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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you can't invite yourself to someone's house?!

150 replies

SpicyTuna · 08/03/2022 15:52

So a bit of a backstory (pls bear with me). My partner and I have been friends with this couple for almost 6 years now but they've now moved to another country. Almost 2 years ago, we visited that country but we didn't stay with them, so we just met for a nice lunch and at the end we were saying good-bye and I said it would be nice to meet again and that they were welcome anytime if they happened to be in the UK.

Fast forward to January this year, my friend messages me out of nowhere saying that they've bought flight tickets to come to the UK and gives me the dates. I find this odd, as she gives me details of flight times and everything so I braced myself and asked, where were they going to stay. She says, "With you, I hope it's not a problem". Bear in mind my friend is coming for TEN DAYS with her partner and 2 toddlers. Neither her nor her husband discussed any of these plans with us beforehand.

I asked my partner if he knew anything about this and he said he hasn't spoken with either one of them in months. We are both so surprised because they've never done anything like this (That I know of) and even if out of politeness I said they could visit us anytime, I'd still expect a heads up, especially because it's not just coming around for tea, it's hosting a family day and night.

They really are nice people but I don't know what to do.

Should I host them because it is my fault for welcoming them "Anytime" 2 years ago?
or
Should I ask them to find other accommodation for their trip?

OP posts:

billy1966 · 08/03/2022 17:28

You said yes??🙄

Text her and tell it just doesn't suit.

I would rather never see them again than be used by such complete CF's.

It will be absolute hell.

BoredZelda · 08/03/2022 17:28

I should've included this before (Sorry not a frequent poster)...I did reply to her and said we could accommodate them but that I was surprised they even had tickets because we had no idea they even had plans to visit us.

There is your problem.

Plus if someone said “you’re welcome anytime” I would assume they are talking about “at my house” rather than “visiting the country”. That’s how I’d extend the invitation.

bluepeacock · 08/03/2022 17:30

It's a shame you've suddenly had an infestation of mice and had to move in with your in-laws isn't it OP?...

Seriously though, they've been very cheeky and although you've made it awkward by not saying no immediately, I don't think I could put up with this and would just have to be honest. Tell them you don't have the space or something.

Roeq · 08/03/2022 17:32

@OP it’s very inappropriate but people do it all the times. They are piss takers. It took nearly 2yrs for my ‘visitor’ (school mum)to get the message that I didn’t want to host her and her DD for a weekend Barbeque, laid on especially for them.

Sswhinesthebest · 08/03/2022 17:33

The time to say no was immediately you heard about this incredulous presumption.
You made your bed, now you have to lie in it - hopefully you’ll have a nice time!

DockOTheBay · 08/03/2022 17:33

@LadyMaid

You are out of town on those dates.

Thats not going to put them off! Even better, they've got the house to themselves

Eddielizzard · 08/03/2022 17:35

At the time you could have said, lovely! We can host you for x dates. And then let them worry about the rest. But now you've said yes it's much harder. When are they coming?

TheMarmaladeYears · 08/03/2022 17:41

Some elementary, but crucial mistakes have occurred here. Firstly, if you don't want people to actually stay with you, the word 'accommodate' shouldn't appear in the general 'Cheerio for now' pleasantries. This couple have quite reasonably assumed that you meant they could stay with you rather than merely meet up for a reunion. Secondly, you can't say yes to them staying in January and then withdraw the invitation three months later without exceedingly good reasons - of which, 'not being up for it' isn't one. So now you face telling a great huge set of lies. Which makes you doubly unreasonable.

I do agree that it was rather silly to book flights etc., without checking your availability as a host first though

NewPapaGuinea · 08/03/2022 17:42

It is pretty bizarre to book flights without even confirming the host is willing and available! However, if you are available I’d go through with letting them stay.

RitaFires · 08/03/2022 17:44

If you're new to being assertive, you can always say you have to check with your husband because you don't know if you're free on those dates.

It's imperative to not give a yes to plans you don't want to do because once you've agreed to them you'll be the bad guy for pulling out.

