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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance issue AIBU

118 replies

BeanCart · 07/03/2022 13:18

Married to my husband who has two children aged 9 and 12 and we have one 2 year old together.

My step children live with us 3 nights a week and he pays £300 a month via a private agreement not calculator. This is nearly £150 a month more than the calculator amount although I appreciate those calculations are not typically enough.

Anyway, to my question...

I'm the higher earner, I earn quite a lot more than my husband as I am fortunately pretty successfully self employed however I like to save a lot. Especially due to not having an official pension through an employer.

My husband's ex works part time in the NHS and has told him that she's struggling and is worrying about the increase in bills and things coming up.

Unfortunately he would struggle to give more whilst still contributing fairly to our home (I already pay more toward our home and bills due to the difference in earning).

I'm receiving pressure from my husband via his ex to help with this. He is a little bit spineless when it comes to his ex and often just agrees to things for an easier life.

I really do not want to do this. Our own bills will be increasing substantially as with everyone and it's important to me that I have some spare available to save.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Everafter20 · 07/03/2022 14:52

She probably continues working part time as she won't get tax credits etc and would be worse off working more making it difficult for them to eat etc. I think £300 per month for two children doesn't sound much. I calculated for one child and it was 234 per month so he must be on a really low income? I feel really sorry for single mums trying make ends meet. You could have a much higher standard of living making it harder for him to contribute equally to your household not because he is pay for his children.

vampirewellness · 07/03/2022 14:54

@Everafter20

She probably continues working part time as she won't get tax credits etc and would be worse off working more making it difficult for them to eat etc. I think £300 per month for two children doesn't sound much. I calculated for one child and it was 234 per month so he must be on a really low income? I feel really sorry for single mums trying make ends meet. You could have a much higher standard of living making it harder for him to contribute equally to your household not because he is pay for his children.
But they like with OP and her DH nearly 50%.

So strictly speaking he's paying more than he is legally required to.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2022 14:54

@RoseAndRose

In inflationary times, if he wants to keep the value of the amount he spends to support his DC, then it will need to rise periodically.

That doesn't mean he has to say yes whenever the DC's other parent asks, but this is a priority area of spending for him and he shouldn't let it be badly eroded by inflation. Especially as he sounds like a good guy who does more than the legal minimum.

The reality is, if costs go up and wages stagnate, you get less spent on you as the child. Holidays are less opulanet, food is less treaty, clothes are more basic. Or holidays go, food is basic, clothes are second hand and necessities. There just isn't an endless pit of money.
Original poster
BeanCart · 07/03/2022 14:54

@Everafter20

She probably continues working part time as she won't get tax credits etc and would be worse off working more making it difficult for them to eat etc. I think £300 per month for two children doesn't sound much. I calculated for one child and it was 234 per month so he must be on a really low income? I feel really sorry for single mums trying make ends meet. You could have a much higher standard of living making it harder for him to contribute equally to your household not because he is pay for his children.
They live with us one night a week less than 50:50. I don't agree it's not much for an extra 4 nights a month personally.
OP posts:
GlitteryGreen · 07/03/2022 14:55

@Everafter20

She probably continues working part time as she won't get tax credits etc and would be worse off working more making it difficult for them to eat etc. I think £300 per month for two children doesn't sound much. I calculated for one child and it was 234 per month so he must be on a really low income? I feel really sorry for single mums trying make ends meet. You could have a much higher standard of living making it harder for him to contribute equally to your household not because he is pay for his children.
But he has them almost half the time? So £300 is actually loads to give their mum.
Viviennemary · 07/03/2022 14:55

If he is already paying more than the required amount then he shouldn't have to pay anything extra IMHO. She will just have to manage on she has.

Googlecanthelpme · 07/03/2022 15:02

In the same circumstances I wouldn’t be subsidising from my income no, so I wouldn’t allow DP to reduce his contributions to our home and me pick up the slack.

If he could afford to pay more out of his disposable income then no worries, I would have no opinion on that, assuming the finances in our own home / family are fair.

I would perhaps help out on a specific occasion such as a short period between the mum changing jobs, which DP wanted to help with but needed me to pick up more in our house bills… if I knew it was a one off or a short time. I wouldn’t do it indefinitely and definitely not if she was part time and had no real reason for not increasing hours….
It is not your responsibility so you absolutely should not be relied on to supply the financial solution. It’s CF of him to even suggest it to be honest

Everafter20 · 07/03/2022 15:04

Well you asked and I gave my opinion which you asked for. I don't know why you asked if you were so sure to start with unless you wanted validation to try to get him to lower the original amount and as well as not give the extra.

