to feel my hackles rise when MIL refers to 'our baby'?

[Fragolina]

I am 40 weeks pregnant with mine and DHs first baby, and every time my MIL talks about the lo, she calls it 'our baby'. Ugh, its really starting to irritate me in a big way. Yes, its her grandchild, and I am more than happy for her to be involved, but unless she was involved in conception/pushing it out, she's not entitled to call it 'our baby' - I am NOT having a baby with her but with DH. AIBU? Maybe my hormones are making me overreact.

Any advice on how I can make her stop?

I'm also being driven insane slowly but surely by her 'helpful' suggestions about babies, e.g that breastfed babies need to drink water (they don't, as I have explained to her, with the reasons why). She then called her brother's wife in the USA, who'd had a baby last year, to ask her about it, and then called me back to say 'Oh, I asked X about why babies aren't to be given water nowadays, and she said she gave her baby water and chamomile, right from the start and he was fine'. I was very restrained, and just changed the subject.

She has also been going on and on about Nappisan, and sterilising all the baby clothes - I have NO intention of doing this, total farting about IMO, especially because I'm not planning on using re-usable nappies. I've told her this politely, but she has now gone off to find me a baby bath, which she is justifying by saying that even if I or lo don't like it, I can use it to soak baby clothes in.

I do feel sorry for her, as she is lonely and wants to be involved with her first grandchild, BUT she's starting to seriously p*ss me off. She doesn't dare say any of this crap to DH because he'd seriously tell her where to get off. I ususally just ignore her when she goes off on one of her rants/tangents, but find myself getting increasingly annoyed.

Phew - feel better now that I've let off some steam. Any helpful hints (apart from return her to the shop for a nicer/more tactful/sensitive model)?

I found that if my MIL did this, then whenever she referred to 'my baby' I'd make sure that I turned the comment around so that it referred to DH rather than the baby - so for example if she had started talking about bottles then I'd say that I thought that dh had rather got through the bottle stage and preferred his beer from a pint glass (or the bottle it came in!) or if she was talking about the baby bath as you mentioned then I'd say something along the lines of it being a bit small for dh.

It's a way of helping to diffuse the situation - get dh (and any other friends and family if possible) in on the act too and make sure that every time she makes the 'my baby' comment it gets turned around to point at DH and hopefully she will begin to get the message. A few well placed 'you're looking very small/good/etc for a ?? pregnant lady - have you been in contact with the tabloids' type comments also come in handy.

Turning it into a game in your head also can help you - a kind of MIL battleaxe bingo - try to spot what she is going to say/claim/do next and think up a few choice comments in advance so you have them ready. If you're anything like me, I can never think of the right thing to say until later (usually when mulling over things in bed later that night).

Good luck - and good luck with the baby too. Let us know how you get on!

My MIL is a bit like this. Can drive you demented.ALl the little 'helpful' commenst and basically telling me what to do all the time. I occassionally snap ' I know how to look after my DD thank you' which shuts her up. I dont think YABU but you will have to find a way of dealing with it. Most of the time I just ignore her. She means well and thats what you have to try and remember. She just wants to be needed and involved at this exciting time. Probably not helping that all this has started before you have given birth. You could get round it by asking her advice occassionally even if you dont actually act on it. I sympathise though ....very annoying.

I like newyearbightmares suggestions. Sounds like a good way to get round the 'our baby' comments. My MIL has never done this but if she did......

I have just had an idea ... for all of us with these MILs why dont we buy them one of those freaky pretend babies that were on channel 4 the other night

Am I wrong to think "our baby" is actually quite harmless and sweet? I refer to my nephews as "our boys" as I love them as much as if they were my own and my sister and BIL do the same with my dd. My other sis (no children yet...does the same) We just all love each other's children.

I agree that all the suggestions are annoying but please try to see her excitement and love as good things not bad things.

Yep. Naive because those of us with MILs who see GCs as their opportunity to be a mother again, use the phrase 'my' or 'our' baby to justify their interfering and trying to take over. A lot of new mums have been there and have had to fight their corner to i. come to terms with their new role as a mother and ii. develop confidence in that role.

I just don't understand those who need to stake claim on other people's children.. . . .be it GPs or aunts or uncles.

Weird, when I read your post (OP), it reminded me of when I was expecting my first.
My mil said exactly the same, and I thought it was a bit of an odd thing to say (she said 'my baby' about MY baby!), but not annoyed. She was also adamant about the water thing (and I point blank refused to feed my newborn water). She also thought she knew better about how to bath the baby. I found myself sneaking upstairs to bath her, and then hearing the dreaded footsteps when mil overheard the running water, and came to 'help'. I do think it was the hormones that caused me to find it as irritating and frustrating as it was. I felt SO stifled and suffocated. But, seriously, I was never left alone to be a new mother. I had the whole extended family at my house (expecting to be waited on by me) the day I arrived home from hospital.
Not sure if it was cultural thing - they are African.

