To feel like my friend has done a cruel thing to my DS?

[Iffypiffy]

I have a very good school mum friend, who we have known for the best part of five years. Our children are also best friends. In five years, everything has been great and she has been a wonderful friend.

Our sons are 8 and spend a lot of time together (their choice) and have the kind of relationship where they will occasionally squabble, are not friends for 5 minutes and then everything is fine again.

Last week the teacher spoke to her about her son and another boy about hitting my son. She was embarrassed and I think she was a bit put out that her son had been told off, when mine probably does the same thing occasionally and it goes unnoticed.

Anyway, it looks like she has told her son that he is not to play with my son at school anymore. They also made an excuse not to walk home with us yesterday.

I do feel a bit upset about it because my son struggles socially and he has gone from playing with his best friend everyday to being upset that he has no one to play with. I can't help but feel that my friend has been cruel by doing this to my son.

Nothing seems to have changed in our friendship, but I can't help feeling sad that she would put my son in a position where he is unhappy at school and saying he doesn't want to go anymore.

I don't know what to do and don't know what to say to her

It reads to me like she thinks they need a bit of space from each other. If they can't play without hitting each other then maybe she is right? I don't think it sounds like she is doing this to punish your son, more to stop them fighting as if it's been going on a while, telling them off doesn't seem to have worked

I think her decision is right, totally. This isn’t just occasional squabbles, two days running one kid has hit the other. Children need to be taught healthy relationships and this isn’t one.

To be honest though, your kid is eight, he knows full well he was trying to get his friend into trouble for doing exactly what he himself had done the day before. .

I’m assuming when he told the teacher he didn’t say but I hit him yesterday? The truth of the matter is if you hit the wrong person at some point they are going to hit you back, that’s a life lesson right there.

You jist need to now work with your son to help him find new friends and also to understand boundaries. I’m also not really sure hitting someone then telling teacher when they hit uou is very pleasant either, not if you fail to say you’ve also done it.

How have you dealt with the information your son has hit his friend?

@Mummyoflittledragon

The school decides if the boys are allowed to play together, not the parent. They are in loco parentis whilst the children are at school.

At pick up this evening, you should ask to talk the teacher and as if there is any ban in place. The teachers will be able to tell the boys they are allowed to play together and keep an eye out.

You can also encourage other friendships. Talk about play dates with other boys or even girls if he is friends with any - I know by this age they’re starting to separate out a bit.

Does your ds doing any clubs or after school activities? Both getting him busy and meeting new children, hence giving him the opportunity to practice making new friends will help with his confidence and social skills. Martial arts like Judo (as this is more gentle) are inexpensive and good for this.

Are you saying that the school should override the parent? That if a parent has told their child not to play with another child then they school should then tell them it's fine?

Good for her. Her son should not be playing with a boy who hitss him and then tells on him when he hits him back. He is better staying away from your son.

The school is in loco parentis. If the parent thinks their child shouldn’t play with another child, they have to go through the school. It protects all children concerned and prevents adult on child bullying. It also ensures parents don’t involve themselves in children’s squabbles. Arguments often blow over quickly. The parents get to decide who plays with whom outside the school gates, not inside.

If there is a good reason to keep children apart, a cooperative school will keep an eye out and/or keep them apart. It doesn’t sound as if it’s at this stage atm so op would be correct to chat with the class teacher about what is happening.

@Mummyoflittledragon

The school is in loco parentis. If the parent thinks their child shouldn’t play with another child, they have to go through the school. It protects all children concerned and prevents adult on child bullying. It also ensures parents don’t involve themselves in children’s squabbles. Arguments often blow over quickly. The parents get to decide who plays with whom outside the school gates, not inside.

If there is a good reason to keep children apart, a cooperative school will keep an eye out and/or keep them apart. It doesn’t sound as if it’s at this stage atm so op would be correct to chat with the class teacher about what is happening.

That’s not correct the parent can tell the child not to play with another child and the child should absolutely obey.

I’m really stunned you think a parents rules no longer apply when the kid goes into school and the school decides who kids play with irrelevant of what guidance rhe parent has given.

How odd to think that. The teacher cannot over rule the parent in this context and the decision is a sound one.

