“Did you get to work on time?” AIBU to find it annoying when DH says this?

[Daffodilsbythebrook]

I met DH (who obviously wasn’t DH then) in 2017, when I was 37, had been working full time since I was 22.

Had a period where I wasn’t working as lockdown and maternity.

Now every day he asks me if I got to work on time. It’s so patronising, or am I being prickly and it’s a normal question?

YABU. My DHs daily question is how did you sleep
No malice in it at all, and most likely how you're perceiving it.

I’m just wondering if others would find it annoying or if I’m being over prickly

<strong>Threads on here often seem to follow this snippy pattern and tbh I don’t really know why.</strong>


hmm I wonder 🤔

@Daffodilsbythebrook

He wfh so be a bit worrying if he didn’t get to work on time!

I have wfh for years, I only just got to my desk .

Are you having to do nursery drop off every morning on your way to work? Is he thinking that he might do drop offs if it was affecting you getting to work on time?

That would irritate me but could be innocent or passive aggressive.

I would reply every time with a smile "Yes thanks. Did you manage to stay awake all day or did you need a nap?"

I have a relative who for years liked to imply I lay in bed till dinnertime every day even though I had a child to get to school and then went straight to work. She only stopped when I started implying she too lay in bed half the day.

I would just ignore the question. If he asks why you ignored it, tell him. Tbh it would bug me if my husband acted like this.

@Daffodilsbythebrook

I apologise if I misread it. It’s not a big deal, I’m not after relationship advice, I’m just wondering if others would find it annoying or if I’m being over prickly.

You overreacted to and mischaracterised that (fairly obviously polite and friendly) question as being 'snippy' and nasty.

Do you not think that might perhaps have some bearing on your thread, which is about your interpretation of your husband's seemingly quite straightforward question?

do you do child drop offs on the way to work rather than him, and he's concerned it's not derailing you?
Maybe it's just his way of asking "did you have a nice day" - a conversation opener, probably doesn't care too much one way or the other, and isn't aware the phrasing bothers you.
As Marinoroyal said, and I don't think particulalry snippily, let him know that you don't like the tone of the question.

Its not a normal question - certainly not to ask every time you go to work. Not unless there is a specific reason why you wouldn't have gotten to work on time, e.g. road works, late public transport, issues with your car, having to pick someone up/drop someone off, you left late, etc etc.

If nothing like that applies, then its annoying as shit.

A normal question would simply be 'did you get to work ok?' And even that would annoy me every day.

It's a bit odd but sounds like just thoughtless filler/chit chat if he is asking it every day.

Have you asked him why he asks you that?

You do seem particularly prickly though OP, and have jumped to interpreting several posts on this thread in the worst possible light.

I would ask him why does he ask you that?

It's a bit of an odd question after all you'd tell him if you were late.

Is he a bit critical if you over certain things hence you are reading criticism into his comment?

This is not an attack.
It is a conversation starter.
Did you get to work on time.?
Answers.
Nope, traffic was hell, school mums , idiot driving.
Yeah the drive was lovely, Joe bloggs was on the radio , he was talking about x , what do you think?
Drive was so so, work was busy, lucky you, by the way want to go to the cinema tonight.....

@Daffodilsbythebrook YANBU to be irked about it, that's your prerogative. However, I doubt he means anything by it. It's probably just 'making conversation.' My DH is the same, and it doesn't bother me usually, or very often, but it does irritate me sometimes.

Every day around 2-3pm 'what's for tea?' If he's at work, he will RING me and ask, (I work from home.) As soon as he gets in from work 'have you heard from insert family member's name here... today' and other little 'conversation fillers...' It's annoying sometimes, but yeah, he sometimes asks pointless needless questions too...

I don’t think my response was overly rude to the PP and I did apologise immediately if I misunderstood the question.

I don’t get the train or bus, and I do have a nursery drop off but the thing is that in my line of work, being late is something you don’t really do - I teach, so if I was even five mins late it’s a big deal! So obviously occasionally unavoidable stuff happens but daily!?

@stuntbubbles

I’d find it annoying but I am a prickly person

DP asks questions like this and any time I’ve delved deeper, he’ll explain that it’s just social lube – he’s got no malice or ulterior motive or secret desire to undermine me, it’s just surface level chat while the rest of his brain is grinding gears on something else.

Every fucking day I come home from nursery drop-off and he goes “Did she get in OK?” It’s a four-minute walk away and should we have been mauled by tigers on the way, I’d probably phone him.

SO much me! I don't live with my boyfriend and every morning without fail there'll be a text something along the lines of 'just getting son ready for school'. I literally couldn't care less. I don't text him saying 'just cleaning my teeth'. So I asked him about it (rather than being WTAF about it!) and he said he just likes to reach out and let me know he's thinking of me. So although the message is banal, the intent is lovely. Which means I now smile rather than grouse about it!

@Daffodilsbythebrook

I don’t think my response was overly rude to the PP and I did apologise immediately if I misunderstood the question.

I don’t get the train or bus, and I do have a nursery drop off but the thing is that in my line of work, being late is something you don’t really do - I teach, so if I was even five mins late it’s a big deal! So obviously occasionally unavoidable stuff happens but daily!?

You missed my (and others') point.

That poster asked a normal, friendly question. You immediately got your back up and took offence at it.

Can you not see that you are doing exactly the same thing with your husband?

No not really. It honestly isn’t a big deal that requires us to have a sit down and chat about it and I was idly wondering if others would find it a bit annoying.

I fully accept that I misread the posters intention but you probably know some posters get very thread policey and you get barked at to talk to somebody or to do this or do that and actually you don’t want to do any of these things, you just want to know what others would make of it

Surely it's just small talk. And if you're wasting precious time starting and managing a thread on it, it's clearly bugging you more than you say it does. So yes, you do seem quite prickly and a bit defensive. If you spend a majority of your life with someone, everything can seem repetitive and annoying. It's your choice to see it as either harmless small talk and a way to open a conversation, or something that requires internet strangers to offer an opinion on.

I think you are being a bit prickly, it's just a way of checking in - if you find that intrusive then I assume there must be more going on? If DH or I go into the office, we'll always send a message at some point in the day, saying something like 'how was the commute?'.

And if you're wasting precious time starting and managing a thread on it, it's clearly bugging you more than you say it does.

I’m happy to concede I’m being unreasonable and it’s just a normal question, but I don’t think AIBU is a place for big, important issues (or is it?) it’s about wondering whether others think you’re unreasonable or not. I think if I wanted big advice I’d post elsewhere.

I think to me personally there’s a world of difference between how was your commute and did you get in on time, because one seems to suggest that you’re regularly not in on time which isn’t the case, and it’s that which annoys me a bit!

I’ve said I think it’s strange. But no, it’s not a big deal that needs a huge discussion. I would ask him why he asks me though, because unless he has reason to think I might be late (rushing in the morning, got up late, traffic, long term roadworks etc) it is a bit strange.

I see he WFH, so you can't start asking him the same thing... but you could start asking him every day "Did you get all your work done on time today?"

Might make it clearer for him why you find his question patronising.

@Kukdoos

YABU. My DHs daily question is how did you sleep No malice in it at all, and most likely how you're perceiving it.

And the corresponding question from OP's husband would be "how was the commute?"

How would you feel if your husband continually asked you "did you go to bed at a reasonable hour?"?

I think you are taking it far too literally. He is just asking a generic question about your day and you are picking it apart to interpret it in the worst day possible. So many things we say could be interpreted through a negative lens if we pick them apart versus accepting that you know what they mean. It is a basic social convention. People ask questions all the time that don't have deep meaning.