I think you're going to just have to suck it up now because it's a bit late to cancel. Be careful how you phrase invitations in the future because some people will take you at your word.

Phantom1 · 08/03/2022 17:44

When you asked where she was staying and she said 'With you,' is a bit of a cheeky reply. The fact that you asked her should have told her that you weren't expecting the whole family to turn up.

Do you have the room for them all? Is it convenient for you? Will you be expected to pay for their food and cook it for them? You'd think these things would have been discussed well before even thinking about booking flights.

anotheronenow · 08/03/2022 17:45

Confusing drip feed. So your AIBU is not about what you said in January (you said yes) but now you are asking WIBU to tell her no after you said yes in Jan.

I voted before I saw your update. YABU now. In January you would have NBU to tell her no.

tiredanddangerous · 08/03/2022 17:47

Two toddlers you say? Are they twins? It's always twins.

PiperPosey · 08/03/2022 17:50

@spacehardware

You're stuck with them. And need to locate your backbone

Absolutely 100% this!

Brilliant actually. WOW OP...

squashyhat · 08/03/2022 17:51

@SpicyTuna

I guess I'm now regretting this decision and realize that it's probably a bit late to ask them to find somewhere else to stay.

YANBU to not want to host them. YABVVU to have left it this late and not told them. No choice but to suck it up now.

sleepylittlebunnies · 08/03/2022 17:52

Are they actually planning on staying the whole 10 days with you? Surely they must have relatives they can also visit and stay with some nights. I couldn’t cope with “guests” for that long and actually couldn’t afford it either. They don’t sound the types to pay their way.

After being taken aback at their cheek I think I would have replied that unfortunately we have family staying or house renovations, so it’s a shame they didn’t check it was ok before booking flights.

50DaysAF · 08/03/2022 17:53

You said she could stay anytime. Then:

I did reply to her and said we could accommodate them

You can’t back out now!!! Not without a very good reason. Who has funds last minute for 10 nights of accommodation for a family of 4?

Suck it up and be clearer next time!

user2519782463 · 08/03/2022 17:56

I voted YABU but only because you should have told them straight away! You could have said you had relatives staying, or were going away yourselves and at least kept the friendship. Now you're going to have to say you've changed your mind and be the baddie.

Greengagesnfennel · 08/03/2022 18:04

Yabu. If I invite someone to visit anytime I mean it. Don't say things you don't mean. If they contacted you with dates which you confirmed in jan you would be VVU and rude!! to cancel now. The fact they booked without checking (also rude) is a red herring.

mumda · 08/03/2022 18:05

' we'd love to see you for lunch'

surreygirl1987 · 08/03/2022 18:06

The thing is, you've already said yes. It was mad of them to do this, but you have agreed so you'd be in thr wrong if you pulled out now. I don't envy you though... sounds awful!

bossyrossy · 08/03/2022 18:06

Your invitation two years ago would be seen by a Brit as a polite offer that was not to be taken seriously. Are your friends from a country where they perhaps took your invitation literally?

DrManhattan · 08/03/2022 18:08

Really?????? #BSALERT

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2022 18:08

@SpicyTuna

I guess I'm now regretting this decision and realize that it's probably a bit late to ask them to find somewhere else to stay.

Yes, 2 months later is a bit late to do anything about it.

TBH I think anyone who books flights without pinning down staying with friends/relatives is taking the piss in the first place. It's presenting a 'fait accompli' in the hopes that the potential hosts won't say no. Shoot, I stay with a cousin (more like a sister) in our hometown for 2 weeks every year and every year I still ask her way in advance if it's ok, what works for her, and give her multiple chances to 'back out' if it becomes inconvenient.

We live mid-way between two popular destinations. I have learned to say "Love to see you if you get our way. I recommend the XXX hotel. It is just lovely".

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 08/03/2022 18:10

She’s a Cf to book tickets without double checking first but why on Earth would you invite someone when you didn’t mean it. I think it’s a really poor form, sort of saying right things to look generous whilst knowing you never meant it.

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