To think most people treat friends like they're disposable?

[IcecreamOnTheDaily]

I'm a person who has always valued really close friendships. Regardless of whether I've been single or not, my close friends are extremely important to me and I'm willing to put in the work to be consistent and reliable and there when they need me - if I'm particularly busy I'll still ensure to check in when I can and be there even if it's not super-convenient for me. Some of my friends I consider closer than my own family.

We often get told relationships take work and effort, but I'm finding increasingly that people don't apply this principle to friendships. It seems like a lot of people only want friendships on their own terms and purely at their own convenience - talk to me only when I feel like it, I'll reply only when I feel like it. It's socially acceptable to distance yourself from friends and fade them out of your life without any explanation, and if you feel upset at this, you're labelled 'clingy'. We're seemingly not allowed to have any expectations from friends, let alone articulate them. I find this especially strange given that many friendships last far longer than romantic relationships and our close friends may know us just as well, if not better, than our partners!

Of course, the same principle applies to friendships as romantic relationships, that no one should put up with toxic or abusive behaviour. I also get that people change and circumstances can impact our ability to be present as friends. But I do struggle with the idea that there is zero commitment in friendships and that people are happy to let them 'drift' or distance themselves without any explanation, even where people have been in each other's lives for decades. I have a best friend who is currently distancing herself from me without explanation and it is bloody hurtful, just as hurtful as previous break-ups even.

@EmmaH2022

MRex "rather than simply demand that they give you more time because that's what you want"

Has anyone here said they do that though? I can't imagine demanding someone's time.

But isn't that what the OP is asking -- for a specific friend to give her more of her time?

Erin that's not how I interpreted it at all.

@MRex

I agree. When it comes to new acquaintances, I am really looking for people who have the same flexible mindset regarding friendships. If someone seems like they expect a friendship to be the be all and end all and something that is obligation based and must be serviced regardless of circumstances or inclination than I would usually back away.

When I meet people like the OP, I don’t dislike them, but I am self-aware enough to know that we can’t really be friends and so I would probably keep her at arm’s-length.

blue "When I meet people like the OP,"

How would you realise that you have met "someone like OP"?

Really interested in these responses. Now thinking one of the sudden disappearances wasn't that sudden, but why she couldn't have just said "you're being too full on", I will never know. This is someone I saw every two months. Now wondering if she wanted company for particular things or the odd night her other friends and DH weren't around.

Most definitely.

You choose your friends unlike your family.

You often share the most deepest of thoughts and opinions with friends, so the bond is strong.

I'm married but I value my friendships as much as my marriage.

Why? Because I need more then one person to discuss things with and because a fair few I've known the same length/longer than DH.

DH knows how much I value friendships.

Jenny is broken up with during the night? I'll chat to her all night if it helps her.

Amanda needs to vent about her brothers behaviour? I'm there

Harry needs someone to look after his pet as a relative is I'll? I'll come feed it.

Friendships are love, without romance in essence.

Ahh you sound amazing. I agree, friendships are love. I must admit, I wouldn't be talking about a break up at night though....!

I think YABU. You can't compare most platonic friendships to a romantic relationship. They aren't exclusive so can ebb and flow in a way that romantic relationships can't. If a friend drifts away for a while (or for ever) there will be other friends to fill the gap, most people can't say that about a partner or spouse!

I am retired and I have friends I've known since school so 50 odd years. Some of them I didn't see or talk to for years on end because our life paths diverged. Then we will reconnect after 5/10 years and it's like I saw them yesterday. I have other people who have become 'stealth friends'. They were once just casual acquaintances but after a couple of decades I suddenly realise that they've become really good mates without me even noticing.

Friendships are an absolute blessing. I love my friends and as our nests empty and our parents age we become ever more important to each other. But they don't have to be even or symmetrical to be of value. Some people are great hosts, some are great organisers, some are good at keeping in touch, some are crap at it. I just enjoy them while they are present.

Hi I have a few friends. Have noticed in past year though I seem to be doing all the running/arranging. It has be 2 ways. Im trying join new things and meet new people

Jenny is broken up with during the night? I'll chat to her all night if it helps her.
I can't imagine a life that's quiet enough to do this.
I have a young child and complex career, it isn't possible to give up 8 hours of time for one friend and still turn up for my own life. I also don't think it's healthy for anyone to wallow in their problems all night long; talk things through, allow the sadness to have its moment, but come out the other side with a plan even if it's only how to get through the next 24 hours and then sleep, because sleep is how the mind heals best. So I don't see this throwaway as you being an "amazing friend", it's just about having nothing else to do.

Harry needs someone to look after his pet as a relative is I'll? I'll come feed it.
That's more something you ask a neighbour to do, or pay a teenager or dog walker.

Friendships are an absolute blessing. I love my friends and as our nests empty and our parents age we become ever more important to each other. But they don't have to be even or symmetrical to be of value. Some people are great hosts, some are great organisers, some are good at keeping in touch, some are crap at it. I just enjoy them while they are present.

@Everydaydayisaschoolday I love this. This is how I feel about my friends too.

@Helocariad

Friendships are an absolute blessing. I love my friends and as our nests empty and our parents age we become ever more important to each other. But they don't have to be even or symmetrical to be of value. Some people are great hosts, some are great organisers, some are good at keeping in touch, some are crap at it. I just enjoy them while they are present.

