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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is reasonable and fair?

142 replies

Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 09:37

I had an affair - yes I know. I am a terrible awful person who deserves to be miserable forever.
I told DH about it because we went to marriage counselling as things had not been great for about a decade.
He took it better than I expected initially - he wasn’t over the top angry and he didn’t throw me out or threaten me or anything. He said that he could see why it had happened.
This was about six months ago.
However he’s now saying he wants to be able to track my phone / car at all times, have all my passwords and be able to read all messages I send / receive.
My affair is over so there’s no ‘issue’ exactly, although I don’t love him reading messages I send to my friends for no particular reason really.
I told a couple of my friends about what DH had said and they were pretty horrified but I think I’m lucky that I’m still allowed to be in the house and to see my children.
Aibu for accommodating this and just accepting it’s the outcome of my actions?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/03/2022 13:29

You should call women’s aid. They can help you leave safely.

Quartz2208 · 09/03/2022 13:47

@Woollensheep

Yes. I regret the affair. Prior to that I was trapped and unhappy but everyone would have been on my ‘side’ because of dh’s behaviour over the years. Now that has been negated and I’m trapped and unhappy but also now can’t complain about anything because Ive had an affair. Ultimately before I think he’d have had to be the one to leave, I’d have been entirely to half of everything and the children would have been with my 50/50 at least, but having the affair means Ive lost that ‘high ground.’
Having an affair doesnt do that at all. You are still entitled to half of everything and having the children 50/50.

Morally yes you may have lost some of the high ground (although I suspect if you revealed the extent of his behaviour not as much as you think). But legally there is no high ground. Your entitlement is exactly the same as it was.

He is using this to be even more abusive than he was before - you have even less control.

I am still on your side OP and I think others may well be too

Nothingsfine · 09/03/2022 13:50

This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read. No, I don't condone you having an affair but that in no way affects your ability to parent. This man is controlling, abusive and has you over a barrel. He's probably delighted you had an affair because it's given him a blank cheque to control you for the rest of your life. If you dare get pissed off with his treatment he'll throw the affair back in your face.
Honestly, get some legal advice and consider your future. No one is winning here, least of all your children.

CornishGem1975 · 09/03/2022 13:53

@Woollensheep

Yes. I regret the affair. Prior to that I was trapped and unhappy but everyone would have been on my ‘side’ because of dh’s behaviour over the years. Now that has been negated and I’m trapped and unhappy but also now can’t complain about anything because Ive had an affair. Ultimately before I think he’d have had to be the one to leave, I’d have been entirely to half of everything and the children would have been with my 50/50 at least, but having the affair means Ive lost that ‘high ground.’
No, you've not lost anything. If people would have been on your side and they know about his previous behaviour, they probably won't judge you as harshly as you think. Not saying, it excuses an affair, but if he's always been an arse and they know it, they're probably not going to suddenly take his side.
steff13 · 09/03/2022 13:54

I think if he wants to continue the marriage he has to forgive you, and forgiving you means letting it go. He can't use it as a way to control you or a stick to beat you with in an argument, etc. If he hasn't forgiven you, I would end the marriage.

PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 13:54

@Woollensheep

Yes. I regret the affair. Prior to that I was trapped and unhappy but everyone would have been on my ‘side’ because of dh’s behaviour over the years. Now that has been negated and I’m trapped and unhappy but also now can’t complain about anything because Ive had an affair. Ultimately before I think he’d have had to be the one to leave, I’d have been entirely to half of everything and the children would have been with my 50/50 at least, but having the affair means Ive lost that ‘high ground.’
@Woollensheep You seem misinformed, you are still legally entitled to 50-50 and primary/sole custody of your children.

Who is feeding you this nonsense that you aren't?

Original poster
Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 13:55

But morally - am I morally entitled to anything?

