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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pils treating us unfairly?

170 replies

pilmoaner · 06/03/2022 19:58

Ok so pils own a second home which they do holiday rentals. We get to use it for a week once a year and just pay expenses (electric/cleaner etc). as does sil and her family. We have to use it in school hols as I work in a school. Sil tends to do term time as their ds is only 1. We have generally gone in summer hols as it's been our only hol due to not being able to afford another holiday. We realise this is a busy time but sil tends to use it 5/6 weekends a year on top whereas we only do the one week so we figured it equals out. This year for first time in many years we have book a holiday abroad in summer, we talked about going to seaside house too n decided to see if we could have the house spring half term. Pils have said the can't really let us have it peak time any more due to fact they can rent it. This means we can only go oct or feb half terms which seaside is a bit lacking for kids out of season. But sil n family will continue to use it for a week in june plus numerous weekends. We can't do weekends as dh works plus too far to go one night. Usually due to lack of money this is our only hol. We did enquire how much to cover loss so we could still go but it's more than we can afford to pay. The think is if you add up the losses for all sils uses it's prob not much different to our week it's just more spread out. Aibu to be a bit peeved?

OP posts:
PiperPosey · 06/03/2022 22:53

OOPS I quoted wrong post..I meant to post the one with the list regarding what daughter got and what they got..sorry.

THEDEACON · 06/03/2022 22:53

You aren't be unreasonable to feel that your family is not being treated as well as your husband's sister and her family however YABU for using PILS as shorthand for Parents in law PIL

PiperPosey · 06/03/2022 22:54

"TBH, I would cut my losses and forget about it. If you love the area, book a different house exactly where you want to go nearby."
But then they will have to pay! OMG...

Lou98 · 06/03/2022 22:55

@PiperPosey that's okay, I did assume you quoted me by mistake

Original poster
pilmoaner · 06/03/2022 23:04

@THEDEACON

You aren't be unreasonable to feel that your family is not being treated as well as your husband's sister and her family however YABU for using PILS as shorthand for Parents in law PIL
I'm very sorry it won't happen again
OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 06/03/2022 23:09

I’m honestly not sure why you think you’d be ‘offered’ the use at a weekend when presumably PILs know that your child has school on the Monday? And you won’t go for one night? And I presume you’re also not privy to every single conversation so don’t actually know that SIL is ‘offered’ every time and doesn’t just say “you know mum, if you don’t have a booking next weekend do you mind if I use the holiday home?”

All the other stuff is immaterial - clearly they do more for your SIL because she lives closer [closer]. Of course it’s unfair if your husband as their son is treated differently, but honestly none of your posts read that you are, just that you perceive you are because you live further away and have both a child in school and work in a school so don’t have the same free time as SIL.

I mean, I’m a little jealous my mum lives ten minutes from my sister and therefore has babysat double the amount of times for her child than she has for mine (hers is 6 months and mine are 13!) but we live 200 miles away so it’s not ‘unfair’ it’s just how the chips have fallen!

Avig14 · 06/03/2022 23:25

I’m sorry if you felt it was harsh. That wasn’t my intention.

My husband (the son) doesn’t get anywhere near the same help or treatment as the daughter does ( and we all live very near my in laws). My parents are not around to support or help us, so I understand how you feel.

The less you expect from your in laws, the happier you will be. I say this from experience!

I still think it’s lovely if your in laws to offer you the holiday home!

Ponchek · 06/03/2022 23:30

OP I don't know why people are being like this - I personally think it's something that's easy for your PIL to give you, and it's mean of them not to.

PiperPosey · 06/03/2022 23:46

[quote Lou98]@PiperPosey that's okay, I did assume you quoted me by mistake [/quote]
Thank you Lou... Cake

AskingforaBaskin · 07/03/2022 00:19

@Ponchek

OP I don't know why people are being like this - I personally think it's something that's easy for your PIL to give you, and it's mean of them not to.
Why should PIL miss out on such a substantial pay out?
Original poster
pilmoaner · 07/03/2022 00:30

@Avig14 Sorry I meant not letting you use their holiday place!

OP posts:
Londoncallingme · 07/03/2022 00:50

@PiperPosey

Not only are you being unreasonable...You are selfish for not wanting them to earn extra income. And I'm sure that you are making them feel bad for not accomadating them. Selfish.
Calm down…Ops a bit peeved. You don’t even know her! Why so nasty?
incognitoforthisone · 07/03/2022 01:47

But you're already having a holiday abroad, so why would you expect your PILs to put themselves out of pocket for you to have a second holiday as well? You're acting as if they're depriving you of your only chance for a holiday because you can't afford to pay them, but what's actually happened is that you could afford to pay them but you chose a different holiday abroad instead. They've also offered you a free week away in October, but because you don't seem familiar with the concept of 'beggars can't be choosers' you've turned it down because it's not to your liking.

So, yeah, YABVU to be peeved. You're having a summer holiday abroad out of choice, and you've been offered a free week away in October as well. I don't think that's anything for you to be moaning about, frankly.

PiperPosey · 07/03/2022 02:14

"Calm down…Ops a bit peeved. You don’t even know her! Why so nasty?"

Hmmm...An adult putting a list of what her MIL does for each of their kids...is ridiculous.
I don't have to know her to know how childish this behavior is.
Selfish because she isn't willing to accept the fact that her MIL and FIL will make much more money renting it as opposed to giving it to them for free.
I'm not nasty I am a realist...

