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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pils treating us unfairly?

170 replies

pilmoaner · 06/03/2022 19:58

Ok so pils own a second home which they do holiday rentals. We get to use it for a week once a year and just pay expenses (electric/cleaner etc). as does sil and her family. We have to use it in school hols as I work in a school. Sil tends to do term time as their ds is only 1. We have generally gone in summer hols as it's been our only hol due to not being able to afford another holiday. We realise this is a busy time but sil tends to use it 5/6 weekends a year on top whereas we only do the one week so we figured it equals out. This year for first time in many years we have book a holiday abroad in summer, we talked about going to seaside house too n decided to see if we could have the house spring half term. Pils have said the can't really let us have it peak time any more due to fact they can rent it. This means we can only go oct or feb half terms which seaside is a bit lacking for kids out of season. But sil n family will continue to use it for a week in june plus numerous weekends. We can't do weekends as dh works plus too far to go one night. Usually due to lack of money this is our only hol. We did enquire how much to cover loss so we could still go but it's more than we can afford to pay. The think is if you add up the losses for all sils uses it's prob not much different to our week it's just more spread out. Aibu to be a bit peeved?

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 06/03/2022 22:22

saraclara

Is the son on mn bitching about his parents and how unfair it is? It's op who is, they choose to live away from inlaws I suspect the sister does alot more for her parents and maintains a regular relationship and they with her, they still offer childcare to ops child but its alot harder when they live 20miles away. Are they suppose to limit interactions with sils children because of this? The fact op had listed everything that sils get says it all.

CarrieHughes · 06/03/2022 22:22

OP I get that it seems unfair but you're the ones who choose to move away. SIL gets more help because she's closer.
However... presumably as PIL's age... SIL will take care of everything and you needn't be involved?

Wallywobbles · 06/03/2022 22:22

Holiday rentals have about 5 peak weeks a year in Northern Europe. You can only sell each week once. You want 20% of their peak season.

There are 47 non peak weekends a year. Do you see the difference?

Original poster
pilmoaner · 06/03/2022 22:23

By the way I did only ask if it would be ok to be 'a bit peeved.'I'm not full on raging or anything,

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 06/03/2022 22:25

@pilmoaner

I find the how people treat their kids really interesting. So pils obviously treat sil and dh differently and people say "but she's their daughter." I wonder if it was other way round people would say "but he's their son of course he should be treated better"
But they don't 'treat' them different.

You are asking for more than they give her.

Bananarama21 · 06/03/2022 22:25

pilmoaner seriously op you still get childcare just not as regular. ARe they suppose to limit contact with their grandchildren on your say so, to make it fair because your not local? It's not their fault you live away. You have no right to put expectations on people's relationships with their dc.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/03/2022 22:26

Well in 4 years she will get the same deal as you Confused because she won't we able to go out of school holidays

I don't think you're being treated differently- I own a holiday home and it's rented in August at £1000 a week (the school holiday rental pays the years mortgage)

At the moment it's not rented in June at all 🤷‍♀️

I just couldn't afford to give someone a £1000 but you'd be welcome in June Grin

It's just cos her kid is younger - if they'd had the place when your kid was a baby you could have gone then ?

Bananarama21 · 06/03/2022 22:27

Daily mail will have a field day with this thread and if i was your inlaws and I saw your post as its easily identifiable I'd redraw my offer of allowing you to use my holiday home due to your entitled behaviour and I'd give you a wide berth.

TellMeMoreHellebore · 06/03/2022 22:28

who says they 'should be' treating them equally though? who makes up that rule?

we are talking about grown adults with different circumstances. you dont parent your kids forever making everything equal for them like you did when they were in primary school!!!

Nokiding · 06/03/2022 22:29

YABU

Lou98 · 06/03/2022 22:33

Sil gets -
Free childcare several days a week plus odd weekends
Cleaner (mil)
Gardener (fil)
Free dog sitter Mon-Fri
Holiday home one week a year plus several weekends
Dh gets -
Holiday home one week a year oct/feb half term only
Occasional overnight stay for dd maybe once every few months.
Sil does live in same town we live 20 mile away

Are you kidding? Obviously your SIL gets more of this - she lives down the road! You're 20 miles away! Do you expect them to travel to you to provide child care to?

You've not said the age of your DD but presumably they get child care "several times a week" because their child is 1 and so doesn't go to school so they need the childcare to work and are down the road so it's easy for them, same goes for the dog.
You say odd weekends but you also get odd weekends - that's more child care than a lot of people get from their parents or in-laws.

You're trying to make your list sound worse when it isn't, phrasing it as SIL getting "holiday home one week a year and several weekends" whereas you get "one week term time only" - term time only has just started this year, don't forget the years they gave you it at peak time, for free. You also could have weekends - it's you and your DH that can't do it because of your shifts at work.

You're trying to be petty and make it out as if they favour your SIL when from everything you've said, it's simply that they live closer so it's more practical. If you want more help - why not move to the same area? Presumably you don't want that, you want them to accommodate you?

You sound like a child "but she gets this so we should too"

LovedayCL · 06/03/2022 22:34

I think you’re probably going to get your actual answer on this when SIL’s children are school age. However, if you alienate them now then you won’t know whether it’s a fair comparison. I imagine she’s getting the weekends that are free whereas half term is a large percentage of their takings, presumably.

