I need to speak to them, don’t I?

[JanetPluchinsky]

DD is just turned 18. She’s been with her boyfriend a year.

Before Christmas she basically lived at his for about three months and only came home briefly once a week or so, to fetch things. She did spend Christmas Day with us but couldn’t wait to go back to his house. She spent the whole day telling us how much better and nicer his parents are than us, better food, nicer house, better Xmas tree ffs. We’ve tried really hard to not rise to this btw.

She’s been spending much more time at home since the start of the year, which has been lovely, and I gave her a job at the restaurant I manage.

She constantly asks me and DH for lifts and money. Constantly. It’s a running joke that I’ll say ‘money or a lift?’ to whoever’s next to me before answering the phone to her and it is ALWAYS one or the other. We pay for an open bus pass for her btw and she still gets £20 pocket money a month on top of about £200 pt wage (pocket money is to match what we give 10yo DS because she said it was unfair).

So this is all background. Yesterday she was meant to be working until midnight. She usually gets a lift home with me, or a colleague, or the boyfriend but none of us were finishing at the same time. The last bus home was 11.15.

I said that was absolutely fine, and changed her hours to finish at 11pm.

She then said to DH that she couldn’t (as in she’d asked me and I’d said no) leave work early and he’d have to pick her up at midnight. The lie fell apart as soon as I got home, obviously, and I told her she’d be leaving at 11pm and getting the bus home. She said ok.

Her boyfriend’s mother drove her home.

She had phoned this woman and told her we’d left her stranded in town with no way of getting home. So she’d driven a half hour round trip to pick the poor stranded child up and take her home.

DD was quite proud to tell us this. ‘X cares about my safety and didn’t want me getting a late bus home’. I cannot get my head round DD phoning this woman, lying to her about the situation. And being quite happy for her to come out late at night to take her home to save herself a fifteen fucking minute bus ride.

I get the impression she has told BFs parents we are basically starving and stranding her. We’ve never met them despite asking.

I don’t have any contact details for them but I do know the house (having dropped DD there countless times despite being an awful parent who never gives lifts). I feel like I need to tell them that we are not the abusive neglectful parents DD is making out!

She is always asking for money for lunch, a big bugbear of mine, when we have a house full of food. I’m pretty sure she makes out to his parents that we starve her. I’m just not giving her a fiver a day for lunch at college. And I often find out they’ve picked her up from college or they drop her home, it’s all walkable and she has an open (expensive!) bus pass.

Should I talk to them? Or do I need to get over this and let her manipulate them into parenting her?

It also doesn’t feel great that DD is happy to lie and manipulate like this but I don’t know how to get through to her.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

That's why I said "If they're currently foolish enough ...", Ducksurprise

For all we know they may also be tearing their hair out, but if so they have the answer in their own hands

Do they? Maybe they fear driving their son away, i assume he is also an adult only so much they cam do. I've just re read the op posts, the boyfriend went NC for a couple of days over Christmas and the op said she thought the quiet boy didn't know how to ask her to leave. Young men can be vulnerable to unhealthy relationships as well.

💐 it’s a horrible time.

I think when you are all calmer you need to lay down some ground rules. She has her room, job, bus pass, a fridge full of food to make lunches and presumably an evening meal and breakfasts.

You love her, but appreciate that she is not wanting to spend time with you right now, that is her choice. As she is now 18 and earning more per hour than most 18 year olds, it is no longer appropriate for her to receive pocket money from you, if she decides to buy lunch rather than make it, that’s her choice and comes from her pocket. You are happy to provide lifts provided they are arranged in advance and convenient to you. If she chooses to ask bf parents that is her choice but you would appreciate her not lying about the circumstances around it.

Then keep including her in family days whenever you can and have family meals, if she chooses not to partake again her choice.

Good news is she will grow up and I’m sure when she does your relationship will improve.

I wouldn't be bothered what she tells the BF's parents,, they may have sussed that she tells lies at times. I would be bothered that she is now 18, and is so direspectful towards you,, She is not a stroppy 13 or 14 year old, she is an adult now, but short on manners and respect for others, Not a good way to go forth in the future.

OP does not give her £200 per month. That is money the DD earns.