BlondeWidow · 07/03/2022 02:27

@pilmoaner I save up 40% of my measly income 11 months a year just to take my little girl to a grotty static caravan on a holiday park in low season when the weather isn't even nice because I can't afford to take her anywhere in the summer holidays. It absolutely BREAKS me.

You're getting this for next to FREE!

Jesus H Christ on a flipping Scooter

PiperPosey · 07/03/2022 02:43

I'm just glad a lot of NASTY posters agree with me...
Thank you all. Grin

RoseGoldEagle · 07/03/2022 03:04

Taking weather into account there are maybe 9 weeks in the year that are both school holidays and fairly likely to be nice weather? Of course it’s fine for your PIL to rent their place to fully paying customers for that very small number of peak weeks! It’s not even that they’re saying you have to go out of holidays entirely- you could go Feb or Oct! And presumably you can’t afford to pay the shortfall as you’re already paying for another holiday- that’s not their fault!

mummyh2016 · 07/03/2022 05:37

Spring half term this year is probably going to be their most lucrative week due to the jubilee. We're away that week in a popular area as we're attending a wedding. I booked our week in July last year, if I was booking it now it would cost me double as availability has plummeted.
You've got 2 options. You either go in February or October or take your child out of school for a week in June or September.

Momijin · 07/03/2022 05:48

I think they can probably guarantee to book it during the summer, especially now with covid and the war, people are holidaying in the UK. Whereas weekends are probably not fully booked. They have been in essence giving you money as they would have earned the money if they had rented it out.

ChoiceMummy · 07/03/2022 06:13

@pilmoaner
I widbwr if you've actually calculated the difference or what you feel you were having monetarily versus sister? Thinking it's about the same is very different from knowing. I've been shocked by price differences between school holidays/peak and other periods myself.

I also wonder whether the SIL because she's local and presumably sees her parents very regularly, quite simply takes advantage of asking is it free this weekend and uses it last minute when it's not booked? So though maybe breaking the weekly booking thing is viable to do so, in that if not booked by say Thursday or Friday it's fairly likely to say it wouldn't be.... Did she go to the house with her parents too?

As for listing the other involvement that sil has with pil, that's a tad unfair and maybe you being reflective of what you can't have with your parents but would have liked. So maybe focus on trying to have more meaningful quality time with them moving forward?

Shesmyperson · 07/03/2022 06:17

Op, I dont easy to over step. But I think you obsession with fairness is (potentially) part of your grieving for your mum and feelings a our your dad being in a home.

My mum died recently and everything does feel unfair. Really unfair.

However, on 95% of these threads where dils are complaining their pil are not fair, it always transpires they live further away than the sil, they perceive as being treated better.

Its a huge factor. Your sil and your husband likey have very different relationships with their parents. Most of which you won't be privy to.

Dbro and my sil went through a phase of saying I was treated better than they were. After we all talked it out their perceived slights were just that. Perceived. They now understood that I was closer to mum and dad and they spent more time with my kids because I made more of an effort.

I would visit them, to see them, not just when dropping the kids off for babysitting. I would take mum for appointments if dad was working. I would have them over for dinner. I would take them out, to take them out. Sil made it clear that her family was the primary family. And that was fine. But dbro made very little effort to actually care about them.

When mum died, just because Christmas, my brother is became full of regret about not fostering that relationship and is trying to make it up with dad. Dbro is a sahp so definitely had more time than me, but decides to priortise other things. They moved closer to sils mum which meant they didn't see my mum and dad ubl3ss they needed something.

And that's not actually wrong. But relationships are reciprocal. My Mum and Dad were a primary relationship for me. But not for dbro and sil. And again, it's not wrong. Also because they lived further away, their view of the situation wasnt clear.

Again though, I am not close with my mil. Because dp isn't. She is very close with her youngest dd. Again because of dd fostering the relationship. I do make an effort with mil and will visit just to visit, but not like I do with own parents. I will visit without dp. But I don't put as much effort in as I do with my own parents, so don't get the same out.

Just a different point of view for you to think about.

NorwegianCoastGard · 07/03/2022 06:38

I have a holiday rental on the coast and it is the Easter holidays and summer school holidays where you make the most money by far. I also say to people who want to use it at 'mates rates' that this if fine but outside of peak holiday season.

With covid we lost a lot of bookings, but still have the maintenance etc. It is totally understandable in my view. Tibet probably though this year as you were having a holiday abroad you would not need another summer holiday at their place.

Unpopular37 · 07/03/2022 06:42

Do you watch TV? Are you able to access media? I ask only because you clearly can't read a room. I am sure a Ukranian mother and her children, or indeed any other refufee or homeless family, would appreciate an off-peak break, even if there 'isn't much to do'

Lobelia123 · 07/03/2022 06:46

Im pretty sure this is a fake post. The OP only comes back to drop little incendiary matches into the discussion to keep the fire going.

converseandjeans · 07/03/2022 06:46

Sorry for your loss but your inlaws are not your parents and not going to treat you the same as they would their dd its unreasonable to expect them to do. They already do enough.

OP you are getting a hard time on here. It sounds like SIL gets a huge amount of help & if you had that amount of childcare & dog sitting you would be criticised on here.

In my case it was DB who was favoured - yes he lived locally - but the reasoning was that SIL had fallen out with her own family. We could never even see my parents weekends as they were tied up with my DB children. They came on a weekend a few times for birthdays but got cold shoulder from DB & SIL as it affected them & so they just stopped coming. Yes it's hurtful.

However I think the holiday cottage is a separate issue. This year in May it's longer bank holiday & so I think they can ask for more rent. I would go in October as it's a good week to go if weather is nice.