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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 18:54

@Twillow

If you would do it for your own child then also do it for your stepchild. They are siblings. You sound resentful of them or the mother,
In what way do I sound resentful of them and their mother? I've not even mentioned their Mum barely!
OP posts:
TravellingFrom · 09/03/2022 18:55

Fwiw, it’s not 2 children who will have to wait in the car whilst the oldest s do their activity.
It’s 3 children. The other dsc and the younger two siblings.
Three children in a car for one hour, with nothing to do. Including a toddler who will be over tired and a 4yo.

That sounds like a fun hour to spend for the youngest of the dsc! I’m sure they’ll be looking forward to that!

AndAsIfByMagic · 09/03/2022 18:55

If The DM wants the child to attend she can take him/her. Simple.

GlitteryGreen · 09/03/2022 18:55

@Uafasach

To be fair to OP, if she came on saying that her DH had signed their shared 9 year old up to an activity on the one night that he's not available, there would be cries of how irresponsible he was and that it is completely unfair to upset the 2 year old's schedule and leave the entire responsibility for tea, activity and bedtime for 3 kids (yes i said kids, everyone does!) to her and she would be told to tell dh that it's not happening but because it's a step child, she is an unfeeling monster.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. If you said you were not willing ever to give dsc a lift somewhere then I would think you were unreasonable but you're not opting out of family life, it's just that the activity on that night doesn't seem to work for your family.

Completely agree.

The person who would be managing the logistics of the hobby should always get final say over whether it happens or not. That's the same for any kids in the household.

RichardsGear · 09/03/2022 18:56

...and you would try to make it work for your child then you should try for a stepchild too...
How about the child's mother and father trying to make it work for their child instead of making it OP's problem?!

greyinganddecaying · 09/03/2022 18:57

We avoid any activities for our kids (Shock) if we know that one parent will definitely not be around on a specific day to juggle the others. Very occasionally we have to manage the juggle alone and it's no fun. We also try to coordinate kids clubs/sports so they happen at the same time whenever possible.

Most activities run on a choice of days so we can do this.

YADNBU OP. SC mum needs to liaise with your H to arrange a suitable time that doesn't require you to manage this.

Soul11Soul · 09/03/2022 18:57

If The DM wants the child to attend she can take him/her. Simple. Except it's not.

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 18:58

@TravellingFrom

Fwiw, it’s not 2 children who will have to wait in the car whilst the oldest s do their activity. It’s 3 children. The other dsc and the younger two siblings. Three children in a car for one hour, with nothing to do. Including a toddler who will be over tired and a 4yo.

That sounds like a fun hour to spend for the youngest of the dsc! I’m sure they’ll be looking forward to that!

I don't think so!
samsmum2 · 09/03/2022 18:58

The real mother doesn't talk to OP. So why the fuck should OP take her child to a club - as other posters have said, it's up to the actual mother to arrange it on a day when she has her own kids. I had years of this shit with my husband's ex - who refused to talk to me but was happy to use me to look after her kids when it suited her.

TravellingFrom · 09/03/2022 18:58

@Twillow

If you would do it for your own child then also do it for your stepchild. They are siblings. You sound resentful of them or the mother,
But they are not the OP’s children which mean she just CANNOT do things the same way than if it was her own dcs.

The OP has said it herself. If it was her own child, she would be able to contact other parents - she doesn’t know the dsc friends parents.
She wouod look for a suitable place to do the activity at a time that works for the whole family - she can’t do that as she has no control over what and when the dsc do their activities.

As she can’t do it as she would do it for her own dcs, why should she do MORE and put her own dcs in a hard position just because the dsc have two parents that can’t communicate and organise things between each other??

SleepingStandingUp · 09/03/2022 18:58

I have three fruit of my womb children. I wouldn't take one of them to a class if it meant being stuck in a car for an hour with a toddler over tea time.

I'm with you @cartoonfig, it's not practical.

What time does Dad finish? Could you drop your darling step child off and his dad pick him up?

Halllyup17 · 09/03/2022 19:00

@CartoonFig It's not entirely different though, is it? You say you'd get to choose the activities your children do, but in reality there'll be one day and time that the activity is on. Sure, you could prevent your child from doing it, but would you? I'm guessing not.

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 19:00

@AndAsIfByMagic

If The DM wants the child to attend she can take him/her. Simple.
I'm unsure where it says it's the DM? Even if it is, it might be unavoidable?

DS, mum I really want to go to rugby with three others from my class. It's on a Thursday.

DM, that's the day you are a dads, it's nothing I can assist with. You'll have to ask him.

Not DMs fault'

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 09/03/2022 19:01

@CartoonFig I was brought up in the 1960's and part of the 70's, in those medieval days calling children "kids" was a very derogatory way of reffering to them. I'm not sure why it was seen in such a horrible way, as nearly all baby animals are incredibly cute, and baby goats - kids - are just as sweet. But there we are. I think more and more people found their own and other peoples children increasingly annoying, especially as we adults became more and more busy, and maybe that is why they had less patience with their children.

