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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Let me know the good things about being single please

126 replies

Robinred81 · 08/03/2022 19:54

I’ve recently come out of a marriage and am trying to get my head around being single. Please tell me what you enjoy about it.
So far the only thing I can come up with is not having to share a bed

OP posts:

Thread gallery

TirisfalPumpkin · 10/03/2022 09:13

I feel that many of the benefits of being in a relationship (companionship, touch, laughs) can be gained from solid female friendships. My ex isolated me so I did feel lonely and touch-starved at first, but now I've spent some time working on my social life and getting hobbies, I don't feel the need to have a partner any more. Sex, eh, available if you want it - esp if you're straight, the supply-and-demand economics are in your favour, you don't need to enter a conjoined living-and-finances arrangement to get it.

The interrailing and Maldives sun-lounging sound fab. My bucket list travel item is to cross the Atlantic on the QMII, and possibly have an ill-advised ocean liner romance - or at least eat well, wear formalwear for dinner and enjoy being off comms for a few days (and end up in NYC at the end of it!)

stuckdownahole · 10/03/2022 09:27

@thereisonlyoneofme

If the boot was on the other foot, I wonder what men would say !

I'm only one of them, but I would say that being single means that I don't have to deal with emotional neediness. After over 20 years of text messages being a thing I still don't understand why people can't wait for a conversation until I've finished my working day and am therefore able to give them my full attention.

It seems from the other replies that men are more physically needy and don't really know how to look after themselves properly. I see this in my dad but he's a pensioner; I assumed society had changed.

Bellalastrasse · 10/03/2022 13:37

@TirisfalPumpkin

feel that many of the benefits of being in a relationship (companionship, touch, laughs) can be gained from solid female friendships.

I agree completely. I think this is a real benefit we have - the closeness of female friendships and family ties can be more than enough. It gives a safe, secure place for women and that is often enough.

SpiderLegs234 · 10/03/2022 13:52

Freedom!!!

Traumdeuter · 10/03/2022 15:02

I’m so envious.

A lovely bedroom with no junk in it
No loud, inane television
Surfaces wiped down with no crumbs or mess

I love living by myself, and hate sharing space.

Thirkettle · 10/03/2022 15:14

Literally doing whatever you want with your own life without a sulking man following you around telling you it's rubbish, it's boring, and why aren't you paying attention to him?

pointythings · 10/03/2022 15:20

So many things!

But after 4 years the biggest 3 for me are

Incredible and better than ever bond with the kids (their dad was an alcoholic and very damaging to all of us)
Cats (I have 4)
Nobody asking 'what's for dinner?'

Bellalastrasse · 10/03/2022 15:40

Cats! I’m so jealous 🙂

hilariousnamehere · 11/03/2022 03:27

Not just any old cats... Cosy cats snoozing on the kitchen table and no one making disapproving noises, and look at the face I wake up to now

Let me know the good things about being single please

Bellalastrasse · 11/03/2022 09:22

@hilariousnamehere

Oh lovely. I envy you. I miss a cat more than anything else, I think. And watching a cat sleeping has to be the most relaxing thing in the world.

Be more cat, I say :-)

KimCheese · 11/03/2022 09:31

That's it, I'm getting an additional cat when I finally move into my new place!

pointythings · 11/03/2022 09:58

One of my new boys is currently sleeping on the table while I'm at the laptop. The others are marauding around. I love them even when they're trying to dry my legs with their fur after I shower.

Bellalastrasse · 11/03/2022 14:54

@pointythings

You’ve given the one in the middle a taste for something. He’s licking his lips and there’s a glint of mischief in those eyes🙂

Bring on the cats, single ladies. 🤣

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 11/03/2022 15:16

Cats are the best!

pointythings · 11/03/2022 15:39

Bellalastrasse that one is my girl, she's the one from a feral colony and given the choice she's rather catch a pigeon than eat cat food. She disappeared for a fortnight last summer and we found remains.

She is also a very nice cat - reserved, but likes a pet every now and then.

