Page 8 | To say something to next door about their crying toddler at night

afizzysweet · 2022-03-09T05:44:04+00:00

We live in a mid terrace. Our ndn are on the end and they have the end bedroom, their toddler is in the room that backs on to our bedroom, I am assuming his bed is against our wall IYSWIM. He goes through phases of waking in the night and crying. I have a child of the same age so I get it. It does wake me up every single time. Doesn't always wake DH. The difficulty is that I think they let him cry it out rather than go in to him. For the 5th night in a row I've been woken up and listened to crying for 20 minutes and now I can't get back to sleep. I can't confirm that they do let him CIO, I'm just basing it on the fact he continues to cry and gets louder before stopping after a while. I don't want to use ear plugs because I don't want to risk not hearing my own child. Should I say something? It seems like a really unreasonable thing to bring up because kids cry at the end of the day and it's not like we live in a dettached house. But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/03/2022 08:53

I really don't get why the OP is having a hard time on this thread. She's done nothing wrong! Yes, living next door to a screaming toddler who wakes you multiple times a night is awful, let alone with serious pain and fatigue thrown into the mix. Why on earth should the OP have to move her house around, it isn't her child who is keeping the neighbours awake.

YADNBU.

BlueFlavour · 09/03/2022 08:54

@afizzysweet

A chat about it wouldn't make your sleep any better or your pain any better or your fatigue any better. How would it help other than give you the opportunity for a moan?

I'd know that they were actually in there with their child trying to settle him rather than me doing what I currently do, which is sit there going "are they in there with him? I can usually hear parents talking in that room and I can't, will somebody just f**ing well go in to him?".

So they are not going in to comfort him? Not great. I would definitely go and have a chat to them. I feel for you and the toddler, and the parents if they aren’t managing the situation. Difficult all round. I hope you get a resolution.

Amichelle84 · 09/03/2022 08:56

I'd laugh in your face if you came to me and complained.

Leave them alone and get some ear plugs.

Delatron · 09/03/2022 08:56

I use ear plugs and I could still hear a loud noise. They just take the edge of the husband’s snoring.

Agree husband needs to step up too and listen out for your toddler.

Delatron · 09/03/2022 08:56

Off

BeanyBops · 09/03/2022 08:57

No parent enjoys their kid waking up and crying at night, they are just as aware as you are. They are doing their best and CIO works for some families. Theyre not going to change how they parent to suit the neighbors, nor should they. This is part of what you sign up for when you live in a terrace I'm afraid (I also have a toddler and live in a terrace).

AllTheWeetabix · 09/03/2022 09:00

So it’s okay for your child to wake in the night but not others?

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 09:00

So it’s okay for your child to wake in the night but not others?

Have you read the thread?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 09:00

@afizzysweet

A chat about it wouldn't make your sleep any better or your pain any better or your fatigue any better. How would it help other than give you the opportunity for a moan?

I'd know that they were actually in there with their child trying to settle him rather than me doing what I currently do, which is sit there going "are they in there with him? I can usually hear parents talking in that room and I can't, will somebody just f**ing well go in to him?".

So what if they say they're not going into him because he wakes to play or whatever and if they go into him he's getting what he wants?

Will you feel better then?

Mariposista · 09/03/2022 09:02

@afizzysweet

People like you are one of the reasons my PND got worse. The judgement. You have NO IDEA what is going on. Selfish.

Yes, the neighbour who has not said a word to them about this is selfish. You are right.

There's a reason I've come to AIBU first. I'm sleep deprived and shattered because of a health condition and have that leaves me fatigued anyway, without broken sleep (and not being able able get back to sleep after).

I don’t think you are selfish! You have your own family to deal with and have ti be up for work the next day - perfectly reasonable to want to get some sleep! They need to try proper methods, a night light, dummy, whatever! The kid isn’t a newborn baby. Perhaps a firm ‘it’s nighttime’ wouldn’t go amiss neither, or a reward chart for good behaviour at night.

Littlegoth · 09/03/2022 09:05

@Shodan

No not just one night. Just the latest night in 18 months. Good nights, bad nights. Child is under 3 specialists for different ailments, and a particularly bad week recently I had to wake him every 2 hours to give him medicine so we didn’t end up back in hospital. There was a lot of noise from him on those nights.

I get on brilliantly with my neighbours, but they don’t have a clue what we are dealing with in here.

Maybe I am projecting, or maybe I’m being sympathetic to the parents having been on the side of a child who can’t sleep for whatever reason.

justmaybenot · 09/03/2022 09:05

I think there's no harm in having a quick chat - doesn't have to be a complaint, you could just say that you don't want to embarrass them but their child's crying is waking you up a lot, and you'd really appreciate it if they could do something about it. Maybe they could move his bed for example, or put more effort into getting him to go back to sleep. Who knows? You won't know until you try and as long as you're friendly and polite I don't see what the problem is.

Hiddenvoice · 09/03/2022 09:05

I wouldn’t suggest talking to them. I grew up in a middle terrace. One of my siblings had night terrors and jr was horrible. My parents were really supportive. Our neighbour politely stopped by to discuss it which made my mum feel awful. My parents were doing everything they could and the neighbour then sent a letter which was just horrible.
As a family we hated living there because we felt judged for being *too loud.

