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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like my friend has done a cruel thing to my DS?

121 replies

Iffypiffy · 08/03/2022 11:58

I have a very good school mum friend, who we have known for the best part of five years. Our children are also best friends. In five years, everything has been great and she has been a wonderful friend.

Our sons are 8 and spend a lot of time together (their choice) and have the kind of relationship where they will occasionally squabble, are not friends for 5 minutes and then everything is fine again.

Last week the teacher spoke to her about her son and another boy about hitting my son. She was embarrassed and I think she was a bit put out that her son had been told off, when mine probably does the same thing occasionally and it goes unnoticed.

Anyway, it looks like she has told her son that he is not to play with my son at school anymore. They also made an excuse not to walk home with us yesterday.

I do feel a bit upset about it because my son struggles socially and he has gone from playing with his best friend everyday to being upset that he has no one to play with. I can't help but feel that my friend has been cruel by doing this to my son.

Nothing seems to have changed in our friendship, but I can't help feeling sad that she would put my son in a position where he is unhappy at school and saying he doesn't want to go anymore.

I don't know what to do and don't know what to say to her

OP posts:

Orchidsonthetable · 08/03/2022 14:40

[quote Iffypiffy]@theoriginalemu It's seems like she's blaming my son for being hit by her son. My son now says that he won't tell anyone in future if someone does something mean to him because it means he won't be able to play with anyone [/quote]
I don’t really understand this becayse you say it’s likely your son is doing rhe same thing and hitting her son, but he tells the teacher when it’s done to him but the boys don’t tell the teacher when your son hits them?

It does sound like fighting. It is hard if your son is socially awkward and this is his only friend, so I would try to work with him and the school to extend that and help him make other friends. It sounds like the other boy does have other friends?

Maybe the relationship is just too intense now and the other mum is right, they do keep fighting so it’s best they are kept apart. No one should be hitting anyone and it seems both kids are at it.

Retrievemysanity · 08/03/2022 14:43

She’s probably annoyed that her son got into trouble for hitting yours when yours has done the same and not got into trouble. She’s looking out for her own child which is fair enough. Kids fall out all the time and I don’t get involved in my children’s day to day friend issues but it becomes my issue if it escalates so much that a teacher speaks to me about it. I understand you’re upset for your DS but your friend hasn’t done anything wrong.

Wnikat · 08/03/2022 14:44

Hang on, if her kid has been told off for hitting your kid, of course she’s told him not to play with yours anymore?? She probably assumes your kid wants to avoid someone who has been bullying him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/03/2022 14:48

I don't think she's being deliberately cruel to your son - I think she's trying to keep her own out of trouble.

Whether or not your son hit hers first, and wasn't caught, whereas her son was caught - or he just said that to mitigate the fact of him hitting your son - we don't know.

But she's clearly feeling embarrassed at having been called about her son's behaviour, and is trying to avoid a repeat - and for her, the easiest way to do that is to keep the boys apart.

I know that, in the past, I've considered stopping my DS from going to his friend's house to play if he's misbehaved - but then realised that that action would also punish his friend, who is expecting him and would be upset by him not going - so have altered the consequences of DS's misbehaviour, so that it doesn't adversely affect the other child. But maybe your son's friend's mum just didn't think about your son at all, and how it would affect him - she's just, as I said, trying to prevent a recurrence of the hitting episode(s).

lobsteroll · 08/03/2022 14:48

[quote Iffypiffy]@WabbitsAndWeasels because on the day it happened, she told me what the teacher had said, never apologised for her son hitting mine and straight away said 'but ds said your son hit him yesterday' like that made it okay.[/quote]
Kids that age shouldn't be walloping each other at school. They probably do need a break from each other. And it will be good for your son to try and make more friends rather than relying on that one friendship. It will be hard at first especially if this is his comfort zone but he will thank you in the long run.

KoalafiedAwesome · 08/03/2022 14:51

Children should not be being encouraged to be in relationships where hitting is deemed appropriate.

