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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance issue AIBU

118 replies

BeanCart · 07/03/2022 13:18

Married to my husband who has two children aged 9 and 12 and we have one 2 year old together.

My step children live with us 3 nights a week and he pays £300 a month via a private agreement not calculator. This is nearly £150 a month more than the calculator amount although I appreciate those calculations are not typically enough.

Anyway, to my question...

I'm the higher earner, I earn quite a lot more than my husband as I am fortunately pretty successfully self employed however I like to save a lot. Especially due to not having an official pension through an employer.

My husband's ex works part time in the NHS and has told him that she's struggling and is worrying about the increase in bills and things coming up.

Unfortunately he would struggle to give more whilst still contributing fairly to our home (I already pay more toward our home and bills due to the difference in earning).

I'm receiving pressure from my husband via his ex to help with this. He is a little bit spineless when it comes to his ex and often just agrees to things for an easier life.

I really do not want to do this. Our own bills will be increasing substantially as with everyone and it's important to me that I have some spare available to save.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeanCart · 07/03/2022 13:20

Sorry wasn't clear, she is asking for more maintenance every month.

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 07/03/2022 13:21

Yanbu to say no but I’ve heard of a lot of people asking their exes from an increase in maintenance due to the increase in bills so she can ask you can say no.

cheninblanc · 07/03/2022 13:21

As both an ex and a step mum so I see both sides, I'd be saying no too. Can she increase her hours from part time, do bank work? It's not really your responsibility and I wouldn't be giving my wages to my husbands ex as where does it stop and you don't have to justify that either. Everyone's bills are going up bit she can't rely on you she has to do something herself

gogohm · 07/03/2022 13:22

In all honesty, she needs to work full time and he needs to help pay for the childcare costs to enable her to do so then half the costs of the school clubs, uniforms, other clubs plus what the calculator says.

MunchyMonsters · 07/03/2022 13:23

You are perfectly reasonable to say no. Your money shouldn't come into this, they aren't your children.

At the ages of 9 and 12 she could up her hours.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2022 13:23

I think you can't give what he doesn't have. He has another child he also has support as well as those two. I know people will say "shouldn't have had more kids" etc but that's by the by.

They're not far of 50/50 at which point he he wouldn't need to pay a penny so whilst normally I'd say can you up the contact, that would tip you into primary carers and I'm guessing Mom doesn't want that.

Can he facilitate her working more hours by picking up the childcare and school run stuff.

Original poster
BeanCart · 07/03/2022 13:23

Everyone's bills are going up bit she can't rely on you she has to do something herself

This is partly what I think. I appreciate it's a worrying time but surely everyone (unless you're very wealthy) is in the same situation. Ours are also increasing a lot next month which we'll have to shoulder too. I can't really be responsible for another households increase ontop of that.

OP posts:
trevthecat · 07/03/2022 13:23

They are already with you nearly half the time, he is already paying more than the cms lowest amount. I would be saying no to paying more

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/03/2022 13:24

No. He had 3 children and he needs to support them all. Taking more money from your household - which has nearly equal care of DSC - isn’t okay.

If he wants to pay her more he can find a way to earn more. It’s not okay to ask you to subsidise his children more than you’re currently doing.

Bdhntbis · 07/03/2022 13:24

I wouldn’t do this; your income already goes towards your stepchildren in terms of your shared house etc and you don’t need to support her if she’s choosing to work part time. If you have the children 3 days a week then I can’t see why she needs to work part time

nearlyspringyay · 07/03/2022 13:25

No, it's not your responsibility. She needs to up hours if possible or your husband needs to contribute more.

If it goes tits up with up with you and your husband why should you tank your cash into his children?

Original poster
BeanCart · 07/03/2022 13:26

They're not far of 50/50 at which point he he wouldn't need to pay a penny so whilst normally I'd say can you up the contact, that would tip you into primary carers and I'm guessing Mom doesn't want that

No we've offered 50:50 before to help facilitate more work or whatever but she doesn't want to do that and gets pretty defensive at the suggestion. We'd happily have them here more, it just turns into a bit of an awkward conversation with their Mum if it's ever suggested though.

