Sex, marriage, open relationship

[Anonjd3]

Long story ... I've been with my husband for 7 years, we met when I was 18 (worth noting I have experienced other sexual partners). We have a child together and just purchased our first house. I love him so much and I would never consider leaving him, he absolutely perfect in everyway except, sex.

I have a super high sex drive, his is non existent. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month. He rejects me all the time and it hurts, a lot.

Even after 7 years when I see him I just want to jump on him! Its not an attraction issue, I'm not stuck up at all. But I'm know I'm desirable let's say!

Anyway, he brought up the idea of a threesome about a year ago, everytime we spoke about it he got super excited and we had great sex! Then after sex he wouldn't speak of it for few weeks 😬 I signed up to a website to find a partner to join us (with his permission) anyway I spoke to plenty of men and I'm down to one. Because my husbands not in the mood anymore when I ask to arrange a date he just shruggs his shoulders and says not yet. To be honest I give up on the idea it's obviously just the thought that gets him aroused not the actual threesome. But this guy has got me going crazy, I'm not interested in a relationship of course but I really want to sleep with him. I'm very sexually frustrated to the point of crying and not sleeping.

I couldn't cheat as tempting as it is. I can't bare the thought of lying to my husband and the thought of us breaking up kills me. So I'm thinking on asking him for an open relationship. If he doesn't agree what on earth do I do? I cant live my life with minimal sex, I've discussed it sooo many times with him and it's like talking to a wall. I don't know how to broach the subject and I'm scared hell accuse me of cheating when I haven't. Its a point where I'm considering meeting him without his permission I know I wouldn't be able to plan to meet this guy and sneak around, but if he knocked on my door Today I know there's 0 chance I'd resist.

Has anyone ever successfully requested an open relationship? Or any experience similar to mine where you truly deeply love your husband but the sexless aspect is literally killing 😭

You can't fix a damaged marriage by having sex outside the marriage.

You both have to be fully on board and willing.

How would you feel if he agreed to an open marriage then started having loads of sex with other people?

@girlmom21

You can't fix a damaged marriage by having sex outside the marriage.

You both have to be fully on board and willing.

How would you feel if he agreed to an open marriage then started having loads of sex with other people?

If he's not fully on board I won't consider it.

In regards to the last question we will have lots of rules so that neither of us will be uncomfortable. I'd trust him to follow, I know id follow them too. We'd have to if we want it to work

Just curious as to why he was open to a threesome if he doesn't have a sex drive?

It doesn't seem to add up. Is there a chance that he isn't attracted to you and has decided given the family unit he would prefer not to break that up and will survive without sex rather than do that.

Can you even start with addressing the intimacy overall? Are you both affectionate? Do you kiss, cuddle, touch etc.

Have you asked him straight out if he's happy without a sex life for the next 70 years?

I understand your frustration. I would be the exact same as you but as PP already mentioned if someone best this as a man or about a woman, the place would go crazy!

Do you have young children together op? Could this be a factor?

I don't see a rule that works for both of you that stops him going out and having loads of sex and still not having sex with you unless you say he can't sleep with someone else until he's instigated with you 3 times in a month or something silly - and then it's no different to you feeling like it's being forced like before

I cant believe these posts. Yet again another thread where the aoman is meant to stay complacent and tolerate. Do you think a man with a healthy sex drive would stay with a woman who wasnt into sex.

We all read plenty of threads on here whrn the wife is complaining that the husband cheated since they didnt want sex

Why should this be any different

To the pps who is basically saying the op should just shut up and put up and be grateful she is has someone what the hell. There are billions of people in this world and the op is young. This man is not the be all and end all. There are plenty of others out there that could fulfill the ops needs entirely.

Dont feel pressured into staying in a relationship that doesnt make you entirely happy op just to say you are in a "relationship". It completely defeats the object of being in a relationship in the first place

@Tiredandhungry23 it's the OP who said she'd rather stay and be frustrated but with him than leave.

Just curious as to why he was open to a threesome if he doesn't have a sex drive?

He wasn't open to actually having a threesome though. From what OP has said, he enjoyed talking about it in a hypothetical sense but as soon as she tried to instigate meeting up with someone he backed off completely. Also I think it's inaccurate to say he "doesn't have a sex drive", they're having sex 2-3 times a month. He has a low sex drive compared to the OP, who is ten years younger than him. Judging by many threads I've seen on here there are plenty of couples who don't have the energy for more than 2-3 times a month due to juggling work, kids etc. The issue here is that they're mismatched, not necessarily that there's something wrong with her DH.

Sounds like he was probably hoping for a threesome with another woman and suddenly lost interest when you started talking to men to join you!

Your husband is selfish and is totally disregarding your feelings and needs.

I cannot imagine a man posting on here and being told that his wife is "selfish" because she only has sex with him 2-3 times a month.

If you met another man , to satisfy your urgent need for sexual satisfaction, and it didn't turn out to be the best satisfaction, as people don't always click in this way,, would you then be trying to find others, until you found the best of the best men..

