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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 09/03/2022 18:39

@jannier

What would you do if it were your child? Are you treating them how you would want a step mother to treat yours if the situation was reversed? Presumably the step children were around before your joint children would you have done it then? Ask for a conversation between 3 adults putting children first and see if between you there is a compromise such as you drop and someone else collects
It is absolutely nothing to do with the OP.

If the mother wants the child to do the hobby she needs to sort it out in her own time.

If both the mother and father wants the child to do the hobby then they need to sort it out between them without the OP's help. They are taking the absolute piss expecting another adult who kindly decided to look after their children after school to be a taxi and chaperoning service for their eldest child.

cadburyegg · 09/03/2022 18:40

YANBU

I'm an ex and would never expect my ex's hypothetical new partner to take one of our kids to an activity particularly if they were juggling a 2 year old as well. If they were happy to / offered to do so, great. But it would be a bonus not an expectation

RedWingBoots · 09/03/2022 18:40

@AnnesBrokenSlate

What about the 9-yr-old? Nowhere in your posts does it mention them. Are they excited about this club? Do their friends attend? Do they go to lots of other clubs or is it special for them to even ask to pursue a hobby? If you would befriend the other club parents to help if it was your DC then you should do the same for your step-DC. A 15 min drive is nothing even with 2 other DCs. You're being inflexible and in for a rude awakening when your own DCs start attending clubs. It's always a juggling act.
Not the OP job.

The child has two parents to sort that out for them.

Pumperthepumper · 09/03/2022 18:41

YANBU. If his dad wants him to go, maybe he could arrange for one of his friends to take him?

Halllyup17 · 09/03/2022 18:41

If you'd do it for your child then you should do it for your stepchild. I can't understand why you'd deliberately treat the children differently. Sure, try and find another solution first, but when you chose to have children with this man, you should have accepted his others as your own, and treat them as such.

mangoontoast · 09/03/2022 18:42

I'm not the one gnashing my teeth qnd clutching my pearls because OP referred to them as "her husband's kids". Perfectly normal phrase. Should I be sticking the boot in about your missing apostrophe as I was referring (with the stick comment) to the twatty pedantic reply I got?

Toodleloodle · 09/03/2022 18:42

YANBU - purely on a practical level, this sounds like it would be really hard to manage on your own, with two other children to feed and entertain.

However, what I will say, is that when you marry someone with children, you do have to take on some of that responsibility too, and I say that as someone who was raised by a stepdad - I don't agree with pp who say it's not your problem - you married someone with a family, you take the whole package and you treat those children as if they were your own family (because they now are) or you walk away.

dumdumduuuummmmm · 09/03/2022 18:42

@BrieAndChilli

i actually dont agree with the other posters!!

you had a child with this man so you were fully aware that he had 2 other young children, in my opinion by agreeing to have a family with him you agreed that those 2 children would also be part of your family.

if all 3 kids were yours would you refuse them to do any activities because it would mean taking the other 2 children along? I suspect not (and the rest of us parents with more than 1 child have had to do this all the time - its what you do for your family)

i asume that when your child wants to do an activity you will refuse if it happens to be on a day you have the other 2 kids?

The thing is, the soap has no power to plan or organise anything. The parents decided that this hobby was happening and then the OP is expected to deal with it. If it were the OPs child, she could choose a day that worked or arrange a lift share or some such thing. She gets none of these privileges as she isn't the bio mum but is expected to just suck it up and do what she is told by those who organised it knowing that they weren't the ones who were going to be doing all the work!
mangoontoast · 09/03/2022 18:43

Quoting is not working.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 18:43

@Halllyup17

If you'd do it for your child then you should do it for your stepchild. I can't understand why you'd deliberately treat the children differently. Sure, try and find another solution first, but when you chose to have children with this man, you should have accepted his others as your own, and treat them as such.
It's difficult to do this though, if it were my child (or kid calm down everyone), I'd be able to decide which club they go to and when I'd be able to arrange that around everyone else. In this case I'm just told when it is. It's entirely different.
OP posts:
PhoenixReincarnated · 09/03/2022 18:45

OP YADNBU I wouldn't be dragging a toddler around either.

The person who is DBU is the dsc's mum who is bang out of order arranging an activity on a night that isn't hers and expecting someone else to do the ferrying around. She should have checked with op's dh first before booking anything on his day.

As for those who think the op is BU. If someone turned around to them and said they'd committed them to do x every Friday evening for the foreseeable, without checking with them first. You can bet they would be up in arms about it.

brilliantbrunette · 09/03/2022 18:46

@CartoonFig but maybe it's the only session they can attend? If they really want to go...and you would try to make it work for your child then you should try for a stepchild too...

WonderfulYou · 09/03/2022 18:46

Do they have to be supervised or can they be dropped off and left?

As it’s only 15mins away it’s a shame they’re going to miss out on a hobby that they might really enjoy but it’s not fair that the other 2 sit bored for the hour.

I personally would take them as it’s bit far away and it’s one lesson child to entertain.

