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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When a friend wants dynamic to change, AIU to not go along with it ?

103 replies

beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 14:07

A friend who I used to be close with, think contact every few days etc. has made it clear ( almost three years ago ). That she didn't wish for the friendship to continue in that kind of way.

She's had a lot going on and so have I. But the retreat definitely came from her. She made it clear she wants to talk only once in a while and just be cordial. Rather than actually meet etc. it really stung, not going to lie.

We have a lot of mutual friends and have seen each other at weddings a couple of times and always been very polite to each other and happy to catch up.

For some reason I don't have her on Instagram anymore but I can see she still likes a lot of mutual friends pics etc and sees people we have in common occasionally. I'm never invited, however I always invite her when I see mutual friends. It's very rare though that I or her see our mutual friends. But it just feels hostile to me, not to invite her to reunions etc. the things she's planned with mutual friends aren't really reunion type things. More like staying together to attend weddings we are all invited to. I'm making this distinction to say that there's never been a time she has invited everyone in a reunion type setting and left me out of it. Neither have I. I have invited her and she's not been able to make it. ( so she says ).

Anyway, it still stings. It's been nearly 3 years and we occasionally talk, but she keeps me massively at arms length. I don't like this dynamic. It hurts me and makes me feel rejected every time.

Can I just leave it now ? Or do I need to accept the 'friendship' the way she wants it to be ? I'll always be happy to see her when I do, say at a wedding. But other than that, I don't really want to write to her anymore and I don't want to invite her to things she never comes to, just out of some obligation - when she's made it clear she doesn't want to be a close friend to me anymore.

OP posts:
Touchmybum · 07/03/2022 05:11

I can see exactly what happened. You had a baby and that changes everything! I had two friends who had babies around the same time. The last time I was out with both of them, they couldn’t stop talking about the content of nappies etc! It was excruciating 🙄 At the time too we were struggling to conceive. I lost touch with one (not just me but all of the other five in our friendship group). Three of us are back in contact; a fourth sadly took her own life. These friendships now go back 35 years and now we all have grown up children. There are some friendships that drift for a time as your paths in life diverge, but when you get together again, it just fits!

Stop having expectations of her. For now she has put you on acquaintance status. She doesn’t seem to want to cut ties completely for now at least. You may find that she either decides that she doesn’t want this to continue or if her life changes you might be able to resume the friendship. I had very little contact at one point with one of my oldest and closest friends until she finally left her controlling husband.

However if you are adamant that you can’t work with this, then tell her you don’t want to continue this arrangement and would prefer to cease contact. After 15 years, if it was me I wouldn’t burn any bridges just yet. Everyone has hard times in their lives.

UnsuitableHat · 07/03/2022 05:23

The key thing here isn't WHY she chose to do what she did, but the fact that you don't like the new dynamic. So you need to step back, although I'm sure you have to some extent already. You're not obliged to wait around until this person is prepared to 'have you back'- it doesn't get to be on her terms that way. Look after yourself.

PearPickingPorky · 07/03/2022 05:29

One friend getting pregnant does change the dynamic of so many well-established female friendships. I understand, in a way. Sometimes friend B is shocked that friend A has decided to make such a monumental shift in her life (especially if A has, quite reasonably!, not broadcast that they're TTC) - women's lives totally change with pregnancy and birth, men's much less so. Some friendships just don't weather that shift, either because of the change in 'interests' , or because the other is struggling with eg their own circumstances and need to try to protect themselves a bit by stepping back.

It's a shame because as wonderful as having a first baby is, it's often a huge change for the woman and she probably also needs her friends' support, especiallyif she's one of the first in her social group to have DC. It's sad all round, really, how hard it can be for both sides.

Changeee15467 · 07/03/2022 05:43

I would want to know. You could write to her and ask her to be honest OP.

UnsuitableHat · 07/03/2022 05:49

I don't think I'd write to her. You'd probably get no reply, which would add to the hurt. Trying to let it go, and not regarding her as a friend anymore, is the better approach.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 07/03/2022 05:57

I say this kindly, OP, but you come across as needy. Find your self respect. You don't want people in your life who treat you coldly or unkindly. That's not friendship. Don't accept that energy into your life.

