Page 4 | Sex, marriage, open relationship

Tiredandhungry23 · 09/03/2022 17:18

@redambergreengo its abit unfair for you to comment that if you have experienced a good sex life with your partner and then as age and sickness got involved it dwindled. That makes sense and is alot easier to accept without resentment being built as that is all generally circumstances out of your control.

The op is only young! Her life has barely begun and now she is being subjected to saying goodbye to that part of her life most likely for good.

Sex cant be compared to with other attributes. Your example of lack of money is silly. Money can be sourced from other places outside of a marraige. Conventionally sex can't. Her husband ( as long as they stsy monogamous) is the only person on this planet that can give op that part of her life back or strip it away.

She can sort herself out but that is not the same as having intimate sex with another and anyone who tries to say so is kidding themselves. Also op shouldnt be expected to just sort herself out when she is in a relationship, then she might as well be single.

U2HasTheEdge · 09/03/2022 17:47

@cuno

I don't want to sound nasty, but it bothers me that a man almost 30 would go for an 18 year old. I know 18 is an adult, but barely... and still a teenager at that age. There is a massive power imbalance between those ages. Now you are 25 there isn't really much of a power imbalance anymore. It does make me wonder if the sex issues are related to that?

I think that's a fair point.

I can't see how this will work OP. If he does decide to have sex with other people too, how will you get over the hurt of him doing that when he wasn't able to give you what you need? That is bound to hurt and get very messy. All the rules in the world won't protect you from that.

It has disaster written all over it, doesn't it? I know you don't want to leave your husband, but opening your marriage seems likely it will lead to that anyway.

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/03/2022 17:51

Stressed out,anxious and with a dwindling libido;sounds like depression.

Sportslady44 · 09/03/2022 18:10

My last post on this or you might feel I'm being OTT or aggressive.
Think carefully before you bring someone else into the privacy of your marriage. There are some nasty people out there. It could turn nasty you don't know who your dealing with. Are they married too if so if they are doing this behind wife's back extremely bad idea. You also don't know who else they are involved with.

If you were my daughter I'd be worried you going down this route.

Comedycook · 09/03/2022 18:17

Also op shouldnt be expected to just sort herself out when she is in a relationship, then she might as well be single

She'd probably have more sex if she was single

redambergreengo · 09/03/2022 18:43

@Tiredandhungry23 I think you need to eat and sleep 🤣🤣

Tiredandhungry23 · 09/03/2022 18:51

@redambergreengo I think its easy to tell the op to just get over herself when your saying it from a stand point of having a satisfying sex life yourself. At least you had that whether it wasnt forever or not. Some of us have been stuck with crappy selfisb and neglectful partners that can be bothered for sex with their partners but would most likely jump on the chance to shag a stranger.

We deserve better

JangolinaPitt · 09/03/2022 19:04

[quote redambergreengo]@Tiredandhungry23 I think you need to eat and sleep 🤣🤣[/quote]

Zipper666 · 09/03/2022 19:09

The threesome with another man sounds like living out some porn fantasy with YOU being violated by both of them at the same time.
It doesn't sound like a healthy fantasy...

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 19:24

Was he more keen on the idea of threesome involving another woman? I wonder if that is why he went off it, when it was another man. Was another woman, or two women, more his idea of a good time?

I have to be truthful in my opinion. If he started sleeping with other women after hardly sleeping with you then this would really worry me. I think the whole open relationship thing is completely doomed.

Tread very carefully here because this is an easy way for your marriage to fall apart quickly.

What is the sex like when you do have it? Is he in to it or is it over in a flash?

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 19:24

Also good point that he could be depressed.

redambergreengo · 09/03/2022 19:57

@Tiredandhungry23 you still not eaten or slept yet?

Original poster

Anonjd3 · 09/03/2022 20:05

I cant reply to everyone. But I do really appreciate everyone's comments, well see how he feels tomorrow, I don't know if an open relationship is the right choice, none of the option's are the right choice. We just need to find a way to make us both happy. If we eventually break up. We will... But I'm not ready to leave him yet. If we break up in future I'll still be happy that I've spent more time with him loving him and him me etc. I know it's not because he doesn't love me or he's gay or he wants to sleep around. I'm certain were just not compatible sexually. Or maybe stressed has seriously killed his libido. Who knows, So what happens happens....

OP posts:

Sportslady44 · 09/03/2022 20:17

@Comedycook

Op...you are young. Stop wasting your best years on a man who doesn't want sex. I can assure you there are plenty of men out there who are more than happy to have sex...there are also plenty of men who will be just as nice as your current dh.

I will tell you one thing about your dh...you will NEVER change him.

