to feel my hackles rise when MIL refers to 'our baby'?

[Fragolina]

I am 40 weeks pregnant with mine and DHs first baby, and every time my MIL talks about the lo, she calls it 'our baby'. Ugh, its really starting to irritate me in a big way. Yes, its her grandchild, and I am more than happy for her to be involved, but unless she was involved in conception/pushing it out, she's not entitled to call it 'our baby' - I am NOT having a baby with her but with DH. AIBU? Maybe my hormones are making me overreact.

Any advice on how I can make her stop?

I'm also being driven insane slowly but surely by her 'helpful' suggestions about babies, e.g that breastfed babies need to drink water (they don't, as I have explained to her, with the reasons why). She then called her brother's wife in the USA, who'd had a baby last year, to ask her about it, and then called me back to say 'Oh, I asked X about why babies aren't to be given water nowadays, and she said she gave her baby water and chamomile, right from the start and he was fine'. I was very restrained, and just changed the subject.

She has also been going on and on about Nappisan, and sterilising all the baby clothes - I have NO intention of doing this, total farting about IMO, especially because I'm not planning on using re-usable nappies. I've told her this politely, but she has now gone off to find me a baby bath, which she is justifying by saying that even if I or lo don't like it, I can use it to soak baby clothes in.

I do feel sorry for her, as she is lonely and wants to be involved with her first grandchild, BUT she's starting to seriously p*ss me off. She doesn't dare say any of this crap to DH because he'd seriously tell her where to get off. I ususally just ignore her when she goes off on one of her rants/tangents, but find myself getting increasingly annoyed.

Phew - feel better now that I've let off some steam. Any helpful hints (apart from return her to the shop for a nicer/more tactful/sensitive model)?

That depends on the kind of MIL you get though, doesn't it?

If she's overbearing, infterfering and undermines the mother as Frag's seems to be doing, then no, I don't think she is automatically part of the family.

Parenting children is nobody's business apart from the parents unless they choose to include other people in the decisions or they are abusing their children. It's that simple.

Stand up to your MIL, Frag. Tell her firmly where she stands. Tell her with DH there so that she knows you're united in this. My marriage nearly came to an end because of my MIL constantly interfering and trying to make decisions for us. It was horrible.

I am not talking about MIL like Fragolina's, there is obviously a long history there and she needs to have a proper talk with her from the beginning.

If you're a non interfering, non judgemental, keep -your -mouth shut kind of MIL who accepts her parenting days are over, then I'm sure relationships with any future DILs will be just fine.

But surely there is nothing wrong with a mil offering advice, is there, they have been there and brought children up, fgs. If they overstep the mark like Frag's seems to be doing then that is clearly not on and it needs to be stopped but to say that mil's are ok as long as they sit there and say nothing unless asked is beyond reidiculous, and no wonder the dp/dh gets uptight and refuses to back hidp/dw up, she is his mother. Does the sit and say nothing rule still apply when babysitting is needed, I wonder?

Ridiculous, even

I'd assume it was safer to not offer advice until asked. It is a very delicate area.

And a DH should support his DW. He married her, she is his wife and the mother of his children. If she has a reasonable problem with her MIL, then the DH should stand up for her.

I agree totally - if she has a reasonable problem. But if she just doesn't want his mother anywhere near his dc then how is that reasonable? Unless of course the mil is like Frag's......here we go again, on the merry-go-round!

Thanks for all the great advice guys - I'm much clearer on how I'm going to approach the whole thing. I think I was really irritated and hormonal when I posted the other day, as I don't usually let my MIL get to me anymore, but feeling loads better now. Still no baby though, and am now 40+2.

On the issue of DIL/MIL relationships in general, my mum has 4 DILs, who live in various countries, and they actually argue over whose family she's spent more time with over the year as they love her to bits . So I have seen how an MIL can behave in order to build a wonderful relationship with her DILs, without being interfering or overbearing, but being very much involved and welcomed into their lives, and the lives of her GCs. They spoil her outrageously when she goes to visit - not because she makes any demands, but because they love having her to stay. In 15 years of being an MIL, there has NEVER been a cross word with any of her DILS. Now my mum is no saint, and goodness knows she can annoy me to the point of insanity, BUT she knows when to butt out, and offers her advice (solicited or not) as suggestions, and not absolutes as the 'right' way of doing things. And then doesn't get in a huff if her advice is not followed.

So knowing what my MIL is like, it is completely up to me to ensure we have a cordial relationship (forget the two way street thing)- I just need to strike a happy balance between being confrontational and being so patient that she sees me as a doormat and starts taking the p*ss.

