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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sex, marriage, open relationship

130 replies

Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 06:19

Long story ... I've been with my husband for 7 years, we met when I was 18 (worth noting I have experienced other sexual partners). We have a child together and just purchased our first house. I love him so much and I would never consider leaving him, he absolutely perfect in everyway except, sex.

I have a super high sex drive, his is non existent. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month. He rejects me all the time and it hurts, a lot.

Even after 7 years when I see him I just want to jump on him! Its not an attraction issue, I'm not stuck up at all. But I'm know I'm desirable let's say!

Anyway, he brought up the idea of a threesome about a year ago, everytime we spoke about it he got super excited and we had great sex! Then after sex he wouldn't speak of it for few weeks 😬 I signed up to a website to find a partner to join us (with his permission) anyway I spoke to plenty of men and I'm down to one. Because my husbands not in the mood anymore when I ask to arrange a date he just shruggs his shoulders and says not yet. To be honest I give up on the idea it's obviously just the thought that gets him aroused not the actual threesome. But this guy has got me going crazy, I'm not interested in a relationship of course but I really want to sleep with him. I'm very sexually frustrated to the point of crying and not sleeping.

I couldn't cheat as tempting as it is. I can't bare the thought of lying to my husband and the thought of us breaking up kills me. So I'm thinking on asking him for an open relationship. If he doesn't agree what on earth do I do? I cant live my life with minimal sex, I've discussed it sooo many times with him and it's like talking to a wall. I don't know how to broach the subject and I'm scared hell accuse me of cheating when I haven't. Its a point where I'm considering meeting him without his permission I know I wouldn't be able to plan to meet this guy and sneak around, but if he knocked on my door Today I know there's 0 chance I'd resist.

Has anyone ever successfully requested an open relationship? Or any experience similar to mine where you truly deeply love your husband but the sexless aspect is literally killing 😭

OP posts:
LizzoBennett · 09/03/2022 07:05

No experience of an OR but I just wanted to say that I sympathise. The tension, stress and resentment builds until we have sex and then we repeat the cycle.

The thing I always tell myself is that one day my drive will die down. I'd rather be with a really good man long term than risk losing him/end up in a sexually compatible relationship that is lesser in others ways.

He can't change his drive, same as you. So if he says no to an OR then you need to decide what is important and shift your mindset.

Original poster
Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 09:07

I agree with everything. I can't leave even if I wanted to. I would be so unhappy without him in my life. But I'm equally unhappy staying because I feel like part of me incomplete. My head is a mess I'm on the edge of making a possibly terrible decision. I feel sick 😭

Im going to discuss it with today I'm terrified, but I need to tell him truly how I feel

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 09/03/2022 09:15

If he agrees it will be because he’s scared of losing you rather than him wanting an open marriage. Then he will resent it and feel jealous and anxious every time you go out I imagine.

Unfortunately you are fundamentally incompatible. That’s a huge shame but it’s true and you are very young to be settling for that when it’s clearly so difficult already.

Consider counselling with a view to separation.

TheVolturi · 09/03/2022 09:18

This sounded like the Ross, Carol and Susan situation in friends. Is there any chance he might be bisexual?

Original poster
Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 09:21

I agree with that too 😭

But I would honestly choose to stay with him no matter what he says, spitting really isn't an option. I'd rather be unhappy then loose him. Perhaps we should try counseling, although I doubt he would agree to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 09:24

I highly doubt it 🤔

I mean he wants a threesome with another man but he said he must be straight and only touch me...

He asked if I'd be up for one with a women too which I declined as It really wouldn't turn me on...

OP posts:
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 09/03/2022 09:27

Is he 25? If he is maybe there's an underlying issue. I don't think many people in their 20s have a very low sex drive and if he won't agree to counselling he's hardly perfect is he? 18 is very young to settle, I feel there's a lot more to this than just incompatible sex drives.

user842 · 09/03/2022 09:30

First, having sex 2/3 times a month isn’t zero sex drive.

Second, this is clearly something that is very important to you, have you though about sex and relationship counselling together?

Does he know how miserable this is making you?

Original poster
Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 09:31

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

Is he 25? If he is maybe there's an underlying issue. I don't think many people in their 20s have a very low sex drive and if he won't agree to counselling he's hardly perfect is he? 18 is very young to settle, I feel there's a lot more to this than just incompatible sex drives.
No he is older by 10years, he is 35 now.

It is young! To give some context I was with a guy from 14yrs to 18yrs. I left him and met my husband within weeks, I broke things off with him as I knew I wasn't ready to settle, I had around 6months of being a typical 18year old, but kept going back to him numerous of times as I really liked him!!

I then decided I didn't want anyone else so we spoke and made it official.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 09:33

@user842

First, having sex 2/3 times a month isn’t zero sex drive.

Second, this is clearly something that is very important to you, have you though about sex and relationship counselling together?

Does he know how miserable this is making you?

Honestly somtimes it's less I just averaged it out.

I've considered counselling myself as I feel there's something wrong with me for wanting it so much 😂

I have told him how bad I feel when he rejects me. He says he will try ! But then it feels forced and it's not enjoyable!

OP posts:
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 09/03/2022 09:39

At nearly 30 he must have worked out he had a very low sex drive but he pursued a relationship with a teenager anyway and now is content to not do anything about it. I really don't think he's anything close to perfect. You haven't really had chance to explore yourself. Maybe start by getting to know you and reassessing if you were a bit naive to tie yourself to a man who doesn't want to make you happy.

