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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is reasonable and fair?

142 replies

Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 09:37

I had an affair - yes I know. I am a terrible awful person who deserves to be miserable forever.
I told DH about it because we went to marriage counselling as things had not been great for about a decade.
He took it better than I expected initially - he wasn’t over the top angry and he didn’t throw me out or threaten me or anything. He said that he could see why it had happened.
This was about six months ago.
However he’s now saying he wants to be able to track my phone / car at all times, have all my passwords and be able to read all messages I send / receive.
My affair is over so there’s no ‘issue’ exactly, although I don’t love him reading messages I send to my friends for no particular reason really.
I told a couple of my friends about what DH had said and they were pretty horrified but I think I’m lucky that I’m still allowed to be in the house and to see my children.
Aibu for accommodating this and just accepting it’s the outcome of my actions?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 09/03/2022 09:39

I think it's amazing you still have a marriage.

Original poster
Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 09:40

Yes. I’m lucky, I know.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 09/03/2022 09:40

It depends on if you want zero privacy for the rest of your life.
I can understand him not trusting you, however this is doing neither him or you any good.
Does he say if there is a timeframe on this?

Original poster
Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 09:41

No.
I agreed after the affair to stop going out apart from to work. However he doesn’t know if I’m really at work (I am).

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 09/03/2022 09:42

He needs to rebuild his trust in you.

Of course there’s still an “issue”. You pissed all over his trust in you by shagging someone else.

Hopefully he’ll get there and trust you more in time.

BobbinHood · 09/03/2022 09:43

I think I’m lucky that I’m still allowed to be in the house and to see my children

This is the bit that leaps out at me - if you had split up, why on earth wouldn’t you be able to see your children? And it’s really worrying that you were relieved he didn’t threaten you when he found out. He should never be threatening you, no matter what you have done. Was he very controlling before the affair?

I couldn’t accept these conditions. Yes you did something really wrong. But his options are to genuinely try move past it - which doesn’t involve being so controlling - or to split up. It’s unfair on his part to say you’ll stay together but put such demands on you.

Arabellla · 09/03/2022 09:44

Sounds like he has the perfect excuse to control you for life now.

Why do you think he has the right to stop you seeing his kids? He has no right to stop you seeing them or to throw you out of the house.

Sirzy · 09/03/2022 09:44

He doesn’t trust you, and understandably so, is living like that really going to do either of you any good in the long run?

Original poster
Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 09:44

I did think he might kill me if he ever found out.
However he was super reasonable.

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 09/03/2022 09:45

He doesn't trust you and rightly so but even tracking your phone wont help. Likely he will end the marriage in the next 6-12months

IGetBackUp · 09/03/2022 09:45

This is too much imo. Yes you were unfaithful but he has made the choice to continue the relationship despite that, that doesn’t mean he can control your every move and thought. Either you can both move forward or you cant, this isn’t sustainable or healthy.

lemongreentea · 09/03/2022 09:46

@Woollensheep

I did think he might kill me if he ever found out. However he was super reasonable.
why did you think that? is he a violent angry and agressive person generally? that sounds worrying tbh
canigooutyet · 09/03/2022 09:47

I would not agree to this at all.
Regardless of the reasons, it is controlling behaviour.

BobbinHood · 09/03/2022 09:47

@Woollensheep

I did think he might kill me if he ever found out. However he was super reasonable.
Honestly I think the affair is a red herring here. The previous responses you’ve had are coloured by it but to me he sounds very controlling and tbh dangerous. No one deserves to fear for their life whether they’ve had an affair or not.
Sirzy · 09/03/2022 09:47

So one part worries the partner may kill them.
The other party doesn’t trust the other and wants freedom to watch their every move.
There are children living in a house with no trust and fear.

Does anyone benefit?

BurntO · 09/03/2022 09:49

Do not agree to this OP. It won’t lead anywhere good. I can 100% understand his insecurity but this isn’t the answer

takealettermsjones · 09/03/2022 09:51

No, I wouldn't accept this.

On the one hand, his reaction is understandable because he doesn't trust you, and with good reason. I think he's reasonable to ask for some things - say for instance, that you stop going to places where you would meet the affair partner, or that you delete the affair partner's number in front of your husband, etc. I also think you'd both be insane not to continue marriage counselling.

On the other hand, tracking you and checking up on you indefinitely is not healthy, for either of you. Either he's controlling and he's now using this as an excuse, or he's hugely insecure and he sees this as the only way to be with you that won't eat him up inside (plot twist: it will anyway).

It's a slippery slope. If you can't go out, how do you do errands, shopping, take the kids out? If you have to sit at home while he goes out, is he going to start suspecting you of having people over while he's out?

It's obviously a hard thing to do, but imo he needs to decide whether he can work on building the relationship back up without this tracking/monitoring, or he can't, and your marriage is over.

dfendyr · 09/03/2022 09:51

@Woollensheep

I did think he might kill me if he ever found out. However he was super reasonable.
Do you actually think he would murder you? If so, youre not safe.

However he’s now saying he wants to be able to track my phone / car at all times, have all my passwords and be able to read all messages I send / receive

No. If this is what he needs for the relationship to continue it's not acceptable. You made a mistake (yes a really shitty one) but you are still entitled to privacy. He is your husband not your jailor.

If he insists, then let the relationship go. You will still be able to see/live with your dc

Original poster
Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 09:52

I can go out with the kids. I can’t go out on my own.
I’m unlikely to be meeting anyone I shouldn’t with my kids in tow.

OP posts:
CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 09:53

It's one think feeling insecure but what he is asking is a whole other level. I don't think it sustainable in desirable.

ChairCareOh · 09/03/2022 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2022 09:54

I think I’m lucky that I’m still allowed to be in the house and to see my children.

Of course you aren't 'lucky' to be 'allowed' to do this.

You would have a right to see your DC & access your home.

You had an affair. Your H can decide to end your marriage. If he wants to stay with you, he and you need to work out how he can trust you again.

You don't do this by tracking someone.

Your marriage is over. You need to separate & move on, with appropriate legal advice.

SpanishPapers · 09/03/2022 09:54

No, it's not fair or reasonable and in your shoes, I would not stay if he tried to insist on it.

All the counselling in the world is pointless if he is not aiming to rebuild a relationship of mutual trust with you. You did something wrong but he is not your jailor not does he have the right to continually punish you.

ChairCareOh · 09/03/2022 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

SpanishPapers · 09/03/2022 09:57

I can’t go out on my own.

This is abuse, OP, and not in any way justified by your affair. Sounds like he is using your affair and guilt about it to manipulate you into accepting an abusive relationship. I would suggest you get in touch with Women's Aid for advice.