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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to next door about their crying toddler at night

371 replies

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 05:44

We live in a mid terrace. Our ndn are on the end and they have the end bedroom, their toddler is in the room that backs on to our bedroom, I am assuming his bed is against our wall IYSWIM.

He goes through phases of waking in the night and crying. I have a child of the same age so I get it. It does wake me up every single time. Doesn't always wake DH.
The difficulty is that I think they let him cry it out rather than go in to him. For the 5th night in a row I've been woken up and listened to crying for 20 minutes and now I can't get back to sleep.
I can't confirm that they do let him CIO, I'm just basing it on the fact he continues to cry and gets louder before stopping after a while.

I don't want to use ear plugs because I don't want to risk not hearing my own child.

Should I say something? It seems like a really unreasonable thing to bring up because kids cry at the end of the day and it's not like we live in a dettached house. But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 09/03/2022 09:15

@Doodledoo

Just for reference we have never let our toddler cry it out - ever. Sometimes when she wakes she’s inconsolable due to (suspected) night terrors - she cries for about 15 minutes before calming down and thats with me holding her and trying all the tricks In the book to calm down. Could just be the same as that, and I’m not sure what you’d expect them to do if so…
if its that, it would be good to know that theyre trying to soothe her, or maybe they could take her downstairs so it wasnt next to peoples bedrooms
BoodleBug51 · 09/03/2022 09:17

Leaving a crying child in a room against a party wall is arsehole level entitled behaviour. When we lived in a semi, and ours woke up at night, I'd go down to the living room and sleep on the sofa so our NDN's didn't get disturbed. It was bad enough we had sleepless nights let alone waking up the house next door. You can't always stop a child from crying but you can make an effort to stop it impacting on others.

You are entitled to sleep OP.

Bonheurdupasse · 09/03/2022 09:19

@TyrannosaurusRegina

Put music on against the wall each and every time it happens. If they ask what's going on, just say you're trying to drown out the noise. I had to genuinely do this because of a noisy neighbour, it was less irritating listening to my music than their bawling and shouting.
This OP
HVC164 · 09/03/2022 09:19

Hi OP, I can see you’re getting a bit of a hammering on here! I just wanted to say, if it matters, I’d feel the same as you and after such sleep deprivation would also feel desperate enough to want to speak to them. I can’t say whether it’s a good idea or not (seeing as you may get the kind of response you’ve received on here) but I sympathise, especially as you have a health issue. I get that there’s an extra level of frustration if you’re wondering whether they are just letting their child cry it out, when it’s having such a negative effect on your ability to sleep. My instinct would also be to start a conversation about your children and see if it comes up, or can be brought up in a non-confrontational way (and maybe you can offer some advice parent-to-parent). Alternatively, absolutely agree that you should put those earplugs in and let your husband do the night wakings for your child.

Regardless, I hope you manage to get some sleep soon and this phase passes!

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 09:19

I’d assume having your own toddler would have given you more empathy.
What do you think it’s like for the parents?

Probably the same as it is for me. But he isn't my child so there's nothing I can do about it, I can just wonder what is going on. That's where my train of thought regarding speaking to them was going, just a polite chat, not a "shut your child up in the night" conversation because kids wake and kids cry. As I've said, I'm not going to say anything.

OP posts:
ronjobbins · 09/03/2022 09:19

@clarkkentsglasses

People like you are one of the reasons my PND got worse. The judgement. You have NO IDEA what is going on. Selfish.
You can see the irony of your post can’t you?
Branleuse · 09/03/2022 09:20

also they could put foam or something on the adjoining walls. Attempt soundproofing. Especially if this has been going on a while

starfishmummy · 09/03/2022 09:20

@molifly15

My son has night terrors which are awful. I am often sat rocking him in my eyes soothing him and he has no idea and continues to scream 'I want my mummy' as he's in the middle of a terror. I'm sure from a neighbours perspective it probably sounds like I am ignoring him. You have no idea if they are going to him or not.
I was thinking the same. Nothing we could do for our son would help until he actually woke up properly. Fortunately it was a short lived phase.
PatientlyWaiting21 · 09/03/2022 09:21

What exactly is it you would like them to do? Suck it up and get used to noise.

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 09:21

Leaving a crying child in a room against a party wall is arsehole level entitled behaviour. When we lived in a semi, and ours woke up at night, I'd go down to the living room and sleep on the sofa so our NDN's didn't get disturbed. It was bad enough we had sleepless nights let alone waking up the house next door. You can't always stop a child from crying but you can make an effort to stop it impacting on others.

I agree with this. I'll get more stick for saying it but when people say "what do you think it's like for the parents" - it must be crap, but they're their children, not other people's, so people shouldn't have to share the burden of not being able to sleep. Not being able to sleep is really tough but it's even more frustrating when it isn't because of your own household.

OP posts:
axolotlfloof · 09/03/2022 09:22

YANBU OP, discuss it with them calmly and see if there is a solution.

FantasticFebruary · 09/03/2022 09:23

@clarkkentsglasses

People like you are one of the reasons my PND got worse. The judgement. You have NO IDEA what is going on. Selfish.
It is not selfish to want to get some sleep.

It is selfish to have a toddler waking the neighbours when you have options! They could put him in the outside room instead of the room backing onto the OP

PetalLeaves · 09/03/2022 09:23

I think everyone is being unfair to OP. OP YANBU. I also had neighbours who would let their child cry it out and have their windows open. It woke me up almost every night for a month. It drove me mad. Having a child does not mean you stop being considerate of others and i’d be going bonkers if i was in your shoes. Even if they can’t help the situation, it would be polite of them to at least say something to you.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 09:23

I'm not convinced that taking an unsettled child out of their warm bed and downstairs is going to help them settle again easily.

