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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is reasonable and fair?

142 replies

Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 09:37

I had an affair - yes I know. I am a terrible awful person who deserves to be miserable forever.
I told DH about it because we went to marriage counselling as things had not been great for about a decade.
He took it better than I expected initially - he wasn’t over the top angry and he didn’t throw me out or threaten me or anything. He said that he could see why it had happened.
This was about six months ago.
However he’s now saying he wants to be able to track my phone / car at all times, have all my passwords and be able to read all messages I send / receive.
My affair is over so there’s no ‘issue’ exactly, although I don’t love him reading messages I send to my friends for no particular reason really.
I told a couple of my friends about what DH had said and they were pretty horrified but I think I’m lucky that I’m still allowed to be in the house and to see my children.
Aibu for accommodating this and just accepting it’s the outcome of my actions?

OP posts:
Sittingonabench · 09/03/2022 11:30

Look you made a bad decision and it will have hurt him. His trust will be broken and will take time and effort to rebuild. However you are crossing into abusive behaviour - you can’t go out on your own - only to work and for childcare. This will become a pressure cooker and one of you will break. Go to marriage counselling, agree boundaries and what you are prepared to do now but that it will be reviewed. E.g. for now reading messages is ok but when you no longer feel it is it stops. You should never feel like you can’t leave your house on your own - that is totally abusive. Yes tell him where you’re going and with who but do go out. If he can’t rebuild trust over time (which is understandable) then you will both need to call it a day

Nameisjustaname · 09/03/2022 11:31

If I thought he might kill me I would be worried that in the not too distant future I may have an 'accident..

Time to get out now.

saleorbouy · 09/03/2022 11:34

This is his way of dealing with your dishonesty and secretive behaviour which enabled you to conduct an affair. In time as he learns to perhaps trust you again then he'll likely have less need to check up on you.
I think he's been more than reasonable in the circumstances.

noirchatsdeux · 09/03/2022 11:37

I voted YABU for one reason - this is no way for anyone to live.

My father started cheating on my mother before I had even started primary school. My mother stayed with him, but never 'forgave' him and ruined mine and my two brother's childhood by following him around the world so she could keep an eye on him. It's a long story I've posted about numerous times on here.

Everyone in my family would have been far better off if their marriage had ended when we were all young. As it was my father ended up leaving my mother for another woman as soon as my younger brother turned 18.

End this farce now.

PurpleDaisies · 09/03/2022 11:39

@saleorbouy

This is his way of dealing with your dishonesty and secretive behaviour which enabled you to conduct an affair. In time as he learns to perhaps trust you again then he'll likely have less need to check up on you. I think he's been more than reasonable in the circumstances.
You think it’s reasonable for someone to need to know where their partner is at all times? To read all their emails and texts? Really?

Regardless of what the op has done, nobody should have to submit to that.

SpanishPapers · 09/03/2022 11:39

A lot of people posting without apparently RTFT.

wheresthespatula · 09/03/2022 11:42

I think coming home and having a play-by-play of your day sounds reasonable. "X-Y-Z happened and for lunch I had a tuna sandwich" sort of thing. But tracking you? Nope I wouldnt stand for that, I'd be off like a shot

jeaux90 · 09/03/2022 11:44

OP you need to know that coercive control is against the law.

You having an affair is irrelevant to your rights of access to your kids or divorce outcomes.

Please consider divorce, he sounds like a controlling bully.

Notallcatsarenicecats · 09/03/2022 11:44

He has lost trust with you.

He'll never be able to trust you again.
He won't forget, which means he can't forgive him. Isnt it best that you leave the family home because you're the one who broke the family up.
He doesn't have the right to keep the kids from you though.

Notallcatsarenicecats · 09/03/2022 11:45

*you

Thewindwhispers · 09/03/2022 11:53

That isn’t a marriage, OP.

Your DH needs to decide if he can forgive you and trust you - or not. Reading your phone and tracking you etc is a slippery slope and creepy stalkerish revenge-type behaviour that is more likely to drive you away than heal the marriage.

It sounds like he is punishing you and you, out of guilt, are encouraging him to. That ain’t a healthy marriage.

Go back to counselling and pay the counsellor £70 to tell you that the marriage will fail unless you can genuinely learn to forgive and trust each other again. Or take it from me and save yourself £70 🤷‍♀️

CornishGem1975 · 09/03/2022 11:56

Nope. Regardless of having an affair - I would never ever agree to that. He has made the decision to continue the relationship with you so he needs to learn to trust you. If he can't do that without tracking and checking, then he needs to end the relationship and move on.

Leftbutcameback · 09/03/2022 12:02

I don’t think he was actually feeling reasonable, he’s hidden his anger and distrust which is coming out now in his actions. What did the counsellor say about it?

whynotwhatknot · 09/03/2022 12:03

In a way i dont blame him for not trusting you for now but tracking your car and forbiding you to go out alone is too far

Has he told you he would stop you seeing your children if you left-because he cant

ValerieCupcake · 09/03/2022 12:04

[quote 77kidsandcounting]@ValerieCupcake please tell me you have left now?[/quote]
Yes when I said I wish I had left, I meant at 23 not 33.

TheCatWearsPrada · 09/03/2022 12:19

Of course it's unreasonable to track your every move and honestly like it or not your relationship is over. He can't trust you because you've already proved that you can't be trusted.
Your actions have destroyed your relationship. The best thing you could do is walk away from him

BeHappy91818 · 09/03/2022 12:22

He can’t take your kids away from you affair or no affair.

I wouldn’t agree to never going out on my own either. That’s stupid.

BeHappy91818 · 09/03/2022 12:24

I’d let him have my passwords and see messages but I wouldn’t allow the tracking. You are not a dog.

Telebonn · 09/03/2022 12:25

@CornishGem1975

Nope. Regardless of having an affair - I would never ever agree to that. He has made the decision to continue the relationship with you so he needs to learn to trust you. If he can't do that without tracking and checking, then he needs to end the relationship and move on.
Yes exactly, or even better run OP. Yes you did something shitty, doesn't mean you deserve to be controlled, or that you're 'lucky' he's staying with you with his rules. Also the children aren't anything anything do with it.
Landedonfeet · 09/03/2022 12:26

Who cares if “fair”

Sounds a shit way for both of you to exist

Toodleloodle · 09/03/2022 12:29

No no no, this is not reasonable behaviour. Either he learns to trust you again, or he realises he can't, at which point the marriage is over. But he can't stop you from seeing the kids, so I'm not sure why you're worried about that. Do you even want to be with him OP?

Chloemol · 09/03/2022 12:30

Nope wouldn’t do it regardless of if i had an affair

Yes he has to rebuild his trust but that doesn’t give him the right to be so controlling

Personally if you had an affair you should be looking to leave, and let him find someone, he will never trust you again

AlmostMaybe · 09/03/2022 12:33

It’s normal for your husband to not trust you after you had an affair, but him tracking you and reading all messages isn’t ok.

I don’t think relationships ever work after an affair, its a horrendous thing to do and the trust is gone.

Original poster
Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 13:26

Yes. I regret the affair.
Prior to that I was trapped and unhappy but everyone would have been on my ‘side’ because of dh’s behaviour over the years. Now that has been negated and I’m trapped and unhappy but also now can’t complain about anything because Ive had an affair. Ultimately before I think he’d have had to be the one to leave, I’d have been entirely to half of everything and the children would have been with my 50/50 at least, but having the affair means Ive lost that ‘high ground.’

OP posts:
Original poster
Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 13:28

I can’t leave the home, I’ve nowhere to go. Literally nowhere to go and no access to money.

OP posts: