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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 18:20

@mangoontoast

Apparently I missed a memo. When did the word "kid" become a pejorative??
Do you mean derogatory term or pejorative?

I'd be more inclined to assume the former.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 18:20

I'm not even saying btw that his ex is expecting me to take them. She may not be, I don't speak to her. It was H that asked me although I know it was her who contacted the coach etc.. and told him when the club was and where.

I'm just saying in response to people saying "how would you feel if your exes wife refused". I wouldn't feel anything, I wouldn't expect her to do it.

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 18:21

@RichardsGear

Or maybe it's the fact that a friend is going on the same day means the DSC wants to attend that particular day? Well, it's tough then really!
Yeah, poor "kid".
TheSunWillComeOut2moro · 09/03/2022 18:22

I wouldn't do it, you are doing a favour watching someone else's children as it is, they aren't your responsibility, get the mother to take them if she wants them to go to a hobby or get your husband to switch his late working day. Mumsnet seems to think you should act like the actual parent when you have step kids, in reality they aren't your children so don't do it.

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 18:22

@CartoonFig

I'm not even saying btw that his ex is expecting me to take them. She may not be, I don't speak to her. It was H that asked me although I know it was her who contacted the coach etc.. and told him when the club was and where.

I'm just saying in response to people saying "how would you feel if your exes wife refused". I wouldn't feel anything, I wouldn't expect her to do it.

So it's most likely a DH issue? Why did the first marriage fail, did he pass all responsibility to her?
diddl · 09/03/2022 18:23

"Or… and i appreciate this is controversial, the children’s father could be responsible for them on his allocated days, instead of outsourcing childcare to a different female."

Oh steady on now!

RichardsGear · 09/03/2022 18:23

He'll survive.

wordler · 09/03/2022 18:26

@CartoonFig

The issue with pp was you used different language with your child

And?! People call children either children or kids interchangeably. It's really not some huge offense.

It's not the word kids - it's that you removed their relationship to you from the sentence which made it sound like you were being remote from them to some people.

If you've said my step-kids - no one would have had an issue with the word kids.

On the actual issue - if it were me I would do everything I could to facilitate the club for your step-child in the same way as I would for my bio kids - I wouldn't differentiate between the way I cared for them on my days.

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 18:26

@RichardsGear

He'll survive.
Of course he will, unhappy but he'll survive!
billy1966 · 09/03/2022 18:28

It sounds like they are already presumptuous with your time OP.

MN is full of step mothers that are supposed to do anything and everything for their husbands children and be delighted to do so.

Invariably they have been sucked into a thankless job of skivvying, aupair, they usually work so they also contribute financially.

IMO they are complete mugs and are being taken advantage of.

Sounds like you might be one of them.

Be very wary of what you have signed up for going forward.

Your husband and his ex presuming on YOUR time, without consultation is the very height of disrespect.

They are both united in thinking you are the help!

jb7445 · 09/03/2022 18:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mangoontoast · 09/03/2022 18:29

@Bournetilly

It was the way you said your husbands kids but then referred to yours as your child. But fair enough if your husband and his ex call them his kids.
But that really doesn't matter as they are synonyms!

I'm starting to think this is a regional difference. I live in the Midlands and part of my family is northern. Kid is another word for child. That's it. Not an insult. In fact, we'd refer to some family members as "our kid", usually a brother and it's a term of real affection.

Iloveacurry · 09/03/2022 18:30

The ex shouldn’t be arranging or suggesting an activity for your SC when neither she or your DH can take the child to the activity.

RichardsGear · 09/03/2022 18:30

Of course he will, unhappy but he'll survive!
If he's that unhappy his parents will have to get their heads together to discuss what they can to sort out the situation.

mangoontoast · 09/03/2022 18:30

Oh i do apologise, I didn't have a stick up my arse when I wrote that.

It is neither. It is NOT derogatory. Or maybe it is in the snobby classes which the OP and I are not from...

jannier · 09/03/2022 18:32

What would you do if it were your child?
Are you treating them how you would want a step mother to treat yours if the situation was reversed?
Presumably the step children were around before your joint children would you have done it then?
Ask for a conversation between 3 adults putting children first and see if between you there is a compromise such as you drop and someone else collects

Uafasach · 09/03/2022 18:33

To be fair to OP, if she came on saying that her DH had signed their shared 9 year old up to an activity on the one night that he's not available, there would be cries of how irresponsible he was and that it is completely unfair to upset the 2 year old's schedule and leave the entire responsibility for tea, activity and bedtime for 3 kids (yes i said kids, everyone does!) to her and she would be told to tell dh that it's not happening but because it's a step child, she is an unfeeling monster.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. If you said you were not willing ever to give dsc a lift somewhere then I would think you were unreasonable but you're not opting out of family life, it's just that the activity on that night doesn't seem to work for your family.

RichardsGear · 09/03/2022 18:33

On a separate note I have just sounded out a few different sentences in my head (yes, I'm bored) and it seems that I would use 'kids' for multiple kids and 'child' for a single child.

Exactly! "The kids/husband's kids" sounds informal and affectionate, "our kid" sounds like I'm channelling Liam Gallagher.

wordler · 09/03/2022 18:35

@mangoontoast

Oh i do apologise, I didn't have a stick up my arse when I wrote that.

It is neither. It is NOT derogatory. Or maybe it is in the snobby classes which the OP and I are not from...

Isn't the issue (some people are having) about the possessive pronoun not the word being used for children?

My husband's kids = his kids (nothing to do with me)

vs

My step-kids = I have a family relationship with them

I think the posters who objected to

'my husband's kids' would have the same issue with 'my husband's children'

NoSquirrels · 09/03/2022 18:35

What time does the club start?

What time does it finish?

What time does your husband finish work? Does he drive?

AnnesBrokenSlate · 09/03/2022 18:36

What about the 9-yr-old? Nowhere in your posts does it mention them. Are they excited about this club? Do their friends attend? Do they go to lots of other clubs or is it special for them to even ask to pursue a hobby?
If you would befriend the other club parents to help if it was your DC then you should do the same for your step-DC. A 15 min drive is nothing even with 2 other DCs. You're being inflexible and in for a rude awakening when your own DCs start attending clubs. It's always a juggling act.

Sally872 · 09/03/2022 18:37

For me if the child wants to do this the options in order if preference:

  1. is the club on at a different day/time?
  2. can dad rearrange work
  3. can mum swap days so you have them a non club day (and not dad's long day at work)
  4. can dad or mum organise another friend or family member to help
  5. I could drop off if dad or mum can collect

Seems a bit silly you have them on dad's long day at work anyway surely that defeats the purpose. I would be wanting that swapped ASAP regardless of club.

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 18:38

@mangoontoast

Oh i do apologise, I didn't have a stick up my arse when I wrote that.

It is neither. It is NOT derogatory. Or maybe it is in the snobby classes which the OP and I are not from...

You did t have a stick up your arse when you asked was kid a pejorative? What was up your arse then, because it was such an anal comment!
Sally872 · 09/03/2022 18:38

But no, I wouldn't be taking 7 and 2 year old to sit and wait for an hour.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/03/2022 18:38

To be honest none of you seem to be communicating well.

“DH- Tuesdays aren’t great for #1 to go to this activity. Is there another day when you aren’t working late or are you able to change your late day. It doesn’t make sense for #2 and #3 to hang around on that day when any other day they would be able to stay at home”

Besides him asking you it doesn’t sound like there has been any other discussions. Talk to him! You don’t have to agree or disagree, yet. But you will get past all this everyone making assumptions stage.