I need to speak to them, don’t I?

[JanetPluchinsky]

DD is just turned 18. She’s been with her boyfriend a year.

Before Christmas she basically lived at his for about three months and only came home briefly once a week or so, to fetch things. She did spend Christmas Day with us but couldn’t wait to go back to his house. She spent the whole day telling us how much better and nicer his parents are than us, better food, nicer house, better Xmas tree ffs. We’ve tried really hard to not rise to this btw.

She’s been spending much more time at home since the start of the year, which has been lovely, and I gave her a job at the restaurant I manage.

She constantly asks me and DH for lifts and money. Constantly. It’s a running joke that I’ll say ‘money or a lift?’ to whoever’s next to me before answering the phone to her and it is ALWAYS one or the other. We pay for an open bus pass for her btw and she still gets £20 pocket money a month on top of about £200 pt wage (pocket money is to match what we give 10yo DS because she said it was unfair).

So this is all background. Yesterday she was meant to be working until midnight. She usually gets a lift home with me, or a colleague, or the boyfriend but none of us were finishing at the same time. The last bus home was 11.15.

I said that was absolutely fine, and changed her hours to finish at 11pm.

She then said to DH that she couldn’t (as in she’d asked me and I’d said no) leave work early and he’d have to pick her up at midnight. The lie fell apart as soon as I got home, obviously, and I told her she’d be leaving at 11pm and getting the bus home. She said ok.

Her boyfriend’s mother drove her home.

She had phoned this woman and told her we’d left her stranded in town with no way of getting home. So she’d driven a half hour round trip to pick the poor stranded child up and take her home.

DD was quite proud to tell us this. ‘X cares about my safety and didn’t want me getting a late bus home’. I cannot get my head round DD phoning this woman, lying to her about the situation. And being quite happy for her to come out late at night to take her home to save herself a fifteen fucking minute bus ride.

I get the impression she has told BFs parents we are basically starving and stranding her. We’ve never met them despite asking.

I don’t have any contact details for them but I do know the house (having dropped DD there countless times despite being an awful parent who never gives lifts). I feel like I need to tell them that we are not the abusive neglectful parents DD is making out!

She is always asking for money for lunch, a big bugbear of mine, when we have a house full of food. I’m pretty sure she makes out to his parents that we starve her. I’m just not giving her a fiver a day for lunch at college. And I often find out they’ve picked her up from college or they drop her home, it’s all walkable and she has an open (expensive!) bus pass.

Should I talk to them? Or do I need to get over this and let her manipulate them into parenting her?

It also doesn’t feel great that DD is happy to lie and manipulate like this but I don’t know how to get through to her.

Stop giving her any money. Pocket money ends now and tell her it's because she is lying to lots of people. No more lifts either. Go over to BF parents this afternoon and tell them what has been happening. Consistent is key here. She can't treat lots of people like her servants. She supposed to be an adult now

Don’t assume she lied. It’s possible her bf’s mum has very different ideas about parenting teenagers and the stuff about neglecting you might have come from her. People have different values. For example, I personally would never let any local loved one (male or female, any age) take public transport when I was available to provide a lift.

You need to speak to your daughter not the parents. She's behaving horribly.

@Thewiseoneincognito

Playing devils advocate here. I don’t think £200 per month is enough for anyone to be expected to essentially feed themselves and provide their own transport, I’m not saying give her more but just be aware of her perceived ‘poverty’.

She’s 18, the big wide world will teach her some harsh lessons in time so she does need to wise up but I’d just be mindful that she can’t be expected to fend for herself with £200. The poor bfs family 🤣

But she's not expected to feed herself- she can eat at home. Most colleges don't have all day timetables, so it wouldn't even be everyday she would need to plan ahead.

I would stop giving her money and lifts. She is 18 with a job. She doesn't need pocket money and she has access to public transport
If his parents allow themselves to get roped in, that's on them

All of this, but especially the bolded bit. She's probably calling you everything from a pig to a dog, but with someone this manipulative they'll see the light sooner or later

Ridiculous, at 18, for it to have been the first time she'd got the bus back, but you're doing her no favours by choosing to give in to the guilt trips, and it is a choice

Maybe consider using the word "no" more often, and in time she might just behave more 18 than 13

And OP
I would definitely get to know the parents. They've been looking after your child for months. You don't have to 'defend' yourself, but definitely just get to know them.

No. You don't "need" to speak to them. You don't have to justify yourself to complete strangers. You are being more than reasonable with your daughter and trying to encourage her to be independent. I don't think she should be given pocket money at her age (unless maybe in appreciation of doing some housework ?). Her boyfriends parents will eventually realise just how self entitled she is and get fed up acting as a taxi service. Anything you would try to say to them about her will be viewed by your daughter as unfair or critical. She does sound immature , but hopefully , with your patience will eventually appreciate all you are doing for her.

So she’d driven a half hour round trip to pick the poor stranded child up and take her home.

Stop giving her pocket money.
Stop calling her a child.
She is a working adult.

@mrsm43s

She is a child in full time education. I think many posters are missing this. I don't know anyone who has cut off financial, practical or emotional support to their sixth formers.

As a minimum you should be paying for phone, any co-curricular activities, books and equipment, lunches, travel, essential school trips and a liveable allowance. Yes, all in, that does cost a fair bit, but its the expense of having a child, just as childcare, or school uniforms or pocket money etc are. I would also expect at that age that you will be her go to for lifts and help. Her peers will almost certainly be getting that from their parents, so I can see why she feels that you aren't supportive, and has chosen to semi move out into another family who support her more.

