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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to find DH's dinner behaviour unacceptably rude?

113 replies

ThatsOuchy · 05/03/2022 20:28

Am I being unreasonably picky, or can you please help me explain why I find this behaviour so annoying? I'm fully prepared to be told IABU, possibly I'm hormonal right now, I admit.

DH comes into kitchen whilst I am cooking (fish already in the oven, making batches of chips) and announces "I don't think I'll have any dinner tonight, I'm not hungry". So at first I am surprised (haha, husband never turns down food unless unwell!) so I ask did he have a big lunch whilst I was out or did he eat late? He says yes maybe I did eat late for lunch. I raised an eyebrow, 'cause this alone makes me a bit grumpy, based on my expectation that we normally stick to three meals a day and set an example to the kids that they have to come for dinner whether they like it or not. Don't have to eat if not hungry, just turn up to dinner as is expected.

I then proceeded to make only enough chips for me and the two kids and serve up for three of us. After we have sat down to eat, DH saunters into the kitchen and says "I think I will just have a bit of dinner after all". We had at this point barely sat down and it was less than twenty minutes since his last pronouncement. I came out with some "You can't just chop and change... there's not enough chips now" grumpiness, and then proceeded to carry on eating with the kids. He left us to it, but I know full well he will be back in the kitchen in half an hour eating the single leftover fish with his fingers, standing up, and this makes me sad and a bit cross. Why couldn't he just eat as much/little as he wanted, from a plate, with his family?

Was I wrong to be unaccommodating about it (YABU), and if not how would you explain that you feel this is a crappy way to behave?

OP posts:
Soapboxqueen · 05/03/2022 20:33

I couldn't get upset about this.

Your dh didn't feel hungry so you didn't make him any chips.

He later decided maybe he was.

These things happen.

Leave him to sort himself out

GiltEdges · 05/03/2022 20:34

Agree with PP.

Do you want to spend your life letting insignificant things wind you up? It really wasn’t a big deal.

ClariceQuiff · 05/03/2022 20:35

If he wasn't hungry I think it's a bit much to expect him to sit at the table watching everyone else eat.

It's his tough luck, of course, if he changes his mind after you've dished up and there's not much left but it doesn't sound as though he's complained about it.

Does he take his turn cooking for the family or is it always you?

I think you've been grumpy but I can understand that if it's always you lumbered with the cooking, his behaviour is taking you for granted somewhat - so ultimately on the fence about whether you ABU depending on wider context.

NotNowBoris · 05/03/2022 20:37

He wasn't hungry, then he was. It's no big deal. The situation is easily rectified.

Ohyesiam · 05/03/2022 20:39

He’s your partner not one of your children, he needs body autonomy.

pictish · 05/03/2022 20:40

Does he do this often? Seems a small thing to be annoyed over.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 05/03/2022 20:40

Why are you sad and cross? You’re being OTT

Oblomov22 · 05/03/2022 20:40

YABVU.
None of this makes sense. you already said you had the fish in the oven already. And you'd already cut the potatoes for chips. To include him. so you would've been cooking for all of you, not knowing that he wasn't going to eat at that point. so whilst irritating, there should be enough to dish up a portion for him, once he'd changed his mind.

Leobynature · 05/03/2022 20:40

Jesus … you need to find a hobby

Gizacluethen · 05/03/2022 20:42

I think I'd have said "well you'll have to make your own chips then, you told me you didn't want any." And just left him to it. It's annoying that he felt he could just expect you to pander to him.

Blueeilidh · 05/03/2022 20:42

Given your surprise, it sounds as if this isn't common behaviour so everyone is allowed off days sometimes

ShirleyPhallus · 05/03/2022 20:42

@Soapboxqueen

I couldn't get upset about this.

Your dh didn't feel hungry so you didn't make him any chips.

He later decided maybe he was.

These things happen.

Leave him to sort himself out

Agree

Too many threads where the woman takes on more responsibility for their partner than necessary then gets sad about it. He said he didn’t want dinner, let him get on with it

Babadook76 · 05/03/2022 20:43

God you sound like hard work. All this over a piece of fish. I wish I had problems like yours 🙄

VodselForDinner · 05/03/2022 20:45

Do you generally have control issues round food?

I’d roll my eyes at my husband not wanting dinner and then looking to finagle some chips, but being annoyed because you think he might eat standing up is just odd.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/03/2022 20:46

I'm sorry op, but this is one of the many reasons I'm so glad I'm single. Just couldn't be arsed with this.

TokyoSushi · 05/03/2022 20:46

You're being a bit weird about this OP...

weeeeeeeeee · 05/03/2022 20:47

My DP does this often and it's incredibly frustrating. It's not about whether he's hungry or whether I've cooked enough chips, it's about him having control.
My DP will either deliberately wait until I'm almost dishing up to tell me he's not hungry and so won't be having dinner. Or worse, he'll tell me he doesn't want dinner because he's had a big lunch, then will come home and expect dinner and then moan all night that he's had to have toast for dinner again.

A580Hojas · 05/03/2022 20:47

Yanbu. He could have told you earlier that he wasn't hungry. He certainly could have sat with you and the children at the table even if not eating. Where did he think you were going to magic the extra chips up from?

DNBU!

ThisisMax · 05/03/2022 20:47

Just treat him like an adult. He had a late lunch, decided he didnt want food then changed his mind. No idea what the setting examples for the kid bit is???

Original poster
ThatsOuchy · 05/03/2022 20:47

Thank you. I knew you'd help me with perspective. I can see now it's not the fact he's not eaten the dinner I had 50% made for him, as that's his problem.
I am pissed off because he's always changing his mind on whether he is on a diet or not and I'm worried that he is modelling erratic eating behaviour to my teenage daughter and younger son.
Honestly, I am surprised how much this has helped me (I've not posted on MN before). Maybe it's not a hobby I need, but some friends to talk to!! thanks

OP posts:
100problems · 05/03/2022 20:48

Consider it this way; you made a dinner so delicious even someone not hungry is now in the mood. Don't spoil a Saturday evening over it.

pictish · 05/03/2022 20:48

@weeeeeeeeee

My DP does this often and it's incredibly frustrating. It's not about whether he's hungry or whether I've cooked enough chips, it's about him having control. My DP will either deliberately wait until I'm almost dishing up to tell me he's not hungry and so won't be having dinner. Or worse, he'll tell me he doesn't want dinner because he's had a big lunch, then will come home and expect dinner and then moan all night that he's had to have toast for dinner again.
That’s why I asked if he does this often. I wondered if there was more to it. Though OP does say he never turns down food.
weeeeeeeeee · 05/03/2022 20:49

I meant to say the bit about him going into the kitchen and eating the leftover fish with his hands standing up made me wonder if my DP is your DP.

nozbottheblue · 05/03/2022 20:50

I would have told him to put his fish on a plate and join you, you could all have given him just a couple of your chips as he wouldn’t want many, not being hungry. Then you would have all been sitting eating together which is what you wanted, isn’t it?

Chickychoccyegg · 05/03/2022 20:50

I'd have still stuck him some chips on as it would be most likely that he'd be hungry again at some point, and I was making them anyway.
I couldn't care less if he wanted to eat later and not sit with us at the table if he wasn't eating at that time.

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