Sex, marriage, open relationship

[Anonjd3]

Long story ... I've been with my husband for 7 years, we met when I was 18 (worth noting I have experienced other sexual partners). We have a child together and just purchased our first house. I love him so much and I would never consider leaving him, he absolutely perfect in everyway except, sex.

I have a super high sex drive, his is non existent. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month. He rejects me all the time and it hurts, a lot.

Even after 7 years when I see him I just want to jump on him! Its not an attraction issue, I'm not stuck up at all. But I'm know I'm desirable let's say!

Anyway, he brought up the idea of a threesome about a year ago, everytime we spoke about it he got super excited and we had great sex! Then after sex he wouldn't speak of it for few weeks 😬 I signed up to a website to find a partner to join us (with his permission) anyway I spoke to plenty of men and I'm down to one. Because my husbands not in the mood anymore when I ask to arrange a date he just shruggs his shoulders and says not yet. To be honest I give up on the idea it's obviously just the thought that gets him aroused not the actual threesome. But this guy has got me going crazy, I'm not interested in a relationship of course but I really want to sleep with him. I'm very sexually frustrated to the point of crying and not sleeping.

I couldn't cheat as tempting as it is. I can't bare the thought of lying to my husband and the thought of us breaking up kills me. So I'm thinking on asking him for an open relationship. If he doesn't agree what on earth do I do? I cant live my life with minimal sex, I've discussed it sooo many times with him and it's like talking to a wall. I don't know how to broach the subject and I'm scared hell accuse me of cheating when I haven't. Its a point where I'm considering meeting him without his permission I know I wouldn't be able to plan to meet this guy and sneak around, but if he knocked on my door Today I know there's 0 chance I'd resist.

Has anyone ever successfully requested an open relationship? Or any experience similar to mine where you truly deeply love your husband but the sexless aspect is literally killing 😭

Its the frequency that depresses me but the rejection hurts, like a lot. I'm a pretty confident person but to be consistently rejected really knocks me down.

I've told him everything, he listens but never knows what to say, we just go to bed in a awkward silence and then forget we even discussed anything ...

Forget anyone else in your sex life. Sit and chat together about it and your expectations of each other, how you make him feel and vice versa. See if you can reach a compromise that way.

@redambergreengo

Forget anyone else in your sex life. Sit and chat together about it and your expectations of each other, how you make him feel and vice versa. See if you can reach a compromise that way.

I'm waiting for him to come home now and will speak with him. Try to find out what the issue is, explain what I need etc, I'm so nervous but I can't ignore my feelings any longer :(

I just hope to god we figure something out!

Ive stopped speaking the guy online 2 days ago. I told him threesome is off the cards as I know my hubby isn't truly interested in it. I also admitted I couldn't cheat but I did tell him I'm going to discuss an open relationship, but until its agreed we must stop messaging 😕 that's only because I felt myself going way past the line and literally day dreaming about meeting him!

Obviously not, but the op is unhappy with the way her life is, so something needs to give.

@TheVolturi

Obviously not, but the op is unhappy with the way her life is, so something needs to give.

@Sportslady44

Ugh oh my op im there with you right now. Were only early twenties. Countless talks of me being open and honest and crying. Frustrations beyond measure. The irony in my situation is im not even a highly sexual person but we both agreed for our relationship to work and survive we need some form of a sex life.

Except im not sexually attracted to him after a long time of him being selfish in bed and our sex life always riding on my shoulders. And yet im still the one persisting with it. He listens but nothing ever comes of it. Its always "yes i understand" which at this point he must day to just appease me then thats it. Nothing ever amounts from it.

Like you I have had enough and called an ultimatum. I said it was either he actually put effort in and try or I want an open relationship. Ive warned him he risks losing me or potentionally having to share me because why should I be obligated to stay with someone who is offering me a half relationship. Life is too short and there is someone out there who will. I dont mind us breaking up if he wasnt comfortable with the idea of it. I said I needed immediate progress after this being going on for a yr. He said yes he understood.

