Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When a friend wants dynamic to change, AIU to not go along with it ?

103 replies

beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 14:07

A friend who I used to be close with, think contact every few days etc. has made it clear ( almost three years ago ). That she didn't wish for the friendship to continue in that kind of way.

She's had a lot going on and so have I. But the retreat definitely came from her. She made it clear she wants to talk only once in a while and just be cordial. Rather than actually meet etc. it really stung, not going to lie.

We have a lot of mutual friends and have seen each other at weddings a couple of times and always been very polite to each other and happy to catch up.

For some reason I don't have her on Instagram anymore but I can see she still likes a lot of mutual friends pics etc and sees people we have in common occasionally. I'm never invited, however I always invite her when I see mutual friends. It's very rare though that I or her see our mutual friends. But it just feels hostile to me, not to invite her to reunions etc. the things she's planned with mutual friends aren't really reunion type things. More like staying together to attend weddings we are all invited to. I'm making this distinction to say that there's never been a time she has invited everyone in a reunion type setting and left me out of it. Neither have I. I have invited her and she's not been able to make it. ( so she says ).

Anyway, it still stings. It's been nearly 3 years and we occasionally talk, but she keeps me massively at arms length. I don't like this dynamic. It hurts me and makes me feel rejected every time.

Can I just leave it now ? Or do I need to accept the 'friendship' the way she wants it to be ? I'll always be happy to see her when I do, say at a wedding. But other than that, I don't really want to write to her anymore and I don't want to invite her to things she never comes to, just out of some obligation - when she's made it clear she doesn't want to be a close friend to me anymore.

OP posts:
spacehardware · 06/03/2022 14:58

I think you really just have to park this friendship (or the memory of it) and disengage emotionally

I came adrift from my childhood best friend about 3 years ago. About a year before that, she felt I did something unacceptable and the friendship never really recovered. What I did probs was unacceptable, but I had just been through the most horrible period of my life, and looking back up to then our friendship had consisted of me being the sensible strong one and her leaning on me. I needed her to be strong for me, and she completely failed me.

Her father died last year and I heard about it so contacted her to express my sympathies, snd she responded and said she missed me. But genuinely I don't think it could ever be the same again. I think we both feel the other let them down. And I don't actually want our old friendship back - I feel (her version may differ) that she always took and I always gave.

PatchworkElmer · 06/03/2022 14:58

I think she messaged you occasionally to check she’s still got you dangling. Just stop replying.

dottydodah · 06/03/2022 15:01

Many friendships (like relationships) often just run their course .I had a very close friend ,we went to School together . Just lost touch .Another friend also .Just dont give it any thought TBH. Met new chums now! Just move on .I doubt you have "done " anything wrong . Just concentrate on other friends for now

fungh · 06/03/2022 15:03

To see another perspective I backed off from someone who I liked because they were a bit suffocating. I was made to feel guilty if I excluded them when meeting other people. But I was always friends with everyone so didn't understand why I couldn't meet up with others one on one & Id have no issue if she also did this.

InterstellarDrifter · 06/03/2022 15:03

The old friend - I’dstop taking her calls and just be civil if you bump into her. She’s not interested in a friendship but likes you hanging around.

The family member - give them some space and back off. There’s not much else you can do at the moment. Wait for a bit then invite them to meet up. Their response will help to clarify where this relationship is going.

Original poster
beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 15:09

@Gwenhwyfar

" Then the person starts being cold and non descriptive in their replies on WhatsApp. I've asked if they're ok and been told all is fine and then it's just become very eerily quiet from their side.. it feels very similar and I'm feeling panicked I'm going to lose this person too"

Is there really something happening here or is the person just writing short, slightly blunt messages and not meaning anything by it? Could you be hypersensitive after the breakdown of the friendship?

This is what I'm hoping. I think it's just similar, so it's triggered me. But we've all got a lot going on.

Which is what I'm trying to put it down to. I'll just see how things progress. There's nothing else I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 15:10

@Chickychickydodah

Have you thought she might find you over bearing ?
I have asked myself this and I really don't think so. I'm just friendly and available to people. I'm a really sociable person and make time for people in my life as much as possible.
OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 15:12

@fungh

To see another perspective I backed off from someone who I liked because they were a bit suffocating. I was made to feel guilty if I excluded them when meeting other people. But I was always friends with everyone so didn't understand why I couldn't meet up with others one on one & Id have no issue if she also did this.
Never did this to her.
OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 15:12

@PatchworkElmer

I think she messaged you occasionally to check she’s still got you dangling. Just stop replying.
That's probably what my therapist would say
OP posts:
Squidinkk · 06/03/2022 15:13

She doesn't want to be friends with you. You don't have to keep trying here. Just get on with your life.

fungh · 06/03/2022 15:15

@beautifulsay i'm not saying you did but she will have a different perspective.

fungh · 06/03/2022 15:17

I think she messaged you occasionally to check she’s still got you dangling.