OP gives her £20 a month pocket money, pays her phone contract, fares. Feeds her. Also gives her lifts and subs her money here and there. Not excessively generous or mean, sounds about right on joint income.

My grandson is at University in his 3rd year,he was a week after his 18th birthday when he started.He has never asked for money,manages food bills,entertainment ,social life.he knows if he needs something for Uni we will fund it but he never asks because he is an adult and proud to manage his life and independant.He is now working part time for £8 an hour in a bar to save to put himself through a Masters.Your daughter is spoiled and this has turned her into rather unpleasant person.Why does she have an expensive phone ,pocket money and just gives you rudeness and cheek.Time to say no loudly you are not doing her any favours she needs to grow up.Is she planning on going to University?It will be a shock.

@mrsm43s

I don't know, this thread just breaks my heart.

I have a same age DD.

If she was pulling away from me and clearly sad and feeling unsupported to the point that she has virtually joined another family for support, I'd be showering her with love and attention, not pushing her away.

Teenagers are arseholes, yes. But that is because of their hormones and brain development. They are still children. They need love and support and understanding and endless patience. The "tough love" approach does nothing long term apart from push them away.

I would be suggesting that she needs to move back home (bar the odd night sleeping over), gives up work to concentrate on her studies, you give her a reasonable allowance and lunch money in return for her concentrating on her work and good grades, give her lifts when needed late night (it's very different on a late bus on your own than with your friends), and get her starting her driving lessons.

Do some nice things together as a family, and also maybe just you and her - a meal out, a day shopping, a manicure or spa treatment.

Shower her with love, and bring her back into the fold. She is just a child, a big one, yes, but teenage years are hard. However much this is breaking your heart, I can guarantee its breaking hers more.

That's such nonsense advice as it's clear from the OP's posts (a lot of which you don't seem to have read) that the DD is being more than a little deceitful with the information she's giving to her boyfriends family. It seems more likely that she's joined another family for what she can get, not genuine support. Sorry but I really think whilst your intentions are good you've completely mis-read the thread.

Stop the pocket money, she’s earning.
Stop the lifts she asks you for that aren’t if you’re going into or coming home from work
If she’s working a shift and you can give her a lift home make sure it ends the same time as yours. No need for her to bus it as she gets a lift because you’re going that way. Don’t give her lifts to the boyfriends house she can catch the bus with her buspass. Sounds to me like she wants ferrying everywhere apart from when it suits her to stay away at his. You’re providing food, heat, a bedroom, WiFi etc all for her to use at home. I can only assume she has a mobile phone on which to make these “stranded calls” if so make sure it’s her footing the bill for it as she’s an ADULT. No mention of paying board to that means she’s currently got £55 a week at her disposal. If she wants lunch out or at college she buys it with her money, you’ve got food in the house I’m presuming bread and things to make a sandwich, a bottle for some squash and maybe a biscuit and piece of fruit & yoghurt? and I’m sure even my 4 year old would pack his school lunch box if I asked him to. From now on make sure she’s got a taxi number stored in her phone for emergencies but like I say if it’s a 12 finish and you’re finishing then tell her you’ll take her home so she doesn’t need to get a lift. Write a letter to these parents of her boyfriend, invite them to your home so they can see that your daughter is provided for. She obviously is gonna want to spend time with her boyfriend but there’s no need for her to be so spiteful and spoiled and try to make you out to be unfit parents. I’d have given my right arm to be given a job earning that at 18 and still having all the things provided at home but I wasn’t so lucky, single parent household didn’t qualify for any help at all because of my mums widows pension. I paid board from leaving school I was on an allowance of £60 a week, out of that I paid £25 board to my mum for basically my bed, heat and electric and meals we ate as a family to help budgeting costs. £17.50 bus pass, was at college 1 day and placement 4 days totalling 40 hours. I took packed lunches as I couldn’t afford any alternative. I had £17.50 a week for me, for my incidentals, any clothes, accessories, shoes, mobile phone credit had to come out of that £17.50. As an adult I’m money conscious as a result, I know how to budget, make things work, seek out the best things for my family and where I can save money. Let her see the true value of money.
Once she does she might realise that home and mum and dad aren’t so bad.

bloody hell the lives of the rich, giving a 18 year old £5 a week pocket money and a job without any effort, driving her everywhere. you spoilt her.

tell her to move out, get a proper job, sooner she gets in the real world the better.

