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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to find DH's dinner behaviour unacceptably rude?

113 replies

ThatsOuchy · 05/03/2022 20:28

Am I being unreasonably picky, or can you please help me explain why I find this behaviour so annoying? I'm fully prepared to be told IABU, possibly I'm hormonal right now, I admit.

DH comes into kitchen whilst I am cooking (fish already in the oven, making batches of chips) and announces "I don't think I'll have any dinner tonight, I'm not hungry". So at first I am surprised (haha, husband never turns down food unless unwell!) so I ask did he have a big lunch whilst I was out or did he eat late? He says yes maybe I did eat late for lunch. I raised an eyebrow, 'cause this alone makes me a bit grumpy, based on my expectation that we normally stick to three meals a day and set an example to the kids that they have to come for dinner whether they like it or not. Don't have to eat if not hungry, just turn up to dinner as is expected.

I then proceeded to make only enough chips for me and the two kids and serve up for three of us. After we have sat down to eat, DH saunters into the kitchen and says "I think I will just have a bit of dinner after all". We had at this point barely sat down and it was less than twenty minutes since his last pronouncement. I came out with some "You can't just chop and change... there's not enough chips now" grumpiness, and then proceeded to carry on eating with the kids. He left us to it, but I know full well he will be back in the kitchen in half an hour eating the single leftover fish with his fingers, standing up, and this makes me sad and a bit cross. Why couldn't he just eat as much/little as he wanted, from a plate, with his family?

Was I wrong to be unaccommodating about it (YABU), and if not how would you explain that you feel this is a crappy way to behave?

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 05/03/2022 21:27

@GiltEdges

Agree with PP.

Do you want to spend your life letting insignificant things wind you up? It really wasn’t a big deal.

I read so many threads like this on here, people just filled with rage over small inconveniences. No way to live your life.

I would have just made all of the chips if you were already making them. Nobody turns down chips.

TwoCoffeesPlease · 05/03/2022 21:29

[quote TravellingFrom]@TwoCoffeesPlease you do polite conversation with your dcs and spouse? And you find that painful?
Really? You don’t enjoy spending time with them and have a chat for half an hour. That’s a shame.[/quote]
We have normally already spoken/caught up throughout the day or spent the day together so “insisting” on sitting together just because it’s dinner time can feel painful if you’re not in the mood to chat.

My parents insisted on it every day and even if we had a TV dinner we all had to watch the same thing and sit together in the living room. Sometimes you just want to sit by yourself 🤷🏼‍♀️

ChickenStripper · 05/03/2022 21:31

You are just getting caught up in your own ( unconscious) guilt about not providing him with food possibly . Just ignore him and let him eat cereal or whatever.

LifeGoesOn222 · 05/03/2022 21:40

Do you do most of the cooking? I'd just tell him to sort himself out for the next few days as you're taking a break from cooking for him.

I have to admit that we rarely have this problem in our house since I'm such a bad wife that I hardly ever cook for my DH. He sorts himself out mostly, although we do try to sit down together at the table with DS for meals at the weekend.

miraveile · 05/03/2022 21:44

I take it this is a one off? If so just let it go. Sounds like you go the perspective needed so don't know why some are laying into you.

BadgerStripes · 05/03/2022 21:45

Makes you ‘sad’ OP? Crikey Hmm

bellac11 · 05/03/2022 21:53

@BadgerStripes

Makes you ‘sad’ OP? Crikey Hmm
I thought she meant she was sad that he would be standing on his own eating when he could have sat with the family and eaten with them, socially like
Imperfectp3rf3ction · 05/03/2022 21:54

Welcome to mumsnet =p where you maybe told to LTB over this or someone may suggest something sinister! To me it sounds like maybe there may be a couple of other little irks he's done and this is the one that's blown the top ! For the record my dp will stand up eating too I have no clue what this is all about Confused

BigupPemberleyMassive · 05/03/2022 22:01

I think you are upset about something bigger but it is 'safer' to feel angry about dinner.

Feedingthebirds1 · 05/03/2022 22:05

so I ask did he have a big lunch whilst I was out or did he eat late? He says yes maybe I did eat late for lunch.

Unless there was a very good reason why he had lunch late (and/or had a big lunch that he's not admitting to) I would expect him to have eaten earlier so that he was ready for his evening meal with the family at family dinner time.

bellac11 · 05/03/2022 22:08

@Feedingthebirds1

so I ask did he have a big lunch whilst I was out or did he eat late? He says yes maybe I did eat late for lunch.