Who has time for this?

Maybe she's happy to be friendly but not best friends hence the odd text.

Original poster
beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 15:20

All of the pulling away stuff happened when I got pregnant by the way. It completely coincided with that. I think it was more of a thing of our lives just going into different directions and she didn't and doesn't want to be part of my life anymore in the same way. Which is her choice and she's entitled to make that choice. The same way I guess it can be my choice to not continue something that hurts me somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 15:21

@fungh

I think she messaged you occasionally to check she’s still got you dangling.

Who has time for this?

Maybe she's happy to be friendly but not best friends hence the odd text.

Absolutely. But I don't know why, it doesn't work for me that way. A text every six months, doesn't do it for me. I would rather not have contact.
OP posts:
fungh · 06/03/2022 15:23

And if it doesn't work for you that's fine. My point was she might not be doing it for nefarious reasons

fungh · 06/03/2022 15:25

Mine example happened when we both had babies too.

Original poster
beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 15:25

@fungh

And if it doesn't work for you that's fine. My point was she might not be doing it for nefarious reasons
Yeah definitely.
OP posts:
SpiderVersed · 06/03/2022 15:26

I think you are misreading her intent.

She’s withdrawn from the friendship. You have mutual friends and will see each other socially occasionally. She wants to remain cordial and avoid awkwardness and unpleasantness so she engages is social chitchat.

You get all keen and think you’re going to be friends again. Then you feel hurt and rejected because she was merely being sociable.

She’s being consistent. She’s told you the state of play. You need to accept that and stop torturing yourself.

getdown2021 · 06/03/2022 15:30

Thanks everyone. You're absolutely right. I won't contact her or invite her to stuff anymore. I'm sure I will feel better

This really is the kindest thing to yourself. I know the feeling, I've a close friend who ghosted me after 6 years of friendship and I've no idea what I did to her. Just leave it and move on is all you can do-do not try to contact.

Gowithme · 06/03/2022 15:32

Maybe OP when you took a step back because you were busy and didn't have the headspace to reply she felt like you were only interested in her when it suited you, and if you were normally very interested maybe she felt like you were blowing hot and cold. That would be what I would assume was going on here.

Original poster
beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 15:33

@SpiderVersed

I think you are misreading her intent.

She’s withdrawn from the friendship. You have mutual friends and will see each other socially occasionally. She wants to remain cordial and avoid awkwardness and unpleasantness so she engages is social chitchat.

You get all keen and think you’re going to be friends again. Then you feel hurt and rejected because she was merely being sociable.

She’s being consistent. She’s told you the state of play. You need to accept that and stop torturing yourself.

It feels like more than just that to be fair. In the last 3 years we had two weddings to attend, that was it. Yet she does text and ask how I am at reasonable intervals.

But the bottom line is, it does not work for me this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 15:34

@Gowithme

Maybe OP when you took a step back because you were busy and didn't have the headspace to reply she felt like you were only interested in her when it suited you, and if you were normally very interested maybe she felt like you were blowing hot and cold. That would be what I would assume was going on here.
I never did not reply ever ! I just didn't text as often for a month or so.
OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 15:35

@Gowithme and she literally ghosts everyone for months when she's having a hard time. Literally completely ghosts people - including myself.

So I felt if anyone would understand that I hadn't been in touch as often, it should be her!

OP posts:
DogsAndGin · 06/03/2022 16:14

Did she not explain why she wants to reduce the friendship? Like different views/habits/lifestyles? It seems odd that you’d dislike someone so much that you explicitly tell them to cool off the contact, but still want to maintain a small relationship. I don’t get it at all. You’re either friends, or you’re not Confused

Original poster
beautifulsay · 06/03/2022 16:25

@DogsAndGin

Did she not explain why she wants to reduce the friendship? Like different views/habits/lifestyles? It seems odd that you’d dislike someone so much that you explicitly tell them to cool off the contact, but still want to maintain a small relationship. I don’t get it at all. You’re either friends, or you’re not Confused
It was, ' we've both got a lot going on right now and the stuff we have going on isn't compatible ' or something along those lines. I had just found out I was pregnant. She was going through a rough time herself. I said I'll be there whenever she needs me etc.
OP posts: