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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like my friend has done a cruel thing to my DS?

121 replies

Iffypiffy · 08/03/2022 11:58

I have a very good school mum friend, who we have known for the best part of five years. Our children are also best friends. In five years, everything has been great and she has been a wonderful friend.

Our sons are 8 and spend a lot of time together (their choice) and have the kind of relationship where they will occasionally squabble, are not friends for 5 minutes and then everything is fine again.

Last week the teacher spoke to her about her son and another boy about hitting my son. She was embarrassed and I think she was a bit put out that her son had been told off, when mine probably does the same thing occasionally and it goes unnoticed.

Anyway, it looks like she has told her son that he is not to play with my son at school anymore. They also made an excuse not to walk home with us yesterday.

I do feel a bit upset about it because my son struggles socially and he has gone from playing with his best friend everyday to being upset that he has no one to play with. I can't help but feel that my friend has been cruel by doing this to my son.

Nothing seems to have changed in our friendship, but I can't help feeling sad that she would put my son in a position where he is unhappy at school and saying he doesn't want to go anymore.

I don't know what to do and don't know what to say to her

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 08/03/2022 12:04

Speak to the teacher about his lack of friends. They should be able to organise a nurture group to help him make more friends.

Your friend - if she does the same at pick up today I'd consider her no longer a friend. Kids can be harsh and cruel - but I wouldn't out up with it from the adults.

SNUG2022 · 08/03/2022 12:04

Oh god that's awful! I'd say, little Johnny said that your ds said he's not allowed to play with him at school anymore. Is that right? What's happened?

It could be that your friendship is over. Its a bit naive of her to not think of the implications etc

Retq · 08/03/2022 12:04

Could you invite her son round to play and force things to get back to normal? If you invite a few kids round at same time 3 so you have even number of kids. Then she won’t want her son to miss out and accept the invitation. Although I wonder if there is more to what has happened? It seems strange she would tell him not to play with your son. In my experience kids don’t really follow these sort of requests and just play with whoever they want at the time.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 08/03/2022 12:07

I wonder what her side of the story is. If they are not getting along or her son has said he is not happy with the friendship then telling her son to make some new friends is a good idea.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 08/03/2022 12:07

I guess she wants to avoid the situation where her son hits yours again! I’m not sure her reaction is that strange. Your DS will be better off to look for frie ds that dobkt hit - the teacher should try and help with that.

1000yellowdaisies · 08/03/2022 12:09

Does your friend think perhaps it was you that spoke to the teacher about her son hitting your son? If so she could be cross you involved the teacher?

Rotherweird · 08/03/2022 12:09

You need to talk to her and find out what's going on.

Original poster

Iffypiffy · 08/03/2022 12:09

I overheard her son saying to her 'you said we could play together after school, just not in school' but she said 'no, we're not playing after school either because you keep fighting'.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 08/03/2022 12:10

Could it be that her son is finding being the only friend is too intense? So his mum is trying to take a step back? Would have been nice if she had spoken to you about it though.

Ask school to help him build his social skills and social group so he isn’t reliant on one child.

Sunpotter · 08/03/2022 12:10

Maybe she just thinks she's doing the right thing? If she's worried her son has hurt yours and has told him to leave him alone, stay away if he can't be kind, or something similar. This could be misconstrued by a child.

I think you really need to speak to her, but I wouldn't mention your son is lonely generally, most parents are wary of their child being heavily relied upon by another child. Just explain it as he misses him.

AlternativePerspective · 08/03/2022 12:10

If her son has been hitting yours then tbh he’s better off without this boy as a friend anyway.

Agree with PP, I would speak to the teacher about his lack of friends. And I would distance myself from the other mum.

Northernparent68 · 08/03/2022 12:11

If they are hitting each other, it’s unsurprising she thinks they should be separated

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 08/03/2022 12:11

@Iffypiffy

I overheard her son saying to her 'you said we could play together after school, just not in school' but she said 'no, we're not playing after school either because you keep fighting'.