Newestname002 · 07/03/2022 05:57

@beautifulsay

Now I get excited when she contacts me and asks me how I am, because I think she wants to be my friend again. I reply really excitedly and happy to hear from her etc, only for her to then be really cold again and for me to be left feeling upset and rejected again.

That sounds really sad, OP. I think you've taken more than enough of whatever lack of care from this person seems to think you deserve and it might well be better for your mental health just to let this go now. Mute her wherever you can on social media,send her emails to a dedicated folder where you can delete them at your leisure, and generally make yourself unavailable. After all, there seems very little positive you are getting from this relationship.

My old therapist used to say that I'm a masochist and enjoy being hurt by her.

Is she right, do you think?

A "friendship" like this can only continue to hurt you. Back away now. 🌹

LovelyRita1 · 07/03/2022 07:34

I was waiting for someone to say "she's well jell hun, cos you were having a baaaaaaaabyyyyyy". As a happily married mother of two young dcs, I find this sort of comment so thick-headed and unfair. God knows what happily single and childfree people think.

Anyway, op, I don't think you've done anything wrong and posting here is what a lot of people (me included) sometimes do just to sort out their thoughts.

I think she has been polite in how she's approached this and she is allowed to create boundaries which suit her, but as you say, so are you.

Also, as a pp on the previous page said, it's something about a friend making 'rules' to allow you to continue the friendship. It isn't pleasant. I'd at least expect a reason. If she was going through a difficult time for example and needed more space, I'd get that. I wouldn't need to know what it was, but I'd expect the courtesy of her saying "sorry I am having a difficult time at the moment". Or if there had been a bad fall out and it had soured things, again, of course I'd understand that too. If someone doesn't give you a reason, it does come across as high handed and it would traumatise you on some level as it would be unexpected and unexplained.

I know she said "we aren't compatible anymore" and chances are it's to do with you being pregnant at the time. I suppose this is fair enough, but I'm sure it does hurt. Fwiw, I had a fall out with a friend when I had dc1. She was extremely rude about it though because she's one of those delightful grown women who "hates babies and children". She really does, and that's a whole other thread. At least yours was polite I suppose

Original poster
beautifulsay · 07/03/2022 08:15

@Changeee15467

I would want to know. You could write to her and ask her to be honest OP.
We've been through that part already. She had too much going on and it was incompatible with what I had going on. She had tunnel vision at the time on a particular problem, which is completely fair enough.

I don't need to revisit that with her at all. That would be needy and annoying.

But even though the problems have changed in that time, the dynamic is still being kept the way she wants it. So that's a bit confusing, because if it was just because of the problem at that time, then surely there would be more a slow return to a similar ( maybe not the same ) friendship dynamic. That hasn't happened so far. I don't think that's what she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulsay · 07/03/2022 08:17

@GreenFingeredNell15

I say this kindly, OP, but you come across as needy. Find your self respect. You don't want people in your life who treat you coldly or unkindly. That's not friendship. Don't accept that energy into your life.
We sort of take it in turns. She does reply and I feel rude not replying to her, but I think I'll keep it a bit shorter form now on.
OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulsay · 07/03/2022 08:22

@sweetbellyhigh sorry now you're being unkind to me. How have I not respected her boundaries ?

She still wants to keep some sort of contact with me and I have politely continued that in the way that she wants to do that. If I've realised it doesn't work for me then that's nothing about me not respecting her boundaries, but respecting myself.

OP posts:
wingscrow · 07/03/2022 08:24

The friendship is over.

Tell her you are not interested in her terms and that you wish to end the friendship.

Keep your message short, wish her well, keep your head high and move on.

Beautiful3 · 07/03/2022 08:41

Just unfollow and go non contact. Otherwise you're punishing yourself.

RedHelenB · 07/03/2022 08:56

In that case I would tell them that. You've as much right to set friendship boundaries as she has.

LovelyRita1 · 07/03/2022 08:57

I wouldn't send a break up text tbh. Think that could be misinterpreted as a bit dramatic and ott.

I just wouldn't respond very quickly next time she messages and when you do just keep it bright, light, breezy and give a quick answer.

"How are things going with you beautifulsay"?

............

"Great thanks. How are you"?

Let her answer and don't respond unless she specifically asks a question.

Original poster
beautifulsay · 07/03/2022 09:06

@LovelyRita1

I wouldn't send a break up text tbh. Think that could be misinterpreted as a bit dramatic and ott.

