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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can't invite yourself to someone's house?!

150 replies

SpicyTuna · 08/03/2022 15:52

So a bit of a backstory (pls bear with me). My partner and I have been friends with this couple for almost 6 years now but they've now moved to another country. Almost 2 years ago, we visited that country but we didn't stay with them, so we just met for a nice lunch and at the end we were saying good-bye and I said it would be nice to meet again and that they were welcome anytime if they happened to be in the UK.

Fast forward to January this year, my friend messages me out of nowhere saying that they've bought flight tickets to come to the UK and gives me the dates. I find this odd, as she gives me details of flight times and everything so I braced myself and asked, where were they going to stay. She says, "With you, I hope it's not a problem". Bear in mind my friend is coming for TEN DAYS with her partner and 2 toddlers. Neither her nor her husband discussed any of these plans with us beforehand.

I asked my partner if he knew anything about this and he said he hasn't spoken with either one of them in months. We are both so surprised because they've never done anything like this (That I know of) and even if out of politeness I said they could visit us anytime, I'd still expect a heads up, especially because it's not just coming around for tea, it's hosting a family day and night.

They really are nice people but I don't know what to do.

Should I host them because it is my fault for welcoming them "Anytime" 2 years ago?
or
Should I ask them to find other accommodation for their trip?

OP posts:
scatteredglitter · 08/03/2022 16:22

Agree with everyone, you should have said no at the start.

There s still time though.

Dear xxx
Unfortunately we are not in a position to
Host you for 10 days accommodation. I can advise you on any air b n b or hotels you might select as an alternative if you would like some local knowledge if that is any help ? . It would
Be nice to meet up when you are here, we are free xxx and xxx but have plans on xx x. Xx z.

Let me know the dates or activity you might like.

LagunaBubbles · 08/03/2022 16:23

Why on earth didn't you say of course its not ok when she asked?!

gunnersgold · 08/03/2022 16:24

I'd hate that , I'd rather pay their hotel bill than have them stay with me !

GooglyEyeballs · 08/03/2022 16:25

I would make up an excuse like you have family staying or you're going to have an operation to get your leg chopped off so can't host. I find it bizarre they didnt give you a heads up! 10 days with two toddlers sounds like hell!!

readingismycardio · 08/03/2022 16:25

So what did you tell her? I'd say I have family from abroad over, because if you say you're away she might have the cheek to ask for the keys

britneyisfree · 08/03/2022 16:26

I'm sure you mean end of feb... perhaps? Either way. Dammnnnnnn.

incognitoforthisone · 08/03/2022 16:26

Have you just been dithering about this since they supposedly emailed you in January? Hmm

OooohAhhhh · 08/03/2022 16:26

You can't possibly let her, because if you do, you are letting her know that what she has done is acceptable, and it really isn't!
Not to mention it's unbelievably rude.
She will do it again if you take them in.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/03/2022 16:27

Obviously say no but you should really have done it straight away

SleeplessInEngland · 08/03/2022 16:27

Bullshit alert.

user1493494961 · 08/03/2022 16:30

I don't believe half the things I read on here.

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 08/03/2022 16:31

If this is real - then a usual Mumsnet reply is the way to go:

'No - that will not work for us.
Let's arrange to have lunch one day while you are over here.'

Ohmybod · 08/03/2022 16:31

You and DH need to decide what your tolerance level is and then advise they can stay for X number of days but your busy the rest of the time. Adding, it would have been best to discuss the plan with us before booking! Cringing for your friend.

spacehardware · 08/03/2022 16:33

There is no point claiming to be out of town - they'll think they have a free house

Madre123 · 08/03/2022 16:38

I would tell them that they are welcome for a dinner and drinks but you are not in a position to offer a place for them to all stay for that length of time...no room, financial etc etc etc...cheek

Original poster
SpicyTuna · 08/03/2022 16:39

I should've included this before (Sorry not a frequent poster)...I did reply to her and said we could accommodate them but that I was surprised they even had tickets because we had no idea they even had plans to visit us.

I guess I'm now regretting this decision and realize that it's probably a bit late to ask them to find somewhere else to stay.

OP posts:
crispmidnightpeace · 08/03/2022 16:40

I only say that to people who can genuinely turn up whenever they like. Otherwise I don't say it.

spacehardware · 08/03/2022 16:41

You're stuck with them. And need to locate your backbone

Murdoch1949 · 08/03/2022 16:41

I hope that you have responded to your friend by now! She is being unreasonable expecting you to host her family for 10 days, a weekend maximum would be ok. You should have IMMEDIATELY responded with 'I'm sorry, but we cannot possibly host you on your trip to the UK. We would love you to ...' - stay overnight, for a weekend, come for lunch, whatever, your choice. She is being presumptuous that your invite was for a 10 day stay, I'm sure you'll be more careful when you ask future friends to pop round! Whatever you decide DO IT NOW.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/03/2022 16:42

I guess I'm now regretting this decision and realize that it's probably a bit late to ask them to find somewhere else to stay

You could say no, but it will be massively awkward, now that you've already said yes. What a nightmare.

RobertsRadio · 08/03/2022 16:42

So you decide to post about this several weeks after the phone call because ....????

NorthSouthcatlady · 08/03/2022 16:43

No just no. 4 people for 10 days is bullshit.

HaggisBurger · 08/03/2022 16:46

@SpicyTuna

I should've included this before (Sorry not a frequent poster)...I did reply to her and said we could accommodate them but that I was surprised they even had tickets because we had no idea they even had plans to visit us.

I guess I'm now regretting this decision and realize that it's probably a bit late to ask them to find somewhere else to stay.

Er yes! That’s really unfair on them despite them being CFs. You had your chance back in Jan. Making a vague passive ref to being surprised they had booked really was a total cop out, wasn’t it.
Lou98 · 08/03/2022 16:46

@SpicyTuna

I should've included this before (Sorry not a frequent poster)...I did reply to her and said we could accommodate them but that I was surprised they even had tickets because we had no idea they even had plans to visit us.

I guess I'm now regretting this decision and realize that it's probably a bit late to ask them to find somewhere else to stay.

In that case, I think if you say you've changed your mind now then it would make you the unreasonable one, regardless of how cheeky it was of them. You should have said no at the time. Agreeing at the time then waiting 2 months before telling them that you actually can't accommodate them is really poor. They may not be able to get accommodation now and no refunds on the flight so they would lose their money or the accommodation they can get may cost a lot more than it would have done if you'd said no in January.

Had you posted this when she messaged you in January then I'd have said you're absolutely not being U and she should have thought about all this when booking but as you've already said yes, I do think you're stuck with them now

Hawkins001 · 08/03/2022 16:47

How did it go op.?