Based on this I’m not sure what she’s done wrong.

TheOriginalEmu · 08/03/2022 12:13

Maybe what she’s done is try to give her son a consequence of not being allowed to play with yours because he hit him, without thinking through the consequence on your son not having someone to play with.

Sunpotter · 08/03/2022 12:13

Cross-posted

Looks like she wants to discourage what she sees as an unhealthy friendship. That's up to her really, her priority is her son's social skills.

As others have said, speak to teacher about helping your DS make more friends.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 08/03/2022 12:14

@Iffypiffy

I overheard her son saying to her 'you said we could play together after school, just not in school' but she said 'no, we're not playing after school either because you keep fighting'.

She's keeping them apart for a while so her DS doesn't get into any more trouble.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 08/03/2022 12:14

I do think there more to this, one incident of being told off wouldn't normally lead to this response. She also has done this to your son, she's done it to protect her own from being told off often or it escalating.

The friendship could have ended at any point in the future for many reasons. They could move house, go to a different secondary school or just fall out more permanently. This is a good opportunity to work on expanding his social circle and working on those skills needed to do this (I'm assuming he doesn't have additional needs as you haven't mentioned any).

Original poster

Iffypiffy · 08/03/2022 12:15

@theoriginalemu It's seems like she's blaming my son for being hit by her son. My son now says that he won't tell anyone in future if someone does something mean to him because it means he won't be able to play with anyone

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AchillesPoirot · 08/03/2022 12:17

@Iffypiffy

I overheard her son saying to her 'you said we could play together after school, just not in school' but she said 'no, we're not playing after school either because you keep fighting'.

I don’t see what’s wrong with what she’s doing here?

Sally872 · 08/03/2022 12:18

Seems a bit ott. But if school were calling me to tell me my child had hit another child I would want my child to reassure me it would not happen again if he said "but we always fight" or "it was play fighting" etc I would say don't play together if you can't avoid hitting each other then.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 08/03/2022 12:19

[quote Iffypiffy]@theoriginalemu It's seems like she's blaming my son for being hit by her son. My son now says that he won't tell anyone in future if someone does something mean to him because it means he won't be able to play with anyone [/quote]
But nothing you've said suggests she's blaming your son. You said above she was blaming her own child for fighting and therefore telling him to stay away. Could you explain where she's blamed your son directly?

Cryingbutstilltrying · 08/03/2022 12:20

You need to work on your child’s self esteem and encourage new friendships. A friend who hurts you is not a friend. If I had been told my child was hitting another I would absolutely tell him to leave that kid alone. That seems to me to be what she’s done. They all need to cool off and perhaps in future they can be friends again, but right now you need to focus on your son and new friends.

mrsm43s · 08/03/2022 12:21

@Iffypiffy

I overheard her son saying to her 'you said we could play together after school, just not in school' but she said 'no, we're not playing after school either because you keep fighting'.

This seems perfectly reasonable.

If the two of them can't play nicely together without fighting, then they shouldn't be playing together.

Encourage your son to make other friends. Why on earth do you want your son to keep playing with someone who he fights with?

Wtfdoipick · 08/03/2022 12:21

[quote Iffypiffy]@theoriginalemu It's seems like she's blaming my son for being hit by her son. My son now says that he won't tell anyone in future if someone does something mean to him because it means he won't be able to play with anyone [/quote]
You need to support your son in making different friends. This friendship for whatever reason isn't working for both of them. It doesn't matter if this is your son's only friend he is allowed to pull away for any reason including his mother thinking its not a healthy friendship.

Original poster

Iffypiffy · 08/03/2022 12:23

@WabbitsAndWeasels because on the day it happened, she told me what the teacher had said, never apologised for her son hitting mine and straight away said 'but ds said your son hit him yesterday' like that made it okay.

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