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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can't invite yourself to someone's house?!

150 replies

SpicyTuna · 08/03/2022 15:52

So a bit of a backstory (pls bear with me). My partner and I have been friends with this couple for almost 6 years now but they've now moved to another country. Almost 2 years ago, we visited that country but we didn't stay with them, so we just met for a nice lunch and at the end we were saying good-bye and I said it would be nice to meet again and that they were welcome anytime if they happened to be in the UK.

Fast forward to January this year, my friend messages me out of nowhere saying that they've bought flight tickets to come to the UK and gives me the dates. I find this odd, as she gives me details of flight times and everything so I braced myself and asked, where were they going to stay. She says, "With you, I hope it's not a problem". Bear in mind my friend is coming for TEN DAYS with her partner and 2 toddlers. Neither her nor her husband discussed any of these plans with us beforehand.

I asked my partner if he knew anything about this and he said he hasn't spoken with either one of them in months. We are both so surprised because they've never done anything like this (That I know of) and even if out of politeness I said they could visit us anytime, I'd still expect a heads up, especially because it's not just coming around for tea, it's hosting a family day and night.

They really are nice people but I don't know what to do.

Should I host them because it is my fault for welcoming them "Anytime" 2 years ago?
or
Should I ask them to find other accommodation for their trip?

OP posts:
Ellopet · 08/03/2022 20:21

Crikey, I'd say sorry those dates don't work but we are free Sat and Sun etc if you fancied hosting them at all, albeit shorter. Definitely wouldn't allow people to impose on me like that unless they were excellent friends. Even then, of course there should be lots of contact to arrange beforehand How rude and imposing.

Ellopet · 08/03/2022 20:24

@SpicyTuna

I should've included this before (Sorry not a frequent poster)...I did reply to her and said we could accommodate them but that I was surprised they even had tickets because we had no idea they even had plans to visit us.

I guess I'm now regretting this decision and realize that it's probably a bit late to ask them to find somewhere else to stay.

Just explain that some family member or issue has arisen and you cannot host. You don't need to explain the reason, if they ask just say its personal and not your explanation to give so you'd rather maintain their confidentiality etc blah blah. Do not host our of politeness. They have not been polite. Booking tickets before checking with you is absurd!
MermaidEyes · 08/03/2022 20:28

@Somethingsnappy

Well, I personally think that they are CF to book flights before checking with you, and then presuming they can stay for 10 whole days. So although you've agreed to it, and would be somewhat unreasonable to cancel now, the question is, how much does that matter? How much do you value their CF friendship? You could just be really honest. Tell them you were taken aback and agreed, but now you aren't comfortable with the setup. You'll lose their friendship, but....

This. No decent friends make decisions like this without even consulting you first and checking you'll actually be around and available! Not a friendship I'd be too bothered in keeping tbh.

MeridasMum · 08/03/2022 20:32

Like others have said OP, I think this is on you for not standing up for yourself earlier, however, I really feel for you.

I think you have to consider if these are life long friends that you want to invest this time and effort in. If they are, you have to suck it up. If they are not, cancel. You could say something like:

Hi friend,
When you first informed me of your intention to use our home as your holiday accommodation, I was shocked into silence and really didn't know how to respond. I am still aghast that you made this arrangement without agreeing with DH or me. Since that discussion, I've had many sleepless nights worrying about this - the thought of hosting 4 people, no matter who, for 10 days, quite simply fills me with dread. With work commitments, add various other life stresses here etc, our home is really our sanctuary and I honestly don't think our friendship or my sanity will survive.
I'm afraid I must insist you make alternative arrangements as it won't be possible to stay with us.
I can imagine you feel let down, as did I when you put this upon me, however , I feel I must be honest now
From you

DivorcedAndDelighted · 08/03/2022 20:33

Their request / assumption was so incredibly cheeky, you have no need to stick to polite manners now. How about :
"Hi - when you asked if you could stay with us for 10 days I was taken by surprise and did not expect anyone to book flights without checking with me first. I was so flustered I said yes, without thinking it through. I am afraid it's just not going to work for us. I'd like to see you when you're over but can't provide accommodation. I can help you find an Air BnB though, and would like us to all meet up for a meal. "

I've had Air BnBs bookings cancelled just a few days before I was supposed to turn up, so I don't think you really need to stick to hosting them just because you wimped out of telling them how you felt back in January. As others have said, it's not like these are close friends. And I doubt they're broke, otherwise no way would they have booked tickets without checking that free accommodation was available. They're either chancers or daft, but neither are your problem!

2bazookas · 08/03/2022 20:33

@tiredanddangerous

Two toddlers you say? Are they twins? It's always twins.
Hope OP's got two cots and highchairs , lots of toys, and no white carpets.
Jewel52 · 08/03/2022 20:34

Strange to book flights without speaking to you first and no sane person expects to stay with the same person for 10days. A couple of days would be fine but, unless it’s close family, anything more is an imposition.

JimmyShoo · 08/03/2022 20:35

Did you post about this before? I’m sure I read pretty much the same thread a couple of months back?

