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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like my friend has done a cruel thing to my DS?

121 replies

Iffypiffy · 08/03/2022 11:58

I have a very good school mum friend, who we have known for the best part of five years. Our children are also best friends. In five years, everything has been great and she has been a wonderful friend.

Our sons are 8 and spend a lot of time together (their choice) and have the kind of relationship where they will occasionally squabble, are not friends for 5 minutes and then everything is fine again.

Last week the teacher spoke to her about her son and another boy about hitting my son. She was embarrassed and I think she was a bit put out that her son had been told off, when mine probably does the same thing occasionally and it goes unnoticed.

Anyway, it looks like she has told her son that he is not to play with my son at school anymore. They also made an excuse not to walk home with us yesterday.

I do feel a bit upset about it because my son struggles socially and he has gone from playing with his best friend everyday to being upset that he has no one to play with. I can't help but feel that my friend has been cruel by doing this to my son.

Nothing seems to have changed in our friendship, but I can't help feeling sad that she would put my son in a position where he is unhappy at school and saying he doesn't want to go anymore.

I don't know what to do and don't know what to say to her

OP posts:

Sally872 · 08/03/2022 13:15

[quote Iffypiffy]@WabbitsAndWeasels because on the day it happened, she told me what the teacher had said, never apologised for her son hitting mine and straight away said 'but ds said your son hit him yesterday' like that made it okay.[/quote]
What was your response?
I suspect your response to this is why she is in a huff. Hard to say if that is reasonable or not without knowing what was said.

RealBecca · 08/03/2022 13:19

It sounds like they're friends one minute and fighting the next, both to blame.

Sounds like she thinks the way to stop the behaviour is to seperate them. Shes not wrong.

Hopefully they will both now cultivate healthy friendships without hitting.

IdentifyingAsAPrincess · 08/03/2022 13:21

I'd do what she's doing too, it's unhealthy that kids don't remember that they have a whole class of kids to be friends with and go back to the same unhealthy friendships.

She doesn't need to apologise to you for a class fight between her child and yours, especially when yours hit hers the day before.
Move on, let the kids move on.

grapewines · 08/03/2022 13:27

Yeah, she's doing the right thing. Your son shouldn't be friends with someone that hits him, and he shouldn't hit anyone. He's 8.

chillied · 08/03/2022 13:30

You and she have a friendship. The two DSs have a separate relationship. In the DS relationship it sounds like they need space now to see if they can be friends in the future without fighting. You can help your DS cultivate a wider set / new friends, by liaising with the teacher, being proact8ve with playdates.

Your friendship with your friend can be separate. I really liked the person who was the mother of my DS's bully. I liaise with the school about keeping DS safe. I would chat on the walk to school / waiting with my pal, about her life and mine. Never about the toxic relationship between our kids. that was all dealt with though the school direct. Extreme example, but you can continue a friendship with someone YOU like without involving the kids.

Ohmybod · 08/03/2022 13:33

[quote Iffypiffy]@theoriginalemu It's seems like she's blaming my son for being hit by her son. My son now says that he won't tell anyone in future if someone does something mean to him because it means he won't be able to play with anyone [/quote]
Your friend hasn’t done anything cruel to your DS. Your reaction to this situation is what’s important. People will always make decisions which impact your kids and you have to prepare them and help them understand and adapt. The best place to start would be to have an actual conversation with her about it instead of grabbing snippets of chat with her son and asking her 8 yr old and making assumptions from that…

Ohmybod · 08/03/2022 13:34

That should read…Asking YOUR 8 yr old…

Xmassprout · 08/03/2022 13:34

If they keep fighting then it sounds a good idea to keep them separated. It's not really relevant who hits who, if your boy is the one always getting hit I would have thought you'd be happy to keep them separate?

AskingforaBaskin · 08/03/2022 13:36

Your son is not her concern. She doesn't have to consider how he feels?l, what other friends he has or how her parenting affects him.

She has done the right thing. And if you keep raising your child to have the same victim mindset you have he's going to have more problems.

jytdtysrht · 08/03/2022 13:36

It might be that they will change friends. Friends chosen at 3/4 might not the the same as friends at 8.

sonjadog · 08/03/2022 13:37

I think she wants the hitting to stop and is now encouraging her son to create other friendships. It might well be that her son and yours become friends again at a later stage, but surely you also think it is a good thing to break this dynamic of hitting each other? I can understand that it is difficult for your son if he doesn't have other friends, but maybe then this is a good opportunity for him to get to know other people? It isn't very healthy for anyone to be so heavily dependent on one person for all friendship.

