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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can't invite yourself to someone's house?!

150 replies

SpicyTuna · 08/03/2022 15:52

So a bit of a backstory (pls bear with me). My partner and I have been friends with this couple for almost 6 years now but they've now moved to another country. Almost 2 years ago, we visited that country but we didn't stay with them, so we just met for a nice lunch and at the end we were saying good-bye and I said it would be nice to meet again and that they were welcome anytime if they happened to be in the UK.

Fast forward to January this year, my friend messages me out of nowhere saying that they've bought flight tickets to come to the UK and gives me the dates. I find this odd, as she gives me details of flight times and everything so I braced myself and asked, where were they going to stay. She says, "With you, I hope it's not a problem". Bear in mind my friend is coming for TEN DAYS with her partner and 2 toddlers. Neither her nor her husband discussed any of these plans with us beforehand.

I asked my partner if he knew anything about this and he said he hasn't spoken with either one of them in months. We are both so surprised because they've never done anything like this (That I know of) and even if out of politeness I said they could visit us anytime, I'd still expect a heads up, especially because it's not just coming around for tea, it's hosting a family day and night.

They really are nice people but I don't know what to do.

Should I host them because it is my fault for welcoming them "Anytime" 2 years ago?
or
Should I ask them to find other accommodation for their trip?

OP posts:
PatientlyWaiting21 · 08/03/2022 16:48

“Sorry we aren’t free during those dates” who does that?!!

Brideandprejudice · 08/03/2022 16:48

If you're going to cancel you'd better do it now seeing as you said yes 2 months ago.

godmum56 · 08/03/2022 16:49

So you said yes? What did you THINK would happen?

HaggisBurger · 08/03/2022 16:50

All you can do now is lay out some ground rules in a nice way - say “we won’t be free Mon - Friday so do feel free to come and go as you please. But on Saturday we’d love to do X & Y with you if that works for you”. Just so they know you aren’t going to entertain them 24/7. And whatever you di be upbeat and pleasant not slightly pissy. This situation arose because you DID invite them when you didn’t mean it - and then didn’t say it didn’t suit when you had the chance …

Live and learn eh!

Noname1999 · 08/03/2022 16:50

It's too late to do anything. And as someone who is originally from a holiday spot abroad this does happen. Next time laugh and say no, they were obviously pushing their luck by not discussing this with you before booking their flights.

Fernandina · 08/03/2022 16:53

Blimey, we have family overseas and I wouldn't dream of booking flights before being invited to go and stay with them.

incognitoforthisone · 08/03/2022 16:54

@SpicyTuna

I should've included this before (Sorry not a frequent poster)...I did reply to her and said we could accommodate them but that I was surprised they even had tickets because we had no idea they even had plans to visit us.

I guess I'm now regretting this decision and realize that it's probably a bit late to ask them to find somewhere else to stay.

Have you ever heard the expression 'shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted'?
Unsureaboutit9 · 08/03/2022 16:58

@SpicyTuna

I should've included this before (Sorry not a frequent poster)...I did reply to her and said we could accommodate them but that I was surprised they even had tickets because we had no idea they even had plans to visit us.

I guess I'm now regretting this decision and realize that it's probably a bit late to ask them to find somewhere else to stay.

Yep of course it is if you’ve already told them you’d accommodate them. I would have told them no at the time but I think it’d be very crappy to change your mind now.
2bazookas · 08/03/2022 16:59

You quickly reply "How lovely :-) If you get to our neck of the woods we'd love to see you, probably lunch best with the children? Or maybe a picnic at the beach/river/local beauty spot if the weather's nice. I can recommend some hotels/ AIRbnBs that are good for families.

That's friendly and welcoming but makes it crystal clear they are not invited to stay  one night, let alone 10.
CurlyToStraight · 08/03/2022 17:00

When are they due to arrive? If it's in the next couple of weeks, you'll have to suck it up and learn your lesson, if it's later in the year then you need to apologise, tell them you've been thinking about it and that you just don't have the space / ability to accommodate them for ten days.

MermaidEyes · 08/03/2022 17:01

Well, as the saying goes, you've made your bed....

LieNoMore · 08/03/2022 17:02

I’d have told them from the off that they should’ve checked with you first as those dates weren’t convenient and they’d have to make other arrangements.

But you’ve agreed now so will probably have to suck it up.

When are they coming to visit?

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 08/03/2022 17:04

and I said it would be nice to meet again and that they were welcome anytime if they happened to be in the UK.

Well, of course they took that to mean you were inviting them to stay.

But it is beyond weird not to get in touch with you before booking flights to check the dates and length of time suited you.

Not sure why you’ve faffed from Jan to March, though?

You should’ve dealt with it back in January.