Her advising her son to stay away due to fighting is totally the correct thing to do.

Prinnny · 08/03/2022 14:58

Sorry your being ridiculous OP. She’s probably sick of both boys fighting and now the school has become involved she’s told her son to stay away from yours to prevent any reoccurrence. She’s not being cruel at all.

Maybe work on building your son a wider friendship group so he’s not so fixated on this boy and get him to stop hitting too.

incognitoforthisone · 08/03/2022 15:04

I don't think she's being cruel to your son. You said that her son and yours have the sort of relationship where they often squabble and then make friends again, and obviously there's been some issue in the playground where her son was hitting yours.

My guess is that - not unreasonably - this other mum is just fed up to the back teeth with all the squabbling and fighting and thinks your son and hers just bring out the worst in each other. She probably thinks that the constant cycle of fighting and being miserable and then being friends again and then repeating that process over and over again isn't really doing either of them any good - particularly if the other friendships her son has are more harmonious.

It's not her fault that your son struggles socially and doesn't have other friends. That's an issue for you to address and work on, not her. Her priority is her own son, quite rightly.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 08/03/2022 15:05

She's not being cruel. She's being sensible. You've admitted the boys sometimes squabble and hit each other. But it's only her son who got into trouble in school.

The boys need a break from each other.

Desmondo2021 · 08/03/2022 15:07

You've been friends for 5 years!! Is asking her about it not an option??

cherryonthecakes · 08/03/2022 15:07

Yabvu

Do you really want your son thinking that it's better to have a friend who hits you than not to have them as a friend? Obviously not right?

Do you have more than one child? When they are in a squabbling kind of mood don't you separate them in different areas for a while? That's because kids need some space from each other sometimes. Your friend is right to tell her son to not play with your son. They should have long left the stage of hitting when annoyed. This is what your friend means by her comment about them fighting.

Ask the school for some help with your son's self esteem to help his social confidence. He's probably had PSHE lessons on what constitutes a good friend and hitting does not feature on that list. You want your son to realise and act when people are not being good friends rather than be a doormat going back for more.

Maybe the boys are starting to drift apart. My son had a falling out with his best friend when he was 7 and to cut a long story short the other boy had to be kept away from mine because he was too intense and preventing my son from even talking to other boys. They became polite friends later but the split was necessary for both boys. The other boy had support with his social skills and became more popular.

Remember that your friend is looking out for her son in the same way that you are looking out for yours. She doesn't want her son to keep on hitting and become a bully long term so is trying this technique to see if it helps. I think she's being reasonable tbh

The boys are friends because you and his mum are friends. You can still be her friend even though the boys aren't.

incognitoforthisone · 08/03/2022 15:08

on the day it happened, she told me what the teacher had said, never apologised for her son hitting mine and straight away said 'but ds said your son hit him yesterday' like that made it okay

It doesn't make it OK, but what it does suggest is that the situation is a case of 'six of one, half a dozen of the other' and not a case of her son being a bully and your son being a victim. And it also reinforces my view that she's probably right to stop them playing together. They clearly can't play together nicely for any length of time without fighting and squabbling.

Arabellla · 08/03/2022 15:09

Well she’s shown her true colours.

Don’t run after her, as op said, speak to the teacher about supporting your son in making new friends.

Vapeyvapevape · 08/03/2022 15:19

Whatever your friend's reasons are for not allowing her son to play with yours , she could have at least explained them to you .

Lndnmummy · 08/03/2022 15:29

As much as you can, try to take the high road with school and friendships. It pays off in the long run. Smile nicely to her and chat to her ds when you see him. It will blow over and if the boys are genuine friends this will blow over. And when it does, you'll want to have been the bigger person. In the meantime, you need to work out how you can help your son socially. Being this dependent on one friend is never a good idea.

SeasonFinale · 08/03/2022 15:35

@Arabellla

Well she’s shown her true colours.

Don’t run after her, as op said, speak to the teacher about supporting your son in making new friends.