Which I can understand as a Mum myself my first thought would also be to reject less time with my child. But it makes it hard to know how to help other than financially then.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2022 13:26

Sorry I'd missed the kids ages. So if she worked full time she'd only need childcare for the 9 yo.

What are her shifts like? Could Dad be more flexible on when he has them?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/03/2022 13:27

@gogohm

In all honesty, she needs to work full time and he needs to help pay for the childcare costs to enable her to do so then half the costs of the school clubs, uniforms, other clubs plus what the calculator says.
He needs to do nothing of the sort. He’s already giving get an extra £150 a month. She can put that towards childcare. If he ever decided stop paying the extra she’d have to find a way to manage. OP is already contributing to that. She’s also helping to fund the DSC for 3 out of 7 days a week.
drpet49 · 07/03/2022 13:27

You have them 3 days a week already. The mother needs to work full time.

Original poster
BeanCart · 07/03/2022 13:47

Okay thanks, feel less terrible. I'll just stick to my no.

He can do what he likes of course but I wouldn't be happy if it meant he couldn't contribute as much to our home in order to pay for hers.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 07/03/2022 13:58

No do not involve your income in maintenance payments. The system does not expect this and you should not set a president - what if he looses his job or things get very difficult. It would be an automatic assumption you would pay - rather than any negotiation to ensure all are housed/fed.

I like calculations. So using a 16% income rate and 3/7th reduction for overnight and a required payment of £150 I'm estimating dad has a take home of £1400 a month. He's actually contributing £300 so around 21% of income. More than he'd be required if you didn't have the kids at all. He'd struggle be able to house/feed himself on £1100 a month so you are already heavily subsidising him and thus all 3 of his kids.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2022 14:01

I think all he can do is maintain he has no extra moeny, the household where the kids stay 3 nights a week is also facing price rises but he is happy to flex their arrangements so she can go full time

RoseAndRose · 07/03/2022 14:08

In inflationary times, if he wants to keep the value of the amount he spends to support his DC, then it will need to rise periodically.

That doesn't mean he has to say yes whenever the DC's other parent asks, but this is a priority area of spending for him and he shouldn't let it be badly eroded by inflation. Especially as he sounds like a good guy who does more than the legal minimum.

Original poster
BeanCart · 07/03/2022 14:13

@RoseAndRose

In inflationary times, if he wants to keep the value of the amount he spends to support his DC, then it will need to rise periodically.

That doesn't mean he has to say yes whenever the DC's other parent asks, but this is a priority area of spending for him and he shouldn't let it be badly eroded by inflation. Especially as he sounds like a good guy who does more than the legal minimum.

I appreciate the thought process but he is already paying more, by £150, than he would be doing if he stuck with the calculator for children who are very nearly with us 50% of the week.

He isn't an endless pit of money that can just be increased and increased every time inflation goes up.

We also have a house with rising bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeanCart · 07/03/2022 14:15

And in inflationary times, it may also be an idea to increase your working hours from part time if it's impossible to afford.

As you say, the money she spends on her children will need to rise periodically. It can't surely just be my husband's responsibility to provide more money during these times whilst she continues working part time?

OP posts:
Theforest · 07/03/2022 14:24

Yes you are right to say no.

Everyone's bills are going up. Why should you pay for the increase of 2 houses. Especially as you already overpay.

Whatonearth07957 · 07/03/2022 14:40

The ex will have a better pension provision. Will she offer to share that? I'd think not! You need to save for yourself and your child and your own costs.

GlitteryGreen · 07/03/2022 14:47

No OP, I would definitely say no to this.

He cannot afford to pay it and you are already subsidising him paying what he does now, so he is already lucky. Mum will need to up her hours.

VelvetChairGirl · 07/03/2022 14:51

you are right to say no as in he can keep his hands off your money.

but if she is struggling he can pay from his own pocket if he wants and just eat beans on toast until he earns more.