WorraLiberty · 08/03/2022 17:04

@SpicyTuna

I should've included this before (Sorry not a frequent poster)...I did reply to her and said we could accommodate them but that I was surprised they even had tickets because we had no idea they even had plans to visit us.

I guess I'm now regretting this decision and realize that it's probably a bit late to ask them to find somewhere else to stay.

Should I host them because it is my fault for welcoming them "Anytime" 2 years ago? or Should I ask them to find other accommodation for their trip?

Surely what you mean is

Should I host them because I told them I would 2 months ago?
or
Should I tell them I've completely changed my mind?

She's a cheeky fucker but you can't put this all on her at this late stage. I think the voting would've been completely different if you'd been honest in your OP.

Adhdbrnotofcntrl · 08/03/2022 17:05

So you invited them to stay, confirmed they could stay, and are now blaming them for being CFs 🤣🤣

Sorry OP this is hilarious. And v English thing to happen - when I first moved here I was so confused, people I worked with would say things like "oh you must come around" " would be great to have you over for dinner" and I'd follow up enthusiastically to little response. Took me a while to grasp that people probably just said it to be nice but didn't actually want me anywhere near their homes 😂😂

Though I'd never just book flights or whatever that is very presumptuous. Maybe say your house burned down or something? Or say your energy bill has gone up loads and you can't afford to have them there...?

LookItsMeAgain · 08/03/2022 17:06

@SpicyTuna

I should've included this before (Sorry not a frequent poster)...I did reply to her and said we could accommodate them but that I was surprised they even had tickets because we had no idea they even had plans to visit us.

I guess I'm now regretting this decision and realize that it's probably a bit late to ask them to find somewhere else to stay.

I'm guessing they are already there and this is the OP's way to find out if it would be unreasonable to ask them to leave earlier than expected.

What you should have done OP is said "I'm really sorry but we cannot accommodate you. We weren't aware that you were coming and we've got plans during that time frame (i.e. life). We'd love to meet up with you when you are over visiting, perhaps for a lunch or dinner. Let us know where you are staying and we'll do our very best to meet up with you. Have a pleasant flight/trip/holiday. All the best, Spicy"

Instead, you rolled over and said "Sure, we can host your family that we don't really know and your kids that we don't know either for 10 days. We'll cover all of the food/drink/expenses that you would normally encounter on a holiday for 10 days and we'll take it."

Have they offered to pay for dinner or drinks at all during their visit? They should be covering the costs of their stay with you (food/wine/beer/soft drinks for the kids).

WorraLiberty · 08/03/2022 17:08

I'm guessing they are already there and this is the OP's way to find out if it would be unreasonable to ask them to leave earlier than expected.

I don't get that at all from the OP.

ClemFandangoo · 08/03/2022 17:10

I did reply to her and said we could accommodate them

😬 School boy error OP

TricksAnd · 08/03/2022 17:11

OP, that's a weirdly written OP? Were you trying to charge the details or something?
When are they coming?

You can always change your mind. Blame a change in circumstances.

It's really weird to have asked them to stay then agree to them staying when you don't actually want them to stay.

SpacePotato · 08/03/2022 17:11

As it seems you are stuck with them now, you need to make it crystal clear that they they need to pay towards food etc as 4 extra people for 10 days will put you out of pocket.
Do you work? What are they expecting from you? Days out? Constant attention?

Juniper68 · 08/03/2022 17:14

No I'd put them off.

ClemFandangoo · 08/03/2022 17:16

@SpacePotato

As it seems you are stuck with them now, you need to make it crystal clear that they they need to pay towards food etc as 4 extra people for 10 days will put you out of pocket. Do you work? What are they expecting from you? Days out? Constant attention?
Eek I didn’t even think of the cost. I hope they’ll pay their own way OP
DottyHarmer · 08/03/2022 17:17

Sorry if this has already been posted, but isn’t this thread a reverse of the situation posted about a couple of weeks ago, in which a poster had booked flights to stay with someone in Spain without telling them because the friend had said to the Dh, You must stay sometime…?

billy1966 · 08/03/2022 17:26

@TeaForTiger

'We won't be able to host you here, but hopefully we'll be able to meet for lunch or something?'
This.

Complete CF's.

Wouldn't give it a second thought, simply not happening.

I also would be completely allergic on the back of such rudeness.

middlingnot · 08/03/2022 17:26

They are being presumptuous and you are being a soft touch. Are they now expecting to be collected from the airport, fed, taken out on trips etc all at your expense? If it's not too late set some firm ground rules for their stay e.g. when you're available, if you'd like them to be out in the day, hire a car etc .Or tell them you can't host for the full time now and give them an AirBnB suggestion for the rest of their stay.