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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can't invite yourself to someone's house?!

150 replies

SpicyTuna · 08/03/2022 15:52

So a bit of a backstory (pls bear with me). My partner and I have been friends with this couple for almost 6 years now but they've now moved to another country. Almost 2 years ago, we visited that country but we didn't stay with them, so we just met for a nice lunch and at the end we were saying good-bye and I said it would be nice to meet again and that they were welcome anytime if they happened to be in the UK.

Fast forward to January this year, my friend messages me out of nowhere saying that they've bought flight tickets to come to the UK and gives me the dates. I find this odd, as she gives me details of flight times and everything so I braced myself and asked, where were they going to stay. She says, "With you, I hope it's not a problem". Bear in mind my friend is coming for TEN DAYS with her partner and 2 toddlers. Neither her nor her husband discussed any of these plans with us beforehand.

I asked my partner if he knew anything about this and he said he hasn't spoken with either one of them in months. We are both so surprised because they've never done anything like this (That I know of) and even if out of politeness I said they could visit us anytime, I'd still expect a heads up, especially because it's not just coming around for tea, it's hosting a family day and night.

They really are nice people but I don't know what to do.

Should I host them because it is my fault for welcoming them "Anytime" 2 years ago?
or
Should I ask them to find other accommodation for their trip?

OP posts:
grapewines · 08/03/2022 18:11

That'll teach you to not say things you don't mean.

In January you even said you could accommodate them.

This is on you.

LemonDrizzles · 08/03/2022 18:13

Sorry we're away that weekend, do you have any backup accommodation plans?

Somethingsnappy · 08/03/2022 18:14

Well, I personally think that they are CF to book flights before checking with you, and then presuming they can stay for 10 whole days. So although you've agreed to it, and would be somewhat unreasonable to cancel now, the question is, how much does that matter? How much do you value their CF friendship? You could just be really honest. Tell them you were taken aback and agreed, but now you aren't comfortable with the setup. You'll lose their friendship, but....

Henlie · 08/03/2022 18:15

There is no way I could cope with anyone coming for 10 nights and bringing two toddlers to boot! This is the kind of thing that ruins friendships. Do you have children yourself @SpicyTuna?

TheLoupGarou · 08/03/2022 18:16

Everyone in this situation is unreasonable.

Friends U for booking flights without asking first if they could stay.

OP VVU for 1) insincere offer of 'stay any time', 2) wimpily saying they could stay for 10 days and 3) now wanting to rescind invitation at last minute.

Toddlers - unreasonable in general

lanthanum · 08/03/2022 18:28

It's rather late to say no now - I think your were quite within your rights in January to say that it wasn't convenient.

Do they have other friends in your area? Might they be able to split their time between you.

Perhaps you can lay some off-putting ground rules that might encourage them to consider AirBnB or something for at least part of the time. For instance, if you're working from home, say that as you'll need quiet in the house on workdays you're assuming they'll take themselves off out for the day from 9-5 (and offer to point them in the direction of good things to do with toddlers).

How toddler-proof is your house? And toddler-friendly (eg does guest room have an en suite with bath, or are they going to gum up your bathroom every day)?

PiperPosey · 08/03/2022 18:29

If you do back out... that will be the end of the relationship I'm sure.
( since they've paid for tickets and you have said yes)

But seriously what kind of friend would do that to another...10 days with 2 toddlers and 2 adults? Yes you initally made a casual comment while vacationg opening the door...BUT to stay with you is a different can of worms.

How close are you? If it's a casual relationshiop that you can afford to lose then me personally I wouldn't have someone ( other than my daughters) in my life that would NOT only expect it, but not give you a heads up.
They may expect you to accomadate them for other trips...
If you decide OK I made my bed....And they come...Do they pitch in for food? Manage the kids...expect you to babysit while they go out alone? Keep a clean space..? Take you out to dinner?
If the don't then I would cut bait now... That's just my thoughts.
I would just say ( if you back out) ( and do not give excuses..give explanation)
" Sue..I am having second thoughts. Ten days is a long time for all of us to be in the same space. ( She should have thought of that herself)
I'm getting anxious just thinking about it. IS it possible for you to stay elsewhere? It will just be too much for me.
(And yes... they probably haven't put that in their budget) We would be more than willing to chip in if needed. ( You would be spending more on food and shit if they stayed with you)

OP you had a weak moment. shake it off. But I can't imagine 10 days in hell ...or someone expecting it.

PiperPosey · 08/03/2022 18:33

(And yes... they probably haven't put that in their budget)
But you have a budget too... When I have guests the food bill alone goes way up

RobertsRadio · 08/03/2022 18:33

@tiredanddangerous

Two toddlers you say? Are they twins? It's always twins.
🤣🤣
spacehardware · 08/03/2022 18:39

"we'd love to see you for lunch'"

No one ever means this either 🤪🤪

Tulipomania · 08/03/2022 18:40

It's too late to change the plans now.

Next time this happens, you say to them:

"We'd be happy to accommodate you for a few days at the start/end of your trip, but we have other plans for the rest of the time, so can you can find an air BnB/stay with someone else/fuck off somewhere else."

justasoul · 08/03/2022 18:42

Are they British, OP? Grin

I had a thread here a few years back (it was in chat when the threads where deleted after 90 days unfortunately) about my British husband being horrified about a friend of my dad’s who rocked up unannounced with his family of 5 or 6 expecting to stay over when we were on holiday in South America. Unfortunately for my dad's friend, we were staying so there was no room… we still had an impromptu barbecue and DF helped his friends find somewhere to stay. DH was the only person to find it strange (though I think even for us 10 days stretching it!).

