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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child maintenance issue AIBU

118 replies

BeanCart · 07/03/2022 13:18

Married to my husband who has two children aged 9 and 12 and we have one 2 year old together.

My step children live with us 3 nights a week and he pays £300 a month via a private agreement not calculator. This is nearly £150 a month more than the calculator amount although I appreciate those calculations are not typically enough.

Anyway, to my question...

I'm the higher earner, I earn quite a lot more than my husband as I am fortunately pretty successfully self employed however I like to save a lot. Especially due to not having an official pension through an employer.

My husband's ex works part time in the NHS and has told him that she's struggling and is worrying about the increase in bills and things coming up.

Unfortunately he would struggle to give more whilst still contributing fairly to our home (I already pay more toward our home and bills due to the difference in earning).

I'm receiving pressure from my husband via his ex to help with this. He is a little bit spineless when it comes to his ex and often just agrees to things for an easier life.

I really do not want to do this. Our own bills will be increasing substantially as with everyone and it's important to me that I have some spare available to save.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:

sofakingcool · 08/03/2022 16:07

@minmooch

He pays £300 pcm for 2 children. That equates to £69.23 per week. Or £34.61 for each child. Doesn't sound a lot really towards your children. Does he pay his fair share of clothes, school uniform, shoes, school outings, school lunches etc? Or is that amount expected to cover all those things as well?

Assuming that he pays for all of those things on his time then why should he have to pay more?

How does things like that work OP? School clothes etc?

MorningStarling · 08/03/2022 16:13

He's already paying double what the calculator says he needs to pay. If she's trying to get more out of him to be honest I'd call her bluff and say, "OK, we're scrapping this private arrangement and you can take him through the CMS process." It sounds like the ex wants more money but expects other people to pay for it rather than her taking any responsibility upon herself to earn more.

As you're having the kids over 3 nights per week there is no way he should be paying that sort of money in maintenance. As you say he needs to pay his way in his current relationship, so try to minimize his expenses on the old one.

That's the trouble with doing things under the table rather than going through the official process, one side usually takes the other for a ride. Usually it's the "absent" parent but sometimes it's the resident one taking the piss, as is the case here.

Readyforspring · 08/03/2022 16:22

I wouldn't even ask my ex for a rise. He has bills to pay too. Why should he be more out of pocket. He supports dc when there . I do when here. And his household income is easily 3x more.

Original poster

BeanCart · 08/03/2022 16:34

How does things like that work OP? School clothes etc?

They have clothes here and he pays half of school uniform every year.

OP posts:

sofakingcool · 08/03/2022 16:42

@BeanCart

How does things like that work OP? School clothes etc?

They have clothes here and he pays half of school uniform every year.

Then it's totally fair enough and she needs to pull up her big girl pants and work a bit more!

PlainOldMe80 · 08/03/2022 16:55

If your dp is already paying more maintenance as he "should" be paying and he has the kids several days a week, ofcourse he shouldn't be paying more maintenance especially not it it will your household income overall. The prices are going up for everyone, the majority of people will have to make cut back.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2022 17:00

Absolutely reasonable to say no and really cheeky of your DH to even ask.

Original poster

BeanCart · 08/03/2022 17:04

It's because I put quite a lot away in savings so it's seen as "spare". It may be technically but imo that's up to me what I do with my disposable income. I don't want to save less so that I can give more to his ex, it's not my problem frankly if she's struggling with bills.

My husband's doesn't get it though. He has made comments before that make me think he doesn't really get the idea of saving! Like he thinks they can just be used for anything if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Original poster

BeanCart · 08/03/2022 17:05

I appreciate she probably just sees us having a comfortable life and thinks well why can't he just give me more but she's not realising that it's because a lot of it comes from me! If he gave more, I'd have to subsidise it.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeanCart · 08/03/2022 17:06

Although I'd not be surprised at all if she did realise that and didn't care.

OP posts:

incognitoforthisone · 08/03/2022 17:18

It's obviously a worry that living expenses are on the rise for her, and it sounds like your joint income (albeit mostly from you) is comfortable - but yeah, looking all the info in your original post and your further replies, absolutely YANBU to say no.

You and your DP have the children for just over 40% of the week, and have offered to have them more. He is paying about double what he would be paying if he hadn't agreed to a more civilised arrangement, and my guess is that this figure is already only possible because you earn enough to compensate for that. Also, as you say, you really do need to save a fair chunk every month because you don't have a pension.

I can understand why it might not be feasible for your DP's ex to work full time, but ultimately it sounds like that's because she has a toddler with someone else in addition to her children with DP. Also ... she has a partner, who presumably has a job himself. Of course it's perfectly fair to say that he shouldn't have to pay for children that aren't his ... but if that's the case then she must see that you shouldn't have to pay for children that aren't yours either.

LittleOwl153 · 08/03/2022 17:36

On the savings front OP could you set up a personal pension or a LISA or whatever it is that is the government pension savings account? Just something so that your money is actually earmarked as a pension rather than savings... just might change your husbands attitude if the presumably large savings account were not quite so visible? You shouldn't have to but 🤷

sofakingcool · 08/03/2022 18:17

@BeanCart

I think it must be hard to see your ex living a better life than you, whilst you and the children (for 50% of the time) maybe aren't, but you have to get past it. I'm not sure it's as simple as asking why she doesn't get it, why she had the nerve to ask for more etc.

I was in the position of receiving child maintenance, which was a pittance in comparison to what your DH's gives. I think if it wasn't a pittance, and my ex was living a nice life and I wasn't I'd feel a bit miffed (wouldn't ask for more though). As it was, it's the opposite way round in our case, so never any need to want any more money good job, as I'd never get it

Ultimately they must have been together a while to have two children together, so I can't imagine it's easy. She has to get on with it though , I wouldn't want to be reliant on my ex, I'd be out there getting more hours to support myself and the children!

vampirewellness · 08/03/2022 18:28

Does her own partner not earn much?

Perhaps suggest he does more hours!

Dollyparton3 · 08/03/2022 19:53

Am I reading this right? Your DH's ex has asked for more money to fund cost of living increases for a home that she shares with another partner she lives with? Who are you? The charity fairy?

'My answer would be a firm no

Frankola · 08/03/2022 19:54

Everyone's bills are going up. So I think its fair to say no. Particularly as your dh is paying more than cms says already (although we all agree cms is crappy).

Lots of people are going to need to make tough decisions when it comes to spending and inflation. She either needs to be more careful with spending or increase working hours etc like everyone else might have to.

Original poster

BeanCart · 08/03/2022 20:03

@Dollyparton3

Am I reading this right? Your DH's ex has asked for more money to fund cost of living increases for a home that she shares with another partner she lives with? Who are you? The charity fairy?

'My answer would be a firm no

Yep. She is struggling and is worried about the increases and how she'll afford them according to her.

Not suggesting she's lying just not sure why she thinks that's up to us to sort.

OP posts:

Dollyparton3 · 08/03/2022 22:12

Wow. My sarcastic head and female business brain on international womens day makes me want to suggest you help her and her partner to budget. I mean seriously, tell me where you're struggling and I'll show you how to shop in Aldi rather than Waitrose like normal people do.

My DH's ex had dollar signs in her eyes the minute I arrived on the scene as a higher earner and I quickly got used to my step kids saying "mum says we have to ask Dolly because you have a good job" .

To be fair to the ex in our case she didn't have a partner but refused to work more than 3 days a week until both the kids hit 18 and maintenance stopped. But in your case she's actually expecting you to part find a household that has another adult earner in it. I mean he lives there right? Eats the food, uses the hot water etc. the brass neck of it!

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