To refuse to do this?

[CartoonFig]

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

@Georgyporky

A 9 year old could walk or get a bus to wherever?

Yeah oh course!!

15 min drive, 45 min walk..... what could possibly go wrong?

@Soul11Soul She should have but people here are literally calling her an awful person for daring to say no! So as far as many people here are concerned, no she doesn't have the liberty to say no.

@Georgyporky

A 9 year old could walk or get a bus to wherever?

Errrrr no!

I find the constant refrain on MN of what would you do if it was your child, truly moronic.🙄

They are NOT her children.

Her husbands children will NEVER be her children while they have two parents.

They have two parents.

I think taking a two year old on a 15 minute journey at 6pm to sit in a car waiting for a sibling is NOT something I would EVER have done to my children.

Awful.
Not fair.
An awful time of the day to be doing that.

OP, you are perfectly reasonable to not entertain this nearly 90+ min activity, including travelling.

I would be annoyed that my "D"H has shown such little respect for me, to sign me up for something without even checking i am happy to do it, its just a complete lack of respect.

Would i try and facilitate a 9 year old child in my family to get to an activity they love, yes i would.

In all of this, it is your husband who is at fault.

Perhaps it is a geographical thing because literally no one around my end thinks of "kids" as derogatory, at all. People use it daily. My friends call their own kids, kids. If anything it's just a causal way of saying children.

I think as PP said, when I say it in my head it's an automatic way I refer to multiple children as opposed to one child 🤷‍♀️

@AnnesBrokenSlate

What about the 9-yr-old? Nowhere in your posts does it mention them. Are they excited about this club? Do their friends attend? Do they go to lots of other clubs or is it special for them to even ask to pursue a hobby? If you would befriend the other club parents to help if it was your DC then you should do the same for your step-DC. A 15 min drive is nothing even with 2 other DCs. You're being inflexible and in for a rude awakening when your own DCs start attending clubs. It's always a juggling act.

A 15 minute drive is loading a kid and a toddler into a car and driving 15 minutes then 15 minutes back, and unloading then doing the same again and hour and a half later.

@Thewindwhispers

I think people are reacting to the language you used because you seem to be implying that they aren’t your kids. They ARE your stepchildren. You are their stepmum. You are one of their parents and became one when you married your DH. On the days when they’re with you, it’s up to you and DH to sort out with the school what activities they do etc. You can’t just shrug and say ‘not my kid’or that you just ‘watch’ him. You’re supposd to be parenting them.

Poor kids 😢

I really think this depends how you view things. My step kids mum has never wanted me to parent them. There's been comments in the past about them not being my kids. My own husband has told me before it's none of my business how he parents his children when I've made comments about things.

I don't see myself as a third parent. I don't think that is necessary ALWAYS how "step parenting" is. Depends very much on the family.

[quote GlitteryGreen]@Soul11Soul She should have but people here are literally calling her an awful person for daring to say no! So as far as many people here are concerned, no she doesn't have the liberty to say no.[/quote]
I think people are attributing negative motivations to her saying no! Most people want her to be saying no because she hates the "kids" , the reality is more likely that the timing doesnt work. If her partner is a good guy he'll get that. And of course she has the liberty to say no....people on MN dont have that much power. They aren't going to turn up at her door with pitch forks.

I wouldn’t hesitate to facilitate it. If I were to marry a man and have children and he already had kids I’d treat them the same as my own.

I think people are attributing negative motivations to her saying no! Most people want her to be saying no because she hates the "kids" , the reality is more likely that the timing doesnt work

Yes it's exactly this. Nothing to do with resenting anyone.

Havent read the full thread, and it has probably been covered, but I will say it again: you cannot always treat stepchildren «as your own»! Because they already (mostly) have 2 parents.
My husband’s kids’ Mum would be furious if I did.

So on that basis YANBU.

I think you are getting a really hard time here for no reason.

This doesn’t sound like it’s anything to do with the fact that they are your step kids and more to do with the fact the timing doesn’t rework regardless of what or whose child it is. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.

I also when talking about both my children refer to them as the kids and when only talking about one of them refer to them as my child.

@turbonerd

Havent read the full thread, and it has probably been covered, but I will say it again: you cannot always treat stepchildren «as your own»! Because they already (mostly) have 2 parents. My husband’s kids’ Mum would be furious if I did.

So on that basis YANBU.

I agree. It would be impossible for me to literally treat my step kids as my own. Because they aren't and that matters in some things.

@AndAsIfByMagic

If The DM wants the child to attend she can take him/her. Simple.

Or maybe the child's other parent the father shouldn't pass the book to his wife! You are presuming the ex wife knew that it would fall to the op to sort it all out. After all op has said her and ex wife do not converse.

The kid/child/husband's child/step-child has 2 parents to arrange clubs and activities. OP is not one of them. It's not her responsibility to do that. If she had suggested phoning round other parents everyone would be jumping on her for overstepping boundaries.

YANBU OP.

I wouldn't be trailing a 2 yr old and another kid out for an hour or so over dinnertime, whether that was to take my kid or my husband's kid or the next door neighbour's kid to an activity. I just wouldn't do it, it sounds awful for everyone. There are other clubs at other times.

And ditto your last post CartoonFig.
And seeing as that is his position He cannot have it both ways.

I can totally see that taking and then waiting and bringing home is a big ask for DC and younger SDC.
But I don't think you've answered if it would be possible for you to do drop off and either DM or DF pick then up ?

Ok OP - treat them the same as your own. They'll be fed, bathed and tucked up in bed for 7pm. Bliss!

@CartoonFig

Sounds like they want you to be the "parent" when it suits the biological parents, but then when you offer x perspectives, your basically told your not their parent etc, tis a pickle of a situation.

@Soul11Soul I do agree with you and I'm sure OP's DH won't react like people here, he's likely just asking on the off-chance she won't mind, as anyone would.

But it's just really frustrating to read so many people tearing someone to shreds and saying she's unreasonable for not inconveniencing the whole rest of the family just so one child can attend this specific club on this specific day.

There is no way I'd be taking a 2yo out to do this, and I'd explain that to the 9yo. When they're a bit older it wouldn't be a problem but 2 is too young to manage this.

[quote Hawkins001]@CartoonFig

Sounds like they want you to be the "parent" when it suits the biological parents, but then when you offer x perspectives, your basically told your not their parent etc, tis a pickle of a situation.[/quote]
Yep.. the truth about being a step parent! One of my friends is a step parent and it's the same for her. Not allowed and opinion but has to help whenever summoned otherwise you're a monster.

An opinion*

[quote GlitteryGreen]@Soul11Soul I do agree with you and I'm sure OP's DH won't react like people here, he's likely just asking on the off-chance she won't mind, as anyone would.

But it's just really frustrating to read so many people tearing someone to shreds and saying she's unreasonable for not inconveniencing the whole rest of the family just so one child can attend this specific club on this specific day.

There is no way I'd be taking a 2yo out to do this, and I'd explain that to the 9yo. When they're a bit older it wouldn't be a problem but 2 is too young to manage this.[/quote]
Uch I know Glittery, it's been a bit hairy! But you know AIBU and @CartoonFig sounds like she can handle it.

Why is the onus on me to do that for my step kids but not their parents? I don't get that.

Then you need to tell your DH that you’re not going to wait in the car so he’s going to have to sort something out with their mum.

You shouldn’t even need to ask on here.

The child should have said to his dad I want to do X hobby and he then ask you and you tell him why you can’t do it - it’s then up to him to see if he can figure out a way his son can still do the activity without inconveniencing you.

Can his dad not pick him up after work so you can just drop him off?