DomesticatedZombie · 08/03/2022 13:37

@Iffypiffy

I overheard her son saying to her 'you said we could play together after school, just not in school' but she said 'no, we're not playing after school either because you keep fighting'.

That's pretty reasonable, really. Perhaps she's trying to protect your son and teach her son not to fight?

LizzoBennett · 08/03/2022 13:44

Your friend probably doesn't want to embarrassment of having to speak with the teacher about violence again. They are both too old for hitting and it does sound like they have outgrown the friendship. She's still friendly with you though so it isn't as if she is being irrational. She has made a clear decision that her son will benefit from making new friends. Perhaps yours will do the same. It isn't her concern that your child is socially awkward. Harsh but true.

Honeyroar · 08/03/2022 13:45

I think she’s doing right. They’re falling out to the extent that they’re hitting each other and getting pulled up by teachers. She’s trying to stop it. You’re wanting to ignore it and carry on..

TheWayTheLightFalls · 08/03/2022 13:46

I think her behaviour is fine wrt the kids, but with this deep a friendship I think she owes you a message or meetup explaining where she’s at. Her behaviour comes across as cruel.

Lunificent · 08/03/2022 13:51

She has gone over the top banning her son from playing with yours. No doubt she wants to avoid any further trouble, but she possibly won’t be able to help herself feeling bitter about you and your son. It’s not fair, but it's her way of dealing with a perceived attack in her family.

steff13 · 08/03/2022 13:52

@Iffypiffy

I overheard her son saying to her 'you said we could play together after school, just not in school' but she said 'no, we're not playing after school either because you keep fighting'.

She sounds completely reasonable.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 08/03/2022 13:56

I would ask what is going on. If you were good friends, you should be able to solve the problem for the sake of children. Maybe she has good reason to believe it's for the best for both children, or there could be a misunderstanding. You need to find out.
Why are they fighting so much anyway to the extent that gets physical and teacher needs to intervene?

Fundays12 · 08/03/2022 14:15

In this situation I would keep my son back too. If the kids are fighting or one is hitting the other or both are doing it at various stages it's not a healthy friendship. They are at the age they are learning hugely about friendships and this is negative for both of them long term. At 8 neither should be hitting or biting etc.

50DaysAF · 08/03/2022 14:19

I also agree she done the right thing. It might just be a temporary measure to try and break the habit.

My DS gets very overexcited with certain friends. I would prefer he played with the ones who have a calming effect. I don’t want him being hit and I don’t want him hitting.

Speak to the teacher about widening his friendship circle and explain to your child that being hit (and doing the hitting) is unacceptable.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 08/03/2022 14:30

Agree that she is likely just fed up of the hitting and doesn't want her DC to continue to get into trouble. Might be a good time to encourage your ds to branch out a bit and try to develop some other friendships. You could speak to his teacher and ask if that is something that can be supported in school.

ddl1 · 08/03/2022 14:31

Check on what was actually said. It's possible, for example, that she told her son to 'leave OP's son alone' and he took it literally. If she really did tell her son not to play with your son, that is pretty cruel. Could she have thought that your son exaggerated or invented the hitting episode to get her little darling into trouble? In any case, you need to talk to her to find out what happened.

Orchidsonthetable · 08/03/2022 14:35

I think this isn’t about your son. It’s about her son. She’s sick of them fighting and is putting a stop to it. Yes your son faces the repercussions of this but it’s not to punish your son.

On the flip side, what occured that caused the boys to hit him? That seems very drastic indeed. Kids can be little shits and I’m assuming there was an argument befor hand?

steff13 · 08/03/2022 14:35

@Polyanthus2

She is deliberately making your DS unhappy to compensate for the fact that her son is a bully and yours most likely isn't. By pretending that they are both fighting it lets her son off. she is being ridiculous but also spiteful

I don't agree with your assessment; it seems like they are both hitting each other.

But, assuming you are correct, how would you resolve this? Surely telling her son not to play with OP's son is a fair resolution.

worriedatthistime · 08/03/2022 14:36

I mean have told my own kids at times if they can't play nicely together then don't play together at all

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