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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance issue AIBU

118 replies

BeanCart · 07/03/2022 13:18

Married to my husband who has two children aged 9 and 12 and we have one 2 year old together.

My step children live with us 3 nights a week and he pays £300 a month via a private agreement not calculator. This is nearly £150 a month more than the calculator amount although I appreciate those calculations are not typically enough.

Anyway, to my question...

I'm the higher earner, I earn quite a lot more than my husband as I am fortunately pretty successfully self employed however I like to save a lot. Especially due to not having an official pension through an employer.

My husband's ex works part time in the NHS and has told him that she's struggling and is worrying about the increase in bills and things coming up.

Unfortunately he would struggle to give more whilst still contributing fairly to our home (I already pay more toward our home and bills due to the difference in earning).

I'm receiving pressure from my husband via his ex to help with this. He is a little bit spineless when it comes to his ex and often just agrees to things for an easier life.

I really do not want to do this. Our own bills will be increasing substantially as with everyone and it's important to me that I have some spare available to save.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Inkyblue123 · 07/03/2022 15:50

It’s not your responsibility, but it is his.

lanthanum · 07/03/2022 15:50

It obviously depends on distance/logistics, but could you offer to have them a little more but without any more overnights, so that she doesn't feel she's losing her role as the primary carer? It might be that if you could have them after school just until she finishes work, that would enable her to increase her hours.

Everafter20 · 07/03/2022 15:53

Sparrow land I don't need to lower myself to insults like you. I have clearly asked people to consider her position without the other issues at play in these circumstances. If it was a male or a female I would be saying the same. It helps to read all the posts as you would of seen I work with single parent families and helping with their income so please don't make this about a male female argument as it is not relevant.

Neenawneenaw76 · 07/03/2022 15:54

Nope, not your problem.

SparrowLand · 07/03/2022 15:56

@Everafter20

Sparrow land I don't need to lower myself to insults like you. I have clearly asked people to consider her position without the other issues at play in these circumstances. If it was a male or a female I would be saying the same. It helps to read all the posts as you would of seen I work with single parent families and helping with their income so please don't make this about a male female argument as it is not relevant.
She isn’t a single parent family so that point is completely null. She has a partner who she has another child with.
vampirewellness · 07/03/2022 15:56

Hmm. She definitely needs to at least start considering working more hours.

What dies she plan to do when the kids are out of education and he won't be paying maintenance any more?

CityHigh · 07/03/2022 15:57

@Everafter20

Actually she didn't say he couldn't afford it she said he couldn't equally contribute to the household out goings of a high earner which could mean they lead a lovely comfortable life and have nice cars, holidays and are able to save. Maybe he should get a better job then by your reasoning Wink
Why should he have to? Who has mentioned nice cars and holidays? You are just making things up.
SparrowLand · 07/03/2022 15:58

@Everafter20 Also missing where I insulted you? Telling you that you sound ridiculous, when you do, is not an insult.

Everafter20 · 07/03/2022 15:59

I didn't state a fact I said 'which could mean'. If I was making it up I would of said they have nice cars.

CityHigh · 07/03/2022 16:01

How old is her other child OP? Is that the main reason why she doesn’t work full time? I can understand that it could be harder for her to work young time with a small child but I don’t think you or your DP should be paying more for that choice, especially when he’s already paying double what he has to. If she’s choosing not to work full time because she has a small child with her new DP then I think that’s something he should be contributing more to not your family.

Original poster
BeanCart · 07/03/2022 16:05

@CityHigh

How old is her other child OP? Is that the main reason why she doesn’t work full time? I can understand that it could be harder for her to work young time with a small child but I don’t think you or your DP should be paying more for that choice, especially when he’s already paying double what he has to. If she’s choosing not to work full time because she has a small child with her new DP then I think that’s something he should be contributing more to not your family.
It may well be, they are about 3.

As you say though, not sure how that becomes our problem!