OP posts:
Member869894 · 09/03/2022 13:56

That's ridiculous and controlling. Don't agree to it

Member869894 · 09/03/2022 13:57

The fact that you had an affair will have no adverse effect on financial settlement if you divorce

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 09/03/2022 13:59

You fucked up he will never trust you again, you need to leave and divorce, you are still entitled to 50/50 no matter what your friends saying that you are lucky they are not friends

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 14:01

You can't stay in this relationship. He can choose to forgive you or not. He can't choose to 'allow' you stay then use the affair to control and isolate you.

You say you work but you have no access to money. Do you mean no spare money or do you mean he controls your earnings?

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 14:02

@Woollensheep

But morally - am I morally entitled to anything?
Morals don't mean you're entitled to less in a divorce settlement. Set emotion aside. Be practical.
purpleboy · 09/03/2022 14:03

@Woollensheep

But morally - am I morally entitled to anything?
Is he morally right to treat you the way he is?
CornishGem1975 · 09/03/2022 14:06

@Woollensheep

But morally - am I morally entitled to anything?
Who gives a chuff about morally? You have erred, it sounds like he behaved badly in the past and isn't bathed in glory now so probably in no position to take the moral high ground.
CornishGem1975 · 09/03/2022 14:06

Believe me, the fact that you had an affair will not be taken into consideration in any divorce proceedings - financial or childcare arrangements.

JaneJeffer · 09/03/2022 14:08

Is the husband posting this?

SpanishPapers · 09/03/2022 14:12

@Woollensheep

But morally - am I morally entitled to anything?
Yes, of course. Custody of your children and division of assets aren't affected by the affair. Morally it sounds as if there’s more blame on his side than on yours, frankly. I’m not condoning your affair but nor does it excuse his behaviour before or since.

Who has given you the idea that you would lose your children?

Call Womens Aid and explain to them the situation, especially the fact you’re not allowed out on your own etc and the tracking.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 09/03/2022 14:17

You need to leave. You need to get out.

He is abusive. An affair is bad. I think it should mean the end if the marriage. But he chose to take you back. That's it. He cannot then use it an eas excuse to abuse you.

He is controlling your movements, he is spying on everything you do and say and he is financially abusing you.

You must leave. The affair doesnt stop you getting half of everything. You're married. You will get your half of the assets. Dont worry about that.

Call women's aid and they will help you. Once you're out, with the kids, you will receive financial help from universal credit and you can open a case with the child maintenance service. You will have money. You will be fine.

Call women's aid. Get out.

Quartz2208 · 09/03/2022 14:21

@Woollensheep

But morally - am I morally entitled to anything?
Yes you are - half.
QueenJulian · 09/03/2022 14:24

You having an affair doesn’t negate all the bad things he has done and is still doing. You’re not allowed out on your own and now you’re not allowed to have any private conversations? You also have no money? He is controlling and abusive and personally I’m not surprised you had an affair. Your children may well understand exactly why you did when they’re older. Also the affair will have no impact on custody or finances if you split. It’s just a moral stick to beat you with. You thought he’d be violent but he’s playing a longer game by the sounds of things.

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 14:25

@Woollensheep

But morally - am I morally entitled to anything?
There is no morally about it really. Its a relationship that had failed spectacularly.
NewYearNewMinty · 09/03/2022 14:28

You are working yet you have no access to money?

Was this going on before you had the affair?

Whatever you have done your husband is clearly manipulative, controlling and by the sounds of if dangerously abusive.

Morals do not come into it...you need to get out.

How old are the kids?

andysgirl22 · 09/03/2022 15:02

Op hello , a massive hug, all the support and good wishes i can send to you. I am in a very familiar situation . Please PM me if you wish to chat and for support. I do not want to put all the details of my similar situation here, i do not want to hi jack your thread but i wanted to reach out to you. Hope that is okay, xx

Lampface · 09/03/2022 15:05

Aye you had an affair and I'll never condone that but OP you need to leave. You actually sound so, so sad. It's clear you're unhappy, and it sounds like you are not treated well. You've not lost the high ground - can you tell us a bit about his behaviour? You're still allowed to have feelings and you can still be hurt, even though you've hurt him.

Original poster
Woollensheep · 09/03/2022 15:09

I am sad - but I deserve to be sad I guess.

OP posts:
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