...to find DH's dinner behaviour unacceptably rude?

[ThatsOuchy]

Am I being unreasonably picky, or can you please help me explain why I find this behaviour so annoying? I'm fully prepared to be told IABU, possibly I'm hormonal right now, I admit.

DH comes into kitchen whilst I am cooking (fish already in the oven, making batches of chips) and announces "I don't think I'll have any dinner tonight, I'm not hungry". So at first I am surprised (haha, husband never turns down food unless unwell!) so I ask did he have a big lunch whilst I was out or did he eat late? He says yes maybe I did eat late for lunch. I raised an eyebrow, 'cause this alone makes me a bit grumpy, based on my expectation that we normally stick to three meals a day and set an example to the kids that they have to come for dinner whether they like it or not. Don't have to eat if not hungry, just turn up to dinner as is expected.

I then proceeded to make only enough chips for me and the two kids and serve up for three of us. After we have sat down to eat, DH saunters into the kitchen and says "I think I will just have a bit of dinner after all". We had at this point barely sat down and it was less than twenty minutes since his last pronouncement. I came out with some "You can't just chop and change... there's not enough chips now" grumpiness, and then proceeded to carry on eating with the kids. He left us to it, but I know full well he will be back in the kitchen in half an hour eating the single leftover fish with his fingers, standing up, and this makes me sad and a bit cross. Why couldn't he just eat as much/little as he wanted, from a plate, with his family?

Was I wrong to be unaccommodating about it (YABU), and if not how would you explain that you feel this is a crappy way to behave?

As a one off, I wouldn't get upset about it but it's not a one off, is it?

Does he ever plan what you're going to eat, shop and cook at all? If the answer is no then perhaps he needs to start taking some responsibility to help focus his mind.

If DH was messing me about every night I'd tell him he'd need to sort out his own dinner. I don't run a cafe so don't expect people to treat me like I am.

God I’d not be comfortable with this level of controlling behaviour round food op.,he’s hungry, he’s not he changed his mind, for you that’s one form for big deal right,,the question is why?

@Ipadflowers your post makes no sense whatsoever

Bit dramatic.

My dp virtuously announced he wasn't having any pancakes on pancake day so I made sure I used all the batter so I wouldn't be guilted into making him any and he sat sulking after he inevitably changed his mind

Im extremely childish tho. If he doesn't want dinner that's fine, he's not a toddler who will be up and hungry.

If he changes his mind then he's lucked out, should have taken your time eating giving a commentary on how tasty it was....he can make himself toast or something

@SquirrelFan

He is an adult and surely has a choice of whether and when he wants to eat.

Except he's an adult in a household where they have made a commitment to having a family dinner. Where he is implicitly responsible for helping model correct behaviour for the kids. I agree with previous posters-even if not hungry, he could have sat with the family, chatted about the day, helped model good table manners/conversation. Instead OP is left to not only cook dinner but shoulder the burden of monitoring table behaviour, only to find DH pleasing himself by noshing on a fish fillet after the family had finished. I would be sad and cross that my husband didn't want to share that family dinner time too!

@SquirrelFan Urgh “made a commitment to having a family dinner”. It sounds so stifling! Every once in a while you’re not hungry for lunch at the usual time so you have something when you are hungry and then you might want your dinner a bit later than usual as well. Big deal! When you talk about modelling healthy behaviour in re to food for your teens I don’t know what you’re on about! That kind of behaviour from your husband is not going to given them an unhealthy relationship with food and a disordered eating pattern you know! Unclench a bit and stop being so regimented

Some people thinking it’s ok - I’m confused as to why. Yes it’s very annoying what he’s done and would make me pissed off too in the moment. Of course if he pronounced he wasn’t hungry then you wouldn’t waste more food at the time making it. To then change his mind once it was all ready and expect food is annoying and would piss me off too but I would get over it. Moving forwards you might need to treat him as a child with two questions if he does it again - would you like me to make a smaller portion for you to eat with us or will you reheat when you’re hungry but still join us for family meal as that’s our thing? If it’s a one off I’d let it blow over but prepare how you want to deal with it incase it happens again. My Dad is like this saying he doesn’t want anything for lunch as he doesn’t eat lunch and then snacks all afternoon on biscuits and chocolate bars a abs hungry in the afternoon.