OP posts:
Tomnooktoldmeto · 07/03/2022 16:08

Presumably she’s working part time because like the op she has a younger child in her family set up and childcare for her new partners child costs too much

However, Thats down to her new partner to financially support not the op’s family who are financially supporting their own third child

OfstedOffred · 07/03/2022 16:16

It was her choice to have the 3 year old.if as a result she is struggling to work FT and her family budget is tight it sounds like the 3 yo's father needs to step up.

Marmight · 07/03/2022 16:17

I know that this isn't the main point of your OP but...
You need to save into a pension to take advantages of the tax breaks.
ISA's and other types of savings do not attract tax relief when paying in.
You are literally losing money before you even start.

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2022 16:18

Why is she making her problems your problems? Oh that’s easy because your dp already pays her extra and she knows he might bend.

The fact that she works part time and has three kids means she’ll be getting plenty too ups not to mention maintenance from two different fathers.

She is a chancer.

Ellie56 · 07/03/2022 16:24

YANBU OP. It is not for you to subsidise the Ex's household and the new family. Your husband already pays more than the going rate for his children and they live with you for nearly half the week.

Ex and her DP need to sort their own financial problems out. Like PP have said she could increase her working hours.

ToryRussians · 07/03/2022 16:29

Can he earn more money then??

Cantleave · 07/03/2022 16:33

I think he is being very fair as it is. On top of what he is giving her, she will also be getting just over £35 a week in Child Benefit. That on top of the £300 a month he gives her, means she is getting an average of just over £450 extra per month, for having the children one more night a week than your dh looks after them.

Reading your last update, rather than thinking her ex (via you) should up his payments, maybe her own partner could be putting more into the pot?

SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2022 16:33

@ToryRussians

Can he earn more money then??
Can their mother who thinks she only has to work part time?
SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2022 16:41

@Everafter20

She probably continues working part time as she won't get tax credits etc and would be worse off working more making it difficult for them to eat etc. I think £300 per month for two children doesn't sound much. I calculated for one child and it was 234 per month so he must be on a really low income? I feel really sorry for single mums trying make ends meet. You could have a much higher standard of living making it harder for him to contribute equally to your household not because he is pay for his children.
He has them 50, less days a week and pays £3600. Given he's paying a SHARE he's paying £34 for that one day. That works up to £242 a week for each child and that's his half. So each child would effectively be getting £484 a week to live off per child.
BlueOverYellow · 07/03/2022 16:50

I'd say no based on everything you've posted so far.

He's overpaying would CMS would require by quite a bit.
He already has them 50% of the time.
He does his fair share of school runs and weekends by the sound of it.
She is only working part time; she could try to increase her hours, new job, etc.
He needs to pay for the rising expenses in his own home, too, not just rely on you to do so.
SHE has a partner, too. Why are you expected to carry more of the lad for their mutual children, but her partner isn't?

TricksAnd · 07/03/2022 17:27

Yanbu

GreMay1 · 07/03/2022 17:36

@Everafter20

She probably continues working part time as she won't get tax credits etc and would be worse off working more making it difficult for them to eat etc. I think £300 per month for two children doesn't sound much. I calculated for one child and it was 234 per month so he must be on a really low income? I feel really sorry for single mums trying make ends meet. You could have a much higher standard of living making it harder for him to contribute equally to your household not because he is pay for his children.
That's what I wondered too. I have 1 DS and get more than £234 for one child. Although our shared care isn't 3 nights every week.
ivegotthisyeah · 07/03/2022 17:50

@Everafter20

Glittery green well done you! Let's encourage her to remove the maintenance altogether Wink before you start no I'm not and have never been in the situation but let's say I work in an area where I see what single parents choices are and the effect on their income. Too often on Mumsnet you see people encourage to pay only what the cms calculator says whilst they have no idea of actually what it is like to be in that situation but hey carry on! I love seeing single parents never be able to treat their children, struggle to hear their homes etc. I doubt she would be asking unless she really needed it. Saying work more or get a better job isn't always as easy as saying it.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
OverCCCs · 07/03/2022 17:53

Sounds to me like BOTH DH and Ex should look to increase their salaries. They chose to have three children each and shouldn’t be relying on new partners to make up the difference for both families.