Yes her true colours

She is preventing her son from hitting OP's son and stopping her child from getting into trouble. OP says their own friendship us carrying on as usual.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 08/03/2022 15:40

No. She's not done q cruel thing. She's removed as far as she can her son from repeated fighting.

That's what we all tell our children isn't it?
Stay away from children you aren't getting along with? Find others to play with?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/03/2022 15:43

As the Mum of a child with social problems in the past - yes it does sting but I don't think the other Mum has been unkind. If the boys aren't playing well together and they're fighting and getting each other into trouble then it's normal to separate them for a while.

I'm sorry that now your DS has no-one else to play with. He might have become over-reliant on one friend - that can happen if he has social issues. Can you address that with the teacher? And can you give him any other social opportunities, maybe a structured activity like Scouts or a sports (etc) club or class?

My son now says that he won't tell anyone in future if someone does something mean to him because it means he won't be able to play with anyone

In a way your DS is right, he does need to understand that if he complains to an adult then the adults may separate them. Very useful if he was being bullied or ganged up on, but not so good if it's just give and take. And as gets older he will need friendships that don't involve fighting.

Didioverstep · 08/03/2022 15:43

Actually I think she is being sensible. Her son did something wrong to a friend and she's teaching him you don't hurt friends. She could have spoken to you about it but it's a school issue and maybe she wants to keep it as that. My son has been hit before. He told me and I said don't play with them then. He doesn't now. His 'friend' isn't happy about it. My son can play if he wants but he doesn't want to. That's a consequence of being horrible to someone. Why don't you speak to her and say your son still wants to play and also help your son to make other friendships too.

WorraLiberty · 08/03/2022 15:45

[quote Iffypiffy]@theoriginalemu It's seems like she's blaming my son for being hit by her son. My son now says that he won't tell anyone in future if someone does something mean to him because it means he won't be able to play with anyone [/quote]
She's not blaming your son, she's probably just had a belly full of it so she's giving hers time out - apart.

What you need to look at is encouraging your son to make more friends.

This one child is not responsible for yours not having anyone else to play with.

PatchworkElmer · 08/03/2022 16:03

We’ve had vaguely similar issues in the past here. We’ve always stepped back socially (things like walking home together) too. Ultimately kids hitting each other every day is a sign of an unhealthy relationship, and I don’t want to endorse that relationship by spending time with that child and their family outside school. Take a breather, encourage other friendships. You might find they play better with a bit of a break (as much as they can have a break when they see each other at school).

Butchyrestingface · 08/03/2022 16:09

YABU. They are hitting each other but only her son has to apologise because her kid isn't reporting your son when he is the one doing the hitting.

Sounds like she's taking a sensible approach.

GooglyEyeballs · 08/03/2022 16:37

I think you're being wayyyy over sensitive. She's just parenting her kid. Now you parent yours. Don't teach him to moan about how unfair life is, teach him to use it as an opportunity to make new friends - a valuable life skill. Kids fight and fall out and make up and change friends. It's normal.

By the sounds of it both the kids have been hitting each other, neither of you have apologised so let the dust settle and things will work out.

Dixiechickonhols · 08/03/2022 16:46

I don’t think she’s done anything wrong at all she’s sensibly wanting them apart for a bit as they’re fighting. If they aren’t getting on they could do with a bit of space or they will end up in trouble or hurt. It’s good to play with other people and diffuse things. It’s not her fault your child hasn’t got another friend an to be honest it’s probably a good thing it’s brought it out in open.

RedPinkRose · 08/03/2022 17:54

I think she’s just really embarrassed and may feel there’s been an injustice because the boys have a brotherly relationship and ‘keep hitting one another’ and yet only she has been spoken to about her ds hitting yours. Also, might she possibly suspect that your ds told on his friend?

I would respect her distance for a while. With regards to what you tell your ds, I’d probably just go along the lines of let’s just respect that your friend has been told by his mum to keep a distance for a while so there’s no more trouble in school.

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