Sorry OP but I’m giggling at you being a bit cross with DH eating fish with his fingers standing up

I get it though, I get a bit cross when my husband thinks chicken breasts are snacks and boils eggs at 10pm because he’s hungry again. I can’t explain why, but I do.

@Thegoodandbadlife

Some people thinking it’s ok - I’m confused as to why. Yes it’s very annoying what he’s done and would make me pissed off too in the moment. Of course if he pronounced he wasn’t hungry then you wouldn’t waste more food at the time making it. To then change his mind once it was all ready and expect food is annoying and would piss me off too but I would get over it. Moving forwards you might need to treat him as a child with two questions if he does it again - would you like me to make a smaller portion for you to eat with us or will you reheat when you’re hungry but still join us for family meal as that’s our thing? If it’s a one off I’d let it blow over but prepare how you want to deal with it incase it happens again. My Dad is like this saying he doesn’t want anything for lunch as he doesn’t eat lunch and then snacks all afternoon on biscuits and chocolate bars a abs hungry in the afternoon.

Because Im not in charge of my DH or what he eats. I would have asked if he wanted me to put his aside for later. Yes/No No anger/ fury needed. I cant get over someone being this angry that her DH ate a bit late , its so controlling.

'shoulder the burden of monitoring table behaviour'

That sounds a lovely relaxing family atmosphere!!!!

This reminded me of what my husband used to do all of the time.
I was a mum of three children, worked full time and did everything in the house and sometimes I was too tired to be bothered with cooking another meal so we would get a chinese or fish and chips.

My husband would always say he did not like whatever it was and not to bother with him, he would make something for himself.

I would bring the food home. We would serve it out on the plates and he would appear in the kitchen and butter himself two slices of bread. Then he would lean over the children's plates and help himself to anything without asking.
They would get very upset and I would say to him, why didn't you ask and I would have brought something. Take it from my plate.
Then there would be a hug row and he would say he wore the trousers in this house.
Every damn time.
I am so glad he is not in our lives anymore, for lots of reasons but this reminded me what an inconsiderate twat he really is/was.

@LuckySantangelo35

I didn't say anything about disordered eating--you may be confusing me with someone else..?

I just think he's left the OP to do all the parenting--which does include, in many households, and from her OP, in hers, sitting down to dinner with the kids. As PPs have said, he didn't have to eat with them, but rather to share family time. It's particularly annoying, however that he did want to eat, just not with them, so he waited until dinner was over and snacked on the leftovers.

@bellac mealtime should be relaxing, but often with kids it's not. That's why some parents opt out, rather than trying to create a happy, relaxed atmosphere, by sitting and chatting and sharing an experience.

@PeacefulPrune

It would piss me right off. I'm a bit surprised by these responses.

I'm not. Of late I'm convinced people really need to get laid more

If this is an often thing, tell him you're not cooking for him anymore and he can sort himself out. No pandering.

[quote SquirrelFan]**@bellac* mealtime should* be relaxing, but often with kids it's not. That's why some parents opt out, rather than trying to create a happy, relaxed atmosphere, by sitting and chatting and sharing an experience.[/quote]
Perhaps you didnt mean to but you sounded extremely rigid, military and cold about how dinner times should be. Another poster said it better than me 'stifling'.