Sorry but nobody's perfect and there's no guarantee she will meet someone who ticks all the boxes. Sometimes better the devil you know and the grass certainly is not always greener elsewhere.

Tiredandhungry23 · 09/03/2022 20:33

@redambergreengo its getting old using a recylced comment. Hows about you get off your high horse and say something constructive

Tiredandhungry23 · 09/03/2022 20:42

@Anonjd3 please dont let people on this thread grind you down into thinking that you must be okay with this. I've never seen such double standards in my life and you need to remember this is an anonymous thread online where alot of people talk crao that they would never actually apply or do to their own selves. Like heck would majority of women just accept little to no sex for the rest of their lives.

I really think you should of posted this in relationships as you generally get advice and not just told to get on with things.

Maybe consider posting something on there?

All im saying is i've seen plenty of threads on here about women in a sexless relationship. It doesnt matter how much you love each other op at the end of the day sex means something to you and it clearly isnt too the same level as your dp. But when something is important to you and your partner dismisses your needs over time resentment will build and it will only get worse. Love only carries you so far. For now you may think its a price worth paying if it means being with him but 5 years down the line of constant rejection and lack of sex and you could be at your wits end and regret the wasted time.

There is someone out there that you can have an intimate relationship with op dont limit yourself

You arent a pest for wanting sex in your relationship fgs as any NORMAL HEALTHY relationship would consist of it.

Sex is a big part of a relationship unless you are asexual. Its a big part of adulthood. Alot of these threads written by women who have a sexless relationship start to feel unwanted, shutdown and undesirable. Its a depressing situation that wears away at you.

All im saying op is dont feel that the only option is to stay. You are NOT unreasonable for expecting more out of your partner and your relationship and most importantly out of life. You are so young. Dont waste yourself on someone who doesnt appreicate your sexuality as a woman.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/03/2022 20:45

As someone in a long term open relationship...
I don't think this will work. We were open from the start. I think trying to open a relationship to fix an issue is doomed to fail. Open relationships are hard - so worth it when they work but hard and require a LOT of communication and openness. My DP and I have no secrets and nothing we can't talk about, and we talk a lot. If you have communication issues it won't work even more.

You're 25. You shouldn't accept a shit sex life for the rest of your life. Hell you shouldn't accept that at any age. I know you want to stay with him but this will probably kill your love in the end and you'll fall for someone else. Sorry to be gloomy but that's very likely.

Fandangofran · 09/03/2022 21:03

If there are issues when there are just the two of you in the relationship then introducing a 3rd party into it is never going to help. The potential fall out is massive - especially where kids etc are involved.

In our case my husband has an extremely high sex drive and mine has dwindled a lot. Just because I don't want to have sex with him constantly doesn't mean I would be happy for him to have sex with someone else. I would be beyond devastated. We've talked and worked on it and tried to meet each other half way because I know how important it is to him.

Your husband's lack of drive is his responsibility - he needs to take steps to fix it and more importantly he has to WANT to do that for the sake of your relationship. It seems like he's just happy not to put the effort in because he thinks you won't leave.

If he doesn't want to fix it and it's so important to you then in my opinion the options are live with it or leave - not to sleep with other men.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/03/2022 21:18

OP, you might consider asking for this to be moved to the Sex board; you'd likely get more responses there from people who have been in open relationships or struggled with mismatched sex drives. Men with lower sex drives than their partners are a common theme on the Relationships board.
Re your comment:
we will have lots of rules so that neither of us will be uncomfortable. I'd trust him to follow, I know id follow them too.
Beware. It's easy to set out rules at the start, and for you perhaps to agree to whatever conditions he specifies, because you're desperate and you are trying to save your marriage, whereas it sounds like he's quite happy with the status quo. But it can be a lot harder to stick to those rules once you've started seeing someone and it's all exciting. For instance, if you're envisaging only seeing a man once or twice, how often are you going to be having to find new sex partners? Realistically, how easy is it going to be? Actually, if you sign up to the FabSwingers site, you'll have lots of options - but so many practicalities to consider.
I know a couple who had one of these agreements, though both of them wanted to play away. The man ended up specifying so many rules about who the woman could and couldn't see, she was left with no other realistic options so bent his rules and all hell broke loose. He also bent rules but she was more tolerant. If you want your rules to be effective, think very carefully about them before agreeing.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/03/2022 21:22

[quote Tiredandhungry23]@redambergreengo its abit unfair for you to comment that if you have experienced a good sex life with your partner and then as age and sickness got involved it dwindled. That makes sense and is alot easier to accept without resentment being built as that is all generally circumstances out of your control.