If it was me I would leave it for now and move my room around so I could try block the noise with some furniture.
I know it’s not a magic solution but I’d give it a go.

Littlegoth · 09/03/2022 09:06

It’s also none of their business

Beees · 09/03/2022 09:07

They need to try proper methods, a night light, dummy, whatever! The kid isn’t a newborn baby. Perhaps a firm ‘it’s nighttime’ wouldn’t go amiss neither, or a reward chart for good behaviour at night.

Isn't the whole point most if us are trying to make that we have no idea what strategies they re trying. I'm sure they know their child is disturbing their neighbours and it's much more likely they are trying to resolve the issue than leaving their kid to cry so when they respond they have tried everything the conversation will make absolutely naff all difference.

Also OP you husband needs to seek more medical attention if missing a few hours sleep is still an issue. He needs to take ownership of his issues.

MiddleParking · 09/03/2022 09:07

@justmaybenot

I think there's no harm in having a quick chat - doesn't have to be a complaint, you could just say that you don't want to embarrass them but their child's crying is waking you up a lot, and you'd really appreciate it if they could do something about it. Maybe they could move his bed for example, or put more effort into getting him to go back to sleep. Who knows? You won't know until you try and as long as you're friendly and polite I don't see what the problem is.

That is a complaint, it will embarrass them (and most likely anger them), it’s not friendly or polite and there is harm in it.

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 09:07

Thank-you for all of your replies on this thread. I'm not going to say anything to my neighbours, I hope it stops soon. In the mean time I am going to try ear plugs and a vibrating baby monitor as suggested. I'm not sure that I can rearrange my bedroom because it's a weird shape and furniture won't really fit anywhere else, but I can try.

OP posts:

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 09:09

Also OP you husband needs to seek more medical attention if missing a few hours sleep is still an issue. He needs to take ownership of his issues.

He has been back to the doctors but because of a covid backlog they have said that there isn't much that can be done at the moment and told him to take iron supplements.

OP posts:

Doodledoo · 09/03/2022 09:10

Just for reference we have never let our toddler cry it out - ever. Sometimes when she wakes she’s inconsolable due to (suspected) night terrors - she cries for about 15 minutes before calming down and thats with me holding her and trying all the tricks In the book to calm down. Could just be the same as that, and I’m not sure what you’d expect them to do if so…

ChaosMoon · 09/03/2022 09:11

OP I live in a terrace with a nearly 3 year old and occasionally noisy neighbours / noisy people in the street outside. I use white noise religiously and I still hear my daughter. I used the baby monitor as well at first, but now I find I don't need it and I still hear her, but then my walls night be thinner than yours.

Good luck.

Aswad · 09/03/2022 09:13

I’d assume having your own toddler would have given you more empathy.
What do you think it’s like for the parents?

Reluctantadult · 09/03/2022 09:13

This thread is mad. I can't understand why a chat with the neighbour to see what's going on isn't the first thing people would do.

Branleuse · 09/03/2022 09:13

@BeanyBops

No parent enjoys their kid waking up and crying at night, they are just as aware as you are. They are doing their best and CIO works for some families. Theyre not going to change how they parent to suit the neighbors, nor should they. This is part of what you sign up for when you live in a terrace I'm afraid (I also have a toddler and live in a terrace).

really? Cry it out is clearly not a suitable strategy for someone that lives in close proximity to others. Its not even a kind strategy when noone else is disturbed by it, because a child is learning that noone will come to them if they need them in the night, when actually the chances are, what the child needs is to be with somebody when its scared and tired and its dark. Possibly even in pain with toothache. If youre actually upsetting your neighbours sleep because of it too, then thats a double whammy of selfishness. If your child cries in the night, you should soothe them. Obviously its not going to always be possible to stop them crying quickly, but you have to make an effort even if youre tired of it, because otherwise its hideous for the child and hideous for the neighbours and you are the only ones who have any control over the situation.

If you let them know nicely that you can hear them, then maybe theyll start going in a bit sooner or take the kid into their room with them.

Yes I do have kids and have plenty of experience of kids that cry and scream. I also have plenty of experience of having close neighbours and im not actually particularly fussy about neighbour noises in general, but if someone was waking me up all night long, that is a massive trigger for me for mental health

FantasticFebruary · 09/03/2022 09:14

@DorotheaHomeAlone

Wtf do you expect them to do? How do you think pointing out their kid wakes and cries at night is going to help. They can obviously hear him. We’re in the same boat as your neighbour and you complaining would just stress me out further and make me like you less.

They can move his bed off the adjoining wall, they could possibly move him to another room. THEY could get up to him...

Crying is inevitable, being left for 20 minutes is not.

DaffodilDandilion · 09/03/2022 09:15

My DS has asd. As a toddler, like many toddlers, he didn’t sleep well. I’d always go to him when he woke up, I’d rock him and soothe him, but he would cry louder and louder for quite some time. My neighbours used to yell through the wall “shut that f*ing brat up”. It didn’t help anything, just made me more tense which probably prolonged his crying.