TheVolturi · 09/03/2022 09:47

To be honest, I know you love him, but you aren't matched? Sex is important to you and its not to him. So you need to make this plainly obvious to him and if it's not something he can resolve then you probably need to think about splitting. You get one life, and you need to be happy.

Original poster
Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 09:48

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

At nearly 30 he must have worked out he had a very low sex drive but he pursued a relationship with a teenager anyway and now is content to not do anything about it. I really don't think he's anything close to perfect. You haven't really had chance to explore yourself. Maybe start by getting to know you and reassessing if you were a bit naive to tie yourself to a man who doesn't want to make you happy.
I hope I haven't painted him in a bad light 😂

He really does look after me in every other aspect. He's worked really hard to get us to where we are, amazing dad too.

It really only the last half of our relationship then the sex has declined, it kind of just happened suddenly which is why I think it's possibly link to some medical issue or mental health?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 09/03/2022 10:00

Rather than jumping straight to asking for an open relationship, could you have a serious chat about trying to improve the sex issue in other ways (e.g. counselling, him seeing a GP, experimentation, even schedules work for some people). I don't know if you've already done this of course, I just wonder whether he knows how serious it is (i.e. that you're feeling like you can't live this way) and would be prepared to make some effort if he did?

NightmareSlashDelightful · 09/03/2022 10:15

Entering into an open relationship to 'fix' an issue always ends badly. Always always always.

I know a fair few people in open relationships (mostly gay men) and the successful ones all start from a position of equality and trust, and a desire to explore certain very specific things separately as well as together.

The ones who do it through frustration or because of mismatched sex drives always end up hurting someone, and then painfully breaking up, and it would have been better if they'd simply broken up in the first place.

You've said yourself that you're wondering if there's a medical or mental health factor here. If so, why would you shagging another man solve anything? It would be supremely callous to do this under the 'I need to get mine' banner if he is struggling with a physical or psychological issue.

Sportslady44 · 09/03/2022 10:30

I think it's dangerous it could end up splitting you and your husband up.

Nobody died from lack of sex no matter how frustrating it is. There are worse things to live with.

Sportslady44 · 09/03/2022 10:32

@TheVolturi

To be honest, I know you love him, but you aren't matched? Sex is important to you and its not to him. So you need to make this plainly obvious to him and if it's not something he can resolve then you probably need to think about splitting. You get one life, and you need to be happy.
Doesn't mean if she moves partner and he is good in bed that he is going to be good in other areas. Nobody is perfect are they?
Original poster
Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 10:37

@NightmareSlashDelightful

Entering into an open relationship to 'fix' an issue always ends badly. Always always always.

I know a fair few people in open relationships (mostly gay men) and the successful ones all start from a position of equality and trust, and a desire to explore certain very specific things separately as well as together.

The ones who do it through frustration or because of mismatched sex drives always end up hurting someone, and then painfully breaking up, and it would have been better if they'd simply broken up in the first place.

You've said yourself that you're wondering if there's a medical or mental health factor here. If so, why would you shagging another man solve anything? It would be supremely callous to do this under the 'I need to get mine' banner if he is struggling with a physical or psychological issue.

I completely agree it may not fix the issue. It's just another option to consider seeing as everything I've tried is failing...I'd be happy with an open relationship it's only the lack of sex that's made me even consider it being a option. I haven't given it much thought before.

In regards to the health aspect yes I've considered it and I've asked but he brushes me off. If he doesn't admit to it I simply I don't know 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 10:38

@Sportslady44

I think it's dangerous it could end up splitting you and your husband up.

Nobody died from lack of sex no matter how frustrating it is. There are worse things to live with.

Of course no one has died. But everyone has different feelings about what's important in relationship. Sex is very important to me, so in my case it is extremely difficult to live with.
OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 10:39

It is tough having mis matched sex drives, but honestly I think he is just getting off on the fantasy and he doesn't want the reality.

Yes, you need to consider that you may leave but end up worse off, who knows.

Have you discussed him pleasing you without having full sex? Would that work?

Original poster
Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 10:41

The exact reason I cannot leave him. I doubt I'd find anyone else as good as him in every other aspect.

I just feel awful about the way i feel

OP posts:
Sportslady44 · 09/03/2022 10:42

If something really serious happens in your life the sex thing will.pail into insignificance. Be happy with what you have . Life is perfect for no-one

Original poster
Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 10:43

@HELLITHURT

It is tough having mis matched sex drives, but honestly I think he is just getting off on the fantasy and he doesn't want the reality.

Yes, you need to consider that you may leave but end up worse off, who knows.

Have you discussed him pleasing you without having full sex? Would that work?

Yes we have discussed this. To be honest Its not even about me receiving pleasure. As an example (please excuse me for being rude) I offered him a blow job last night with no expectation of sex or oral sex on my self and he declined it. Its humiliating
OP posts:
Original poster
Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 10:45

@Sportslady44

If something really serious happens in your life the sex thing will.pail into insignificance. Be happy with what you have . Life is perfect for no-one
I know that too. Its just so hard 😭
OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 10:45

@Anonjd3 so it is more the rejection that is upsetting you? I think the key to everything is talking, do you talk well?

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