Unless there was a very good reason why he had lunch late (and/or had a big lunch that he's not admitting to) I would expect him to have eaten earlier so that he was ready for his evening meal with the family at family dinner time.

Jesus

'Admitting to'

What is it a crime now to have a later or bigger lunch than you usually do, or to get full up or to eat snacks or overeat sometimes. A grown adult can do what they like.

Fernandina · 05/03/2022 22:08

MN is a funny place sometimes.

Providing family meals day in day out is a thankless drudge, made all the more thankless when another adult in the house waits until you are already cooking and then tells you they don't want it.

I'm with you, OP.

JudgeJ · 05/03/2022 22:09

@NotNowBoris

He wasn't hungry, then he was. It's no big deal. The situation is easily rectified.
I do this quite often, though there's only me to please, I will have lunch later then not feel like any dinner. However I will then feel hungry about 9 so I make sure I keep soup in the fridge.
bellac11 · 05/03/2022 22:12

All this talk is now making me think about having a sneaky cheese roll, having not eaten as much earlier as I might have and though I wasnt hungry but I sort of was.

I find as I get older, I prefer to snack more and eat less 'proper' meals. Not good for weight loss.

Midlifemusings · 05/03/2022 22:15

She put some fish and chips in the oven - she wasn't slaving away all day over his favorite dishes.

She would have put fish and chips in the oven for herself and the kids even if DH had told her earlier.

grapewines · 05/03/2022 22:15

raised an eyebrow, 'cause this alone makes me a bit grumpy, based on my expectation that we normally stick to three meals a day and set an example to the kids

You're grumpy because he had a late lunch? He's a grown adult and should be able to decide when to eat or not. And whether to have a snack besides the three meals a day.

I just can't understand getting sad and cross about stuff like this. It must make life unnecessarily difficult.

Suzi888 · 05/03/2022 22:16

But voting is 60% YANBUHmm
To be honest I think he should sit down too, he doesn’t have to eat, just engage in conversation.

loadofcrap10 · 05/03/2022 22:17

Why are there so many controlling women on mumsnet?? And how come their partners are still with them?
If it was the other way around the husband would be accused of abuse and all sorts.
He is an adult and surely has a choice of whether and when he wants to eat.

Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 05/03/2022 22:24

The only thing that would piss me off is : the waste of food or him putting the oven on again and wasting energy

HudsonRiver · 05/03/2022 22:29

@loadofcrap10

Why are there so many controlling women on mumsnet?? And how come their partners are still with them? If it was the other way around the husband would be accused of abuse and all sorts. He is an adult and surely has a choice of whether and when he wants to eat.
Totally. Op is scolding him as if he is a child for having a late lunch. I would have shrugged and said ok would you like some left for later? If not he can get something later himself.
bellac11 · 05/03/2022 22:34

@loadofcrap10

Why are there so many controlling women on mumsnet?? And how come their partners are still with them? If it was the other way around the husband would be accused of abuse and all sorts. He is an adult and surely has a choice of whether and when he wants to eat.
There seems to be lots of projection in many of these threads, its almost like men cant be flawed or make mistakes, or forget something or express their needs because if they do, they are controlling/abusive/selfish/twats or dicks or whatever name. If women do the same behaviours its perfectly reasonable, their husbands should be on hand to understand/care/prioritise etc etc.
SquirrelFan · 05/03/2022 22:34

He is an adult and surely has a choice of whether and when he wants to eat.

Except he's an adult in a household where they have made a commitment to having a family dinner. Where he is implicitly responsible for helping model correct behaviour for the kids. I agree with previous posters-even if not hungry, he could have sat with the family, chatted about the day, helped model good table manners/conversation. Instead OP is left to not only cook dinner but shoulder the burden of monitoring table behaviour, only to find DH pleasing himself by noshing on a fish fillet after the family had finished. I would be sad and cross that my husband didn't want to share that family dinner time too!

trackerby · 05/03/2022 22:35

I'm surprised there was any fish left for him to eat.

I'd have shared out his piece amongst those eating.

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/03/2022 22:41

Why are you bothered? It’s a one off.

PeacefulPrune · 05/03/2022 22:45

It would piss me right off. I'm a bit surprised by these responses.