Sh05 · 08/03/2022 20:37

So it's been around 6 weeks since you told them it was fine for them to stay with you.
When are they coming? If there's still a few months then you could contact them and suggest a b&b. If they're arriving this month then it's too late I'm afraid.
Posters are seriously exaggerating by saying this happened 3 months ago

Raindancer411 · 08/03/2022 20:38

Let's just hope they do the same for you when you next stay. I would be letting her know you will need money off them towards food as you weren't expecting them, and they will be washing dishes after meals. You are not a hotel so out any rules in place before as well...

Or just say it's not going to work as you though and send some links to an air bnb...

Kingharoldshairstyle · 08/03/2022 20:46

So, to summarise, you invited them to stay with uou whenever they happened to be in the uk and didn’t mean it, then when they took you up on your offer you confirmed it was fine and you actually didn’t mean that either?

Confused
Kingharoldshairstyle · 08/03/2022 20:49

@DivorcedAndDelighted

Their request / assumption was so incredibly cheeky, you have no need to stick to polite manners now. How about : "Hi - when you asked if you could stay with us for 10 days I was taken by surprise and did not expect anyone to book flights without checking with me first. I was so flustered I said yes, without thinking it through. I am afraid it's just not going to work for us. I'd like to see you when you're over but can't provide accommodation. I can help you find an Air BnB though, and would like us to all meet up for a meal. "

I've had Air BnBs bookings cancelled just a few days before I was supposed to turn up, so I don't think you really need to stick to hosting them just because you wimped out of telling them how you felt back in January. As others have said, it's not like these are close friends. And I doubt they're broke, otherwise no way would they have booked tickets without checking that free accommodation was available. They're either chancers or daft, but neither are your problem!

Um it was a message. The op thought about it. Discussed it and responded it was fine but she was surprised. It wasn’t a phone call.
stripeyflowers · 08/03/2022 20:52

@TeaForTiger

'We won't be able to host you here, but hopefully we'll be able to meet for lunch or something?'
Job done.
ButtockUp · 08/03/2022 20:54

You've left it for too long.
You offered , they're now taking you up on your offer.

theremustonlybeone · 08/03/2022 20:57

I think the issue here is the friends booked flights but at no point discussed it with OP or her DH. They could have been away themselves so its very odd that her friends didnt call and discuss dates first. Just because OP said come anytime doesnt mean they book it without discussion.

Porcupineintherough · 08/03/2022 21:00

@Kingharoldshairstyle

So, to summarise, you invited them to stay with uou whenever they happened to be in the uk and didn’t mean it, then when they took you up on your offer you confirmed it was fine and you actually didn’t mean that either?

Confused

^^This!
ChampagneLassie · 08/03/2022 21:14

I don't know why you agreed, but I don't think you have to suck it up. Just tell them you're sorry but it's not possible anymore and a link to hotels/air bnb etc you might not stay friends but that doesn't sound like a big loss on either side

PiperPosey · 08/03/2022 21:15

@stripeyflowers

Job done.
Absolutely...I agree...
I just wouldn't mess with it. I wouldn't have friends that would do that to me.
Let the chips fall where they may!

NumberTheory · 08/03/2022 21:17

She was very unreasonable to book flights without speaking to you.

You were unreasonable to tell her she was welcome to stay anytime and not mean. Your would be unreasonable to back out of hosting a month after confirming it was okay for her to stay. How unreasonable depends on how soon she's supposed to be coming.

Given she booked without checking dates I think you have some leeway to say no now without being morally responsible for some of her costs unless she's coming soon (as the month since you said yes will make booking accomodation more difficult). But you will, in any case, expose how faux your professions of friendship on her departure were and that will (rightfully) damage your friendship. If you can live with that (and after 2 years, if you haven't really been in touch since the one lunch when you visited their country, that might not be awful) then you may as well tell her the semi truth - that actually, you don't think you want to can host them after all.

Kingharoldshairstyle · 08/03/2022 21:22

I think it was totally unreasonable of her to book without checking but it really depends on what you actually said to her. Was it.,any time, just let me know, we would love to have you,,,becayse she’s taken you at your word and let you know in advance.

When she said ‘hopefully with you” that was your chance to say gosh I’m sorry it doesn’t work. But you didn’t you went back and told her it was good and confirmed she could stay.

I do think you really need to stop making offers to people when you don’t mean it. Then slagging them off behind their backs for accepting your offers.

Hollywolly1 · 08/03/2022 22:07

Oh gosh this was verrrry cheeky of her but not to late to make an excuse now,tell her you have to much on your plate and are unable to host her and like others said arrange to meet up for a meal,I wonder are they incredibly mean they could expect you to cook and clean after them for ten days Hmm and take them out for meals as well. If I was going on a holiday i wouldn't impose on anyone no way

Hollywolly1 · 08/03/2022 22:09

And will they be free to roam your house while you work

Myshitisreal · 11/03/2022 22:18

This has been picked up 😬

StoneofDestiny · 11/03/2022 22:41

I couldn't host 2 extra adults and 2 kids for that length of time - whoever they were. They have been incredibly presumptuous.
I'd come up with a story that you are now down to look after an elderly relative post surgery or something similar and can't host them - but would love to meet up with them. Offer to help them seek out alternative accommodation.
Then when they arrive there would be a miraculous recovery etc/other relative to help out instead - but you are exhausted etc.

10 days is way too long to cater for another family without respite.

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