I find it ironic really, that over those same number of years, there has been much improvement in the tools and gadgets we use in everyday life, and the jobs we use them in have therefore become easier and quicker, and yet our lives seem to have become more difficult, not less.

Anyway, I do think that younger adults today get much more stressed than in my day, and I think that even if it is in the subconscious, most people still believe that referring to children as "the kids", or "those kids", or "my husband's kids", or "my wife's kids", is very close to them saying "those bloody/fucking kids are doing my head in!"

Whether you meant it like that OP, or in the way that some people will say "we are taking the kids to the zoo today, and we will have a picnic in the park, by the canal, and have a laugh", I shouldn't surmise; but the second phrase just sounds a much nicer way of referring to all the children (whoever their parents may be), than the way you referred to your husband's kids.

I have never used the term "kids" instead of "children", because for me it still sounds like such an ugly term for children, but I can see and understand the difference in the way different people use the term. The fact that you then went on to refer to your own DLO as a "child" really looked as if you were making that differentiation yourself. I have just been explaining my viewpoint here as you seemed to (maybe consciously) not understand where some of the PP's were coming from, when they complained about the language you were using. However, I can only speak for myself here, if the other PP's were upset for a different reason maybe they would be kind enough to try and explain why to you, OP.

Can I just give you a little snippet of something that I found amusing at an adult party a few years ago. We were in small groups taking turns to try to explain to our partner in the game, the word we had picked out of the hat, without saying the actual word. One person said to their partner "kids", well their partner went through all sorts of words (probably including "baby goats") trying to find the correct word - I am sure if anyone else here is reading this, you will have known straight away what the word was, just as I did - anyway after a while I mouthed to my partner "why are they not saying "children"? The person asking her partner what the answer to "kids" was, saw me, because she said "TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek" has it, sounding quite surprised (probably because of me being so ancient!), and in the end she asked me to tell them... 🤭

Nicewarmsocks · 09/03/2022 19:03

I have to say, I still kind of have my jaw on the floor about all the comments saying "It's not your child. You're not a paid babysitter. Get the parents to do it." Is that really how people in this community feel about stepchildren?

I only joined Mumsnet earlier this week, and have become progressively more horrified each day at the responses I've read on here. I think I picked the wrong parent-advice network.

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 19:03

[quote Halllyup17]@CartoonFig It's not entirely different though, is it? You say you'd get to choose the activities your children do, but in reality there'll be one day and time that the activity is on. Sure, you could prevent your child from doing it, but would you? I'm guessing not.[/quote]
No but I COULD do things like contact my child's friends parents etc... Like others have suggested.

Why is the onus on me to do that for my step kids but not their parents? I don't get that.

I'd do that for my kids because who else would? I'm their Mum. My step kids have a dad and a mum who can contact other parents etc to make it workable for their children if they wish. Why is it up to me to do that?

OP posts:
GlitteryGreen · 09/03/2022 19:04

I just cannot believe people think it's fine for OP's DH to sign her up for this without her permission and she should just go ahead and do it otherwise it's not fair?!!

I would go absolutely mad if my DP did something like this to me. He can sign them up if he is able to facilitate taking them, otherwise it's not his decision.

NativityDreaming · 09/03/2022 19:05

I thin you are being unreasonable but it sounds like that is the type of step mother you are, his children aren’t your family

Sceptre86 · 09/03/2022 19:05

It's up to the actual child's parents to facilitate not the stepparent. I would not agree to this at all. If they can't make it work then the child doesn't get to do the activity, there will be others that he or she can do, it's not the end of the world.

BigPurpleEgg · 09/03/2022 19:06

Some crazy answers on here! Of course you shouldn't have to do this @CartoonFig, I wouldn't. And I've never heard of kids being insulting in my life, there really is nothing that people won't criticise stepmothers for

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/03/2022 19:06

Yanbu

Surely the parents can swap days so that their Mum has them on hobby day, and your DH has them on days when he finishes work earlier - why are they even with you on a day when he finishes late?

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 19:07

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Yanbu

Surely the parents can swap days so that their Mum has them on hobby day, and your DH has them on days when he finishes work earlier - why are they even with you on a day when he finishes late?

OP thinks DM works that day.
Georgyporky · 09/03/2022 19:07

A 9 year old could walk or get a bus to wherever?

Soul11Soul · 09/03/2022 19:07

@GlitteryGreen

I just cannot believe people think it's fine for OP's DH to sign her up for this without her permission and she should just go ahead and do it otherwise it's not fair?!!

I would go absolutely mad if my DP did something like this to me. He can sign them up if he is able to facilitate taking them, otherwise it's not his decision.

She hasn't been signed up. She's been asked. Her partner and the father of her child has asked her for a favour. It's hardly a travesty. She is at liberty to say no.
Thewindwhispers · 09/03/2022 19:08

I think people are reacting to the language you used because you seem to be implying that they aren’t your kids. They ARE your stepchildren. You are their stepmum. You are one of their parents and became one when you married your DH. On the days when they’re with you, it’s up to you and DH to sort out with the school what activities they do etc. You can’t just shrug and say ‘not my kid’or that you just ‘watch’ him. You’re supposd to be parenting them.

Poor kids 😢