I would actually be a bit concerned about him, from what you've said. Given her ability to manipulate, she could be royally conning the whole family with drama and tales of woe.

Could you take the mum a bunch of flowers as a thank you, that you've realised how much she is doing for your DD, and emphasise that DD is well provided for and welcome to be at her own home.

@JanetPluchinsky

I don’t have much of a relationship with her at all right now. As I said she only contacts me for money or lifts. 99% of conversations are her asking for things, she is take take take. I’ve just scrolled back through texts and every single one is a request for money/lifts. No how are you or chatting.

I asked her to babysit last Sunday and she refused unless I paid her £10. I was desperate so I did. As someone said upthread she plays me like a fiddle. She plays on the ‘you’re always at work’ card, the ‘you’re so lazy’ card and the ‘you don’t love me as much as my brothers’ card. She’s pretty toxic towards me.

In relation to the babysitting, the way to get around paying her is to say "Ok, I'll pay you the £10 to babysit" and don't actually hand her any money. If she asks for it, tell her it went against the mobile phone bill you pay for her, or the bus pass you pay for her. Make it something that you're already contributing but is only used by her so specifically for her and not a sibling. Keep doing that. Think smart. Don't allow her to use the "you don't love me as much as my brother(s)" card. You love all your children equally. You don't have to like them all equally at any given time so you could reply "That's just not true. I love you all equally. That said, at the moment, you're making it very difficult to like you and your behaviour towards me and your dad".

Take the wind out of her sails.

I'd also try to get her to stop smoking. It's a disgusting habit and all her money is going on cigarettes. You're funding the rest of her lifestyle.

Lastly, I would make her results in university linked to whether you will pay for her bus pass and mobile phone bill for another 12 months or not. If she fails, then she goes onto a PAYG deal and she covers that herself. You will also stop paying for her transport costs as she will have to look for a full time job instead and cover all of her lifestyle with whatever she gets from that....which could be up to and including rent - so she had better watch out!

@Maray1967

She sounds like a spoilt madam. Why on earth does she have the latest I phone! My DS 21 has never had the latest model. She’s kicking off like this because she’s used to getting her own way so you’re going to have to start putting some rules in place. Rule 1: rudeness and lying get you nowhere.

She has the latest iPhone because her parents chose it and bought it for her.

But do go ahead and blame the daughter and call her a 'spoilt madam' because you made different choices for your DS.

@spotcheck

And OP I would definitely get to know the parents. They've been looking after your child for months. You don't have to 'defend' yourself, but definitely just get to know them.

She's 18 not 8!!

If she smokes that’s where her money is going, you’re looking at minimum £10 a pack of 20 cigarettes, say she smokes 20 a day, that’s £70 a week!

Lastly, if she phones looking for money or a lift these are the responses to give:

"Hi DD, The bank of mum and dad is now closed. We're on strike. See you when you get home, Bye & lots of love"

"Hi DD, The firm of Mum & Dad's Taxi Service is now defunct and no longer in operation. The nearest taxi service is AA Taxis and their number is xxxxxxxxxxxxxx (whatever phone number you want to give her of a local taxi service). Please contact them and be sure to pay them for their services. Alternatively, there is a bus service that we've already bought you a monthly ticket for. See you when you get home, Bye"

You sound to be being a kind and loving parent... your daughter is being (a bit younger than) her age and taking advantage. She is being a giant toddler - all self centred... typical teen.

Remember all that stuff about dealing with tantrums with toddlers? -Being loving and accepting the rage not being distracted from what you know is good parenting ... and NOT giving in to the demands (unless you want the same behaviour every time) even if everyone in the supermarket things you an abusive/neglectful mother? It still applies.

Respond to positive but not negative treatment from her. (Carrot only - not stick.)

Forget what she thinks is reasonable - work out what seems fair to you and stick to it . Don't give her things to appease her or her BF's parents. It won' t work anyway. (It will give reason for future tantrums on the metaphorical-supermarket floor.)

Be warm friendly and welcoming as always - and show no anger at her turning things down or accusing you of neglect. (A pink fluffy version of grey rock?)

