When a friend wants dynamic to change, AIU to not go along with it ?

[beautifulsay]

A friend who I used to be close with, think contact every few days etc. has made it clear ( almost three years ago ). That she didn't wish for the friendship to continue in that kind of way.

She's had a lot going on and so have I. But the retreat definitely came from her. She made it clear she wants to talk only once in a while and just be cordial. Rather than actually meet etc. it really stung, not going to lie.

We have a lot of mutual friends and have seen each other at weddings a couple of times and always been very polite to each other and happy to catch up.

For some reason I don't have her on Instagram anymore but I can see she still likes a lot of mutual friends pics etc and sees people we have in common occasionally. I'm never invited, however I always invite her when I see mutual friends. It's very rare though that I or her see our mutual friends. But it just feels hostile to me, not to invite her to reunions etc. the things she's planned with mutual friends aren't really reunion type things. More like staying together to attend weddings we are all invited to. I'm making this distinction to say that there's never been a time she has invited everyone in a reunion type setting and left me out of it. Neither have I. I have invited her and she's not been able to make it. ( so she says ).

Anyway, it still stings. It's been nearly 3 years and we occasionally talk, but she keeps me massively at arms length. I don't like this dynamic. It hurts me and makes me feel rejected every time.

Can I just leave it now ? Or do I need to accept the 'friendship' the way she wants it to be ? I'll always be happy to see her when I do, say at a wedding. But other than that, I don't really want to write to her anymore and I don't want to invite her to things she never comes to, just out of some obligation - when she's made it clear she doesn't want to be a close friend to me anymore.

I think she has already left the friendship.

You’re being a mug.

Stop the invites. Be pleasant if you cross paths. Don’t give her anymore head space.

Just leave it. If she took offence at something you did or said, she should have had a conversation with you. She didn't feel the friendship was worth it, so you don't have to accept her terms.

The good thing though is that once you let it go, you can focus on relationships which are more mutually satisfying

I had this with a school friend. She really didn't want the friendship we had, I had no idea what she actually wanted though. She made it clear she didn't want to be my bridesmaid or godmother to my kids, I only got an evening invite to her wedding, she would never meet up but she'd send presents every birthday for me and the kids. Letting go was difficult and I missed her for ages.

The thing that has prompted me to write about this today is that I feel the same thing might be happening with another person close to me and it's brought back old wounds and I'm not sure how to handle it again.

It's very similar behaviour. I've had a lot going on recently and have perhaps not been as available as usual ( I'm usually very very available ). Then the person starts being cold and non descriptive in their replies on WhatsApp. I've asked if they're ok and been told all is fine and then it's just become very eerily quiet from their side.. it feels very similar and I'm feeling panicked I'm going to lose this person too. Or be made to accept a new, frosty relationship. The person it's happening with at the moment is a family member, so it's a lot more complicated. I've been scarred by what happened with my friend and I'm terrified it's happening again, because the behaviour is so similar. I've literally got a migraine and a horrible pit in my stomach, as I can't make sense of it.

@spotcheck

Just leave it. If she took offence at something you did or said, she should have had a conversation with you. She didn't feel the friendship was worth it, so you don't have to accept her terms.

The good thing though is that once you let it go, you can focus on relationships which are more mutually satisfying

This.

Thanks everyone. You're absolutely right. I won't contact her or invite her to stuff anymore. I'm sure I will feel better.

Don't invite her to anything anymore. That's definitely just prolonging the upset.

Do you mean just stop talking to her at all? Yes, of course you can do that.

I've sort of been on the other side of this and tried to maintain a cordial, civil sort of relationship with plenty of distance, with a family member. It came after some major fall outs and her badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. She didn't want a cordial relationship, but seemed to want an all or nothing thing, where either she could invite herself to visit us at the drop of a hat, which I didn't want given what she'd said about and to me, or nothing. So in the end we went NC. If I see her at a family event in the future, I'd be happy to be civil, but otherwise there's no contact now.

I think people can try to put up boundaries and you can either accept them or not. If you don't want to, that's that really

@LovelyRita1

Do you mean just stop talking to her at all? Yes, of course you can do that.

I've sort of been on the other side of this and tried to maintain a cordial, civil sort of relationship with plenty of distance, with a family member. It came after some major fall outs and her badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. She didn't want a cordial relationship, but seemed to want an all or nothing thing, where either she could invite herself to visit us at the drop of a hat, which I didn't want given what she'd said about and to me, or nothing. So in the end we went NC. If I see her at a family event in the future, I'd be happy to be civil, but otherwise there's no contact now.

I think people can try to put up boundaries and you can either accept them or not. If you don't want to, that's that really

Yeah I just mean I don't contact her and if she contacts me, I can just be cold and non descriptive back.

Now I get excited when she contacts me and asks me how I am, because I think she wants to be my friend again. I reply really excitedly and happy to hear from her etc, only for her to then be really cold again and for me to be left feeling upset and rejected again.

It's like she sometimes wants to engage and other times she doesn't at all and is just ice cold.

Don’t let this woman live rent free in your life.

You are burning up your emotional energy by even thinking about her.

Don’t look at her on SM.

Live your best life.

While I know it must hurt wondering what on earth you did to deserve such treatment your post suggests you did nothing. So the fact you did nothing at all should allow you to make peace with yourself.