RiverSkater · 08/03/2022 18:43

This sounds like the opposite of a tale a few months ago where the hosts backtracked on the invite. 🙄

whynotwhatknot · 08/03/2022 18:50

Yes its a bit late as youve said yes

straight away you should have said im sorry we alr4eady have guests then

my fil done this a couple of times lives about 200 miles away one day just turned up and said im here to visit for a fe3w days!! my dh is soft with him and jsut said come in i had my sister staying over my dh slept on the couch but it made me feel annoyed at him

Then he done it again when he was visiting someone else-if he d just asked i would have said either yes or we're busy but he just turned up-i dont understand how anyone can do this-at leat you got a heads up

User69734 · 08/03/2022 18:58

I have a family member who does this all the time. She has no shame but gets cheap holidays!

Dishwashersaurous · 08/03/2022 19:04

You said they could stay.

Of course you can't rescind the invitation now.

It's really rude to book flights but you then said OK to staying

WutheringHeights66 · 08/03/2022 19:06

The damage is done now. Unless you are massively close to this couple, as in decades of friendship, then you will likely hate each other after the ten days so may as well cut your losses now and lose them as friends and take back the invitation.

If you absolutely value their friendship then you need to manage the rest of this sorry incident.

“Hi DF, not long until you come to the UK (note NOT to visit us). Looking forward to a catch up, just wondered what plans you had for your ten days as DH and I are obviously working. You’re welcome to have breakfast here, we’ll get extra —dry— bread —and water— in, and maybe we can have dinner together a couple of evenings too. Let me know your itinerary so we can make sure there are no problems with access etc.

Gonnagetgoing · 08/03/2022 19:10

Oh dear the whole family has tested positive for omicron 10 days before they leave would work….

But seriously don’t say things you don’t mean.

PiperPosey · 08/03/2022 19:12

I have a friend who announced at our class reunion...
We live 5 minutes away from Disneyland. Please come for a visit and I will recommend the best hotels.

Everyone laughed... Grin

SailingNotSurfing · 08/03/2022 19:23

Never, ever say the words 'you're welcome, anytime.' I said this to a not very close friend before we moved to the coast, and she arrived, massive suitcase and bratty boys in tow, with absolutely no notice. She proceeded to issue me with a shopping list of things she and her sons could eat (after snooping through my fridge and freezer) because I had nothing in that was suitable. She also said her sons couldn't possibly share a bedroom...

Fortunately, DH is braver than me and said she and the boys could stay the night but not for any longer, that having houseguests who weren't family wasn't something we could do, and the Travelodge in the nearest town was cheap and cheerful.

She was gobsmacked and said 'but you said we were welcome anytime.'

Nowadays, I tell people it would be lovely to meet for a drink.

PineappleStunt · 08/03/2022 19:36

@CurlyToStraight

When are they due to arrive? If it's in the next couple of weeks, you'll have to suck it up and learn your lesson, if it's later in the year then you need to apologise, tell them you've been thinking about it and that you just don't have the space / ability to accommodate them for ten days.
Exactly this. It's not too late to pull out depending on when the visit is although it'll likely mean the end of the friendship. On the other hand by the time they've stayed with you for 10 days and driven you bonkers it'll probably be finished anyway.
Cherrysoup · 08/03/2022 19:37

Why on earth did you tell her you could accommodate them? Blimey, 2 toddlers? You’re brave!

Hoplesscynic · 08/03/2022 19:55

Even if it's late in the game, if they have not arrived JUST CANCEL!
Technically it wouldn't be fair to them, but I'm of the opinion that CF of that sort need a good lesson to learn. If they can pull that kind of stunt on you, then you can CF back at them Grin by cancelling last moment.
Having said that, I also don't understand why you agreed in the first place, or why after agreeing you didnt come up with a "change of plans/circumstances" much sooner so you can be done with them. I assume there was a discussion with your husband and he also agreed to host?

Bunnyfuller · 08/03/2022 19:55

I had some friends who moved abroad. They mentioned coming over to collect the rest of their stuff and have a bit of a holiday. I said ‘don’t forget to come and see us’.

A month later I’m invited into a FB group chat, where the bloke shared their itinerary. Which included staying at ours. I was too shocked to say no, but as the different requirements came through it started feeling horrific. ‘We’re calling into friends on the way so won’t be with you until 1011pm’ - young kids and school the next day. ‘We’ll sort ourselves out for food’ I know they are not only the most disorganised, but also incredibly untidy/messy. Me and DH both work full time and the thought of coming home to carnage panicked me. They’d actually booked themselves solid with trips/visits, invited us on an expensive trip on a weekday (us paying) and we had arranged to have Sunday lunch at a pub. The final straw was him cancelling the lunch saying ‘actually we will be going to a park and have chips as we’re going to a party with xxx’ and then proceeded to try to arrange to store a load of their stuff at our house.

I ended up saying no to them staying, and didn’t see them when they were here.

billy1966 · 08/03/2022 20:14

How old are you OP?

Late 50's here.

In my experience of life, it is highly, highly unlikely this friendship will survive this visit.

They don't care about you, the manner in which they have booked without consulting you tells me that they are going to use you, your home and not look back.

You will likely NEVER want to see them again.

They will have used you, cost you a fortune and your relationship with your husband will be in bits as a result of the stress.

The clever thing here would be just tell them that they can't stay, sorry but it's not going to work. You could point out you booked your own accommodation because you know this type of visit doesn't work.

If they get stroppy, just block and move on.

Life is too short for users.

They aren't your friends.

Good luck.