The op is only young! Her life has barely begun and now she is being subjected to saying goodbye to that part of her life most likely for good.

Sex cant be compared to with other attributes. Your example of lack of money is silly. Money can be sourced from other places outside of a marraige. Conventionally sex can't. Her husband ( as long as they stsy monogamous) is the only person on this planet that can give op that part of her life back or strip it away.

She can sort herself out but that is not the same as having intimate sex with another and anyone who tries to say so is kidding themselves. Also op shouldnt be expected to just sort herself out when she is in a relationship, then she might as well be single.[/quote]
Spot on, and very well put.

Hawkins001 · 09/03/2022 21:24

@Anonjd3

Long story ... I've been with my husband for 7 years, we met when I was 18 (worth noting I have experienced other sexual partners). We have a child together and just purchased our first house. I love him so much and I would never consider leaving him, he absolutely perfect in everyway except, sex.

I have a super high sex drive, his is non existent. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month. He rejects me all the time and it hurts, a lot.

Even after 7 years when I see him I just want to jump on him! Its not an attraction issue, I'm not stuck up at all. But I'm know I'm desirable let's say!

Anyway, he brought up the idea of a threesome about a year ago, everytime we spoke about it he got super excited and we had great sex! Then after sex he wouldn't speak of it for few weeks 😬 I signed up to a website to find a partner to join us (with his permission) anyway I spoke to plenty of men and I'm down to one. Because my husbands not in the mood anymore when I ask to arrange a date he just shruggs his shoulders and says not yet. To be honest I give up on the idea it's obviously just the thought that gets him aroused not the actual threesome. But this guy has got me going crazy, I'm not interested in a relationship of course but I really want to sleep with him. I'm very sexually frustrated to the point of crying and not sleeping.

I couldn't cheat as tempting as it is. I can't bare the thought of lying to my husband and the thought of us breaking up kills me. So I'm thinking on asking him for an open relationship. If he doesn't agree what on earth do I do? I cant live my life with minimal sex, I've discussed it sooo many times with him and it's like talking to a wall. I don't know how to broach the subject and I'm scared hell accuse me of cheating when I haven't. Its a point where I'm considering meeting him without his permission I know I wouldn't be able to plan to meet this guy and sneak around, but if he knocked on my door Today I know there's 0 chance I'd resist.

Has anyone ever successfully requested an open relationship? Or any experience similar to mine where you truly deeply love your husband but the sexless aspect is literally killing 😭

reading with intrigue from a psychological perspectives, all the best op.

command10 · 09/03/2022 23:28

I think it's time to have that discussion where you enforce your desire for intimacy with others. You just need to assure him you are not leaving him and he is currently your priority. I wont say "tell him your're not looking for love" as this happens in open relationships as much as you begin with no intention. Maybe discuss a "Don't ask Don't tell" rule as to not upset him. Keep us updated on how you go. :)

DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/03/2022 23:56

I would honestly choose to stay with him no matter what he says, spitting really isn't an option. I'd rather be unhappy then loose him.

OP, this is bad for you. I was talking to someone wise about the breakdown of my 20-year marriage and said that I had always been so committed to the marriage, I would have stayed no matter what. The wise friend said that was the problem. Both parties need to know that each might walk, if not treated with care and consideration.

Sex with my ExH was good at first. Then it became infrequent and there were years where I lay in bed feeling rejected, unwanted, alone, thinking what a waste of my best years, when surely other people would have wanted me. For many of us, sex is so important - I'm not religious but words like sacred and spiritual rise up in my mind when I think of sex with the man I love. If you are a very sexual person then it's the glue that holds a relationship together, gets you through the bad times, reconnects you. If it's important to you then it's not fair to dismiss it as frivolous or shallow.
Loss of male desire is quite common in a relationship and sex therapists are used to talking to people about it. But whether it's fixable is a different matter; unless he wants to change things, it won't be fixable.

Sosop · 10/03/2022 07:19

I completely understand where you're coming from OP, and having such a desire for sex and being rejected constantly is soul destroying.

You need to remember that having an open relationship is only fulfilling what you want. It's only addressing things on the surface, and when you've had a few threesomes or whatever, the same underlying issue between you and DH is still going to be there.

You need to be honest with him and tell him exactly how it's making you feel. Communicate about everything. Only once you've done that can you plan moving forward.

Happydaysaheadofme · 10/03/2022 12:02

Just to comment….I have an under active thyroid and it massively affects my libido. It could be something as simple as a hormonal imbalance.

Also stress/anxiety/depression also really affect my mood and intimacy too. Luckily hubby understands.

Whatever decision you make as a couple will be the right one. Wishing you luck on your journey x