To think this is reasonable and fair?

[Woollensheep]

I had an affair - yes I know. I am a terrible awful person who deserves to be miserable forever.
I told DH about it because we went to marriage counselling as things had not been great for about a decade.
He took it better than I expected initially - he wasn’t over the top angry and he didn’t throw me out or threaten me or anything. He said that he could see why it had happened.
This was about six months ago.
However he’s now saying he wants to be able to track my phone / car at all times, have all my passwords and be able to read all messages I send / receive.
My affair is over so there’s no ‘issue’ exactly, although I don’t love him reading messages I send to my friends for no particular reason really.
I told a couple of my friends about what DH had said and they were pretty horrified but I think I’m lucky that I’m still allowed to be in the house and to see my children.
Aibu for accommodating this and just accepting it’s the outcome of my actions?

I had an affair when I was with my previous partner and he made similar requests to have me on Find Friends and know my passwords etc and it just felt too restrictive and to be honest it had the opposite to intended affect and I just realised I was so miserable and didn't want to live my life without a shred of privacy. Op you sound really unhappy and things do happen for a reason. Sending lots of positivity your way.

@Woollensheep

I am sad - but I deserve to be sad I guess.

No one deserves to be sad. It's rubbish what has happened but you still deserve a full and happy life.

You had an affair, what done is done. However you cannot punish yourself forever nor can you expect to be punished forever. Tracking your every move, restricting your friendships is not a positive way to rebuild a marriage and ultimately will be the end of it. You have been unhappy for some time so perhaps now is the time to own what you did and why you did it and make peace with it. Then you can decide honestly how you want to live. You need to take some control back. He will be punishing you forever unless you do.

@Woollensheep

I am sad - but I deserve to be sad I guess.

You haven't murdered anyone, OP.

Time to forgive yourself and get yourself and your kids out of there.

@Woollensheep

I am sad - but I deserve to be sad I guess.

You're sad because your marriage is in pieces and the only way to 'save' it is to allow him to use it to abuse you.

Regardless of the why his behaviour is very controlling. I think you need to contact woman's aid and get some help. Being with an abuser warps your thinking and you can't see your own situation clearly. You are not the bad person here lovely.

He hasn’t been ok about it though has he? But rather than him shouting and raving, he is using it as an excuse for extremely controlling and unacceptable behaviour.
Whether you are happy for him to see your messages is another issue- he is not fine about the affair or over it.

Women get lambasted if they cheat, they also get blamed if their husband cheats. Most men, when caught out having an affair, turn it around and blame their wife/partner, claiming that their needs weren't being met, blah blah. You then see the poor wife doing the "pick me" dance and blaming herself for her husband cheating. You also see that attitude on these boards - many a comment saying a man doesn't cheat if he's happy at home.

Stop flogging yourself over this OP. You sound so defeated. You cheated because you're trapped in a miserable marriage. You need to leave. Your affair has zero bearing on your rights to the children or any assets.

Stop worrying about what other people think. They might raise an eyebrow today but tomorrow you'll be old news. Nobody is really that interested.

Good luck.

** EarringsandLipstick

I think I’m lucky that I’m still allowed to be in the house and to see my children.

Of course you aren't 'lucky' to be 'allowed' to do this.

You would have a right to see your DC & access your home.**

^Yet in another thread where husband has had an affair everyone is telling the OP to change the locks and to not allow the children to see the father. Double standards yet again.

He sounds as if he is abusive and has been.

Why have you no access to money?
That's financial abuse.

You need to contact Women's aid.

You are entitled to half of what is in the marriage.

Forget morality.

Protect yourself.

Tracking you and your phone is wrong.

Cheating is a fact of life. People do it all the time. It doesn't make them bad people, just people who did a shitty thing.

Sometimes people throw a nuke into a relationship they feel they can't end on their own that forces both parties to call it quits instead of keeping up the misery of a dysfunctional relationship.

Maybe you had the affair to bring it all to a head, that he would throw you out and you'd be free of his control. Instead he flipped it and has now used your affair as a reason to control and monitor your every move.

You did a shitty thing yes. But you didn't murder anyone so don't deserve a life sentence. Think seriously about going to women's aid for support.

@Woollensheep

I am sad - but I deserve to be sad I guess.

No you don't. You had an affair, that doesn't sentence you to a lifetime of unhappiness with a controlling arse.

Infidelity has no bearing on a divorce settlement. If you split you would be entitled to half the marital assets, or more.

Please seek support OP as it sounds like you are living in hell. You would be so much happier without him.

@Drinkingallthewine

Cheating is a fact of life. People do it all the time. It doesn't make them bad people, just people who did a shitty thing.

Sometimes people throw a nuke into a relationship they feel they can't end on their own that forces both parties to call it quits instead of keeping up the misery of a dysfunctional relationship.

Maybe you had the affair to bring it all to a head, that he would throw you out and you'd be free of his control. Instead he flipped it and has now used your affair as a reason to control and monitor your every move.

You did a shitty thing yes. But you didn't murder anyone so don't deserve a life sentence. Think seriously about going to women's aid for support.

What she said ^ (and save some wine for me please )

@Drinkingallthewine

Cheating is a fact of life. People do it all the time. It doesn't make them bad people, just people who did a shitty thing.

Sometimes people throw a nuke into a relationship they feel they can't end on their own that forces both parties to call it quits instead of keeping up the misery of a dysfunctional relationship.

Maybe you had the affair to bring it all to a head, that he would throw you out and you'd be free of his control. Instead he flipped it and has now used your affair as a reason to control and monitor your every move.

You did a shitty thing yes. But you didn't murder anyone so don't deserve a life sentence. Think seriously about going to women's aid for support.

So much sense here.

@Woollensheep

I am sad - but I deserve to be sad I guess.

@Woollensheep you sound broken to me. You don't deserve to be treated like this, despite the affair. Please call Women's Aid or someone who you can talk to in real life.

My affair is over so there’s no ‘issue’ exactly

This issue is that he doesn't trust you and he never will. But this does not mean he can control your every move. You need to leave or you will be very sad for the rest of your life.

Having an affair is not illegal. Him abusing you, which he is, is illegal.

You had sex with another man, that's all. There are worse things. Stop beating yourself up and stop putting up with him controlling you.