Do show that you have self-respect though. She needs to see that. (Show puzzlement about being called 'selfish' after a full day's work for the family. Wonder if after her shift she has been helpful to anyone else :))

Be secure: You are providing for her and showing her love. She will look back and see this clearly one day!

@picklemewalnuts

I would actually be a bit concerned about him, from what you've said. Given her ability to manipulate, she could be royally conning the whole family with drama and tales of woe.

Could you take the mum a bunch of flowers as a thank you, that you've realised how much she is doing for your DD, and emphasise that DD is well provided for and welcome to be at her own home.

If anyone should be giving her flowers, it's the DD!

Not aimed at anyone in particular:
Why all this infantilising of an 18 year-old?
And don't give out that's she's still a child and her brain is still developing.

She can (legally): Smoke. Drink. Marry. Have children. Join up. Get a job. Drive. Vote. Rent her own home.

Maybe if she did grow up there'd be less drama

I would rename the pocket money to lunch money.

If she asks for money, then kindly tell her that you can but she’ll need to do X (babysitting, laundry or whatever). If she chooses not to then that is her choice.

BTW, by giving her so many lifts she has no incentive to learn to drive has she? Give her a lift if it’s convenient to you, for instance you are going to work yourself.

Stop feeling guilty and begin to put in stronger boundaries, it will really help her to grow up!

@Nanny0gg it was an excuse to go there and strike up a conversation, without looking like she's trying to undermine her DD.

Hilarious that some people think she's hard done by working one shift a week whilst at college on a decent wage for an 18yr old, and also receiving 200 quid pocket money!!

Plenty of sixth former aged kids work more than that, for less £, receive no pocket money and manage to pass their courses, me included and I was getting the last bus back at 11.30pm at least 2/3 times a week, I was the norm!

OP she does sound like a nightmare, I would be giving her that fiver a day for food instead of the pocket money and only keep the bus pass up if she's actually using it for college- sounds like she needs a shock to her system.

I know you said you're not going to contact bf's family but if it gets worse I would be asking him for their contact details and giving his mum a ring to make sure their not having the piss taken out of them too.

[quote picklemewalnuts]@Nanny0gg it was an excuse to go there and strike up a conversation, without looking like she's trying to undermine her DD.[/quote]
I don't think she needs to speak to them at all. I've had various b/f and g/f living here whilst children were between properties. I only met parents when marriage was on the table. Once they were adults there was no need.

Could she be anxious about getting the bus alone at that time maybe? Could have phoned for a lift instead.
That doesn’t excuse the rest of her behaviour though and of course she needs to treat you with more respect.

When did parents start treating 18 year olds like young children?

At 18 you are old enough to drive, be married, have a full time job (which would NOT pay £10 an hour).

She is an absolute spoilt brat. The pocket money should definitely stop. She is getting enough money and help from you. If she really needs to earn more than she could ask for more hours surely?

She chooses to spend a lot of money on smoking then more fool her. On that basis alone I would stop the pocket money.

I do get that she may not have liked the idea of the late night bus but, as others have said, what if she were at uni away from home or, god forbid, living in a flat share? She would have to sort out her journey home herself then

Very sad to read how your daughter treats you. I would have loved a parent like you!! You are a fantastic mother and it's a shame your daughter is being very disrespectful to you. I feel that you need to stop the lifts and money and even free bus ticket and see if that makes a difference. I would never keep helping my child out if all I got was abuse and disrespect! Stand your ground and be firm. She sounds like sadly a spoilt brat.

She actually said to me this morning that we NEVER give her lifts or money.

I think she believes her own bullshit. I mean, DH drove her to work yesterday fgs. He picked her up from the boyfriends and dropped her at work. We’re a pair of mugs.

I got her the job because she was struggling to find a job elsewhere. She’s made herself look pretty unemployable with multiple facial piercings and wild coloured hair, which I did try to explain to her when she kept getting knocked back.

And she’s just now texted me a link to a pair of jeans. That’s it. No comment or please. Just the link. That’s how she treats us.

I need to step back from her for my own mental well-being I think.

You should have pulled your little bratling up on her attitude months ago. And yes, you should speak to his parents. Preferably when she's there so she can clarify what she's been saying.