to feel my hackles rise when MIL refers to 'our baby'?

[Fragolina]

I am 40 weeks pregnant with mine and DHs first baby, and every time my MIL talks about the lo, she calls it 'our baby'. Ugh, its really starting to irritate me in a big way. Yes, its her grandchild, and I am more than happy for her to be involved, but unless she was involved in conception/pushing it out, she's not entitled to call it 'our baby' - I am NOT having a baby with her but with DH. AIBU? Maybe my hormones are making me overreact.

Any advice on how I can make her stop?

I'm also being driven insane slowly but surely by her 'helpful' suggestions about babies, e.g that breastfed babies need to drink water (they don't, as I have explained to her, with the reasons why). She then called her brother's wife in the USA, who'd had a baby last year, to ask her about it, and then called me back to say 'Oh, I asked X about why babies aren't to be given water nowadays, and she said she gave her baby water and chamomile, right from the start and he was fine'. I was very restrained, and just changed the subject.

She has also been going on and on about Nappisan, and sterilising all the baby clothes - I have NO intention of doing this, total farting about IMO, especially because I'm not planning on using re-usable nappies. I've told her this politely, but she has now gone off to find me a baby bath, which she is justifying by saying that even if I or lo don't like it, I can use it to soak baby clothes in.

I do feel sorry for her, as she is lonely and wants to be involved with her first grandchild, BUT she's starting to seriously p*ss me off. She doesn't dare say any of this crap to DH because he'd seriously tell her where to get off. I ususally just ignore her when she goes off on one of her rants/tangents, but find myself getting increasingly annoyed.

Phew - feel better now that I've let off some steam. Any helpful hints (apart from return her to the shop for a nicer/more tactful/sensitive model)?

If she wouldn't do it to DH then she must know it's irritating for you. Why don't you ask DH to have a quiet word with her?

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, as she is obviously so happy for you and excited about the baby. Just remember that you are likely to have a willing babysitter!

just let her enjoy it i think you are being a bit unreasonable she is excited well thrilled im sure and there maybe a time when your really are grateful and happy that she wants to build a fantastic relationship with the baby and with u too

dont knock it too much

as a mum you need to learn to share

hope all goes well hunni

I'm sorry, but I do think you are being unreasonable. The baby is HER baby's baby if that makes sense, my DC were always called "our baby" by my Mum and I didn't have a problem with it.

Re the "advice", it is well meaning, but I don't think YABU about this point, maybe ask DH to tlel her that if you are worried about anything you'll ask her, but in the meantime you are getting advice from everybody and its driving you mad trying to work it all out (or similar)

try to give her a role so that she is involved in a way that you can control.

Youve already mastered the vague smile, sounds like you'll handle her fine!

I give mine jobs to do, little things to go and find out about (but NOT buy). Mine reads the Daily Mail and cuts me out useful articles too. I was especially amused as she had been amazed and disbelieving when I told her babies cant have salt. I got the lecture about modern ideas and how modern mums make such a fuss. Six months later she phoned to say she had posted me an important article about salt, she was quite worried! I nodded and smiled (the verbal equivalent on the phone) and made reassuring noises

Matresses take a while to research, she will get to go shopping but cant buy one because she doesnt know what size cot. Night lights take a while too, and if she does buy one its non essential.

Wish I was as succinct as witchandchips!

It does sound a bit irritating but... You'll be sooooo grateful to have a willing and trustworthy babysitter though, I really wouldn't get worked up about things, just smile sweetly and do things the way YOU want to do them. Some of the advice I've had from my mum and my m-i-l has been lunacy and some has been very useful. Ignore the nonsense and focus on the good bits!

Buy her this book www.amazon.co.uk/Good-Granny-Guide-Modern-Grandmother/dp/1904977707/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1 199453724&sr=1-1.

You can dress it up as a thoughtful gift for a new Granny who is very excited but its packed full of the kind of 'don't give advice unless its asked for' kind of advice. Win win I think!

sterilising babys clothes ???