Funnily enough, about the 'our baby' thing - after the lo's born I don't think I'll have a problem if she says 'our girl/boy'...not sure why that feels different but it does

Some of this sounds so familiar The dc's have 2 sets of very interfering GP's, and unfortunately its my mum, not MIL, who's the worst but its the same effect. Most recent example, my dd did the classic 'stick something way up your nose' routine a couple of weeks back, I don't drive and it was late evening so had to ask my dad for a lift. At A&E he tries to speak to the doctor instead of me and even tries to follow me into the consulting room! But that just typifies the whole GP interference we have

I just try to be pleased they're bothered about the kids but ever since dd was born I was careful to ward off the 'our baby' syndrome and they're only just getting the message.

The ultimate weapon I've found is telling them something along the lines of "well you had no training to be a parent and look what a great job you did so I'm sure I'll be just fine" - major compliment and 'get your nose out of my face' in one - they all hate me saying that sort of thing now!

Your Mum sounds lovely Fragolina, just the sort of MIL I want to be. I will offer suggestions if called for, after all I have done it all, but I won't resent it if it isn't followed. You have to remember your DC is a person in their own right not a possession, there seems to be an awful lot of 'my' and 'mine'here.It seems a bit odd because the complaint about MILs seems to be that they are possessive and won't let go!

Urgh! No, sorry, your MIL has no right to say "our" baby, no right to go on at you about how you should do things. Oh my GOd, if you're feeling like this now, I promise you your feelings will triple after the birth, because protective mother "she-wolf" hormones kick in. Your MIL will carry on as normal, thinking she can say what she likes, unaware of the huge hormonal shift you have gone through in giving birth. Her behaviour will shift from being annoying to intolerable.

Ignore comments like "you'll be a MIL one day". THis has always been a terrible argument in my view, because it allows people to normalise completely bizarre through to downright abusive behaviour. If we are to be MIL's one day, then lets hope we all remember the all important empathy that comes with human relationships with other people!.

SO you have to set boundaries now. Get your husband on side. (Husbands often side with their mothers ) Set boundaries, for example, when she can come round- whatever you're comfortable with

Oh, horrendous, I just read that she wants to come to stay for 2 weeks, and the way she treated you in the beginning does not suprise me when I heard the "our baby" thing. Honestly, just trust me on this. Set boundaries now. Do not let her come in the first two weeks. You can put her off by saying you'll visit her. Anything to stop her coming, please.

Not let a grandmother come and visit her grandchild until he/she is TWO WEEKS OLD????? Unbelievable. And you wonder why some people have friction in their relationships!

I may seem obsessive on this subject but it is because the mother of the DC holds absolute power over access-I know because I hold it! My first DH died tragically young in an accident leaving me with a baby. I didn't know my in laws very well at that point and it would have been easy to have severed contact or just done duty visits. I made them part of the family (to lose a DS and then GC would be too cruel for words).They baby sat and stayed over, he went to stay with them. With a toddler you have to work at relationships, e.g talk about them when they aren't there, speak on the phone etc. I did all this. Luckily my second DH has generosity of spirit and we still see a lot of them and so he has 2 MILs!
I have had 2 more children and they are grandparents to them (they don't show favouritism). It makes a lovely extended family. All 2nd DH family get on with 1st DH family-are uncle and aunt to all.
I hate the thought that a DIL might come along one day, with the attitude of some people on this thread, and stop us all having a proper relationship with 'her DC'.

My dd is the only gc on my side and my parents had a long wait for her just like my dh and I did. They always refer to her as 'our baby'. It's a very affectionate thing to say and that's exactly how they are towards her. They look after her so well and before she was born I would never have imagined my mam and dad being the way they are with her. They dote on her and she adores them. That bond doesn't just start on day one it starts before that. And that means them getting invloved with the preperation of the baby's arrival as well. They didn't take over, they gave us space but when we needed someone else to be there they were. Give her a break she means well and you will be thankful that you have her when you need a rest.

Hi Abbey, I just wanted to ask, how would you deal with a MIL who made demands and tried to take over and act as though the baby is their own? I understand you're not like this, and that your MILs havn't been like this, but I just wondered how you would deal with the situation?

I'm not asking for any reason other than I am genuinely curious as I don't know what I will do if my MIL turns into this and I fear she is on the way there (as I explained in my post on page 2). Obviously quite a few people on here struggle with MILs as I do, though i don't intend to push her away as she's not as bad as other people's on here, and she is very important to DP. She's also genuinely trying to help I think, but just going about it all wrong, and i suspect she's not overly keen on me, though I don't know why- think it's territorial. I know the baby will love her because she's a little crazy and fantastic with kids.

I certainly don't hold absolute power over access to my children. Both DH and I have a say and we work out what is reasonable and normal for us both.