If I were you I would pray you are never in her situation having to go begging for help. You know fine well that if you take the kids an extra night and the maintenance stops it will plunge her further into poverty and doesn't actually help the situation.

GlitteryGreen · 07/03/2022 15:05

@Everafter20

She probably continues working part time as she won't get tax credits etc and would be worse off working more making it difficult for them to eat etc. I think £300 per month for two children doesn't sound much. I calculated for one child and it was 234 per month so he must be on a really low income? I feel really sorry for single mums trying make ends meet. You could have a much higher standard of living making it harder for him to contribute equally to your household not because he is pay for his children.
Also if this is the case, it is still not OP or her DH's issue to sort this out for her when he is already paying well over what he needs to based on his income AND he has the children almost 50%?

She either needs to increase her working hours or she needs to manage on what she gets.

GlitteryGreen · 07/03/2022 15:10

If I were you I would pray you are never in her situation having to go begging for help. You know fine well that if you take the kids an extra night and the maintenance stops it will plunge her further into poverty and doesn't actually help the situation.

I just don't see how 'begging for help' from your ex is reasonable though when you only work part-time and your ex has the kids nearly 50% of the time?

Unless his three nights are Friday-Monday morning every week then theoretically he has arranged his work around school etc. Mum has to do the same.

@BeanCart assuming your DH is going his share of school pick ups etc here so that his ex isn't not able to work FT because of that reason.

Everafter20 · 07/03/2022 15:12

Glittery green well done you! Let's encourage her to remove the maintenance altogether Wink before you start no I'm not and have never been in the situation but let's say I work in an area where I see what single parents choices are and the effect on their income. Too often on Mumsnet you see people encourage to pay only what the cms calculator says whilst they have no idea of actually what it is like to be in that situation but hey carry on! I love seeing single parents never be able to treat their children, struggle to hear their homes etc. I doubt she would be asking unless she really needed it. Saying work more or get a better job isn't always as easy as saying it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/03/2022 15:12

I am a single (divorced) parent and work full time. Still struggling at the moment though!

My exh seems to think he’s got good reasons for cutting court ordered maintenance rather than increasing it but that’s another story…

I would say all parties involved have to think about what’s best for the dc here, not for themselves. However that works out - whether it’s Mum increasing her hours, dad going 50:50 or paying more maintenance, even if it reduces your money for savings.

2boysDad · 07/03/2022 15:13

@Everafter20

Well you asked and I gave my opinion which you asked for. I don't know why you asked if you were so sure to start with unless you wanted validation to try to get him to lower the original amount and as well as not give the extra.

If I were you I would pray you are never in her situation having to go begging for help. You know fine well that if you take the kids an extra night and the maintenance stops it will plunge her further into poverty and doesn't actually help the situation.

What would help the situation is if she stepped up and got a full-time job.

There's a huge labour shortage at the moment, companies are crying out for staff and the NHS specifically (based on where I work at least) has a host of unfilled reasonably well paid vacancies.

It's not your partners responsibility to subsidise his ex's part-time work with his money.

Sally872 · 07/03/2022 15:18

I would help if she had exhausted other options and was really struggling as a very last resort (and temporary). If she hasn't even asked to increase hours that is definitely not the case.

GlitteryGreen · 07/03/2022 15:20

@Everafter20

Glittery green well done you! Let's encourage her to remove the maintenance altogether Wink before you start no I'm not and have never been in the situation but let's say I work in an area where I see what single parents choices are and the effect on their income. Too often on Mumsnet you see people encourage to pay only what the cms calculator says whilst they have no idea of actually what it is like to be in that situation but hey carry on! I love seeing single parents never be able to treat their children, struggle to hear their homes etc. I doubt she would be asking unless she really needed it. Saying work more or get a better job isn't always as easy as saying it.
Not at all, I am not saying that he should pay nothing as she does still have the children slightly more.