Trying to be diplomatic here, can you make time for yourself in order to release the sexual tension you feel? I'm talking about long bubble bath, sensual oils,candles, wine...anything you would normally do in preparation for a romantic/passionate date ?I'm not saying you have to buy yourself a B.o.b (battery operated boyfriend) although....don't knock it til you have tried it...but you know your own body better than anyone else and self satisfaction would, to me anyway sound a safer , more reasonable solution than either an open marriage or having an FWB. Maybe it would take some pressure off your partner too...and he does seem to enjoy using his imagination ?

Nobody died from lack of sex no matter how frustrating it is. There are worse things to live with.

I wouldn't voluntarily go without sex to keep a relationship. Sex is the main (in my case virtually only) reason for being in relationship. A relationship without sex is like a restaurant meal that doesn't include food, it defeats the whole purpose of the thing.

The problem is that you won't leave him.

It sounds like you are trying to justify cheating on him.

I do think he's probably gay if he is turned on by the thought of sex with another man.

@WallaceinAnderland

The problem is that you won't leave him.

It sounds like you are trying to justify cheating on him.

I do think he's probably gay if he is turned on by the thought of sex with another man.

He's not turned on by the idea of sex with another man. He said the man would have to be straight and only touch OP.

He went completely off the idea when she said she wouldn't have a threesome with another woman.

The thing that stands out to me is that he was excited about the idea of a threesome when you discussed it, with the third being a man.

My XH left me after 19 years together to come out as gay. I would have said that we had a good/regular sex life, though sex was less frequent after children. I subsequently found out that he had been regularly watching gay porn since after DC1 was born. It seems like it was only after he got the wife, house and baby that he started to realise that there was something else missing and he was obviously watching porn instead of having sex with me. It took him another ten years to tell me he was bisexual and then less than another year to end the marriage because he realised he was just gay.

I know you've already said that you don't think he's bisexual, but I wouldn't completely dismiss it as a possibility. One of the common themes I see mentioned by people with previously closeted gay exes is how different the physical side of things is when they go on to have a new relationship with a straight partner.

Whatever the reason for your H's issues, you are feeling hurt and rejected. Having spent almost two decades in what I thought was a good relationship, I now look back and realise that there was a lack of affection and lots of rejection in different forms. I would now never go back to a 'good' relationship like that again where the 'good' was just that we were great friends, had he same goals etc. Sex is not everything, but it feels completely different to be in a relationship with someone who truly desires me and is able to express their love and affection. Constant rejection really wears you down and is no way to live. It's causing you significant distress and you need to address it.

I would just be prepared for things to get more difficult before they get better, because if you insist on addressing it rather than ignoring it, you might hear some very painful things, whatever they are.

You're 25 with a man ten years older than you who already doesn't want to have sex with you.

Either you leave him or you're going to have a looooooong life of unfulfilling sex.

I mean, it's your life, but you know in your heart of hearts your husband will consider an open relationship cheating, and you also know in your heart of hearts that at some point you're going to cheat or leave. My vote is cheat as you're already halfway there.

He's not turned on by the idea of sex with another man. He said the man would have to be straight and only touch OP

I dunno, lots of gay men are careful about trying to hide their attraction to other men. This is as close as he can get. My friend went through lots of stuff like this before her husband left her for a man. He vehemently denied being gay right up until the day he moved in with him.

Vibrator? Would you consider using that instead during the times you want it but he doesn't?

Op you're coming across as a sex pest. How many threads do we see on here from women where the man is constantly pestering for sex and how many answer with the line that its unattractive maybe he's feeling the pressure and he might not be as attracted to you as you think he is because of it.

I don't really get your aibu. There's no point asking people here how their open relationships worked because they aren't you or married to your husband. Only you know whether he would agree to it or not and whether your relationship would eventually fail because of it.

I don't want to sound nasty, but it bothers me that a man almost 30 would go for an 18 year old. I know 18 is an adult, but barely... and still a teenager at that age. There is a massive power imbalance between those ages. Now you are 25 there isn't really much of a power imbalance anymore. It does make me wonder if the sex issues are related to that?

To be honest I feel exactly like you do, I have exactly the same issue. It’s soul destroying but so is the alternative of leaving.

I have a good supply of sex toys and occasional flings. Its extremely unlikely one man will completely fulfil everything you need anyway.

I think you have to accept your marriage as it is or leave. To consider an open relationship to give you what is missing will end in tears. (happened to a friend of mine, they ended up divorcing, it was heartbreaking as they are still the best of mates and have a lot of regrets and wish they could turn back the clock).

No relationship is perfect or has everything. If your husband fulfilled every need but didn't bring enough money in you wouldn't add another husband in to top up your bank account. That's basically what your saying you'll do with your sex life.

My husband and I have always had a great sex life, it's slowed as we've got older and then he had two strokes in September and we've not had sex since. Do I is it - yes, absolutely but I'd miss him more if he wasn't here.

Please think really really carefully before you throw away what sounds like a great relationship. I suspect stress is a huge factor for your husband and it's affecting him more than he wants to admit.

Good luck x

Op...you are young. Stop wasting your best years on a man who doesn't want sex. I can assure you there are plenty of men out there who are more than happy to have sex...there are also plenty of men who will be just as nice as your current dh.

I will tell you one thing about your dh...you will NEVER change him.