She has overreacted. She shouldn't be meddling with the friendship, but it does sound like your son and the other boys need to stop hitting one another. If it happens constantly then she may have a point, but regardless if the boys want to be friends then she is wasting her time. Eventually they will play together again. I would be bright and breezy about it. If she mentions it, I would laugh it off and say that I prefer not to get over involved with friendship squabbles. In the meantime, encourage your ds to make other friends and invite someone else round to play.

Orchidsonthetable.
Schools won't overrule a parent as such but also will not enforce any parental decision that a child should not play with another. If the child was in my class, I would also insist that the children are kind and friendly to one another even if they decide not to play with each other at playtime. Schools are communities in themselves.

Your post is weird and self centred.

You're expecting her to prioritise your child over her own when handling this situation.

They're equally to blame for the fighting. She's punishing her child by not letting them play together to avoid further incidents. And that's fair enough.

I don’t get what she’s done wrong. Your children both keep hitting each other apparently.

My stance would be since you can’t play nicely you are not playing together, simple. It’s a punishment for her child that he doesn’t get to play with his best friend. She’s not using it as a punishment for your child, it’s just your child doesn’t have others to play with so it feels like it is a punishment for him.

Do you really want him playing with someone who regularly hits him anyway? Friends both sides don’t regularly hit each other that’s not friendship not at 8.

I think your did your son a disservice by insisting they are best friends - children need a variety of friends as you’re about to find out - encouraging one friendship is always a bad idea.

I was thinking about this last night, I feel very sorry for your son. It’s awful being the unpopular kid and it’s quite extreme that not one other child is wishing to play with him, that he is sat alone.

But the mother has done nothing to him. He’s done it to himself really. And you both need to take personal responsibility for his or even your part in this from why he has no one else, through to why he hit but told when the other kid did.

I think you need to take some time to try to understand why no other child wants to play with him, not just put it down to “social awkwardness”. What is it he has been struggling with and how to over come it. How does this social awkwardness manifest itself? Also how has he treated the other children?

And I think you need to speak to the teacher, accept he won’t play with this boy any more, they are fighting too much and need to be kept apart, but work out how he can extend his social circle and make new friends as this is the healthiest way forward for him.

It’s easier to say well this is all the mums fault. But thay doesn’t help your son and is actually untrue and unfair. Right now your son needs help and support to get himself out of this situation that he played no small part in getting himself into, and I think you also bear some responsibility, it seems the other kid does have other friends, and helping your child develop other friendships over the years would have been the correct way to help him. Especially if you were fully aware there were issues there.

If the boys are constantly hitting and fighting, then it would seem that the friendship isnt going so well at the moment and they should spend some time apart. That doesnt mean they wont be friends in the future but they might be better friends if their friendship wasnt quite so exclusive.

My DS quite often got into trouble at that age for playing 'rough'. He wasn't the only one - they seemed to take it in turns in his group! Sometimes I'd tell him to avoid a particular kid for a few days, just to break the cycle, whether he was the one who was hit or the one that got caught. I didn't ever mean him to not ever play with them ever again. I'd also continue to be friendly to the Mum and respect her decision, as they respect mine.
It IS hard to see their sad little faces. They think it's the end of the world. It blows over, til the next time. Plus they grow out of it.

I 100% think they should stay apart if there is hitting on a daily basis. It frustrates me that you seem to think hitting between the boys is not a big deal. It is, and both parents and school should clamp down on it.

My DS quite often got into trouble at that age for playing 'rough

Hitting is not playing rough. Don’t play it down. No child or adult should hit someone, or he hit.

There’s two sides to a story. Perhaps your DS has been hitting her son sometimes too as part of rough and tumble so her DS was just doing this but he got caught. I only say this because I know my very gentle and quiet DS went through a stage of telling me people were attacking him at school so I approached the teacher who told me they all played wrestling together in the playground sometimes so he was equally culpable. I’d just pull her to one side and discuss it with her or send her a quick text.

@iffypiffy How's it going for your son this week?
Hope he's happier with going in now?

For some reason I thought this was thread was days old.
How's it going for him today then? 💐

She’s behaving kindly and well. Protecting both the children from fighting is parenting.

To be honest though, your kid is eight, he knows full well he was trying to get his friend into trouble for doing exactly what he himself had done the day before. . 👏