to feel my hackles rise when MIL refers to 'our baby'?

[Fragolina]

I am 40 weeks pregnant with mine and DHs first baby, and every time my MIL talks about the lo, she calls it 'our baby'. Ugh, its really starting to irritate me in a big way. Yes, its her grandchild, and I am more than happy for her to be involved, but unless she was involved in conception/pushing it out, she's not entitled to call it 'our baby' - I am NOT having a baby with her but with DH. AIBU? Maybe my hormones are making me overreact.

Any advice on how I can make her stop?

I'm also being driven insane slowly but surely by her 'helpful' suggestions about babies, e.g that breastfed babies need to drink water (they don't, as I have explained to her, with the reasons why). She then called her brother's wife in the USA, who'd had a baby last year, to ask her about it, and then called me back to say 'Oh, I asked X about why babies aren't to be given water nowadays, and she said she gave her baby water and chamomile, right from the start and he was fine'. I was very restrained, and just changed the subject.

She has also been going on and on about Nappisan, and sterilising all the baby clothes - I have NO intention of doing this, total farting about IMO, especially because I'm not planning on using re-usable nappies. I've told her this politely, but she has now gone off to find me a baby bath, which she is justifying by saying that even if I or lo don't like it, I can use it to soak baby clothes in.

I do feel sorry for her, as she is lonely and wants to be involved with her first grandchild, BUT she's starting to seriously p*ss me off. She doesn't dare say any of this crap to DH because he'd seriously tell her where to get off. I ususally just ignore her when she goes off on one of her rants/tangents, but find myself getting increasingly annoyed.

Phew - feel better now that I've let off some steam. Any helpful hints (apart from return her to the shop for a nicer/more tactful/sensitive model)?

Do not let her move in...maybe explain that DH is going to be taking paternity leave so you'll both be there, so you won't need the extra 'help' (ahem!) but that she's very welcome to come and visit during the day provided she calls in advance so she doesn't wake up sleeping parents/baby?

Oh, and I think you should have a word with DH about the interference. Nothing wrong with loads of unwanted advice, but plenty wrong with stroppy behaviour when said unwanted advice is ignored.

At the worse, you may need to sit down with her (with DH present) and explain that whilst you're delighted that she wants to be involved, and that you're really keen to let her, she has to understand where the boundaries are and that you are the parents. A bit of tough love at this stage will pay dividends later!!

Actually DH has told her that she's not staying with us. She mentioned it, and he said 'No, you're not staying over, we'll be fine!' - can't get much clearer than that. So she hasn't said a word about it to him again, but from comments she's made to me, she's all but packed her bags . There is no way I'll be letting her stay, even if I have to throw a major strop...just don't want things to get uncomfortable again.

Think I'll be ok though, I just need to be more firm, and less worried about being polite. Also REALLy don't want to see her in those teary days between day 3-7...so will need to put my foot down.

Thanks

with fluffymummy on tough love now!

unless she's a cow thats really harsh sleepycat

I feel for you but there's some good advice on here. Grit your teeth and smile. thank her for her advise/views, tell her they are helpful and you will think about them but that this is how you want to do things.

My mum did the 'our baby' thing with my DS (first grandchild). HIGHLY annoying but I think it goes with the territory of being an over-excited first time grandparent. AS for the advice bit you will find that total stangers will judge you and scare the willies out of you give you advice, not just your relatives, learn to ignore (not spend your life in perpetual panic like I did)!

That said, don't let her move in if that is not what you want. I stopped my parents doing the exact same thing by explaining that I did not want to hurt or exclude anybody but I really needed that time just for us as a family to bond and adjust to the idea/reality of being a family and that this was really important to me.

Good luck.

I thought that was very hard sleepycat-I have 3 sons and so will not have a daughter to fuss over! I hope any future DIL will not cut me out like that. I will be as much grandmother as the maternal one.

Sorry, the "our baby" thing was with my Dear sister's firstborn (DS and DS!). Mine was lowly number 2 so far fewer spotlights!

As I say, on the staying over thing, try making less about her helping and more about you, DH and the bnding thing. Trickier to argue with. Do stay firm though.

I think there is a difference between firm and harsh though. Sleepycat your view does seem unduly cruel to me - guess there is history there? - sorry for your situation if that is the case.

bnding = bonding!

I've not had chance to read all the answers to this, but OMG I'm going through the same thing. I've been whinging and whinging about it on 'pregnancy'.