So, in a nut shell, I completely see where you are coming from

Fragolina, get a lock on your bathroom door.

battleaxe bingo
class in a glass!
that's just made me nearly lose me pelvic floor
honestly, it's a belter - do it - it turns the irritating comments into a competition and a joke
me and dp do this, and i always win
"when are yoo gannah ge' eees 'ayer caht?" broke the record over xmas - they'd just arrived and scarcely put their bags down when mil came out with it
ultimately, she's just talking - there's no real way for her to put any of this stuff into practice, especially if your dh is irritated by her
just say "this is the way we've decided to do things"
enjoy motherhood - it's fab

I think you're being a bit unreasonable in that if you've a mil as willing to help as this then consider yourself very lucky. My mil just doesn't give a toss, her excuse once was that it hurts her too much when she has to go home so it's better if she doesn't get too close!!!!! what complete bollocks!
Saying that, I do sympathise, it's really annoying when people try to take over. Best advice I was ever offered was to listen to all and then act on the bits you want to, which I did. Good luck! XX

I agree ladymariner, it does no harm to listen and there is no need to be confrontational or unpleasant just do what you want to do.
I have been very lucky with my MIL, she had lots of opinions (as did my mother)but she didn't interfere or take over.
I think that you might have to go a bit further Frangolina, with your past history, and get things straight from the beginning(in a kindly way).
I actually think the 'my baby' is quite sweet and harmless, having GC must be an exciting point in your life.
If you have DSs remember that one day you will be the MIL and it is very cruel to cut them out, it is unfair that the mother should be the 'proper Grandmother' and the MIL should be a second class Grandmother.
My mother has the same relationship with my brother's DCs as she has with mine.We all go on holiday together sometimes, and my SIL has to put up with amazing comments from people who think it must be hell to go on holiday with your inlaws! SHE LIKES US!!! Your DP has your MIL genes and so does your DC, and this was the woman who brought up the man you are aiming to spend the rest of your life with so she must have some good points! You have to bear in mind that your DC may turn out more like your MIL than you!!
Sorry about the rant but as I only have the option of having DILs, one day I feel strongly about it.
I won't call it 'my baby' and I won't interfere but I will expect to be a big part of the DCs life.
I haven't got over the woman in the next bed to me in the maternity unit, who when her DH said that his mother was coming to visit thought that her MIL was being intrusive and unreasonable to want to see her GC! I hope that she gets the same treatment one day!

But nobody is saying anything about cutting out the MIL. I think the OP just wants recognition that she, not the MIL, is the baby's mother. And that she won't have to take the MIL to task every time there's a parenting decision to be made. Because that's what sounds like is happening here. Why should a (new) mum have to be taken to task every time she decides what is best for her baby? I think it extremely weird for the MIL to call it anyone else's baby but the OP's.

I'd be very firm and tell your MIL (nicely of course) that this is your baby and that you'll be making decisions for it. You welcome her advice and thoughts but that she can keep her negativity to herself.

I too feel strongly about this issue having a MIL who thinks it her place to tell me where I'm going wrong all the time, make nasty comments and make decisions for my children wherever possible.

You will need to soak baby clothes - poo and sick stain them horribly and you will have buckets of clothes hanging about .

But otherwise, I agree with you. This baby belongs to you and your DH.

I don't think Fragolina is trying to cut her MIL out, she seems remarkably patient in the circumstances. I was just very upset by the comments of sleepycat who said 'I told her straight that I had my own mother'and went on to say her MIL would have to wait for her own daughter to fuss over.It sticks in my mind because it seems so cruel and unfeeling-why are you allowed to fuss over a DD's baby but not a DS's baby? It hasn't happened in my family but the attitude seems to be common.

I know your MIL ants to be involved have a grandson I can perfectly understand your her but she must learn that all the bringing up baby has changed since DH was a little one, loads of times I have wanted to give advice but I have now learnt only give it when asked.
Did you see that documentry on TV the other night on Fake Babies( still think the women in it were a bit freaky) you could always buy her a replica of "our baby ".

You may not need to soak anything. I was lucky to have a non-sicky baby. She only pooed her way through one outfit once.

Now that we are weaning, it is a different story. Clothes are getting stained, but I also find that I don't really care. Perhaps this is more of an issue if you are buying mega expensive designer baby gear? Mine wears hand-me-downs mostly so a pasta sauce stain isn't the end of the world.

I never needed to soak baby clothes -- sunlight bleaches out breastfed baby poo stains beautifully.