@Quitelikeit

Don’t let this woman live rent free in your life.

You are burning up your emotional energy by even thinking about her.

Don’t look at her on SM.

Live your best life.

While I know it must hurt wondering what on earth you did to deserve such treatment your post suggests you did nothing. So the fact you did nothing at all should allow you to make peace with yourself.

My old therapist used to say that I'm a masochist and enjoy being hurt by her.

What you're describing does sound quite different to my situation op and I think that whether she means to or not, she's being a little cruel to you.

Just ignore her. You don't have to run into her at a family wedding etc like I did with mine, so why do you need to maintain a relationship with her which is hurtful to you and an inconvenience for her?

I had a big falling out with my friend of over 40 years last year....we are now nothing more than polite acquaintances. I could still cry at the thought of it because it was a total misunderstanding that we have talked about over and over but the truth is l don't think either of us will ever feel the same way about friendship ever again. So l have made peace with it and in my mind decided l am here if she needs me but l can't and won't chase her.

I would just treat her like you would any other casual acquaintance. Be polite and say hello if you meet and that's it.

Sorry meant to say try and accept it OP as hard as it is

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

Sorry meant to say try and accept it OP as hard as it is

It really sucks doesn't it !

If it's apattern that keeps repeating itself in friendships, I would want to know what I was doing. typical 'close' friendships that one person withdraws from include the dumped person oversharing, or thinking friendship means off-loading a host of woes onto the other person and then expecting them to do the same, when they just want a lightweight catch up. Or talking non stop and showing little interest in the other person. I have a few friends like this and it is exhausting to be with them more than once every few months.

Do you talk non stop?
Do you overshare?
Do you turn the conversation back to yourself all the time?
Do you turn lightweight conversation heavy by focusing on the down stuff?
Do you unintentionally gossip about people behind their backs by sharing their news?
Do you have shared interests and values in common with the other person or have you latched onto them and called it friendship?
Are you harder work socially than you care to admit? Do you get drunk, forget your purse, pick on waiters etc?

I'm not assuming you are guilty of any of this, but it's worth asking ourselves these difficult questions if friendships repeatedly fizzle out.

@gingerhills

If it's apattern that keeps repeating itself in friendships, I would want to know what I was doing. typical 'close' friendships that one person withdraws from include the dumped person oversharing, or thinking friendship means off-loading a host of woes onto the other person and then expecting them to do the same, when they just want a lightweight catch up. Or talking non stop and showing little interest in the other person. I have a few friends like this and it is exhausting to be with them more than once every few months.

Do you talk non stop?
Do you overshare?
Do you turn the conversation back to yourself all the time?
Do you turn lightweight conversation heavy by focusing on the down stuff?
Do you unintentionally gossip about people behind their backs by sharing their news?
Do you have shared interests and values in common with the other person or have you latched onto them and called it friendship?
Are you harder work socially than you care to admit? Do you get drunk, forget your purse, pick on waiters etc?

I'm not assuming you are guilty of any of this, but it's worth asking ourselves these difficult questions if friendships repeatedly fizzle out.

No it doesn't really happen a lot at all.

Just this one friend and now this family member.

I don't think any of those things apply to me. On the contrary, I try to be a listening and supportive friend to others and I'm very aware of not burdening people.

The only thing I can think is that both times, I had some stuff going on and maybe didn't write to them as much in the period leading up to the coldness beginning. I noticed in both cases they had asked me how I was and how things were going. And I remember myself in both cases thinking to myself ' oh I should check in on so and so 'and then deciding that I didn't have the energy to do that right now.

So perhaps they felt neglected by me just before they retreated. Because I'm that friend / family member who always replies straight away and is always up for a chat etc and always asking how others are.

It is like a bereavement xx

You do sound a bit ‘all or nothing’, OP, if after three years, she sends an occasional message and you immediately reply, all excited as if you’re going to be close friends again. She’s made it clear she wants to continue a form of relationship, but on a less close basis — is there some reason you can’t keep going as you are on those terms? If you do find it too upsetting for whatever reason, and your don’t value her continued presence in your life n this dried basis, then draw your own boundaries.

@Erinyes

You do sound a bit ‘all or nothing’, OP, if after three years, she sends an occasional message and you immediately reply, all excited as if you’re going to be close friends again. She’s made it clear she wants to continue a form of relationship, but on a less close basis — is there some reason you can’t keep going as you are on those terms? If you do find it too upsetting for whatever reason, and your don’t value her continued presence in your life n this dried basis, then draw your own boundaries.

I have been trying. But I guess I can't continue with it like this for some reason. I would never say it to her or cause drama, but it just hurts! I would rather not have any contact at all. I'm not sure why, but it obviously doesn't work for me this way with her. I have other people that can fleet in and out and it's absolutely fine, but in this case, I don't know, it just hurts.

I’d unfollow (not unfriend) on social media and let her get on with it.

Have you thought she might find you over bearing ?

" Then the person starts being cold and non descriptive in their replies on WhatsApp. I've asked if they're ok and been told all is fine and then it's just become very eerily quiet from their side.. it feels very similar and I'm feeling panicked I'm going to lose this person too"

Is there really something happening here or is the person just writing short, slightly blunt messages and not meaning anything by it? Could you be hypersensitive after the breakdown of the friendship?