When I was going to find out if it was a boy or girl she said 'Oooo I find out what I'm having in two days'... I'm sorry, WHO finds out what they're having??!!

She has rubbished our name to DP behind my back and tried to tell him not to call our baby that, and she's got the whole family in on persuading him which made me go MENTAL.

She said she wants to pick things out because she wants to decide things like where her grandchild sleeps... umm.. MY child!!!!

She has told us we're 'miserable' because we've painted our baby's room blue and cream and got him blue and cream lovely baby things, and we've put beautiful cartoon pictures on the wall because she wants us to use garish disney wallpaper as 'that's what the baby will like'... errr....NO!

She was happy we were getting married in Mexico, but when we got preg, we decided to do it in Cyprus instead because it's cheaper and closer. Both families and some friends are coming, but she's now decided she can't afford it (knowing that DP won't get married without her there), and has started talking about'if we don't get married, our baby is still HER grandchild'.

She talks about the baby as tho he is hers and we are completely irrelevant and she fusses none stop but tells me I worry to me and fuss over every little thing ('little thing' being bleeding and pains during my pregnancy for which i had to have anti D and scans).

She has told DP that when i first have the baby and he's working, he must drop me and the baby at hers at stupid o clock in the morning on the way to work so that she can spend time looking after the baby every single day.

She told me our flat was horrible so I put every last penny into moving us, and the next was unsatisfactory to her too, so we've moved again now. She also never visits us but whinges if we don't visit her.

And LOADS of other things.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate her help, but god does she do it the wrong way sometimes!!!! And also i feel she doesn't like me (I wonder why).

I really feel for you with the 'our baby' thing. It's infuriating isn't it????!!!!

Sorry that rant was so long and self centred. Hope things improve with your MIL.
xx

Well, I don't get on with my mum usually but over pregnancy and childbirth, she has been absolutely brilliant, in every single respect. MIL on the other hand turned into a possessive overbearing nutter, felt like she was crushing me in a vice whenever she tried to stake her claim on bump and baby. MIL even told dd not to smile at me when she was there as she could smile at me anytime . So I do think there is a special bond between mums and daughters over babies, in a way that most MILs can't really share, with the best will in the world.

Mumblesmummy.. Sounds like my mil. Am due #3 in February and I know she'll manage to upset me hugely AGAIN...My experience is that post birth I am very vulnerable and lacking in energy to be 'assertive' so it's particularly difficult dealing with someone who in my case anyway, just doesn't know her place and comes out with the most unbelievable shite about what's right for baby.

Fragolina and Mumblesmummy you have my sympathy and understanding!

No way, Fragoline. YANBU. This baby is your and DH's baby. Nobody elses. I think that's bizarre to think it's your MILs as well.

You and DH made the child, you carried him/her for 9 months, you will labour to get the baby out and will be responsible for the child. And, after all that, I'm not surprised you're not too keen on MIL's claims. My baby was called 'everybody's baby' when he was born. Erm, wrong!

Thing is, this kind of behaviour from your MIL will only get worse. She won't understand that you make your own decisions - like you always have done from whatever age you became an adult.

My MIL still tries to make decisions for my DCs which irritates me because as far as I'm concerned, DH and I are the decision makers. MIL has her parenting stint. I've tried the quiet word with her, I've tried the row with her, I've tried the going-through-DH approach, I've tried the silent treatment. I've decided she's a half wit and am thinking about emigrating!

Bear up. It's your baby. Don't take on the "Remember you'll be a MIL one day" bull because being a MIL doesn't give you the right to be a royal PITA.

Hope things go better for you this time around Ispy.
MrsMcV, I agree completely. I think its really really important for MILs to remember that their DIL having a baby needs to be approached differently from their own DH. My mum can say all sorts of weird and wonderful things, and I'll just tell her that things have changed, and explain what the current advice is, and she'll accept that I have looked into it and know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, MIL doing the same ends with her more insistent on her pov, and asking other family members what they did with their dcs; implying I don't know my ar*se from my elbow.
I'll continue to do the dance of diplomacy, and just be upfront and tell her we need our own bonding time to get used ot being a new family, but do appreciate her offers of help, and will let her know if I need anything.
Mumblesmummy - oooooh, you have my wholehearted sympathies. My MIL wanted to go mad with the shoppping as soon as I told her I was pregnant, and I let her know gently that I needed some time to get used to being pregnant, and that I'd let her know when I was ready for her to buy stuff. I have since told her that I'd really like her to wait and get the lo some gender specific things, after I have the baby (its a surprise!!), and that I might need her to raid the shops as I realise I'm missing things over the first few weeks - she was really pleased with that, and actually listened to me

You might very well not know your arse from your elbow but it's your time and your prerogative to find out for yourself what you want for your baby. In your own time and at your own pace.

