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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like my friend has done a cruel thing to my DS?

121 replies

Iffypiffy · 08/03/2022 11:58

I have a very good school mum friend, who we have known for the best part of five years. Our children are also best friends. In five years, everything has been great and she has been a wonderful friend.

Our sons are 8 and spend a lot of time together (their choice) and have the kind of relationship where they will occasionally squabble, are not friends for 5 minutes and then everything is fine again.

Last week the teacher spoke to her about her son and another boy about hitting my son. She was embarrassed and I think she was a bit put out that her son had been told off, when mine probably does the same thing occasionally and it goes unnoticed.

Anyway, it looks like she has told her son that he is not to play with my son at school anymore. They also made an excuse not to walk home with us yesterday.

I do feel a bit upset about it because my son struggles socially and he has gone from playing with his best friend everyday to being upset that he has no one to play with. I can't help but feel that my friend has been cruel by doing this to my son.

Nothing seems to have changed in our friendship, but I can't help feeling sad that she would put my son in a position where he is unhappy at school and saying he doesn't want to go anymore.

I don't know what to do and don't know what to say to her

OP posts:

AchillesPoirot · 08/03/2022 12:31

It doesn’t sound a healthy friendship. I’d be distancing myself and my child too - hitting each other and fighting is not behaviour I’d want to be happening

stupidandconcearned · 08/03/2022 12:34

Well has they appear to be hitting each other I can see why
But the best thing to do is discuss it with her
Its sounds like they have both been hitting which isn't really friends

ScatteredMama82 · 08/03/2022 12:37

Sorry to be blunt OP, but why are you encouraging your son to be such good friends with a child who hits him? And it sounds like there was an incident where your friends son and another child were both hitting him? Instead of focusing on staying friends with this child, I would build up his self esteem and work on forming other friendships. Trust me, you will be doing him a favour in teaching him that not everyone is nice and sometimes you need to focus on other friendships.

Gardeningcreature · 08/03/2022 12:38

I don’t think she has done anything wrong, she is doing what she thinks is best.
You need to specifically and firmly explain that hitting anyone is not acceptable.
It’s absolutely not fine to brush this aside. Your son needs to be shown other ways of coping with frustration than lashing out hitting.
I also think it’s vital to explain to children that they do not have to tolerate people or behaviours which make them uncomfortable.
As an adult I do not socialise with those I don’t like. Harsh but fair.
You son needs to find other friends and you need to help him deal with the fact that this friendship may be on the wane.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2022 12:44

The school decides if the boys are allowed to play together, not the parent. They are in loco parentis whilst the children are at school.

At pick up this evening, you should ask to talk the teacher and as if there is any ban in place. The teachers will be able to tell the boys they are allowed to play together and keep an eye out.

You can also encourage other friendships. Talk about play dates with other boys or even girls if he is friends with any - I know by this age they’re starting to separate out a bit.

Does your ds doing any clubs or after school activities? Both getting him busy and meeting new children, hence giving him the opportunity to practice making new friends will help with his confidence and social skills. Martial arts like Judo (as this is more gentle) are inexpensive and good for this.

gingerhills · 08/03/2022 12:45

[quote Iffypiffy]@theoriginalemu It's seems like she's blaming my son for being hit by her son. My son now says that he won't tell anyone in future if someone does something mean to him because it means he won't be able to play with anyone [/quote]
You need to address this. You seem to agree that being with people who hurt you is better than time on your own. Please don't convey this message to him. It's rock-bottom self worth.

He absolutely shouldn't be putting up with being hit just so he isn't socially isolated. He needs to develop a stronger sense of his own self worth than this. Explain to him that it is better to enjoy your own company for a while than to play with people who hurt you. And that he was right and brave to say what they were doing. if he hadn't it might have got worse and he could have got badly hurt or felt very sad.

Then speak to his teachers about helping him play with a wider range of children. for all you know, he has no friends because he;s been hanging out wiht the class bully.

What is he interested in and good at? Ask the teacher to pair him with a child with similar interests or a child who also lacks some social confidence but who is kind.

whumpthereitis · 08/03/2022 12:46

‘You keep fighting’ - doesn’t sound like she’s blaming your son any more than she’s blaming her own. She may be annoyed that her son was the only one punished for it if they’re both doing it, but it doesn’t sound like she’s claiming her son is innocent.

I can see why she’d want to separate her son from yours. It’s better they don’t play together than have this continuously happen.

itsjustnotok · 08/03/2022 12:46

@Iffypiffy sorry but this is the time that you need to stay out if it. Yes it’s sucks for your son but if she’s saying they are fighting too much then she needs to put her son first and perhaps they need a break. This was my DD a year or so back. They were awful at times together. In the end after a lengthy period of time I told her no more because every day she’d had a bad day. I don’t regret it because either she was crying or arguing. I even found her crying in bed. Sorry but your friend is your friend. Your sons you need to deal with as a separate issue if there are problems. She is not responsible for making your child happy.