Guess whats its been two days. Nothing. Nothing will change unless thhe partner actually wants to op doesnt matter how many "talks" you have. Its bloody depressing and it isnt on you to improve the situation nor tolerate it. Dont put your life on hold for someone that doesnt consider your needs enough.

35 seems pretty young to of lost his sex drive. Sounds like he could be doing with going and getting his hormone levels checked, he could have low testosterone. Otherwise how is his mental health?

Id forget about the other guy and an open relationship completely just now. Try get to the bottom of whats changed for your husband first and if there's a medical cause.

Get yourself a womaniser or moana lisa in the meantime to satisfy yourself.

Also op its not down to you to "get to the bottom of his lack of sex drive " that responsibility falls onto him. Otherwise yoy will end up feeling like you are pestering it. You have made it clear you want sex. Its his body. If he feels like his libido is low he needs to get that seen to. If he doesnt then again he doesnt care about your needs or care enough to change the situation.

Lack of action speaks more than words ever could. He is clearly content with it. You are not. Therefore an open relationship or leaving is the only solution.

Sorry op it sucks

So when you got together when you was 18 and he was 30(?) and first got together he had a high sex drive? For how long?

We spoke.

He's said he doesn't want it as much as me and he think the amount we have sex is enough considering his job (long hours) which I get. However he's been in the same job since we met so shouldn't make a difference!

He said he does get anxiety worse since lockdown, I was aware of it but I thought he was in a good headspace since he's been back at work, he's also very stressed about work, again I get it I see how stressed he is, but surly if your wife's at home wanting to take your mind off of it that's perfect!?

I asked if he would talk to someone too see if it helps. He refused, so I told him we have three options, I made it clear that splitting up isn't an option. I couldn't live without him, even if everyone tells me he's terrible, he isn't. Even though sex is extremely important I wouldn't break our family apart over it. So the options were

1- he talks to someone, we see if it helps, or we can go together.
2- he carry's on as he is and I'll live with it. All be it my life would be miserable.
3- we try an open relationship.

I've told him I don't expect him to call a therapist tomorrow, or to let me sleep with someone this weekend. I'm giving him time too think.

@Winnietiggerpiglet

So when you got together when you was 18 and he was 30(?) and first got together he had a high sex drive? For how long?

He was 27/28.

Its only been the last 3ish years.
Nothing to do with us having a child, we had it regularly up until my son was around 2...

An open relationship would mean he could have sex with other people too.

Think carefully about how you would feel if he did, however unlikely you think it would be.

@ChristmasFluff

An open relationship would mean he could have sex with other people too.

Think carefully about how you would feel if he did, however unlikely you think it would be.

He said the same.

I said it would be odd because he doesn't even have sex with me. But honestly I could live it if it means I can finally be fulfilled in the part of my life that's missing.

We're not a jealous couple at all, quite open minded, watch porn together etc. I wouldn't be worried about him leaving me, neither am I worried I'd fall for someone else.

I'm not stupid though, I know there's a small chance it could happen. Id like to think we would stop it before it happens.

I wouldn't want either of us sleeping with the same person more than twice that's for sure.

I'm 51 and still want sex every day same as I always have. So your drive may not die one day, not everyone's does. You're only 25 ? I couldn't live like this but some people can and do.
I'd think if he's not open to having another man have sex with you while he's there he's less likely to want to let you when he's not (based on experience in the kink community). But as you said, often these things stay as fantasy and people never do them.
How would you feel about him seeing other people? As opening the marriage would work both ways surely?

Sorry x post good luck!

You aren’t sexually compatible.

If this was a man posting everyone would rip him a new one.

Quite a risk involving another man in your private life. Sounds messy is it worth it. Sex isn't the be all and end all. Nobody's perfect. Life is hard, it's not easy to find a great partner who you get on with, when you find one hang onto him.Try think of what you have , not what you haven't got.

Like I said if you got some really bad news today for example this worry you have would seem insignificant.

