Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance issue AIBU

118 replies

BeanCart · 07/03/2022 13:18

Married to my husband who has two children aged 9 and 12 and we have one 2 year old together.

My step children live with us 3 nights a week and he pays £300 a month via a private agreement not calculator. This is nearly £150 a month more than the calculator amount although I appreciate those calculations are not typically enough.

Anyway, to my question...

I'm the higher earner, I earn quite a lot more than my husband as I am fortunately pretty successfully self employed however I like to save a lot. Especially due to not having an official pension through an employer.

My husband's ex works part time in the NHS and has told him that she's struggling and is worrying about the increase in bills and things coming up.

Unfortunately he would struggle to give more whilst still contributing fairly to our home (I already pay more toward our home and bills due to the difference in earning).

I'm receiving pressure from my husband via his ex to help with this. He is a little bit spineless when it comes to his ex and often just agrees to things for an easier life.

I really do not want to do this. Our own bills will be increasing substantially as with everyone and it's important to me that I have some spare available to save.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
SarahProblem · 07/03/2022 17:59

If your DP can offer more time e.g. 50% rather than more money then his ex will need to consider that and get over her defensiveness. But this means your DP standing up to his ex .

Chloemol · 07/03/2022 18:24

Nope, the ex can go full time

SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2022 18:48

@Everafter20

Sparrow land I don't need to lower myself to insults like you. I have clearly asked people to consider her position without the other issues at play in these circumstances. If it was a male or a female I would be saying the same. It helps to read all the posts as you would of seen I work with single parent families and helping with their income so please don't make this about a male female argument as it is not relevant.
Her position is she has her older kids 4/7 plus has a partner and a young child. One works part time. His position is he has his older kids 3/7 plus has a partner and a young child. Both work full time. He pay her £300 a month. He's offered to have the kids more. She's refused.
SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2022 18:50

@SarahProblem

If your DP can offer more time e.g. 50% rather than more money then his ex will need to consider that and get over her defensiveness. But this means your DP standing up to his ex .
If he offers 50% she's by rights going to lose £300 pm.
Therealjudgejudy · 07/03/2022 18:53

She can ask but you are totally within your rights to say no.

Its not your place to subsidise someone else's home.

CowsAreNotGreen · 07/03/2022 18:58

No. She can go full time like loads of other mums have to. Not your child's fault she wants part time hours.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 07/03/2022 19:05

Not unreasonable at all.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 07/03/2022 19:09

@Everafter20

Actually she didn't say he couldn't afford it she said he couldn't equally contribute to the household out goings of a high earner which could mean they lead a lovely comfortable life and have nice cars, holidays and are able to save. Maybe he should get a better job then by your reasoning Wink
What if that made him worse off because of having to pay for childcare etc? It's funny how dad should get a better job but mum can't possiblly work more. If she's got a partner she might not even get UC.
NoSquirrels · 07/03/2022 19:10

^Her position is she has her older kids 4/7 plus has a partner and a young child. One works part time.
His position is he has his older kids 3/7 plus has a partner and a young child. Both work full time. He pay her £300 a month. He's offered to have the kids more. She's refused.^

I think this is a pretty fair summation.

She was not unreasonable to ask. He would not be unreasonable to say no. You are definitely not unreasonable not to want to subsidise further, directly or indirectly.

TracyMosby · 07/03/2022 19:10

Say no. She is nhs she can easily work full time. Probably be easy for her to work condensed hours too.

millymolls · 07/03/2022 19:16

She needs to go full time if she’s struggling

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/03/2022 20:11

She seems to be approaching this by looking at how much money each household gets in and wanting to level it up more. This is a perfectly normal thing that a lot of couples do - where they don't do joint finances - and when one earns a lot more than the other for whatever reason, the less well-off one pays less towards family costs, so that they can both have a more equitable lifestyle; but they are no longer a couple!