Polyanthus2 · 08/03/2022 12:48

She is deliberately making your DS unhappy to compensate for the fact that her son is a bully and yours most likely isn't. By pretending that they are both fighting it lets her son off.
she is being ridiculous but also spiteful

stupidandconcearned · 08/03/2022 12:51

@Polyanthus2 how can we know this OP has said her son probably has hit him as well ? And if the other child is a bully the mum talking him to stay away is the right thing surely

Hoppinggreen · 08/03/2022 12:52

When DD or DS was ever accused of upsetting another child at school I told them to stay away from that child for everyone’s sake.
It wasn’t spiteful, it was a way or making sure there was no more trouble , especially if I wasn’t sure who was at fault or it looked like there were issues on both sides.
I usually just said if you can’t get along then don’t play with them or something similar so maybe it’s something like that in this case too?

Polyanthus2 · 08/03/2022 12:54

Two boys were doing the hitting. Teacher seemed confident enough to raise it with the mother.

Marjoriesdoor · 08/03/2022 12:56

It sounds like the dynamic of this friendship isn't really working for either of them. I think you need to encourage your son to make more friends so that he is not so reliant on this one boy - that isn't fair on either of them and is actually very isolating for them both.

Yes, the other boy shouldn't have hit him and maybe he's not a great friend to have anyway, but ultimately it's a lot of responsibility to basically say to a child "you have to play with my son every single day because otherwise he will be lonely." It's not healthy for either of the boys.

ChoiceMummy · 08/03/2022 12:57

[quote Iffypiffy]@WabbitsAndWeasels because on the day it happened, she told me what the teacher had said, never apologised for her son hitting mine and straight away said 'but ds said your son hit him yesterday' like that made it okay.[/quote]
Did you equally apologise then for your son hitting hers the day before?

Sadly, in these circumstances the parent wishes to not have their child told off or for the parents to be spoken to by the teacher, so she's done what she feels is appropriate for her child in this same situation.

Your child is irrelevant to that decision that she makes as a parent.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 08/03/2022 13:00

Your son hit hers, her son hit yours, she is doing the sensible thing by telling her son to stay away.

The fact that you see this as a punishment and the way your son has reacted speaks volumes.

She is parenting her child, simple as that.

Wtfdoipick · 08/03/2022 13:01

Even if that is the case @polyanthus2 and it is totally one sided then telling her son to stay away from the ops is still the right thing to do as it protects the ops son from being hit

Hankunamatata · 08/03/2022 13:04

It sound like the other mum is cheesed off with the friendship dynamic and it's all a bit too intense. I'd be saying the same to my son 🤷‍♀️

stupidandconcearned · 08/03/2022 13:04

@Polyanthus2 on that occasion but op said herself her son ha probably hit but just not been seen
But either way the person would be right if the other child was bullying to tel him to stay away

Ohfgsnotagain · 08/03/2022 13:05

I don’t think what she’s done is wrong.

I have a child in reception, my DC and another DC play together a lot and yet seem to squabble a lot and causes both to be upset. I have told my child to take a break from playing together and to play with others in their class, so has parent of other child and so has their teacher.

Dawnofthefed · 08/03/2022 13:06

I would tell my son to keep away from someone if they were hitting each other on a daily basis too particularly if he was getting into trouble for it. It's the sensible thing to do.

Unsure33 · 08/03/2022 13:07

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno

Your son hit hers, her son hit yours, she is doing the sensible thing by telling her son to stay away.

The fact that you see this as a punishment and the way your son has reacted speaks volumes.

She is parenting her child, simple as that.

I agree .

I think she is doing the right thing . She is making her son realise there are consequences to his actions .

TheUndoingProject · 08/03/2022 13:10

I don’t think she’s being deliberately cruel, I think she’s just trying to make sure the boys have a bit of space from what sounds like quite an intense friendship. If they are frequently hitting each other I think it’s sensible that the teachers and parents take some kind of action.

Liveandkicking · 08/03/2022 13:12

@Iffypiffy

I overheard her son saying to her 'you said we could play together after school, just not in school' but she said 'no, we're not playing after school either because you keep fighting'.

She might be just frustrated with her son and this is the consequence for her child of hurting your son. She probably isn’t intending it to be permanent or aimed at hurting your son.

Freddiefox · 08/03/2022 13:12

She’s not done anything wrong. She’s stopping her child from getting in trouble.

You can either acknowledge that the children are growing up and my develop interested apart from
each other, and try to develop the relationship between you and mum without the children.

Try to keep the relationship between you stand mum light and happy and encourage your child to play with others.

She’s right to try to put a stop to this fighting particularly if her child is being told off.

TricksAnd · 08/03/2022 13:13

I can understand her point of view. 8 is too old to be hitting.

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