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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
Soul11Soul · 09/03/2022 19:21

So from what you've just said Cartoon, it sounds like maybe it's a wider issue than just this one incident. How is your partner likely to react if you say "Sorry, the timing just doesn't work."

Nocutenamesleft · 09/03/2022 19:21

I feel a bit sorry for them

Whilst it’s not your problem. It’s the children that suffer.

I’d do it. But maybe I’m a push over.

FayCarew · 09/03/2022 19:21

@Comefromaway, easy to say when you don't.

The OP has said My own husband has told me before it's none of my business how he parents his children when I've made comments about things.

She is being treated as a childminder

Thirkettle · 09/03/2022 19:22

It's always sad when parents treat their kids as something to be fobbed off on others. 'Not her days'? That's heartbreaking.

The kids' parents should be the ones making an effort, not clocking off and treating you like the free babysitter.

Marmelace · 09/03/2022 19:24

Why can't your dh get childcare for his kids, it sounds like he us using you to look after them. How would he cope if he was single?

NoSquirrels · 09/03/2022 19:24

YANBU to call any children you know, related or unrelated, ‘kids’. Grin

I'm not even saying btw that his ex is expecting me to take them. She may not be, I don't speak to her. It was H that asked me although I know it was her who contacted the coach etc.. and told him when the club was and where.

YANBU to say that it isn’t convenient to do the activity on that day.

Y might be a tiny bit U not to try to offer alternative suggestions: can you drop and your DH pick up? Can another club parent drop off and your DH collect everyone? etc.

Just saying a flat out no sounds unreasonable even if it isn’t. Trying to offer alternatives - even if none of them involve you! - at least sounds like you’re invested in trying to see how the kid could attend…

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 19:25

I didn't want that to seem like a drip feed about the comments from my husband and his ex because on the whole they don't usually expect much parenting from me. I pick them up this day my husband works late but that's all I really do in terms of things like that.

It's just in the past when I've said things like "don't you think you should be doing X or Y ot whatever" I've been told they are his kids and it's not my business so 🤷‍♀️ I take that as meaning he doesn't want me to be a third parent so I'm not. Fine by me.

For those asking, the club is 5:30 to 6:30. My husband usually gets home about 6:30 but is coming in the opposite direction so him picking up would mean he'd be late to collect them. Their mum is working I presume as it's not her day (she works late shifts).

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 09/03/2022 19:26

@Nicewarmsocks Yes when parents automatically expect a step-parent/grandparent/other relation/kind friend to do particular things for one child even if they are already looking after them and their other children, especially if there are younger children involved.

Adults will often step up to help people with their child as long as the parents don't act entitled.

In this case both the child's parents are acting entitled. They are fully aware, due to having two children themselves, that younger children require more sleep than older children and the OP has a 2 year old.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 19:26

Y might be a tiny bit U not to try to offer alternative suggestions: can you drop and your DH pick up? Can another club parent drop off and your DH collect everyone? etc.

I just think it would surely be easier for their parents, the ones who know the club, know their friends parents etc.. to offer these alternative suggestions?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 09/03/2022 19:27

[quote FayCarew]@Comefromaway, easy to say when you don't.

The OP has said My own husband has told me before it's none of my business how he parents his children when I've made comments about things.

She is being treated as a childminder[/quote]
Indeed. So the OP is totally OK to say - as a childminder would - “Sorry, that’s unworkable.” And then they can sort something else out.

Sounds like this is (as usual, TBH) a ‘D’H problem at its root.

Marmelace · 09/03/2022 19:27

He must have agreed to the hobby presuming you'd have to take them.

RedWingBoots · 09/03/2022 19:27

It's just in the past when I've said things like "don't you think you should be doing X or Y ot whatever" I've been told they are his kids and it's not my business so 🤷‍♀️ I take that as meaning he doesn't want me to be a third parent so I'm not. Fine by me.

He's made his bed so he can lie on it.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 19:28

And with PPs suggesting step parents are third parents, just showing that it's not always the case because some parents don't want you to be!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 09/03/2022 19:29

@CartoonFig

Y might be a tiny bit U not to try to offer alternative suggestions: can you drop and your DH pick up? Can another club parent drop off and your DH collect everyone? etc.

