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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is reasonable and fair?

142 replies

Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 09:37

I had an affair - yes I know. I am a terrible awful person who deserves to be miserable forever.
I told DH about it because we went to marriage counselling as things had not been great for about a decade.
He took it better than I expected initially - he wasn’t over the top angry and he didn’t throw me out or threaten me or anything. He said that he could see why it had happened.
This was about six months ago.
However he’s now saying he wants to be able to track my phone / car at all times, have all my passwords and be able to read all messages I send / receive.
My affair is over so there’s no ‘issue’ exactly, although I don’t love him reading messages I send to my friends for no particular reason really.
I told a couple of my friends about what DH had said and they were pretty horrified but I think I’m lucky that I’m still allowed to be in the house and to see my children.
Aibu for accommodating this and just accepting it’s the outcome of my actions?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/03/2022 09:57

Your marriage is over, so stop delaying the inevitable. Leave him and move on.

PurpleDaisies · 09/03/2022 09:57

I would spilt up. You did the wrong thing but agreeing to be tracked at all times is bonkers.

MischievousBiscuits · 09/03/2022 09:58

Sounds to me like you have taken responsibility for a really shitty mistake. You cannot live your live being tracked and controlled. Yes, he needs to build up trust again but this is not the way to do it. You will live in misery and you don't deserve that.

canigooutyet · 09/03/2022 09:59

As your friend I also wouldn't be happy that our chats were no longer private.

I would leave and take him to court if he refused access. Although if he is a nasty cunt to the children as well, they would be going with me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left them in a toxic environment,

Shesmyperson · 09/03/2022 09:59

I think post affair yiu do need to be open and honest and as transparent as possible. But not forever.

However, the whole you now can't go anywhere, do anything, can't see your kids if you leave etc sounds concerning.

Either he is an abusive bastard. Or you are rewriting what's going on in the hops of getting sympathy off people.

Either way, all the counselling in the world isn't going to help. I don't know what to suggest because it sounds like you wouldn't leave even if you can and this sounds like it's heading to a complete disaster.

My actual advice would be that you need to leave, that this doesn't mean you can't see your kids, but the marriage needs to end.

tanstaafl · 09/03/2022 10:00

The tracking stuff is about punishment isn’t it?

canigooutyet · 09/03/2022 10:01

Bizarre though, if you wanted to do this to your husband you would be handed your arse on a plate and told you are being very unreasonable. You have no right to track someone, read their messages etc.

TeaForTiger · 09/03/2022 10:02

I think that your affair has had a detrimental affect on your DH's mental health and he probably needs therapy without you to deal with it.

Original poster
Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 10:02

I couldn’t leave my kids behind.
Maybe I do deserve to lose them, but I am a good mum - or at least not a terrible one. They are much closer to me than DH.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I just wasn’t here at all.
Also DH holds all the cards - I’ve nowhere else to go so cannot leave really and he could also choose to tell the dc what I did which would probably mean they’d disown me.

OP posts:
Shesmyperson · 09/03/2022 10:02

I think post affair yiu do need to be open and honest and as transparent as possible. But not forever.

Sorry, this isn't worked right at all. Obviously you should be honest and transparent in a relationship. I would get him wanted to be able to check you phone. Women are told to do it post affair all the time. But that level of mistrust can't go on forever. And it's sounds like he expectsbit to.

DarkCorner · 09/03/2022 10:03

Was he abusive pre-affair (what you say about expecting he might kill you and you're lucky to still be able to see your kids sounds like it).

It doesn't sound like any life for you if you submit to his wishes. Do you love him?

I think a reasonable level of disclosure is to be expected to rebuild trust but this does sound over the top. When my ex had an affair, I wanted him to not go out drinking (multiple times per week) where OW would be. He refused saying I should trust him.

ComeOnSpringtime · 09/03/2022 10:03

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SpanishPapers · 09/03/2022 10:04

OP, an affair is completely irrelevant when it comes to child custody- you won't lose your kids. The more you say, the more it sounds like you need to get out asap and take the kids with you. www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CjwKCAiAvaGRBhBlEiwAiY-yMF8t9bJ1ZkjVuxiSoEOK9R19H_mRxhilrUpc2fQg4QCwkKxmk0y6LhoCq8sQAvD_BwE

Arabellla · 09/03/2022 10:05

@Woollensheep

I couldn’t leave my kids behind. Maybe I do deserve to lose them, but I am a good mum - or at least not a terrible one. They are much closer to me than DH. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just wasn’t here at all. Also DH holds all the cards - I’ve nowhere else to go so cannot leave really and he could also choose to tell the dc what I did which would probably mean they’d disown me.
Divorce him and take half the house.

I don't condone your affair but he sounds horrible.

BobbinHood · 09/03/2022 10:06

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BrightYellowDaffodil · 09/03/2022 10:06

I would not accept that at all. Yes, you did something wrong (although affairs sometimes happen for a reason - were you already unhappy in your marriage and found someone else?) but you should not accept near house arrest and being monitored for the rest of your life. Guilt is not a reason to accept this as your “just desserts”.

As a PP said, either he’s using this as an excuse to control you or he doesn’t trust you. Neither make for a good future.

takealettermsjones · 09/03/2022 10:12

Sometimes I think it would be better if I just wasn’t here at all.

You can contact Samaritans on 116 123 or at www.samaritans.org/. Flowers

ComeOnSpringtime · 09/03/2022 10:12

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Pluvia · 09/03/2022 10:13

OP, when you say you can't leave the house on your own, what do you mean? Can you leave the house to go to work? Can you leave the house to go shopping or to visit a friend? Can you go for a walk in the park or wherever?

ComeOnSpringtime · 09/03/2022 10:15

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Aquamarine1029 · 09/03/2022 10:15

Your husband can not take your children away from you because you had an affair. It simply won't happen.

BobbinHood · 09/03/2022 10:15

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PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 10:16

OP this is NOT reasonable and fair. This man sounds dangerous, very very dangerous if he wants to track your car. Do you still go to counselling with him? If so I would bring that up at the next session, guaranteed the counsellor will shut down that level of control from him quick smart. You need to get away from him. Having your EVERY MOVE TRACKED for the rest of your marriage is no way to live, and way out of proportion to the crime you committed. Make plans to leave. And you'd naturally be taking the children with you, right? So why would he stop you from seeing them when you're the primary carer and they would live with you? He'd get visitation. That's all he'd get. Please get away from him now, he is making you suffer and pay for the rest of your life. Controlling your every move and where you can go and when is NOT NORMAL or HEALTHY.

BobbinHood · 09/03/2022 10:17

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BertieQueen · 09/03/2022 10:19

You was wrong for having the affair and you know it but what’s done is done it’s time to move on.

Obviously trust is shattered when you cheat on a partner and it does take time to rebuild, but no one should be a prisoner where they can be tracked 24/7 and unable to leave the house alone. That is no life and is in fact abuse.

The marriage is over you need to both move on. As for being lucky to see your children that was a stupid comment, you are their mum and just because you were foolish to have an affair doesn’t mean you suddenly stop being that.