@HeatherShiver

I'm 51 and still want sex every day same as I always have. So your drive may not die one day, not everyone's does. You're only 25 ? I couldn't live like this but some people can and do. I'd think if he's not open to having another man have sex with you while he's there he's less likely to want to let you when he's not (based on experience in the kink community). But as you said, often these things stay as fantasy and people never do them. How would you feel about him seeing other people? As opening the marriage would work both ways surely?

I think he was really open to the threesome. But the planning it, meeting up with a stranger just made him anxious and put him off the idea.

I honestly think I'd be fine with it, as long as we communicate stick to some rules and do it safely I would definitely be ok with it. We can always stop if it doesn't work.

@LargeInCharge

You aren’t sexually compatible.

If this was a man posting everyone would rip him a new one.

Maybe, i wouldn't personally though. We're not you're correct. But I can't throw everything away because of it

@HeatherShiver

I'm 51 and still want sex every day same as I always have. So your drive may not die one day, not everyone's does. You're only 25 ? I couldn't live like this but some people can and do. I'd think if he's not open to having another man have sex with you while he's there he's less likely to want to let you when he's not (based on experience in the kink community). But as you said, often these things stay as fantasy and people never do them. How would you feel about him seeing other people? As opening the marriage would work both ways surely?

Why would he want to watch his beloved having sex with someone else. If your happy to watch your partner with someone else i would say you can't love and respect them very much.quickest way to end a marriage.

@Sportslady44

Quite a risk involving another man in your private life. Sounds messy is it worth it. Sex isn't the be all and end all. Nobody's perfect. Life is hard, it's not easy to find a great partner who you get on with, when you find one hang onto him.Try think of what you have , not what you haven't got.

Like I said if you got some really bad news today for example this worry you have would seem insignificant.

Honestly I appreciate all your comments. I didn't want replays full of people telling me to go for it, cheat etc. I need a reality check.

I have given it lots of thought. I've tried to make things better for the last 2/3years. I want to spend my whole life with him. But I can't go on like this for the rest of time

All the people saying, ' sex isn't that important.' Well, maybe not to you.
But to many people it is absolutely essential to a relationship and to a fulfilling life.
OP, I am 50 and still have a high sex drive, it has actually increased in peri-menopause to be the same as it was in my 20s. You have decades of misery ahead of you.

If your husband goes for option B - status quo and you are miserable then I think that you need to rethink the whole relationship. How could anyone stay with someone knowing it makes them miserable?

As your husband does not seem to have any sexual dysfunction, just a lower sex drive than yours, then I am not sure what seeing a sex therapist will do. You just have different sex drives.

I don't see a good outcome that involves you staying with this man.

@MrsHumphrieswife I came to say the exact same thing. What is important to one isn’t necessarily to another, we really do only have one life and it’s WAY too short to give up something you enjoy. It’s a tricky situation though, so do not know the answer.

@MrsHumphrieswife

All the people saying, ' sex isn't that important.' Well, maybe not to you. But to many people it is absolutely essential to a relationship and to a fulfilling life. OP, I am 50 and still have a high sex drive, it has actually increased in peri-menopause to be the same as it was in my 20s. You have decades of misery ahead of you.

If your husband goes for option B - status quo and you are miserable then I think that you need to rethink the whole relationship. How could anyone stay with someone knowing it makes them miserable?

As your husband does not seem to have any sexual dysfunction, just a lower sex drive than yours, then I am not sure what seeing a sex therapist will do. You just have different sex drives.

I don't see a good outcome that involves you staying with this man.

You're probably right about there being no good outcome. But I'm willing to try anything conventional or not. And pray it works 😕

Your marriage is doomed, you just haven't figured it out yet. Your frustration will soon turn into untenable resentment, and you're fooling yourself if you think you can just be miserable for the next 50 years with no consequences. Think about what having a miserable mother would do to your child. Loving someone is not enough to make a marriage work. Your husband is selfish and is totally disregarding your feelings and needs. Not exactly Husband of the Year.