And I'd like to add that I don't think you are unreasonable to be irritated esp about the unwanted advice (get dh to have a word) but it IS nice that she is excited and you will be able to turn this to your advantage in the future when you need some help. Just make sure you nip any unhelpful behaviours in the bud early (dh's job again ) as if you grin and bear it too long it becomes much much harder to tell her

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Mil still refers to my daughter as 'my little girl' now and she's 3.. it is highly irritating..

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YANBU to be driven mad, but like everyone said, you have to develop strategies to cope, and not let it be an issue between you and DH. My new years resolution is to be more professional, and less personal, and I think relationships with the wider family is one area where it will pay dividends.

I just used to smile with my MIL and carry on my own way-she just got used to it and we never argued. Occasionally we were in agreement.You have to allow for the fact that she is naturally excited and it is 'her' baby (it wouldn't come into existance if she hadn't produced her son!). When you have children the wider family is important. You have to bear in mind that the baby may be more like your MIL than you!!! I have just seen a photo of someone's 14 yr old grandaughter and they are as alike as 2 peas in a pod!

Agree with the others - smile, nod and carry on doing it your way.
After about a year it sinks in.
But it is very annoying.

where is your dh when she says this stuff then?

make sure he's there when she visits

You lot are way too reasonable. You are not being unreasonable Fragolina, lots of people want to love the baby etc but at the end of the day, although everyone will become something - mum, dad, gran etc;- only one of you is having the baby and that's you. Irritating and insensitive is what she is and she should by rights leave you alone to contemplate giving birth and finding your feet in your own time.

Mind you, I do think you're handling it right - you do have to bite your tongue etc. Throw things and be mean about her behind her back but keep the peace on the home front.

And you might not want to take advice from me as I'm sitting here waiting for my divorce to come through.

Good luck with baby fragolina

Thanks for all the comments! I have been doing the nod and smile thing, and been grinning and bearing it. Funnily enough, I just bought the Good Granny guide for her on Amazon, this morning so am hoping that will send a subtle message, and also get her up to speed on modern parenting.

I've figured out exactly why I get annoyed about the 'our baby' thing and its because of the history between us. A few years back, she was living with DH and I, and she was supremely jealous of my relationship with him (she actually complained that he would give me a kiss when he left the house, but not her). I'm sure its hard to let go as a prent, but she behaved horrifically to me, and even wrote a venomous letter to DH totally trashing everything about me, including my housekeeping, questioning whether I really love him, and saying I was raised by wolves! Unfortunately, I was filing some paperwork and came across it, and read it with mounting horror. I shouldn't have read it, wish I never had. Bearing in mind that I hadn't actually done anything to her, and had had no arguments/confrontations, her feelings were a complete shock to me. DH had some serious words with her, and since that awful time (with lots of friction, when I pretty much kept my head down and waited for the storm to blow over), she's become really careful about how she behaves and what she says in front of DH. Unfortunately, that doesn't quite extend to me - weirdly she's much more chatty and friendly to me than to DH.

So, really do feel weird about her saying 'our baby', but would love for her to be an involved granny (just wish she would leave me alone). I think next time I'll just make a joke about it along the lines of 'our baby? oh, you mean your grandchild!'.

With the advice thing, I have been smiling, nodding and then doing exactly as I please, and she's starting to get stroppy about it, and insisting I do what she wants. Its getting increasingly hard to say no politely!

She has also invited herself to move in with us for the first two weeks after the baby's born, although I have repeatedly put her off (and there's no guest bed, so not sure where she's planning to sleep!), she still seems to think she'll be staying over....despite the fact that we do live in the same city and she can visit whenever she likes.

I should make sure that you stick to your reolutions and don't have her to stay. I thought you were a making a bit of a fuss about nothing, but after reading your last post I should take care not to let her get into a position to take over.

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You must fight tooth and nail to ensure she does NOT move in for 2 weeks, not even 2 farking hours

sje sounds horrendous

Seriously though, if being a mum has taught me anything it is that you have to be assertive and you really need to stand your ground over what you and DH want for your own family. She's going to be part of your family now, not vice versa and to be fair to her, it's a difficult transition.

IN NO CIRCUMSTANCES must she be allowed to move in. She will destroy your peace of mind in those first weeks. It is up to your DH to put his foot down about this - you have to make him tell her.