As an aside:
We had a newborn baby in our bedroom in a semi and the neighbour didn't even realise we'd had a baby for the first couple of weeks. It was only because she saw me out with the pram that she realised. In many houses noise doesn't travel that easily, even if you're in a bed on an adjoining wall.
When she said she was surprised I said "oh thank god, we haven't been disturbing you then?" and she said that they never hear any noise from us.

Weirdly, there's another two semis on the estate which are rented and one of the neighbours is moving out because the neighbours are too noisy apparently.

People must have very different noise tolerance levels. If this is a struggle for you, maybe a terrace isn't the best option.

EeeICouldRipATissue · 09/03/2022 09:24

YABVU.
I've been that mum with a toddler doing just that.
Dickhead neighbours coming round to complain or banging on the wall makes a stressful time you're feeling shit even worse Sad
Oh and Biscuit

Painiscrap · 09/03/2022 09:24

@afizzysweet

I don’t know if I'm missing a trick. Is possibly not hearing my own child crying/waking through use of white noise and ear plugs (DH is a very heavy sleeper) genuinely a good option? This is a genuine question, I'm not being sarcastic. There's no way I'm sleeping elsewhere in the house. As I've mentioned, I have a health condition that is quite painful so getting to sleep is hard anyway. I cannot sleep on the sofa, I will break myself. I don't have a spare room.
Hi OP, I know you have said you won’t sleep on a Sofa, but how about getting a reclining chair? I’m not being sarcastic, just genuinely suggesting this as a possibility, because it works for me.

I haven’t got young children, but I am disabled and really struggle with pain (on daily morphine, gabapentin etc). Sometimes my pain is so bad I literally can’t make it upstairs at night, so I got a recliner chair, and that’s where I sleep 2-3 nights a week! In fact, I honestly think that my chair is more comfortable than my bed, and my bed is a multi position bed (adjustable along same lines as a hospital bed)! Just a suggestion!

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 09:24

My DS has asd. As a toddler, like many toddlers, he didn’t sleep well. I’d always go to him when he woke up, I’d rock him and soothe him, but he would cry louder and louder for quite some time. My neighbours used to yell through the wall “shut that f*ing brat up”. It didn’t help anything, just made me more tense which probably prolonged his crying.

I'm sorry you had a tough time with your son at night, it must have been really hard with neighbours taking that approach. If I was to say anything (which I've said I won't), it would definitely be more of a whilst we were talking over the garden fence sort of thing: "how is little Bobby doing anyway, he's grown up loads since the last time I saw him out playing! Is he still sleeping alright now that he is at the age of back teeth coming in? It sounds like you might have had a couple of rocky nights, I hope you're all ok"

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 09/03/2022 09:25

@JellybeansJelly

Wait, so you want them to move rooms to suit you, but you’re not willing to move rooms yourself?
@JellybeansJelly - she cannot move rooms - she doesn't have a spare room!

I've noticed (friend had similar issue) that in walls with a party wall and a larger house people are less likely to want to move a baby's room (the baby doesn't care where it sleeps!) to minimise disruption. Controlled crying can be a PITA in this sense because it can be selfish to others who have to work, commute etc and need their sleep. My DM had this before she moved (to a detached house!) in her terraced house there was a couple who had a baby who was always ill, up all night crying. DM has rheumatoid arthritis so needs her sleep. Eventually they did something about it but they had a huge house with huge converted attic so plenty of room to move the baby to.

RachaelN · 09/03/2022 09:26

It will only last a few weeks probably. How do you think they are coping with it. Probably stressed and tired and this might be their best solution for the toddler.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 09:26

@Gonnagetgoing I think they're suggesting OP and the toddler switch rooms

FantasticFebruary · 09/03/2022 09:29

@Lovemusic33

So you expecting them to rearrange their home so the child sleeps at the other end of the house so you don’t have to hear the baby/toddler crying for 20 minutes? I don’t think this will end well how ever nice you are about it 😬, why can’t you move where you sleep?

I know it must be annoying but I don’t think it’s worth falling out with the neighbours about. Hopefully the toddler will grow out of it soon and start sleeping all night.

It's a terraced house, they wouldn't be putting the baby in the west wing if Buckingham palace!

It's MUCH easier to put a toddler bed in another room than a double bed.

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 09:29

It will only last a few weeks probably. How do you think they are coping with it. Probably stressed and tired and this might be their best solution for the toddler.

It's been going on for months, in phases. So a week of night waking, then nothing for few days up to a week, then another week, etc. A little while ago DH and I got to the stage of going "omg, Bobby next door slept through!!" like you would do when your own child sleeps through for the first time.

OP posts:
Peaplant20 · 09/03/2022 09:31

Ummmmm you are being very unreasonable!! I’m sure if they could find a way to stop their baby crying faster they would do it unless you think they enjoy listening to them cry? I would imagine they DON’T do CIO because if they did it probably would have got better by now? When my baby cries when I’m getting her to sleep sometimes she cries for that long and that’s when I’m rocking and soothing her. Some babies cry and toddlers cry alot i’m afraid that’s a downfall of you living in a terrace.

Hexagonmum · 09/03/2022 09:32

Sleep in a different room and stop being so petty

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 09:33

Sleep in a different room and stop being so petty

Ok I'll sleep in my garden x

I don't have a spare room!

OP posts:
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