What everyone else does with theirs is never a good enough reason alone to do the same with yours. What works for them might not work for you.

Parenting is a very private thing, I think. I hope she leaves you alone to get on with it and find out for yourself what you want without making you feel inadequate. You must follow your instincts and have total faith in your abilities as a mother.

And don't let her tell you breastfeeding isn't enough for a baby either - just in case she's that kind of person. If you choose to bf, then it's all a baby needs for six months.

ItsGrim - Oh I've already had that conversation with her about breastfeeding, and she said 'that's ridiculous, no child can survive on only breastmilk for 6 months'. She's already bought me bottles, although I said I didn't want or need any at the mo, and they're 'at least for water', and I will 'use them at some point anyway' (well, actually was planning to go straight from breast to a cup). I left her to it, at least shopping for them kept her occupied

Oooh Winky, I long ago decided that my MIL has her lovely days, but when she's being beastly, she forms completely unique neurological pathways in her brain, which no other person can or will ever understand, and behaves v irrationally. The 'half-wit' thing to my mind is just an excuse for behaving like a toddler, and is why she gets away with all sorts - all her family thinks she's loopy and therefore make allowances.

I do hope I will be a MIL one day, and I pray I will have a good relationship with my D/SILs - but that's because I will make an effort to accomodate their feelings, and actually LISTEN to what they say.

I felt like this about MIL when I was PG, and like you I had 'history' with her - she didn't think I was good enough for DH and had said some very hurtful things to me. You're doing the right thing to smile vaguely, stick to your guns about what you want to do but not actually fall out with her. I did this with MIL while being supremely irritated with her for all of my pgcy and the early days with DS. But we settled in, and she came & babysat and our relationship improved. Then earlier this year I was seriously ill, hospitalised, and unable to look after DS. MIL was actually the one who sent me into hospital, she was the one who brought down my fever (which probably saved my life), and then she looked after DS while I was ill & recovering. She was a total star. She still comes out with complete howlers eg 'Aren't you going to do anything about losing that baby weight, dear?' recently. But I have to remember that what she DOES is kinder than what she SAYS iyswim. And when I say 'Actually I'm bang in the middle of the recommended weight range for my height' she says 'Are you? Oh well done!'

Get your MIL a fake baby.....

like on Channel 4 the other night

Message withdrawn

I have sympathy and YANBU. My MIL was the same, resented me for our unplanned pregnancy and for taking 'her son away' and wanted me to abort DD (offered to go halves with my mum) I never considered abortion, it was all MIL idea even though she is supposed to be strongly religious. From then on (when she realised we were keeping DD and DH was going to stay with me) she made it clear she wanted everything to do with the baby while ignoring me or treating me like dirt. She often said 'our baby' and refused to call DD by the name we chose- and she didn't like- for the first 6 months. She often suggested to DH that he should come round with DD and leave me at home! (I didn't see why she should get her way and felt she had to accept me, or at least be civil, for us to move forward) It felt weird when she was so horrid to me yet all over my baby. She came round every day and was rude and bossy. As soon as she arrived she would snatch DD away from me and totally ignore me or be snide. It's a horrid feeling. The only advice I would give is keep her at arms length (DO NOT LET HER STAY!!) as much as you can, make sure DH is on your side, establish boundaries early on. It is true that we marry the family as well as DH but in my case, MIL was lovely till we got serious so it is hard to tell. I never would or wanted to cut MIL out of our lives but it will never be the daily pop ins etc that she wanted. Anyway sorry to go on, but just know many of us understand! Good luck xx

You have my sympathy. My Mum was calling DD her baby when I was pregnant. Luckily I brought it up in a jokey manner a couple of times and she got the hint.
I'm glad you have a DH who is completely on your side, he will be invaluble in the years to come.

mine does the 'my boys' thing all the time. it drive me potty.

she always tells me how much she dislikes girls and she's glad i've got sons.

sympathy - think you are doing the right thing by smiling, nodding and ignoring. If she does press bottles or baby baths you don't want on you, put them in a cupboard and forget about them. And don't let her stay!