“ modelling erratic eating behaviour to my teenage daughter and younger son”😂😂😂I’m dying here

@bellac11 Do you consider it stifling to share a meal with the people you love? To discuss the problems/challenges/joys of your day? To share jokes or stories from work or school? To show respect for the person who made the meal by sitting down to it, even if you don't eat very much ( it's fine that he had a big lunch, we all miscalculate sometimes)? It's fifteen, maybe twenty minutes! Sometimes being a supportive partner or parent means doing what is not immediately the easiest or most comfortable, but I wouldn't consider trying to have a nice family meal "stifling."

You need to get across to him he either says at a reasonable time if he's eating with you guys or you won't cook for him.

You're not a restaurant!

If it's very occasional I couldn't get upset about it.

If it's common I would find it annoying and, yes, I'd see it as coping out of one of the duller, least obviously rewarding bits of parenting.

What a silly teenager he is.

I would be fuming

If parents can opt in / out , so can kids
It’s not fair otherwise !
Mother point is family meal times , not the quantity eaten

[quote SquirrelFan]@bellac11 Do you consider it stifling to share a meal with the people you love? To discuss the problems/challenges/joys of your day? To share jokes or stories from work or school? To show respect for the person who made the meal by sitting down to it, even if you don't eat very much ( it's fine that he had a big lunch, we all miscalculate sometimes)? It's fifteen, maybe twenty minutes! Sometimes being a supportive partner or parent means doing what is not immediately the easiest or most comfortable, but I wouldn't consider trying to have a nice family meal "stifling."[/quote]
Dont try and change the tone of what you presented, you presented a situation in which someone cant not fancy dinner, or to have dinner at that time, or to be full up from an earlier meal, or god forbid realise at the last moment that you're not hungry and worst of all you've been eating snacks

And if you read the OPs post properly you'll see that the reason he 'left them to it' is because she verbally gave him two fingers because he came down and said 'oh well Ive changed my mind Im hungry now'. Well so what, if she hadnt been rude to him he probably would have sat and had his bit of fish or whatever.

However OP has since posted that she has seen better of the situation and realises she was unreasonable.

Geez some people are uptight! All this "shouldering of burdens " and "monitoring of behaviour" and "modelling of erratic eating" over some fish and chips! Go and eat it at the park or put on a good movie and eat it out of the paper on your laps. It's Saturday dinner not the army.

And am speechless at the poor husband who has to "admit to" eating a large or later lunch .

I genuinely don't understand the people who don't see the issue.
1, it's rude to wait until someone is cooking to say you don't want food.
2, waste of food
3, bad role modelling to kids of skipping meals he could have had a small portion
4, changing mind and then wanting some when there isn't enough for him. Did he expect kids to eat less to accommodate him?
5, being moody about an issue that he created.

@weeeeeeeeee

My DP does this often and it's incredibly frustrating. It's not about whether he's hungry or whether I've cooked enough chips, it's about him having control. My DP will either deliberately wait until I'm almost dishing up to tell me he's not hungry and so won't be having dinner. Or worse, he'll tell me he doesn't want dinner because he's had a big lunch, then will come home and expect dinner and then moan all night that he's had to have toast for dinner again.

Your partner is a adult with two functioning hands and knows what various utensils/cooking equipment are for and what an oven/hob/microwave is right?

I'd be telling him to stop complaining that he'd only had toast when he's capable of preparing proper food.Your his partner not his maid.

@autienotnaughty

I genuinely don't understand the people who don't see the issue. 1, it's rude to wait until someone is cooking to say you don't want food. 2, waste of food 3, bad role modelling to kids of skipping meals he could have had a small portion 4, changing mind and then wanting some when there isn't enough for him. Did he expect kids to eat less to accommodate him? 5, being moody about an issue that he created.

1 left overs are not unheard of and she wasnt just cooking for him and wasnt cooking some mega complicated intricate meal of luxury 2 it wasnt wasted and wouldnt have been anyway except for that she doesnt like him eating food standing up with his fingers 3 its good role modelling to not eat when you're not hungry and not to be controlling around food 4 people can change their mind 5 he wasnt moody, she was, no wonder he wandered off and left them to it, so would I have done