NobblyBob · 11/03/2022 15:40

Having a cosy space, full of things you've picked, and knowing it'll be exactly how you left it when you get home! Wine, books and silence if you want it in the evening. Good sleep. Time and space in your life for activities that make you happy. I've been single and lived alone for 10 years, it's heaven.

Bellalastrasse · 11/03/2022 15:50

I love going back to my own space after being out. It’s so quiet and peaceful (just needs a cat!)

It’s a lovely feeling, having your own space and just not having to arrange things to suit others. If I leave something in a place, it stays there. If I want to move things, I can.

pointythings · 11/03/2022 20:22

@Bellalastrasse

I love going back to my own space after being out. It’s so quiet and peaceful (just needs a cat!)

It’s a lovely feeling, having your own space and just not having to arrange things to suit others. If I leave something in a place, it stays there. If I want to move things, I can.

Yes, very much this. Especially now all the kids are at uni. The sense of having a place that is mine and where I don't have to consider anyone's wants (except the cats') is priceless.

Original poster

Robinred81 · 13/03/2022 14:18

Definitely going to get a cat as he was allergic to them 😒

OP posts:

BrightonBunny · 13/03/2022 14:27

No dealing with anyone else's shitty toxic family members was a HUGE bonus

Wedonttalkaboutrats · 13/03/2022 21:22

Whenever my DH goes away, which is sadly very infrequently, the house is tidy, the kids are happy, everyone eats more healthily, the bedroom smells fine in the morning, I am so organised.
Although I get that being single is very different emotionally from just a DP going away for a few days, I imagine the above benefits would still be relevant! I hope you adjust quickly OP and find lots of enjoyment.

HoldenCaulfieldismyhomeboy · 13/03/2022 23:44

Omg OP, it's brilliant!! Been single 5 years and don't plan on ever not being single. I'm away from a very toxic, abusive relationship and his awful family. I was a horrible person myself in the end as I was so desperately unhappy.
I love not having to answer to anyone. I do what I like when I like. I am not prepared anymore to compromise. I love having the bed to myself, knowing the kitchen will be how I left it when I get home. I know where my money is going and not worrying its being drunk away. I love how much more independent I have got and how much my confidence has grown. I stayed for as long as I did partly because I didn't think I could do it alone! Ha! I already was anyway, I just didn't realise it. I did everything and was filled with such resent because of it. Now I still do everything but because its just me and that's my choice I am happy. Honestly, apart from having my children, leaving him and being single is the best thing I've ever done. You will see for yourself soon enough!

Original poster

Robinred81 · 16/03/2022 11:48

How did you all cope with the first few weeks of being single? I’m glad the relationship is over as he was clearly a complete narcissist but it’s such a massive shock to the system to not have him around when we spent every day together for years. Is it just a case of trying to keep busy and over time I’ll feel less sad about what’s happened?

OP posts:

VampireMoney · 16/03/2022 12:05

@Robinred81 my situation was slightly different, as he wouldn't leave so I packed up my kids and left him while he was at work (he was v. abusive), so we literally had our clothing and a few belongings in black bags and left our home behind. So the first few weeks were very stressful. We crammed into my parents box room until I could find us some accommodation, all the while fielding his continued post-relationship abuse. Youngest had just turned 3, older ones 11 and 14. The first few weeks were a nightmare.

I won't bore you with all the rest but basically I was back to starting from scratch with no furniture etc so the first 6 months in our own home away from ex was a blur of house clearance sales and charity shop finds. But the sense of relief and joy honestly made every step of the way worth it. That's 8 years ago now. Ex still abuses from afar if he can, he's flaky with visitation and has never paid a penny in child support but it is what it is. I'd never live with another man now, not even when youngest has grown up and moved out. I value my independence and peace of mind over having a partner.

pointythings · 16/03/2022 13:13

@Robinred81 I totally get where you're coming from - I spent quite a lot of time in shock too, especially since mine was removed from the house after threats to kill me. The relief was enormous, but the shock was still there. And the 4 days in my washing machine died, which really brought home the financial impact.

I still got used to it and never had any regrets. I'm glad you're out of the relationship.

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