But if you actually look at the situation, with an almost 50/50 split both the mum and the dad are in similar positions (again, assuming dad is actually doing school runs on his days) except one of them is working part-time and struggling to make ends meet on that wage, while the other works full-time despite very similar childcare responsibilities? OP has already said her DH isn't a high earner either. He doesn't have the money to give more than he does.

I just don't get why the first port of call would be for the mum to ask/hint to her ex to give her more money rather than speaking to him about changing things to enable her to pick up more shifts when she (again theoretically) has the same capacity to work as the dad if she doesn't have her kids half the week.

Everafter20 · 07/03/2022 15:20

Oh great idea I hadn't thought of that! Are you not listening she could be worse off working full time even with some days help with childcare. That's the life of a single wage with today's rent/bills. She probably only survives because of tax credits or uc which restrict the hours worked.

Original poster
BeanCart · 07/03/2022 15:25

Yes he does school runs each week. The days change so one week it's week time and the next it's weekend so both parents can enjoy EOW with the children.

Just to add, she isn't single. She has a partner though I've no idea what he earns, he also has children from another relationship and one with her.

OP posts:
GlitteryGreen · 07/03/2022 15:26

@Everafter20

Oh great idea I hadn't thought of that! Are you not listening she could be worse off working full time even with some days help with childcare. That's the life of a single wage with today's rent/bills. She probably only survives because of tax credits or uc which restrict the hours worked.
Yeah but this is not her ex or OP's problem?! He already gives double what he needs to AND has the kids almost half the time?!

He is not responsible for continuing to allow her to work part-time or paying her bills for her, especially when he's already being heavily subsidised within his own household to enable him to do what he's been doing so far.

OP has been pretty clear that he cannot afford to give his ex any more money himself, it's not like he's well-off and just watching her struggle. He can't afford an increase, and he's already paying double CM.

Everafter20 · 07/03/2022 15:32

Actually she didn't say he couldn't afford it she said he couldn't equally contribute to the household out goings of a high earner which could mean they lead a lovely comfortable life and have nice cars, holidays and are able to save. Maybe he should get a better job then by your reasoning Wink

SparrowLand · 07/03/2022 15:34

@Everafter20

Oh great idea I hadn't thought of that! Are you not listening she could be worse off working full time even with some days help with childcare. That's the life of a single wage with today's rent/bills. She probably only survives because of tax credits or uc which restrict the hours worked.
If she upped her hours then she wouldn’t need to rely on UC/tax credits. They have restrictions but unless there’s other circumstances listed then you’re always better off working more when you’re on them. Working part time when your youngest is 9 years old and they have an involved Dad who has them almost 50% of the time is a luxury.
GlitteryGreen · 07/03/2022 15:39

@Everafter20

Actually she didn't say he couldn't afford it she said he couldn't equally contribute to the household out goings of a high earner which could mean they lead a lovely comfortable life and have nice cars, holidays and are able to save. Maybe he should get a better job then by your reasoning Wink
Where have nice holidays and cars come from? OP hasn't mentioned that at all.

She did say he couldn't afford it because he can't afford it whilst still paying his share of the bills. The only way he could afford it is for OP to pay more of his share, when she is already paying more than him.

Why should she have to do that? Especially as OP has now confirmed mum also has a partner to share her bills with too!

Blossom64265 · 07/03/2022 15:40

If she is working part time because she facilitates more of the children’s lives, school runs, sick days, school breaks, etc, then I do think he has a moral obligation to step up. Could she switch to full time work tomorrow with no need for additional child care or for the father to share more of the burden?

Everafter20 · 07/03/2022 15:41

Oh god ok she is a lazy mare who could be earning a fortune working full time but prefers to plead her case to the ex partner Grin you win Wink

GlitteryGreen · 07/03/2022 15:42

Why should he have to get a better job when he's currently able to pay his share AND pay double child support?! 😩 I just can't understand your reasoning at all.

He just can't afford to increase it to support his ex more.

I'd get it if he was just having the kids every other weekend and she was restricted by that, but it's not the case.

SparrowLand · 07/03/2022 15:45

@Everafter20

Oh god ok she is a lazy mare who could be earning a fortune working full time but prefers to plead her case to the ex partner Grin you win Wink
Who said that? Obviously he should be handing all of his money to her then because he’s the man even though he has them four days less a month than 50% and she refuses 50/50 contact (obviously because she would lose the maintenance). He already pays double what he has to, but obviously that’s not enough. You sound ridiculous.