It must be so difficult for those of you who have interfering MIL's. I get on quite well with my MIL, we have had our ups and downs and she has said things that upset me but I have just grinned and bared it. I have a good old moan to my mum about it and feel better.

I try to keep in mind that she is my DH's mum and that I should respect that for the sake of my DH.
I'm lucky in the fact that she hasn't tried to take over (Not that I would let her anyway)and has done as I asked, re, phoning before she comes round etc.

I sympathize with you, I know my hormones made me feel like I couldn't stand to have any of MIL or FIL near my baby, but I know it was me and my hormones. It wasn't a problems with his family IYSWIM, it was a problem with my hormones. I just hope I was able to hide it well so that I did not offend MIL and FIL.

It's hard, especially as you want to keep the baby all to yourself. Disregard your MIL's comments/advice, and be happy in the knowledge that you will have a willing babysitter when you want one.

Fragolina, imo, in these circumstances, YAdefinitelyNBU.

Your posts have set alarm bells ringing in my ears. It's sad to be saying this as I really believe in the importance of the extended family and I would LOVE to have a good relationship with my mil and tried very, very hard for many years (for dh's sake latterly) to do everything in my power to make that possible but, for reasons too long to go in to here, I'm afraid I've recently given up and we've had to put a considerable distance between us.

Her first words (addressed to her husband - my fil) on visiting us for the first time 14 yrs ago were "oh it's so nice to be in OUR home". It got worse - much worse - from that point onwards.

Suffice to say, if dh won't set boundaries, then you may have to (as politely but firmly as possible).

I tried to please my mil endlessly and in return was controlled, belittled, criticised and manipulated. She wanted a say in our finances, our marriage, and in almost every aspect of our lives. (Sounds like an over-the-top soap opera but I'm afraid it's true!!) Interestingly, we actually got on marginally better once I started standing up for myself a bit more but by then it was too late .

The love of a grandparent IS incredibly important but it's not worth sacrificing your well-being, your relationship with your dh, and your ability to do what you think is right for you and your baby!!

Sorry to come on all "heavy" about this but if I'd known then what I know now, then I would have set boundaries from the beginning and we would have all been spared a lot of heartache.

Good luck. Be strong!

Excellent post, GreyHairs.

Why are mums always expected to give way to other people's preferences esp. over their own children?

Frag, just smile sweetly at your MIL and ignore her. She can dote on your new baby but she cannot expect to be involved as a parent is. Be ready to tackle her with diplomacy if she oversteps the mark. It's quite telling already how manipulative she can be if she's saying all this stuff to you behind your DH's back. I'd avoid being with her without DH to be honest.

the reason why mils are so irritating is becase their DSs never tell them to stop interfering and mind their own business. DDs always tell there mothers this so they learn not to be annoying. I would feel irritated if my mil called the baby 'our baby'. YANBU

I am so in agreement with AbbeyA here, I too am really shocked and at the risk of sounding confrontational, disgusted by sleepycat saying what she did to her mil. As I said earlier, my mil isn't bothered at all by my ds and too much water has gone under the bridge for things to change now but I hope to god that things are never like this with my future dil. My ds is 12 now and this time has flown, it won't be that long before girls play a part in his life and he starts to move in a different direction. When that time comes I know I shall be heartbroken, It's no good saying I won't, but I hope that me and dh will always play an important role in his life. This is probabably coming out all wrong, and I'm sounding neurotic, but the thought that my dil would tell me to keep out of things to do with gc is just too devastating for words. I know I'll never be as important as her own mother obviously, but surely I would have the right to join in with them. And I do not mean take over!!!!
I really hope sleepycat's words to her mil never come back to slap her in the face where her own dc's are concerned. But she perhaps would do well to remember that you reap what you sow.

YANBU with knobs on
Posting on another thread about this tonight
So will be brief as already punching pillows with memories of my own experience..
Fantasise during these long advice sessions / visits about leaving the room every 15 minutes and quietly sinking an entire bottle of rum.
As you have a supportive dh do not describe her to him as a "f* bitch".
That's all I have to say except wishing you the very best for the birth and a confident and happy relationship with the lovely lady. I am sure she is well intentioned but that makes it a thousand times harder to squish!

ps have now got great relationship with MIL and I'm sure it will happen with you too, but do be confident otherwise you'll end up feeling resentful for ever.

I was so pleased to read your post ladymariner and have someone on the same wave length! I don't think that I would have posted at all if it hadn't been for sleepycats remarks which I found deeply upsetting. I wouldn't change my DSs for the world but I would have loved a DD, it is not to be, which is fine but I do want to have a good relationship with any future GC. I have no intention in interfering (my mother and MIL haven't, so I have good role models)but I do want to do the fun bits of grandparenting (I don't mean spoiling but giving my time).
A MIL is part of the family not the enemy or a tedious person you have to tolerate!