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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Did you get to work on time?” AIBU to find it annoying when DH says this?

106 replies

Daffodilsbythebrook · 10/03/2022 07:37

I met DH (who obviously wasn’t DH then) in 2017, when I was 37, had been working full time since I was 22.

Had a period where I wasn’t working as lockdown and maternity.

Now every day he asks me if I got to work on time. It’s so patronising, or am I being prickly and it’s a normal question?

OP posts:
AlmostMaybe · 10/03/2022 08:28

Are you often on a rush in the morning and end up leaving late for work? If not, it’s a weird question and I’d tell him it’s weird.

Aprilx · 10/03/2022 08:28

@Daffodilsbythebrook

I apologise if I misread it. It’s not a big deal, I’m not after relationship advice, I’m just wondering if others would find it annoying or if I’m being over prickly.
It seems like a variation of “did you get to work ok” and so no I wouldn’t find it especially annoying. If I did though, I would have said something like “why do you ask me that every day?”.
Original poster
Daffodilsbythebrook · 10/03/2022 08:28

@Grasping

Just send a ‘here’ text as you arrive at work each morning - job done
I don’t think that would stop him as he wouldn’t be completely certain what time I need to be at work and probably wouldn’t pay attention to the time of the text anyway!

It’s not so annoying that I need to do elaborate things to stop it, like pretending I’ve been abducted by aliens, he will stop if I ask him but a lot of people here seem to think it’s just a normal question.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodilsbythebrook · 10/03/2022 08:29

@Grasping

Did you get stuck in traffic once or is it a notoriously bad journey in?
I’ve never been stuck in traffic in this particular job, are we posting at cross-purposes?
OP posts:
mizzo · 10/03/2022 08:29

Perhaps if he WFH he is just out of touch with commuting and is imagining it's as being nightmare.

Woollystockings · 10/03/2022 08:29

I would see it as a generic filler question- like how was your day? Just touching base with you. But if you don’t like it, just tell him.

FlickyCrumble · 10/03/2022 08:30

I ask my DH this as he has to get into the city. It’s really a conversation opener for him to vent and rant about how dirty everything is and how no one was wearing masks and how his office was empty and how the old Thai place has closed because of covid and he has to go to work drinks! 🤣

AlmostMaybe · 10/03/2022 08:33

I would see it as a generic filler question- like how was your day?

I think it weird. I’ve only asked anyone this, including my children, if they got up late or were late leaving. Other than that, I would just presume they got to work on time as that’s the normal expected thing. It’s a specific question, not a general ‘hows your day’ at all.

gannett · 10/03/2022 08:34

It's just generic small talk to get the conversation going isn't it? Bit oddly phrased but people do have quirks when it comes to how they do small talk. If the way he phrases it grinds your gears tell him, don't let it fester! It's neither particularly weird of him to say it nor particularly weird of you to dislike it.

I mean, unless he is actually have a deliberate dig at you every day in which case there are probably larger problems.

Liveandkicking · 10/03/2022 08:42

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove

What a weird thing to ask. I ask DP and DS ‘how was traffic?’ or ‘how was your day?’; but ‘did you get to work on time’ is very infantilising, yes, like asking if you got to school before the bell went!

I would ask him to rephrase the question to whatever it is he’s really asking.

Yeah I think you are receiving it as “did you leave the house on time? Are you a grown up?” And he is meaning it like “how was your journey, traffic can be a nightmare?”

I’d try to find a chilled time to tell him how it makes you feel without excusing him if anything and ask him to use a different phrase.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 10/03/2022 08:43

I think it's intersting that the majority of posters are saying 'it's fine, he's just asking perfectly normal alternative queation'

And I agree that how was your journey/how was traffic this morning/did you have a good day etc are all perfectly normal questions. So if that's what he means, surely that's what he would say?!

To me, asking 'did you get to work on time' implies there's a strong chance you didn't. Which, if you weren't rushing about in a flap/aren't habitually late/didn't leave late I would be irritated by too.

How do you answer OP? After a couple of times I'd probably have answered 'why wouldn't I have got there on time?' or 'of course I did, I always do, why do you keep asking?' not in an accusatory way, but in a genuinely confused way as to why he is suddenly apparently convinced I'm going to be late everyday!

LookItsMeAgain · 10/03/2022 08:53

@Grasping

Did you get stuck in traffic once or is it a notoriously bad journey in?
LOL! I read this as "Did you get stuck in a traffic CONE or is it a notoriously bad journey in?"

Sorry to derail your thread but it gave me a bit of a giggle this morning.

I would have to say something and ask him why he needs to be assured that as an adult I can get myself into and out of work and home again. What would he say if you said "No, I didn't manage to get in to work today. I came home and hid behind the sofa until it was time to 'leave work' and then I just popped up from behind the sofa". Give him a completely ridiculous answer to his question.

Georgeskitchen · 10/03/2022 08:54

Do you commute? Are the trains or buses reliable? Roadworks/heavy traffic? Tbh your being massively unreasonable about a simple question

inventinglouise · 10/03/2022 08:54

I would hate it, and would probably reply with something like, "yes, of course, why wouldn't I? Why are you asking?"

Because I hate these sort of questions were people ask you random and irrelevant things instead of just talking to you or asking what they want to know.

pointythings · 10/03/2022 08:54

I'd just ask him why he phrases it like that and ask him not to. Then if he continues to use that phrasing, I'd make up increasingly bizarre replies, along the lines of 'no, I got abducted by aliens and they wouldn't let me go until I'd fixed their photocopier'.

But I'm a cow.

JuteWeaver · 10/03/2022 09:02

You're being overly picky.

Unsureaboutit9 · 10/03/2022 09:07

I think you are being prickly. Some people on here seem to really over analyse how their DHs word normal sentences though, if your marriage is normal and happy then I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything by it. If he has form for being an asshole then that’s different.

Seeingadistance · 10/03/2022 09:14

@Palavah

I agree it's an odd question and it would probably annoy me, so I'd want to know why he was choosing that particular greeting!

Marino's question wasn't snippy. Your response to it was, though.

Yes and yes!
SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 10/03/2022 09:17

I’ve never been stuck in traffic in this particular job, are we posting at cross-purposes?

Why would posters be posting at cross-purposes with you, OP? They are asking some perfectly reasonable questions. It's how threads work.

WhatWhatWhatAgain · 10/03/2022 09:23

I think a lot of people ask exactly the same question every day without any thought.

Palavah · 10/03/2022 09:23

Is English your DH's first language? I know some cultures' standard greetings would sound odd if directly translated eg
'where are you going'
'have you had your lunch?'

Asking you if you've asked him isn't suggesting that you need relationship advice. But asking him would be a pretty obvious step and if it bothers you it's pretty passive-aggressive to seeth silently.

musicviking1 · 10/03/2022 09:26

He is out of order, I'd lab

musicviking1 · 10/03/2022 09:26

Opps wrong thread

WhatWhatWhatAgain · 10/03/2022 09:28

Essentially, ‘I don’t understand what my husband is doing’ does sound like asking for relationship advice.

SheWoreYellow · 10/03/2022 09:31

I’d be annoyed by this, but DH is a very punctual person who will leave a LOT of extra time, where I tend to arrive only just on time. So for us it would be a patronising/infantilising question.

How are you both about timeliness though? Have you any idea why he’s asking? Does he comment in the morning ‘aren’t you cutting it a bit fine?’ or are the trains known to be crap etc?