‘Pay for a Liveable allowance’. ?? Seriously LOL.

No idea where you live (London??) but here kids that age generally get p/t jobs or work on the farm and partly support themselves.

If my teen was using their p/t earnings buying fags, they’d definitely be asked to leave home.

She sounds like a lying, manipulative spoilt madam and I wouldn’t be putting up with that nonsense. (Have 12yr DS and 39 and 41yr DS’s too). Older 2 worked throughout University and are happily settled with children and have never been piss-takers.

@spotcheck

And OP I would definitely get to know the parents. They've been looking after your child for months. You don't have to 'defend' yourself, but definitely just get to know them.

But what if the parents don't want to get to know OP?

Op

Your problem is that you have tried to be there for your daughter in a way that your own parents lacked.

Unfortunately your daughter is taking you for granted and being very ungrateful.

In your shoes I would take a step back. Let her crack on with her selfish behaviour.

You provide for her very well and obviously you and your husband are working hard so that you can have a decent life.

Pick your battles very carefully and when the verbal attack starts, either walk away or just look and nod and remember that you are dealing with a giant toddler.

Likes others say they do usually come out of the other side.

'I asked her to babysit last Sunday and she refused unless I paid her £10.'

That would be the final straw for me - she clearly isn't interested in being part of the household - so fine, but she stands on her own two feet.
Lifts stop, pocket money stops, paying for phone stops, extra cash stops.
If she wants more money then she can work more hours. If she wants to buy lunch she can stop smoking. One packet of fags is 2 lunches.
She needs a reality check.

What if the parents don't want to get to know OP?

If they're currently foolish enough to swallow the manipulation they may well not want to, but as said they'll no doubt come to their senses sooner or later ...

She sounds like a spoilt madam. Why on earth does she have the latest I phone! My DS 21 has never had the latest model. She’s kicking off like this because she’s used to getting her own way so you’re going to have to start putting some rules in place.
Rule 1: rudeness and lying get you nowhere.

Oh OP I have little advice because my children are very young but as it sounds so hard

Have some people read it as the dd is 8 not 18?!
wouldn't want my same aged daughter catching late night buses, or having to work (late!) to fund basics such as college lunches, or having to find her support from another family when she is still below legal school leaving age

Good thing she didn't go to uni in another town, how would she have coped!

@Puzzledandpissedoff

What if the parents don't want to get to know OP?

If they're currently foolish enough to swallow the manipulation they may well not want to, but as said they'll no doubt come to their senses sooner or later ...

We can't begin to imagine what her boyfriends parents are thinking, nor judge them to be foolish, nor make them responsible for an adult.

My old Dad used to tell us "When you've dug yourself into a hole the first thing to do is stop digging". And you've dug yourself a hole with your handouts.

At this point, I think the only thing I'd change is the lifts and any extra cash. I wouldn't lecture, I wouldn't argue, I wouldn't justify. I'd just start saying 'no' and when she starts in say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "You are 18, we are treating you like an adult because you ARE an adult". No counteraccusations, just simple statements of fact.

You've got a long row to hoe. She's gotten away with her rudeness and she's discovered that it generally works. She's not going to give that up easily.

As far as his parents go, at this point I'd leave them to themselves. Let them figure her out. If you, her mother, has gotten tired of her antics I'm pretty sure they will too.

I can't believe some posters are blaming the OP! No wonder a lot of kids nowadays won't grow up or take responsibility, I dont know anyone who would give their 18 year old £200 a month allowance, that's absurd!

The OP has already said they pay her buss pass and give her some pocket money, and she's not expected to buy her own food, its provided for her. She earns a fair amount in her job which she chooses to smoke and drink away, the OP is not being unfair to the DD at all.

That's why I said "If they're currently foolish enough ...", Ducksurprise

For all we know they may also be tearing their hair out, but if so they have the answer in their own hands

For me - how far is the bus stop to your house? Yes its doable for an 18 year old to catch the bus but if there is a bit of a walk in the dark I would prefer to collect her - if its a 15min bus ride it must be an even shorter car ride...she's not going to be this young for ever. Even the loss of one hours pay - surely for a 15min drive a local cab company would not charge more than an hour's pay?

I’d secretly video her and then show the others, she’s taking the piss and lying and unless you have proof she will keep doing it

I gave her a job at the restaurant I manage.

Apart from being completely unfair - did you go through the proper application/interview process? - you have effectively proved that you will give her everything she wants and more. You have utterly spoiled her OP. Make her get her own job FFS.

This must be awful for you as it's not nice not to have a good relationship with any DC but you do need to step back. She does sound particularly immature though.
Perhaps write her a letter with what you've said upthread so she can consider your viewpoint rather than feeling as if you're getting at her when you try to talk to her about this.
I would tell her things are changing that you're stopping pocket money, that she needs to work another evening if she wants more money and she needs to start respecting you. If she chooses not to then I am afraid she needs the reality check of being told she needs to get a full time job, move out and on with her life.
You can't change it now but I think her having spent so much time at her BF without any restrictions from you wasn't a good move. I also would expect my DD to give me the contact details of who she was staying with if she was going to be absent from home regularly.
How does she treat you at your workplace?

Yes tell them