She can't have it both ways - complaining about being unable to work more because of childcare, but then refusing to allow her (older) children's DF to have them more to enable this, knowing that her very generous maintenance payments would then end (although she'd still likely expect to keep the child benefit). Of course, she can't work more because she also has a young child, but that's nothing whatsoever to do with anybody else other than that child's parents.

She reminds me of a certain transport-related profession dispute, where the pay for the job (that could arguably be done automatically) is considerably more than it would otherwise be, specifically because they work a lot of unsociable hours - but then they went on strike because they believed they should get much more pay because of the unsociable hours!

Original poster
BeanCart · 08/03/2022 13:59

Her position is she has her older kids 4/7 plus has a partner and a young child. One works part time.His position is he has his older kids 3/7 plus has a partner and a young child. Both work full time. He pay her £300 a month. He's offered to have the kids more. She's refused.

Yes this is it basically.

OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 08/03/2022 14:05

If she legitimately isn’t getting burdened with more care then he doesn’t need to increase his payment. She should work more. I say legitimately because even with the split, mothers often end up taking on more of the child burden because dad’s often cover the nights but not the associated days.

Hankunamatata · 08/03/2022 14:13

Does your husband work full time?

sofakingcool · 08/03/2022 14:26

Why does she work part time only? Surely that's a luxury, unless there's more to it?

I think that unless there's more to it (which doesn't sound the case), then she needs to sort her act out before holding her cap out...

Original poster
BeanCart · 08/03/2022 15:03

@Hankunamatata

Does your husband work full time?
Yes he does.

I say legitimately because even with the split, mothers often end up taking on more of the child burden because dad’s often cover the nights but not the associated days.

We do cover the associated days too. Whoever they are with that night does school run picking up/dropping off and obviously when it's the weekend they are with us during the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeanCart · 08/03/2022 15:04

Why does she work part time only? Surely that's a luxury, unless there's more to it?

She has a young child with her partner so could be that. But not really our problem.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 08/03/2022 15:06

YANBU and I say this as an ex

RealBecca · 08/03/2022 15:37

I'd just tell him what you've said here, you're happy for him to have the kids more so she can pick up extra hours.

NorthSouthcatlady · 08/03/2022 15:41

She needs to up her hours. I’m sure a lot of people would love to work part-time but it’s a luxury at the end of the day

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/03/2022 15:46

@Everafter20

Glittery green well done you! Let's encourage her to remove the maintenance altogether Wink before you start no I'm not and have never been in the situation but let's say I work in an area where I see what single parents choices are and the effect on their income. Too often on Mumsnet you see people encourage to pay only what the cms calculator says whilst they have no idea of actually what it is like to be in that situation but hey carry on! I love seeing single parents never be able to treat their children, struggle to hear their homes etc. I doubt she would be asking unless she really needed it. Saying work more or get a better job isn't always as easy as saying it.
My opinion as a single parent, is she needs to step up and work more. It is not for her ex to up his maintenance when he is already paying over. She has another child and a partner who should be the one to increase his amount into the household if needed, not the ex. It's simply a case of her or her partner need to sort this, not the ex.
minmooch · 08/03/2022 15:50

He pays £300 pcm for 2 children. That equates to £69.23 per week. Or £34.61 for each child. Doesn't sound a lot really towards your children. Does he pay his fair share of clothes, school uniform, shoes, school outings, school lunches etc? Or is that amount expected to cover all those things as well?

vampirewellness · 08/03/2022 15:58

@minmooch

He pays £300 pcm for 2 children. That equates to £69.23 per week. Or £34.61 for each child. Doesn't sound a lot really towards your children. Does he pay his fair share of clothes, school uniform, shoes, school outings, school lunches etc? Or is that amount expected to cover all those things as well?
He has his kids nearly 50% of the time.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 08/03/2022 16:00

@minmooch

He pays £300 pcm for 2 children. That equates to £69.23 per week. Or £34.61 for each child. Doesn't sound a lot really towards your children. Does he pay his fair share of clothes, school uniform, shoes, school outings, school lunches etc? Or is that amount expected to cover all those things as well?
Did you miss the bit where he has them close to half the time or?