I just think it would surely be easier for their parents, the ones who know the club, know their friends parents etc.. to offer these alternative suggestions?

Yes - they need to sort out the alternatives. But getting involved in a brainstorm conversation isn’t the same as having to do the legwork.

If you just say “No” you sound unreasonable even if you aren’t. You don’t need to solve the problem, you just need to sound actively engaged.

lemongreentea · 09/03/2022 19:30

yanbu - it would be nice if you did but the he logisitics dont work for your other kid.

Schoolchoicesucks · 09/03/2022 19:30

No, I don't think you should be expected to take a 7 and 2 year along to sit in the car while 9 year old does their activity. That's miserable for 3/4 of you!

In your position, if I wanted to be helpful, I'd probably be saying to dh things like

  • I can take dc9 there, but he would have to pick them up an hour later after work
  • I can stay home with dc7 while the mum takes the older child to the activity
  • I can take or pick up dc9 if he can find someone else to do the other journey (the mum or someone else from the hobby group)
  • He should find someone else to take dc9 to the hobby and he can pick up from the hobby after work
  • He needs to find an equivalent class for dc9 that runs on a day he can do the ferrying
  • Or he needs to ask the mum to find one that runs on the time she can do the ferrying

Final thought - if there is somewhere "nice" nearby that you, dc2 and dc7 can hang out while dc9 does the activity. A cafe, even supermarket cafe where they can both eat (and you and buy dc9 a sandwich to eat after the hobby). It's a slog doing this, but is what many parents with multiples and age gaps do. It shouldn't be expected that you'd do that. But you could consider it.

Marmelace · 09/03/2022 19:31

It sounds like the ops dh has alienated her from having any say in his children's lives, unless of course he needs someone to look after any ferry them around. He is not treating you very well OP

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 09/03/2022 19:32

Yanbu but as step parent you're damned either way!!

NoSquirrels · 09/03/2022 19:33

The reason you need to sound actively engaged in problem-solving is the difference between you and a childminder - you’re their stepmom/he’s your husband.

But if you want to push the ‘they’re my kids don’t get involved’ point he’s made in the past then a flat no will do that. But you’re setting up for confrontation.

Maybe that’s a good thing?

Depends on what outcome you want, really.

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 19:35

@Twillow

If you would do it for your own child then also do it for your stepchild. They are siblings. You sound resentful of them or the mother,
No she doesn't. And they are siblings but OP isn't a parent.
StrawberryLollipops · 09/03/2022 19:35

Did you tell your dh that you can't? What did he say?

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 19:38

@StrawberryLollipops

Did you tell your dh that you can't? What did he say?
Yes, he's still out at the moment but is due back any minute. We only spoke over text but got the sense he wasn't happy from his replies.
OP posts:
CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 19:40

It feels like IWD passed some people by, or maybe SM's don't count. Why on earth is it OP's responsibility to take this child to their hobby? Dad is the parent here. OP could walk out their life tomorrow if she wanted. She is being nice and looking after them that is HER choice why is Dad now suddenly taking this for granted and expecting more of her than of the child's own other parent. Why are posters here suggesting she thinks of solutions, finds a friend to take them etc. This is asking her to do "the wife work" but for someone else's children, while the actual parents do nothing.

Gagagardener · 09/03/2022 19:41

I've read all of your posts, @CartoonFig, and I'm on your side. Tell your DH that you are happy for his eldest kid/child/offspring to do the activity, but at that time in the day of that day in the week, your place is at home with the younger ones. And, for all the reasons you have given, he and his ex must work out the practicalities of it. Good luck!

Gnomechomsky · 09/03/2022 19:44

I'm a step parent but have custody of DSS ( have for many, many years).
I don't think it's possible OP not with those timings and 2 other kids/children.
TBH the parents should have spoken to each other and then you as it would fall on you and see if this was workable before even telling the kid/child.
I have always tried to be fair but working, running a home, school nights and trying to accommodate 2 kids/children of differing ages was a bloody nightmare, there were things mine couldn't do no matter how much I wanted them to it just wasn't possible.
TBF we call DS and DSS 'the kids' I didn't realise it was such a vile and awful thing to call them 😂