If you don’t want to drop off and pick up I’d ask H if there’s another way to get there and you pick them up or drop them off - eg can they walk straight from school, can mum drop them off, could you drop him off but have his dad pick him up, is there a friend who goes which can do one way etc.

HotChoc10 · 09/03/2022 18:46

@bluepeacock

Oh here we go again;stepmum bashing;seems to mumsnetters favourite activity along with slaying SAHM's.

Oh here we go again with all the stepmums with a massive chip on their shoulder shouting "but MN just HATES ALL STEPMUMS!"

I don't dislike anyone as a blanket rule. There are nice step-mums and nasty ones. Nice biological mums and nasty ones.

I just think it comes down to whether you're the kind of person who would go a bit out of your way to make a young kid happy or not.

If you don't want to do it, don't.

Wouldn't it make two other kids unhappy to have to wait around for an hour once a week, instead of being comfortable at home?
Pumperthepumper · 09/03/2022 18:47

I can’t see how you could treat your step children and your biological children exactly the same either. The step kids don’t live with you full time, you’re not in control of what they eat/do/see, and particularly if you have a poor relationship with their other parent, how could you? It’s absolutely fine to have a good relationship with your step kids AND see them as different to your own flesh and blood.

evilharpy · 09/03/2022 18:47

@Spitspatspot

“ She is already cooking their dinner and looking after them so they connect over that”

I really meant it in terms of finding some shared joy instead of seeing them as a chore or inconvenience Confused

There's no joy in sitting in a car for an hour with two children, one of whom is only 2 and will be starving/knackered/hyper as it's witching hour, and will be insufferable and could be awake for hours and hours if they fall asleep in the car. If I had three children that I'd given birth to myself, I still wouldn't want to do this.

OP, sorry I've lost track of the thread a bit amid all the witchunting so apologies if you've already answered this. Would it be possible for your husband and his ex to swap a day so she has them on the hobby day instead?

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 18:47

@mangoontoast

Quoting is not working.
Quoting is working perfectly! You've never been able to quote a post that's already quoted a post HTH?
Twillow · 09/03/2022 18:48

If you would do it for your own child then also do it for your stepchild. They are siblings. You sound resentful of them or the mother,

Bollindger · 09/03/2022 18:50

Nope, you tell them you will look after all the children, but you just can't do the activity and tell DH he needs to sort it,
Repeat each time, , No you sort it, I am already looking after your Children to help you out,

HotChoc10 · 09/03/2022 18:51

@CartoonFig

Just to point out, in my area it is SO common for children to be called kids. It's not some insult like so many here seem to be suggesting. Literally everyone I know calls their kids, kids... My husband and his ex call them "the kids"
It's common everywhere to call children 'kids', people are being insane
diddl · 09/03/2022 18:51

[quote brilliantbrunette]@CartoonFig but maybe it's the only session they can attend? If they really want to go...and you would try to make it work for your child then you should try for a stepchild too...[/quote]
But the child has two parents who can try to make it workable.

WonderfulYou · 09/03/2022 18:52

The person who is DBU is the dsc's mum who is bang out of order arranging an activity on a night that isn't hers and expecting someone else to do the ferrying around.

Why is it the mums fault?
It’s the child that wants to go.
It just happens that it falls on a day the dad has them so it’s up to him to sort out how he’s going to get there and back.

It’s definitely not the DSCs mums fault.

AndAsIfByMagic · 09/03/2022 18:53

@CartoonFig

It comes accords unpleasant, that's what people are saying to you

But why? That's what I'm saying to you. Why does calling my husband's kids, my husband's kids sound unpleasant?! They are his kids..?

It really doesn't to most people but there are some very precious people on MN who enjoy taking exception to step mothers.

Ignore them. They are just being daft.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 18:53

[quote brilliantbrunette]@CartoonFig but maybe it's the only session they can attend? If they really want to go...and you would try to make it work for your child then you should try for a stepchild too...[/quote]
I guess I don't see why the onus is on me to try and make it work like I would for my child. I've said id arrange it differently or do something like speak to club parents or friends parents if they go to the same one etc... Why is the onus on ME to do that? I'd do that for my child because they are my child and there's no one else who's going to. Why can't their Mum or Dad mess around sorting lifts out with other parents and so on? I don't know their friends parents, I don't even know much about the club because I'm not the one who's looked into it!

OP posts:
Soul11Soul · 09/03/2022 18:54

I think the fact that this is your step-child is completely irrelevant. The timing just doesn't work. THAT is the problem - just focus on that.

really don't think anyone could say you were being unreasonable for not wanting to sit in a car for an hour with a two year old over dinner time.

If you focus on that, could other solutions be possible. Could someone look after the 2 year old while you went to the club?

I don't agree that you SHOULD automatically be responsible for your step children's extra-curricular activities. But if my husband regularly refused to support me with my children, simply because they weren't his, I would think less of him. If he helped me to find a way to support the kid's interests (not necessarily him taking them) then I would really appreciate it.

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