I just wouldn't respond very quickly next time she messages and when you do just keep it bright, light, breezy and give a quick answer.

"How are things going with you beautifulsay"?

............

"Great thanks. How are you"?

Let her answer and don't respond unless she specifically asks a question.

I absolutely agree with you. Stay polite. She is likely to eventually ask me what's wrong, but I'll also stay polite and say nothing at all and just busy. Hope all is good with you. Until she gets the message.
OP posts:
LovelyRita1 · 07/03/2022 09:12

I think that's a good way of gaining back some control over the situation, which will help you move on, without being rude

Original poster
beautifulsay · 07/03/2022 09:51

@LovelyRita1

I think that's a good way of gaining back some control over the situation, which will help you move on, without being rude
Yeah definitely. I think it's really complicated and I think she expects me to still be there when she wants me to be. I will be, but I do need to make it clear in a very subtle way that I'm no longer willing to play by her rules in the same way. I hope it doesn't cause a drama and will try to avoid that at all costs.

I was just thinking back at the fact that she removed me from her Instagram followers when I didn't wish her happy birthday the first year after things changed between us. I just didn't think I needed to wish her happy birthday. She clearly thought I should have.

OP posts:
LovelyRita1 · 07/03/2022 09:59

Ah people who react like that on social media aren't worth your time at all. Honestly, you're well rid of her

alwaysinaspin60 · 07/03/2022 11:25

Sorry to hear this OP. If it's any help, I will explain my situation.

Very close friends with A. But, she wants me to be available whenever she needs someone to do something with or she is home alone or she is at a lose end. She is very much a people person and craves the interaction with a need to be doing something, anything. Whereas I can be just as happy alone. I still want to be friends with A but I don't want the constant daily messages or the expectation to be available whenever she is free or to have to tell A what I am doing every day and night. I don't want to lose her friendship, we have a great time together, but I do want her to give me some space every now and then.

Maybe your friend is the same ? Flowers

Original poster
beautifulsay · 07/03/2022 18:07

@alwaysinaspin60

Sorry to hear this OP. If it's any help, I will explain my situation.

Very close friends with A. But, she wants me to be available whenever she needs someone to do something with or she is home alone or she is at a lose end. She is very much a people person and craves the interaction with a need to be doing something, anything. Whereas I can be just as happy alone. I still want to be friends with A but I don't want the constant daily messages or the expectation to be available whenever she is free or to have to tell A what I am doing every day and night. I don't want to lose her friendship, we have a great time together, but I do want her to give me some space every now and then.

Maybe your friend is the same ? Flowers

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I definitely see how situations like this can happen. It's happened to me before that someone just wanted more time than I could give.

I don't think it was really the case with our friendship.

At least to me, it seemed mutual really.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 07/03/2022 18:22

Yes, you can definitely just leave it

IsabelHerna · 09/03/2022 17:44

It is obvious that it was her decision based on her thoughts, so no you shouldn't feel hurt or anything. It doesn't seem to have something to have with you, you didn't do anything wrong. Focus on the good parts, and leave it at that.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 09/03/2022 18:31

Now I get excited when she contacts me and asks me how I am, because I think she wants to be my friend again. I reply really excitedly and happy to hear from her etc, only for her to then be really cold again and for me to be left feeling upset and rejected again.

I had one like this in my life. Hurts like hell, feels deliberate and designed to confuse. Once you recognise the pattern you’re 90% of the way there. Mine ignored me for a full year and then turned up when I was two weeks post-partum, full love-bombing attention routine… then fucked off again. Horrible.

sweetbellyhigh · 09/03/2022 20:10

[quote beautifulsay]@sweetbellyhigh sorry now you're being unkind to me. How have I not respected her boundaries ?

She still wants to keep some sort of contact with me and I have politely continued that in the way that she wants to do that. If I've realised it doesn't work for me then that's nothing about me not respecting her boundaries, but respecting myself. [/quote]
Because you keep inviting her to things. To me that is not respecting boundaries. How many time does she have to decline?

I would hate it if I had asked someone to back off and they kept inviting me to things.

I believe your intention is to somehow take the friendship back to how it was and she has specifically asked you to back off.

I get that you are hurt but you are not helping yourself by flogging a dead horse.