I do understand your feelings though. Feelings aren’t about what’s logical or rational and theirs will not necessarily be either. I’m so sorry about your parents Flowers

Cynderella · 06/03/2022 22:39

I would stop comparing what your parents-in law do for their children - that's their choice. I think, as PP have said, they have a closer relationship with the family who live nearby perhaps because of a mother/daughter bond or because they see more of each other. I was in your situation (living away from family) and while I envied my brothers being closer to my mother, I completely understood why it happened. A bit of envy is OK, but best not to let it become resentment.

Avig14 · 06/03/2022 22:39

My in laws have a holiday home which they have never let us use. They don’t rent it out. They simply refuse to share it with any of the family. So count yourself lucky!

Also a daughter will usually be given preferred treatment over a dil, and from the sound of it your pils offer her the same as what they have offered you. Sounds like great in laws tbh!

HikingforScenery · 06/03/2022 22:40

Yes yabvu. You sound entitled. Be grateful they’ve allowed you to use it all those previous times. Why should pil lose out on their income?

saraclara · 06/03/2022 22:41

@TellMeMoreHellebore

who says they 'should be' treating them equally though? who makes up that rule?

we are talking about grown adults with different circumstances. you dont parent your kids forever making everything equal for them like you did when they were in primary school!!!

I'm the parent of grown up children. And there is no way that in this situation I would treat them differently.

This is not a situation where OP's DH is in a better financial situation than his sister, so this is not about equity rather than equal treatment. The parents' son is no less deserving of their generosity than his sister is.

PiperPosey · 06/03/2022 22:41

Not only are you being unreasonable...You are selfish for not wanting them to earn extra income.
And I'm sure that you are making them feel bad for not accomadating them. Selfish.

PiperPosey · 06/03/2022 22:42

OOPs accamadating YOU.

saraclara · 06/03/2022 22:42

Also a daughter will usually be given preferred treatment over a dil,

Again, this is about a SON (OP's husband) and daughter, @Avig14. Not a DIL and DD.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 06/03/2022 22:47

You sound very young OP. You are being very unreasonable.
You can't go to the holiday home at weekends but you want your PIL to offer you weekends?
You want a peak holiday letting week and are annoyed they have said no to this.
They offered alternative weeks but you don't want to go if the weather isn't nice.
Meanwhile their own child comes and goes during off peak times and you are counting the financial cost of this. Its none of your business. Be grateful for being offered anything. There may come a time when you will be very thankful for being able to use it for off peak weekends so my advice is not to burn your bridges.

Original poster
pilmoaner · 06/03/2022 22:47

@Avig14

My in laws have a holiday home which they have never let us use. They don’t rent it out. They simply refuse to share it with any of the family. So count yourself lucky!

Also a daughter will usually be given preferred treatment over a dil, and from the sound of it your pils offer her the same as what they have offered you. Sounds like great in laws tbh!

Wow that's harsh
OP posts:
TellMeMoreHellebore · 06/03/2022 22:48

@saraclara yeah i have grown up dc too

with different circumstances....but our family support each other and one sibling can recognise anothers circs. squabbling over a free holiday while the pils lose out on peak holiday bookings and moaning 'its not fair' is pathetic

Original poster
pilmoaner · 06/03/2022 22:49

@LovedayCL

I think you’re probably going to get your actual answer on this when SIL’s children are school age. However, if you alienate them now then you won’t know whether it’s a fair comparison. I imagine she’s getting the weekends that are free whereas half term is a large percentage of their takings, presumably.

I do understand your feelings though. Feelings aren’t about what’s logical or rational and theirs will not necessarily be either. I’m so sorry about your parents Flowers

Thank you. Yes if the rules change then I reserve right to be irritated!
OP posts:
PiperPosey · 06/03/2022 22:50

@Lou98

Also the loss they take for all sils visits is similar to loss for us to have it one peak week

I doubt it's similar. It may work out the same cost roughly if it was rented out all the time SIL uses it but the fact is it's harder to rent a holiday property (especially one near the seaside) the rest of the year. Chances are that at least half of the time SIL uses it, it might have been empty otherwise so your PILs wouldn't have been making anything on it anyway, whereas, in the school summer holidays, it would be unlikely that they wouldn't get a booking so losing money every time you use it.

I imagine it's also got a lot to do with the fact that a lot more people are now holidaying in the UK this year so they can make the money from it. They also probably figured since you're going abroad this year it's quite cheeky to still want a week during peak times.

YAB massively U. You sound like a spoiled child - they don't owe you anything and they can offer it to SIL whenever they like, it's their property

Wow! Are you an adult? I never ever kept track of what my parents did or did not do for my siblings. Yes when I was young. If one got a treat and I didn't...but as an adult?

I didn't even know who got what in their wills. It wasn't my business. There is always a reason. Maybe they were closer ( not distance) but bond...Unbelievable OP... absolutely ludicrous...
BE GRATEFUL for what they have given you...not be bitter to what they do to others.

NinaDefoe · 06/03/2022 22:52

It all loses them money . Sil take a week plus several weekends. We take a peak week. It equals roughly same.

I understand exactly what you’re saying.
Dies your SIL only go when it is genuinely free or are her dates earmarked especially for her?
If it’s the latter then your PIL are booking her in for free holidays and if they don’t want to do the same for you, that is unfair.

TBH, I would cut my losses and forget about it. If you love the area, book a different house exactly where you want to go nearby.