But if the DIL holds power over access, then surely the MIL should keep her sweet and not p*ss her off by intruding and trying to be mummy again? We're not talking about normal MILS who are generally kind and helpful people. We're talking about the ones who refuse to observe boundaries.

It seems to me that the DILs get attacked a lot on MN, as if by saying they don't like some behaviours of the MILs they're being evil.

I would never stop my DCs from seeing their relatives unlike my MIL who tried to prevent DH from seeing his grandmother even when she was dying. Ho hum. Someone said you reap what you sow on this thread. I don't think that's true either. My MIL is a toxic cow who never fails to make some bitchy comment to me but we're all going on holiday with them in Feb because I'd like my DCs to know their GPs better. Doesn't stop MIL making nasty comments though. Am I just to keep quiet and take it?

Of course, if you have a toxic MIL you have to set boundries! I have said from the beginning that I have every sympathy with Fragolina and she needs to get things clear from the start, let her MIL see the baby but on no account have her to stay for the first 2 weeks.
I am talking about well balanced people who have good, healthy relationships with their DSs.I am talking about people telling MILs they already have a mother so to leave them alone! Or thinking it is reasonable not to let them see the baby for the first 2 weeks.
You do have absolute power WinkyWinkola, if you wanted to you could restrict visits, make them unwelcome in your house and never mention them when they aren't around.

Winkywinkola- I really feel for you, and well done for making the effort to go on holiday with them! I'm not sure I could go that far

My dad's mum didn't like my mum and so she chose not to see us kids for 5 years. There was no reason, my mum's lovely through and through, and even nursed her MIL through cancer. It's so sad that people like my mum get treated so badly by MILs and there is often a real issue with boundaries (although obviously there are MILs who arn't like this). I hope to sort this from the offset with my MIL, though I've no idea how without causing bad feeling.

Wow Winky, that's amazing, I definately couldn't go that far!!!
I think that when you read back through this thread, you can clearly see faults on both sides, but as Abbey says (yet again, I'm right with you, hon!!) we're talking about normal people. If there is a real problem, Mumbles, then you have to make a stand, set your boundaries and stick to them. However, I really believe you can do this without it resorting to nastiness. You are the mother of the child and as such, your word goes. But as I said earlier, why not listen to what she says, then just do as you want anyway?
It's so easy to see when it's other people. My mil and I will never get on, although we do have a civil relationship for the sake of my dh on the few times we meet up. But I would have loved it if we could have had the sort of relationship I see my bf have with her mil. Or my own mum with my sil, tbh. That's what I meant when I said those of you with caring mils don't know how lucky you are.

only read OP and have to add- my mother did this when i was pregnant, she even once said 'my baby boy'...in front of me, i just sternly said, 'no my baby boy, your grandson' and whenever she said our baby i just said 'my baby, your grandson' she got the idea and hasn't said anything since and he's 3 now. though when we leave the kids with her we always joke she probs takes him out saying he's hers etc!!haha!! or that she'll go and change his name to her surname by depol!! haha!!- though we do know that wont happen!!

ladymariner, you've misundestood- she can see the baby. I'm saying she can't come and stay with fragolina for two weeks after the baby is born.

I have finally sorted out the whole issue by talling DH its entirely his responsibility to run intereference and keep the peace in the first hormone-ridden weeks, and to ensure that she doesn't annoy me to the point of me escorting her out of the door . Small irritations I can deal with, but its his job to stop her stepping over the line. He quite cheerfully accepted this 'little' task, bless him because he has much less patience for her than I do . I'm betting she'll p*ss him off, he'll tell her off, and it'll be up to me to smooth things over

Still no baby though, and am now three days overdue. Trying to be very 'zen' about it. MIL has been calling an average of 2x a day on landline, then ringing my mobile constantly if I don't answer. If I'm awake, I do answer, but just ignore it if I'm napping, so she eventually calls DH. Every time when I call her back, she sulkily asks what I was doing, and I patiently explain (about 20 times now) that I was napping/in the shower/in the loo. Not too bothered by it though, just think its funny. Have repeatedly said that she'll be the first to know if anything's hapenning!

PS: I'm completely happy for her to come visit the baby from day 1, as long as she doesn't stay more than an hour per day for first two weeks, and calls before she arrives - think that's fair.

Frag she sounds like my own mum when I was 40 + 14!! Rang every five minutes as if i'd forgottn to tell her I'd given birth (had an induction and caesarian in the end at 40+15!sorry to mention this!) and she came and stayed (at my request) for 10 days after he was born, giving advice like 'babies should be put down on their fronts to sleep/you should paste the nappy cream all over/give him 1 bottle a day otherwise he'll never go onto a bottle/don't pick him up every time he cries, he needs to exercise his lungs etc'.

Good luck with the birth Fragolina (and yr mil of course!)