to feel my hackles rise when MIL refers to 'our baby'?

[Fragolina]

I am 40 weeks pregnant with mine and DHs first baby, and every time my MIL talks about the lo, she calls it 'our baby'. Ugh, its really starting to irritate me in a big way. Yes, its her grandchild, and I am more than happy for her to be involved, but unless she was involved in conception/pushing it out, she's not entitled to call it 'our baby' - I am NOT having a baby with her but with DH. AIBU? Maybe my hormones are making me overreact.

Any advice on how I can make her stop?

I'm also being driven insane slowly but surely by her 'helpful' suggestions about babies, e.g that breastfed babies need to drink water (they don't, as I have explained to her, with the reasons why). She then called her brother's wife in the USA, who'd had a baby last year, to ask her about it, and then called me back to say 'Oh, I asked X about why babies aren't to be given water nowadays, and she said she gave her baby water and chamomile, right from the start and he was fine'. I was very restrained, and just changed the subject.

She has also been going on and on about Nappisan, and sterilising all the baby clothes - I have NO intention of doing this, total farting about IMO, especially because I'm not planning on using re-usable nappies. I've told her this politely, but she has now gone off to find me a baby bath, which she is justifying by saying that even if I or lo don't like it, I can use it to soak baby clothes in.

I do feel sorry for her, as she is lonely and wants to be involved with her first grandchild, BUT she's starting to seriously p*ss me off. She doesn't dare say any of this crap to DH because he'd seriously tell her where to get off. I ususally just ignore her when she goes off on one of her rants/tangents, but find myself getting increasingly annoyed.

Phew - feel better now that I've let off some steam. Any helpful hints (apart from return her to the shop for a nicer/more tactful/sensitive model)?

Frag, you sound amazingly tolerant and calm about the constant phone calls esp. since you're pg. Much admiration for you.

And it sounds like you've handled the situation very well.

I felt stalked by my MIL when she called me 2x every day to ask me what my newborn DS was wearing/doing. Whaaaaat? DH refused to deal with it for months so I had to and I have to say, I was much less diplomatic than you when I spoke to her about it! She still didn't understand why I wouldn't want to talk to her more than once a week.. . . . .

Good Luck, Frag, wishing you lots of happiness.
xxxxxxx

Congrats on 1st baby Frag and sorry you have such an interfering MIL. I think her referring to the baby as "our" is the least of your probs - after all many people use that to refer to any one in their family. But she has no business telling you how to feed and otherwise look after your baby when you have not directly asked for her advice.

My advice (since you ask) is to say as little as possible when she gives you unsolicited advice, and do whatever you want to do, without feeling you have to justify yourself to her. Also be aware that as she is so opinionated, she probably cannot be trusted to look after your baby without going against your wishes re giving water etc. I absolutely agree with you that water is not required by breastfed babies. I well remember my mother calling me "stubborn" because I would not give my bf baby a bottle of water.

Remember that it is YOU who has both the responsibility and the authority over the care of this baby and MIL cannot make you do anything unless you let her, nor do you have to give reasons for your choices.

Thanks for all the fantastic advice. After our baby was born, MIL came to visit me in the hospital the enxt morning, and Dh did the most hilarious thing. While the paedatrician was checking out lo, DH asked her about every single one of MILs strange notions re: babies, and when the paed refuted it, turned to his mum and said 'did you hear that, mum?' , I was a bit embarassed for her but it worked fantastically!!! AND she's been pretty good since....although I have heard her saying 'mummy' in various languages to dd.

But that's another mountain to climb.

Somehow I now don't mind at all when she says 'our baby'...I do mind when she says 'my baby' but not enough to kick up a fuss.

Now what to do about her 3hour visits two or three times a week when DH makes himself scarce, and the daily phone calls to me (somehow she never asks for DH after talking to me, but always asks for me if he picks up the phone....)

Oh well, onwards and upwards She means well, bless her. (well, if I didn't think that I would tear my hair out and run screaming down the street in my pyjamas!)

Hi just read the thread, if ur mil is being a pain, wanting to be involved but in a doing ur head in type of way why dont u give her some tasks to do so she feels like she's helping? Give her something that u dont want to do yourself, for example "i could really do with a hand painting babys room" or "will you be able to knit me some cardis for baby" etc that way she's feeling useful. Or get her to buy some essientials to keep at her house for when u visit (spare vests, bibs, sudacream, wipes etc - doesnt matter if there not to ur taste, you can change him when u get home lol)
I agree with mrsmcv you have to stand your ground. My mum always wanted to give my baby things he couldnt have "it never did u any harm when you were little", now i tell her what he can have and if were in supermarket i'll point things out that he likes and she'll get them to keep at her house. xx