@Everydaydayisaschoolday I love this. This is how I feel about my friends too.

Yes, I like @Helocariad's post, too. I get bemused by the anxious counting-up of who contacted who first, who 'checks in' most, who organises nights out that I see on here, and people saying 'So I stopped contacting her, and I was right! She wasn't really my friend and I had no contact from her!' Which weirdly seems to sit alongside people who bustle around doing endless things for 'friends' they don't appear to like at all, under the impression that friendship = service.

@Erinyes I totally get what you're saying. But judging from here, lol, so many people seem to find their friends annoying / needy / irritating that it does make you paranoid to contact them. So you end up feeling like, maybe you should wait and see if they contact you / organise something from their side. To make sure they don't secretly despise you !

@MRex

I stayed up with one particular friend all night to talk about her breaking up in my youth..( say early 20s)
I was exhausted the next day...absolutely exhausted and had 2 small children. I phoned in motherhood those days.
Only to have her call the next day giggling to say they had made up.
It didn't take long for me to realize how selfish she was...just using me to vent. errrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh...

I can’t be very nice, and the whole concept of “close” friendships (you kept repeating the word close) makes me feel a bit claustrophobic. But I feel the same when someone talks about “a close family”.

That said I still have friends from school (I’m 43 and have friends from primary and secondary school), post graduate college and other walks of life we’ve now moved on from. And plenty of local friends who are people I see frequently. But I don’t really see an obligation to or from them. I’d like to think both parties see each other because they want to, not because of a commitment.

That said, it might all just be a matter of semantics because I probably am quite a loyal friend.

[quote worriedbabymum]@Erinyes I totally get what you're saying. But judging from here, lol, so many people seem to find their friends annoying / needy / irritating that it does make you paranoid to contact them. So you end up feeling like, maybe you should wait and see if they contact you / organise something from their side. To make sure they don't secretly despise you ! [/quote]
Honestly, @worriedbabymum, I wouldn't judge friendships by what you read on here, any more than I would judge all relationships by the frankly awful ones that appear with such regularity on the Relationships board -- I think in both cases, they're people who've had poor models, developed poor boundaries, and bad luck with relationships, whether sexual and friend ones.

I don't have any friends I dislike/find annoying, needy, irritating, or secretly despise. I don't withdraw as a test of their friendship to see if they contact me. If they don't get in touch for a while I don't think they're' ghosting' me, I just think they have stuff going on. I'm delighted to have them in my life.

@Erinyes you make a good point.

This

@Erinyes since discovering MN I discovered so many attitudes I never realise existed. Not just on the friendship front, but in general. Whilst I think it has been useful for me to see other points of view, I sometimes now assume everything and everyone secretly feels this way and I just never realised it before. Haha.

I need to learn to take things at face value more I think. In real life I mean. I just assume everyone is secretly seething..

@Shesmyperson

Hmm I am not sure on this one.

My best friend is like a sister. She is actually now my sil. However, out relationship works because no one gets offended if the tiger doesn't check in or message back immediately. We both appreciate that between kids, work, studying and commitments they all bring that its not always possible. We both know that if one can't do something or cancels there's good reason. We know what we mean to eachother and that's the basis. We don't question how much the other means to each other. We know.

However, when my mum died and called her, she dropped everything and turned up. We both know if the other calls its probably important and answer. And when she has needed me, I have dropped everything and gone.

I think often friendships fail or fade because people gave mismatched expectations. And that's not always the fault of the one that's not in touch so much.

I think finding the right friendships for you can be just as difficult as finding a romantic relationship that's right for you. You need to get on and be on the same page regarding how a friendship works.

This i mean

My friendships aren’t hard work. If they are then I’m not interested. I don’t do drama.

My two best friends, which also happen to be my most enduring friendships, work because we don’t put any pressure or have any expectations of each other. We can go weeks without seeing one another, days without texting or calling. There is respect, we try not to let each other down but equally, we won’t commit to anything where we might end up cancelling. Our relationships aren’t perfect, we piss each other off sometimes but in the main, we know what we are there for each other when the chips are down, when it matters.

[quote worriedbabymum]@Erinyes since discovering MN I discovered so many attitudes I never realise existed. Not just on the friendship front, but in general. Whilst I think it has been useful for me to see other points of view, I sometimes now assume everything and everyone secretly feels this way and I just never realised it before. Haha.

I need to learn to take things at face value more I think. In real life I mean. I just assume everyone is secretly seething.. [/quote]
A friend of mine stopped coming on Mn for exactly this reason. She said she realised that imagining everyone was secretly judging her every time she gave her child her phone in a café or a packed lunch that wasn’t nutritionally perfect was starting to do her head in.

"you can't force someone to keep up a friendship if that's not what they want to do" if someone refuses to keep up a friendship then there's no point of the friendship at all and that seems like that's how people use and take advantage of others

I feel like I've spent my entire life (I'm approaching 50) listening to advice that if I don't do x, y and z I'll end up a lonely old woman and the irony is that having done or tried to do those things, I've created a life for myself filled with people and noise and while I love my kids to bits and will be happy about any interaction they look for as adults, the rest of it can really get in the bin.